I am so very sorry for your situation, and I can see that you are suffering terribly both the grief of losing your boyfriend plus the grief and loss from your paralysis. I can’t say that I know how you feel because I can’t possibly put myself in your shoes, but I can say that I hear you. Even though our situations are extremely different, I think I have felt some of the same things that you describe.
My first husband died of colon cancer when I was 27. We were married just short of 2 years. The loss of a spouse is overwhelming grief. I remember feeling so alone, sad, and even mad. It felt like he took the easy way out, and I was left to face everything alone. That doesn’t make much sense I know, but that is how I felt. I imagine you had some of those same feeling about your boyfriend while at the same time trying to deal with your own injuries.
I also understand the feelings you describe about missing the love of a man. My current husband suffered a C3/C4 SCI and TBI in an auto accident. His injuries are devastating and consequently the intimacy and romance of our marriage are gone. Now I am more the role of nurse rather than wife. I miss so many of the things you describe too.
I don’t have words of wisdom for you. I guess from discussions here I have learned to try to find even a moment of joy or happiness. Sometimes a moment can sustain us until the next moment comes. It sounds like you are still suffering from overwhelming grief, a tremendous sense of loss, and perhaps depression which could also be contributing to your terrible sadness. I hope if nothing else that we can help you here by listening, really listening. Sometimes people are so busy trying to find a solution for you that they forget to really listen.
I think that grief and despair can blind us from love, so my hope for you is that your grief and despair eases and you find true love again.
I’m sure that Dr. Dan will have some helpful words. Hang in there.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."