This sleep disorder thing is tough. I grew up with a mental illness. I pretty much have that little bit under control. Actually, it's been under control for a long time, and I've had very few problems with it. That wasn't the case for my adolescence, but compared to the mental illness, this sleep disorder thing is tough.
I think a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that when I was diagnosed with the mental illness, I was young, adaptable, and the drugs were so archaic and barbaric I don't remember the hell I went through. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of that period.
I do remember sleeping a lot. But not really having too much trouble with it. I snored. I have always been a snorer (I wear CPAP now, and I am overweight, but my doctors suspect I would have had apnea even if I had kept the weight off).
Sleeping back then was an escape... It was truly a depression sort of sleep. Now, sleeping is just... A sentence. It's something I have to do whether I want to or not.
And most of the time, I don't want to. There's a whole life out there waiting to be lived, and I'm stuck in bed!
That's why it ticks me off to no end when the doctors suggest I'm depressed. They've stopped doing it recently, but up until about six months ago it was their first line... "Well, you're depressed..."
Noooo. No. Believe me, I know depression. I've been depressed. This is not it. I lay in bed now, trying to fight to get up, to keep my eyes open, to be able to go out in the yard and weed... to be able to walk the dogs.... to be able to paint... write... sing. And I can't get my head off the pillow. And it's like, there is so much I want to do!
When I was depressed, that wasn't the case.
And I don't feel at all hopeless. Frustrated beyond belief, but not hopeless.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were depressed. Not that I'd wish that on anyone. But somehow... I guess being on this side of the mental illness, I know it's treatable. This sleep stuff... I'm not so sure about.
I'm a 34 year old woman with multiple sleep disorders (sigh). Sleeping's been a lifelong sort of love hate thing for me. I had my first polysomnography in 2001, and I was told I was "fine." Turns out, from my history and the muscle tone that the PSG returned, I showed signs of REM Behavior Disorder.
Fast forward three years, where my neurologist, on hearing my reports of ungodly fatigue (more like someone turned up the gravity) and daily headaches, declared I needed a sleep study.
That time they found moderate obstructive apnea.
Did my CPAP titration, wear it dutifully. But I was still so tired. I mean, tired like I was smote from on high. So two weeks ago, I had a re-titration.
They discovered (this time) I needed my CPAP turned up and I have Periodic Limb Movement in Sleep Disorder. I also have an extremely abnormal sleep architecture.
What I wouldn't give to sleep through the night!
