Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

I've been searching this site for people with a similar situation to mine and failing to find it. I'm the caretaker in my marriage, but my problems are not directly about that. I married a C5-6 quad just a couple of years ago. I had known him before his accident - which occurred 25 years ago, when we were 18 - but had not seen much of him in the intervening quarter-century. By the time I came along, he was long over grieving (consciously, at least), his family was long over grieving; he had done remarkable things with his life (came from a humble background, retired at 40 a wealthy man), and because he was such an athlete pre-accident, he has learned to do many things he was told he could never do. He's fiercely independent and my caretaking duties are minimal.

But my caretaking duties are not non-existent, and he really needs us to pretend they are. Trickier than that, there are a lot of things I do for him that are not strictly "care-taking" but that make his day easier and improve his quality of life. (I swap his regular chair and his shower-chair; I bring him breakfast in bed, and of course I do all the tidying, cleaning, laudry, etc.) Even this is not an issue for me, as long as I feel valued. That's where the problem comes in: he will not allow himself to admit that his handicap in any way adds to my daily "to do" list, even if I am perfectly content to do those things for him (I have a caretaking-tendency in my personality, and no children or ailing parents to expend it on.) His parents have been remarkable and totally present for him since the day of his accident; however, in adjusting their lives around his handicap, they never wanted him to feel guilty or dependent or needy, and so a family fiction has  developed that when he has things done for him, it's not caretaking, it's not dependency. BOY am I demonized when I forget that those are the rules.

On the other hand, in the realm of finances, he has more money than I do, and he engages in what I think is a kind of weird projection in which his view of life is:  he is the only one contributing to the marriage because he pays for things and I don't, and boy, I am so dependent on him, and I don't appreciate it! I am an author, and I make a living at it, but it takes a long time to write a book;  he is impatient waiting for me to finish my new novel, and accuses me of freeloading on him. I went out and got two part-time jobs to show him I am not a freeloader. (This of course only delays completion of the novel, but he doesn't acknowledge that.) He remains quite insistent that I am getting a "free ride" because I am not "contributing" to the marriage - in his mind, financial contribution is the only kind that counts. We're in the process of building a house - or rather, he is. I get to live in it because I'm married to him, but it's HIS house, it was create with HIS money, and it will NEVER be my home the way it is his because I did not work all those years under impossible circumstances to make the money that builds it. He insisted in a pre-nup that I do not contribute financially to the house because he does not want me to have any equity in it. (When I said I wanted to feel like I was making a contribution, he said I could pay him rent. I told him it was ridiculous for a wealthy man to charge his non-wealthy wife rent to live in his house with him.) He has set up a scenario in which I cannot make a financial contribution and yet he faults me for my lack-of-making-a-cotribution...  I think he does that because he feels so powerless to make any non-financial contributions to the marriage, and cannot bear to acknowledge that.

He will not go to therapy. Period. I think I understand why he behaves like he does, but I don't know how to engage in a dialogue about these issues that doesn't threaten him. I cut him so much slack I'd never cut an able-bodied man who behaved like he does - but he'd be enraged if he ever heard me say that. I don't know how to handle this situation, and I'm afraid if I don't change my MO our marriage is doomed. That would be a real tragedy, because outside of this dynamic, we are actually great influences on each other, and we love each other a lot. I would be very grateful for any insight on this. I really am at my wits' end.

It sounds like this behavior is not really related to his SCI, but to him being a rigid and controlling man who does not see a marriage as a loving partnership but as a business relationship. I am puzzled about what you get out of this marriage and why you went into it under these conditions.

 

If he will not go for counseling, you should go for yourself to help you understand why you tolerate what sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. What needs to change is not "your MO" but his treatment of you, or perhaps you need to get out of this toxic relationship.

 

If he has so much money, and wants to have the house only to himself, then let him hire help to "do" for him, including the cleaning, etc. Why do you feel you need to do it?

 

Did you have an attorney represent you before you signed the pre-nup? What state are you in? I am not sure you can completely sign away your rights if you are in a community property state.

 

 

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Moderator

Thank you for such a frank response.

I've actually been in therapy for years and this relationship, when it began, was head and shoulders the happiest and stablest one I'd ever been in; my therapist and I together agreed that I was ready to end therapy because I seemed to finally have found my core stability. I used to describe my husband's effect on me as: "He takes me very seriously and yet keeps me from taking myself too seriously" - both elements I needed in a relationship. Everyone in my life marvelled at how grounded, contented and joyful I became once we got together. The bad behavior I am describing  is of more recent vintage. I believe he is behaving unpleasantly as a response to external stressors. I'm not making excuses for him, but I do recognize (both empirically and intuitively) innately abusive personalities when I encounter them, and I really do not put him in that camp. If I did, this would be easier: I'd just leave. I'm pretty good at leaving. But this feels more like a Gordian knot in an otherwise excellent coil of rope.

Yes, I had an attorney for the pre-nup (we're not in a community property state). If he had been behaving so harshly in general while ironing out the pre-nup, I would not have agreed to his draconian demands. Given how hard he worked for what he has, I had no problem agreeing that what he earned should remain his if the marriage did not work out - but these new behavioral elements were not yet in play. Those sprang up  after we actually got married - which corresponded with moving into his parents' house while ours was being built. I believe a lot of what I am subjected to is related to living with his parents (no fault of theirs, just the circumstances). Whenever we leave their home, even for a single overnight getaway, he becomes the person I fell in love with. (There is also alcohol abuse and enabling of that abuse within the household, which obviously does not help matters.)

