Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

My dear friend's husband suffered a SCI a few days ago while he was traveling. She has a very young child and she had to travel to be with him out of state. Her father is with her and her child is being cared for by a friend. It is anticipated her her husband will be hospitalized for 2wks and then transferred closer to home. The injury is at C3-4. At this time I am asking for advice on what her many friends can do to make it easier. If you were once in this position what would you have needed that no one thought of? Thank you for reading and for sharing any suggestions. Thank you to the Reeve Foundation for this opportunity and for providing so much info.

Hi Kazzy~ Sorry you had to use the forum but very glad you found us. There are a number of practical supports that you can provide your friend and her family.  You might want to begin by setting up a CarePage for her husband thru the Reeve Foundation. It is simple and easy and will keep friends and family updated.  This will take the pressure of all the calls off of your friend. Carepages can be found here.  Maybe you or another friend can post the updates, relieving your friend of all the calls and high cell phone bill.

Second, stay in touch don't be afraid to ask how you can help. She probably has a laundry list of to do's. You can also set up a circle of friends that can help obtain and organize information such as selecting a rehabilitation center, remodeling the house, fundraising to cover extra costs, etc.  Giving your friend a break from the hospital and time to be with her child is also important.  Can you travel to visit her at the current hospital? Sometimes having someone to sit with you is comforting. Send letters,emails, notes, postcards, reach out to make their child feel loved and supported and less along.  Let her know you don't need a reply.  How about setting up a meal and dinner donation schedule?  Would gas cards and restaurant gift cards help? How about a spa break gift certificate for her to use when she needs it? 

In the end, during a crisis, most folks need a listening ear, someone to provide comfort, support emotionally and to help keep us on track.  Big or small, your friend will appreciate knowing that you are there.

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Thank you,

Every day I wake up is a good one.
phf 59-08

Hi Kazzy,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend and her husband. I know it is a very difficult and confusing time for them and for you, as their friend, as well.

I think Bernadette gave you some very good suggestions.

On a personal level, I think the most important is the help with dinner. When I was injured, 24 years ago, my son was just four years old. He and my husband visited me as often as they could. It would have been comforting if I had known that their evening meal was taken care of every night.

My mom and a neighbor across the street did what they could, but it was just something that my friends didn't think of, focusing on visiting me.

That's just my $.02!

I hope this is helpful.

My best to you and your friends.

Donna

Those were some great suggestions.  I would also add two things -support her by helping with the chores around the house.  The changing needs of her husband and having a little one can leave you with little time to keep the home clean.   The other is universal design.  Her husband may come home and realize he has no way to enter his home and access all the things that were no problem for a walking person.  I don't think you need to remodel the whole home yet but basic things like -are there stairs at the front door?  If he is in a chair, he will not be able to get inside.  If you search the terms universal design or home modification on this web site or google it -you should find some helpful places to make the return to home easier.  

Kazzy,

 

Like the others have said, I too am so sorry to hear about your friend and her husband.  I was in a very similar situation nearly 8 years ago.  We were in an accident going on vacation.  My husband has a C3-C4 injury, and we had 2 young sons at the time. 

 

I think the advice you have gotten from others is fabulous and right on track.  When your friend is back closer to home, meals are great.  Help with yard work, cleaning, errands, childcare can’t be overstated.  Someone to sit with her, not even necessarily to talk but to just sit quietly in support is also a big help.

 

One thing I will suggest is to not say a vague thing like… “call me if you need anything.”  Everyone says that, and it is just too general to be useful.  What I appreciated was when someone said, “I can bring you dinner, what night and what time works best.”  Or “I am hiring someone to clean your house, what day would you like them to come.”  Or, “I’m planning to drive there and stay with you, what day and time works best.”  Give her something specific that you are willing to do and not some vague generality of some sort of help sometime. 

 

I think one of the best things I got from a friend was when she had done something for me that I really needed help with, and she left me a little note that said, “This comes with no strings and no thank you note required.  I care about you.”  That really was great.  It is hard to ask for help and then when you get it, you want to express your appreciation to people but sometimes you just don’t have the time or energy to write a heart-felt note.  Getting help from a friend and knowing that they didn’t need a thank you note felt like a wonderful gift that I will always treasure.   

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

Thank you all for your suggestion. I will keep them in mind. Thanks again for this wonderful resource. Best wishes. kazzy