Thank you Dr. Gottlieb for your reply. It gave me a lot to think about. This is something I continue to struggle with greatly.
Dan Gottlieb:
For years after my accident words hurt me. But then again, looks hurt me and so did attitudes. Sometimes I would just be hurt and withdrawn, but sometimes I could be assertive and ask people to use different language. But that was rare. Mostly I was either hurt or passive aggressive. Like the time I went into a diner with my eight-year-old daughter. The hostess asked her where I would like to sit! So I turned to Ally and said: "tell her I would like to sit over there near the window." Ally, knowing what I was up to sit to the hostess: "he would like to sit over there by the window"!
This is me exactly. Going out in public is very difficult for me (although I do force myself) because I am hyper sensitive to words and looks and attitudes. Probably far more sensitive than is good for me. I can remember somebody once saying to me "oh you are just being paranoid, nobody notices you." And while I conceed I worry too much about it, the reality is I do draw attention where ever I go and most of it is unwanted. There seems to be two sides to it: people either stare or they go out of their way to ignore me. I think perhaps the most difficult situations for me are the ones such as you had with your daughter, when somebody will assume that they need to ask whoever is with me what it is I want or need. There was a time when I used to be passive aggressive about things like that. Or when somebody made comment that perhaps was made without much thought to my feelings. I think though, after a certain time I just started to give up and try to hide my hurt. I couldn't be assertive, I hated being passive aggressive, and I just started thinking "what is the point...people are going to stare and say things or ignore me anyway." A defeatist attitude I suppose. And not one I think is really healthy. But I guess I don't know what else to do. I guess the thing that concerns me is that it seems to be getting harder, not easier, as time goes on.
"What really hurts about words is what they mean to us. I frequently tell people the most painful aspect of any trauma is the alienation that accompanies it. Somehow, we feel extremely alone and different in this world and people saying things like that to us (either positive or negative) reinforces our feelings of isolation."
That really is the heart of the problem. For me it is the feelings of alienation (both real and imagined in my head) that presents one of my biggest barriers to moving forward. It is interesting you would mention that positive comments can also reinforce that feeling of isolation. I never thought of it that way but it is very true for me. Somebody praising me for accomplishing something that I know to them is pretty trivial, such as going out for coffee, does reinforce my feelings that I am different. Even if they don't intend any hurt, it can really increase my feelings of isolation and being different.
And one other thought. Throughout my childhood people told me I was too sensitive because I cared deeply about other people and animals and because I was easily hurt. In hindsight, I was not too sensitive. I was just sensitive. And that is something I want for everyone I care about, because the opposite can be pretty ugly.
I agree. I just posted (by coincidence) something in another thread about this. I do often struggle with the notion that some people I care about are not always as sensitive towards others as I wish they would be. At times I wonder if I am projecting unrealistic expectations on them. Maybe I am. And the line "you are too sensitive" is something that I hear a lot from some people in my life. I have tried to reframe that from feeling criticized to just seeing it that I try to treat people how I myself would want to be treated. Sometimes I am successful. But other times I wonder if maybe some people are right and I just am too sensitive for my own good. But as you say, the opposite can be pretty ugly.
Thanks again.
"Don't be silly, Toto. Scarecrows don't talk. "
