Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

I think I viewed my married life like a seesaw; the two of us working together to make everything go.  There was a certain rhythm to our life, and together we felt balanced.  Suddenly comes the accident and now the balance has been disturbed.  I feel like I’m on the seesaw alone.  Problem is that it takes two to make a seesaw go.  I have spent the last years trying to get someone, anyone, to jump on the other side so that my life would feel “normal” again.  But I think I’ve finally come to realize that I don’t have the power to coax anyone on my seesaw if they aren’t looking to get back on.  But where does that leave me, I’m stuck on this damn seesaw, and now it’s time to get off.  So how?

 

So last week I gave it a little try.  I spent 3 days away with the kids trying to relax and regroup only to return home and immediately jump right back into my neurotic ways.  Why does that happen?  I feel the need to go into hyper-drive to make up for everything I didn’t get done while I was gone.  Why can’t I just relax in my own home?

 

There are so many things I need to change about myself but how, and do I deserve to give myself that opportunity?  As a caregiver I spend a lot of time pretending that everything is fine.  It’s almost like you have to because there is a job that must be done.  That job requires me to be “fine” so that is what I tell myself.  But sometimes I’m really not fine.  Unfortunately nobody wants to hear that I’m not fine, so I’ve spent most of the last seven years saying I am.  People start to get panicked when I appear to be anything other than fine. 

 

I guess maybe that is what next year is about, learning to really be fine in this life I’m in instead of just pretending.  I definitely think it is going to take a new lens and a new way of looking at life.  This year I’m getting off the seesaw.  I really don’t want to leave the playground, so maybe I better figure out how to get on the swing or slide.  I’m not sure if there is a question in all of this mess.  Is this really possible, maybe that is the question? 

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

Dear Trish, when I first met you in this forum, I was quite touched by your great mind and your way of seeing things. You were angry and sarcastic, but there was a way in which you didn't take yourself seriously at the same time.
And my how you have changed. You are more comfortable opening your heart and sharing your longings. No longer railing at the gods or others in your environment for not helping you with your suffering. And now, finally, you are taking yourself seriously and even looking at yourself with some compassion.
as far as you are feeling neurotic as soon as she returned home, that stuff is just habit. Your brain loves repetition. So it knows that when you are in this environment you act one way and when you are in another environment you act another. Very predictable. The deal is, that serenity you felt when you were away is something that lives inside of you all the time it's just more accessible when you are away. So you are in the habit of feeling crazy when you are in major caregiver role. Habits can be changed. Slowly. And everything about you and your recent communication is saying that you have already begun to change.
Frankly, I never liked seesaws. Somehow there was always the putz who would jump off and I would fall on my butt. So whenever I was on a seesaw, I always felt that this fragile balance of fear versus trust. It's all so different now. I am no longer afraid of falling on my butt because now I live there so what's to fear!
You, on the other hand, still have that fear. The fear of being vulnerable and dependent and weak. The fear of falling on your butt and breaking wide open. Of course, deep down you already feel vulnerable, dependent and weak, you are just afraid to visit there.
Keep telling people you are okay and they will add you on the back, call you a hero or a strong person and walk away. Tell people you don't need help and they won't help you. Smile at people when you are in agony, and they will smile back.
But now that you are at the bottom of your seesaw, look up, reach out and say "I am in pain, please help me." And people will come running. That's just the way we humans function.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010

Dan,

My sarcastic side is still lurking however I don’t feel as angry with the world.  Most of the time I feel I can’t be vulnerable, dependent or weak.  Both my husband and kids need me to be strong or our family doesn’t work so well.  That’s how I attempt to be, but putting on armor everyday wears you down and maybe that is what has happened over the holidays.  I’m worn down.

 

I knew it was bad when my mom called me up a couple of days ago and told me that I’m no fun anymore.  She was just joking, but she was mostly right.  We have a lot of Lucy and Ethel moments together, but that had sort of stopped over the last couple of weeks because I felt too pooped to be happy with her.  Anyway, the day she called we decided to go out to lunch and afterward we both felt better.  She is mostly the only one I show my weak and vulnerable side to.  She’s my shoulder to cry on; that is when we aren’t cracking ourselves up. 

 

Dan you’re right.  I’m terrified of falling on my butt.  I just want to get off slowly and gently, so I don’t get hurt.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could find serenity in my home instead of a hotel?  Gosh, wonder where I should start looking.   

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

Trish,
many years ago I read an anonymous poem written by a woman who was terminally ill with cancer. She wrote this to her mother and I think it says everything about strength and vulnerability:

MOTHER KNOWS BEST

Don’t talk about your troubles.
No one loves a sad face.
Oh, Mom, the truth is
Cheer isolates.
Humor defends.
Competence intimidates,
Control separates,
And sadness,
Sadness opens us each to the other.

My friend, you don't have to be afraid of falling on your butt, because it sounds like in many respects you just did. Something came crashing to the ground and you realized your powerlessness, your exhaustion and that your depression is affecting others.

You want serenity? That's what we all say. But most of us become so addicted to the adrenaline rush of doing everything for everybody all the time, that letting go of something -- anything can feel like torturous anxiety.
This business is about faith and trust. Trust to share your suffering and vulnerability with those who care about you. Trust to ask for help. And faith that everyone, including you, will be better off if they take better care of themselves.

And where to start looking? Five minutes every morning monitoring your breath. Conscious of the difference between how each breath feels. Noticing where you feel the in breath most, nose, chest, abdomen. Noticing the moment you are in the top of your inbreath and you let go.

Keep doing that, and you will find serenity that lives inside of you. It is a place you cannot stay permanently and you can only visit there. But with practice, and with faith, you will be able to live day by day knowing that it lives inside of you.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010