What a terrific and valuable insight into the nature of aggression on m
essage boards like these. After my accident I remember being rageful. First I was angry at people who could walk, then at people who try to cheer me up by saying pretty thoughtless things. One winter day I was looking out the window of my hospital room at a homeless person sleeping on a vent. I remember mumbling to myself "at least he can get up and walk away if he wants." That's when I realized that my bitterness was a bit out of control. Not that I was able to change it so quickly, mind you.
Several years later I was visiting that hospital and I heard some of the patients saying similar things to what I said.
Anger is a judicial emotion. It is a reaction to injustice so whenever you see an angry person, they have just experienced some form of injustice. And usually the injustice makes us feel out of control so what do we do to regain control? Often we try to overpower someone else. Just read the world's news and you will see what I mean.
But all of that insight doesn't help us feel better when we feel vulnerable and then get attacked. When that happens to almost any species, the recoil and withdrawal. In our case, the heart closes and that can be adaptive in the short run. But in the long run, it's not healthy. Rabbi Kushner, author of "when bad things happen to good people" once said that holding on to resentment is like mud wrestling with a pig. Both of you will get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it!
So if we isolate too long, we suffer. Especially if we lack other resources for support and understanding.
When my grandson Sam was five years old, he got angry at his mother because she wasn't listening to him when he asked her for something. When she finally paid attention, she asked Sam if he would forgive her. "Yes mommy I will forgive you" he said. "But just a little bit". And that is how we forgive and that is how we let go of resentment and that is how we open our hearts. "Just a little bit".
And if you feel safe with your heart open, one day you might be able to see the person attacking you and feel compassion for both of you.
Dan
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D.
DrDanGottlieb@aol.com
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
Daniel Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