It is really helpful to hear the observation that you don't think this is related to his SCI. It's hard for me to believe that, but that doesn't mean you're not spot-on. It is certainly true that his family and close friends have indulged his hard-headedness far more than they would have if he were able-bodied... so on the one hand, if he were able-bodied, he'd have been socially conditioned out of his hardheadedness... but I don't know that he would have matured into somebody so hard-headed to start with if he were able-bodied, because he would not have needed such hard-headedness to survive.

A live-in relationship with a woman is completely new territory to him; I don't mind putting some energy into educating him (he is a fast learner, when he's interested in learning), I just can't figure out how to walk the line between "listen up, buster!" (which makes him defensive) and over-accomodating. That's the exhausting part.

Thank you, again, for listening.

First let me say welcome to the forum.  I am glad that you have found a place where you feel comfortable posting.  Our situations are very different, but I see elements of your husband in mine, and I think it is somewhat SCI related.  My husband has a very high level injury which basically renders him totally dependant unlike your husband.  Obviously he has to acknowledge the caregiving duties I perform for him.  But it is the other stuff he just doesn’t see or acknowledge…like the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, the driving the kids to and fro, running the errands, doing the yard work, hauling the stuff up to the attic….you get my idea.  I have sort of decided that maybe it is too hard for him to really acknowledge.  Deep down he knows I do that stuff, but it is sort of never spoken.  It’s basically the tactic his family has adopted too.  If you don’t acknowledge it or speak of it then it isn’t happening or doesn’t exist.  They talk a lot about the weather and Purdue Basketball if you get my drift.

 

The other thing I will say is that there are many ways to contribute to a marriage financially is merely one.  My mother never worked a day after she married my father, but she was truly the glue that held the family tight.  Although my father was highly successful and financially we wanted for nothing, he never had the bond with us that my mom does, and it is still that way today.  In a marriage, partners can provide to each other in many ways.  Maybe because your husband can’t provide some of the things an AB husband might, he tries to put all his eggs in the financial basket since it seems that is the one thing he feels he can provide.

 

It seems like a complicated dynamic, and I certainly don’t have any answers for you.  All I can offer is that I feel your pain and I hope that you and your husband can find a middle ground somewhere along the way.  One thing I do know is that money isn’t everything…and anyone that thinks it is should re-evaluate their priorities.  

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

It sounds like the difficulties in your marriage are related to spinal cord injury, perhaps an angry insecure husband who feels out of control, in-laws, and a wife who is trying way too hard to do the right thing for a husband who can't be satisfied.

So what out of everything I said, the last part is the only relevant one. Because you are the one reaching out, you are the one who's most likely to change. The most difficult decision you have to make is whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. This marriage. Not the one you had before or the one you wish for. This one. And if the answer is no, then what needs to change for you to stay here. And then the next question is what needs to happen -- what do the two of you need to do -- to make the necessary changes for you to be comfortable and even happy in this marriage.
If you can engage in this dialogue with your husband, then there is hope. And if you do engage in this dialogue, it's pretty obvious that he is also not happy in this marriage and I would want to know what needs to happen to make him happy also.

But please be clear, you might not be entitled to happiness or even nurture, but any human must feel safe and cared about our else they stop growing. The Buddha talked about compassion for self and others -- in that order. Take care of yourself and let things flow out of that

Dan

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com

You have a lot of good advice here, and you seem to have a good understanding about what is going on here.  One thing that jumps out at me it the fact that you are living with his parents right now, an that this attitide is related to this, and seems to go away when you are away.  How much longer before you move out?

When adults move back in with their parents, they tend to revert back to behaviors that belong to thier childhood, especially emotionally.  Having his parents around colors how YOU respond to him as well. 

Any changes in this dynamic are going to be much more difficult in this situation.  I lnow personally my husband and I tend to argue a lot more when staying with family.  Keep this in mind as you work to resolve the issues.

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T 7-8 since 2005

Thank you all for these heart-felt responses.

The parents'-house issue is hugely significant, and we won't have our own place until late May. (We were originally supposed to move in at Thanksgiving but various things have delayed it 6 months - it's probably no coincidence that things got unpleasant just around our original move-in date.) I do feel that any significant decisions I try to make until then would probably be premature - I need to spend the next 6 months taking care of my own mental health in the moment; I think larger decisions need to wait. I know I don't want to be in THIS marriage, but THIS marriage is up in 6 months, and I want to see what happens next.

Meanwhile, my husband has flashes of insight that give me hope. When we were in the tile and cabinet places today, he went out of his way to say "our" (house, bathroom, cabinets, etc.) rather than "my" or "the", and he even pointed out certain elements as being mine. ("Hey, this is for your bookshelf in your writing room! Do you like it?") On the one hand, it seems silly to point out such a minor linguistic trick as a sign of health; on the other hand, subtext runs deep with him.

I will bear in mind all of these responses in the weeks and months ahead, and no doubt come back here to re-read them once we are no longer under his parents' roof, if indeed I am still feeling as powerless as I do now. I am very grateful for all of these responses.

Hi there,

I am new to forum, and I am finding some solace here in what everyone is saying. I care for my husband 24/7 and we argue all the time about how much I need him to show that he cares about what i do for him. I feel like I give up so much of myself to care for his every need. Personally for me, it makes me feel like I don't matter much and that is hard for me to feel that way because I feel like I gave up everything to be a caregiver instead of just a wife.....My husband is a C3 quad injured 6 weeks after we got married, so I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that people that were married longer before injury are having some of the same issues. I don't mean for that to sound bad....just that I am taking so much comfort in knowing that I am not alone in these feelings. Before he was injured I was the most important person in the world to him, I feel that I still am, but now it's for different reasons. He has only been injured less than 2 years so this is still al new and we are still adjusting.

Thank you to everyone that posts on here. I look forward to getting to know you better.

Tracy

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Tracy Keil