On Healing

Re: Expectations

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:57:11 GMT

Oh do I ever remember the fear of dating. My self-esteem was so low and I was terribly ashamed of how my body looked I just assumed no one would ever be attracted to me again. But they were and they are. A friend of mine once said what a woman really wants is to see a man without his mask. That's not true for all women, but for many who won a deeper relationship with a real person, that's exactly what they want. Well, we are men without masks. You and I might be troubled by our bodies, that doesn't mean everyone is. But I believe there is no way around the fear. But remember, insecurity is just insecurity. When you feel insecure and pretend you are not, you are acting in a way that is not authentic. When you feel insecure and don't pretend, your heart is open and you are much more attractive.

Re: Expectations

randi's friend — Wed, 06 May 2009 02:02:51 GMT

I really appreciate these responses. I can't imagine right now that I could actually end up in love like you are. Bit since it happened to you I have to thiink it might to me too. I keep thinking I am "different" but I am not really different than many of you and you did it. Maybe it;s just so new right now and I don't feel like I was before. I AM SCARED SHITLESS do you remember.going thru that ????

Re: Expectations

brightblueskies — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:01:47 GMT

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to summon up the courage to date after an SCI .... your whole physical world has turned upside down and it probably feels like the same thing has happened to your social world. But in reality, SCI is in many ways a good filter for the crap .... friends who were true friends stick with you, family who are worthy of being called such stick with you, and when meeting new people, you generally find less chafe and more wheat. I met my husband 15 years post SCI and while I have posted (endlessly it seems!) about how hard it it, you'll also see in those same posts how very much I love him and that his injury didn't scare me off. Just put your chin up and get out there! :)

Re: Expectations

ratherbflyin — Tue, 05 May 2009 04:35:04 GMT

Have you seen the movie "Murderball"? It shows young guys from our paralympics rugby team and addresses your questions from their perspective as they are actually out with friends. Some of the guys in this DVD say that quite the opposite is true, that the wheelchair is a conversation starter and sparks curiosity. If you haven't seen it, I would recommend it highly. It's a positive look at living with paralysis from these atheletes and their friends, girlfriends, wives, children, etc. If your therapists have not seen this movie, encourage them to see it. I took a copy to the physical therapy center I went to - it was an eye opener that changed several of the therapists' views on life after paralysis.

By the way, women who are scared off aren't worth your time!

Re: Expectations

randi's friend — Tue, 05 May 2009 02:12:55 GMT

What's it like to socialize and date after a spinal cord injury ??? I am not sure how to enter that world again--and speaking of expectations, I don't know how women will react to my situation. One of my therapists says a lot of women will be scared off------she says others won't. I don't know how to get started because I was nopt much of a deep conversationalist before. Guys what did you do?

Re: Expectations

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:59:34 GMT

The world looks different from the wheelchair. I used to hate going to weddings. But now I enjoy watching life unfolding before me. I feel the same way as I look out the window as each season changes. I don't think I would notice as much if I was still running around trying to be the person I thought I was supposed to be.

Re: Expectations

ratherbflyin — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:40:31 GMT

Have to smile at that one (the candy bar experience)! After three years of just accepting what was available nearby or asking for someone to pick something up for me it is good to know that if I really want or need to get something, I can do it. I agree with everyone that I, too, am more appreciative of the things many take for granted. I am also grateful for opportunities that many others are not able to enjoy.

Re: Expectations

Dan Gottlieb — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:36:05 GMT

Expectations inevitably cause suffering. If your expectations are met, you don't notice and if they are not met, you will be disappointed or even heartbroken. And expectations are inevitable. It would be very difficult to live our lives without some vision of what tomorrow might look like. Even if that vision is an illusion, we'll have one and it is called expectations. So, sadly, you were disappointed with maybe a side order of self-pity. Makes sense to me. Usually disappointment goes away when either the situation changes or when time intervenes. But for some, disappointment festers and turns it into a world view which can easily turn to depression. I was so happy you've had a chance to try out your new wheels.

About 10 years ago I was craving a certain kind of candy bar. So I got into my Van drove to my local convenience store bought the candy bar and got back in the van. I tore it open with my teeth and joyfully consumed it in about four seconds! Driving home, I felt such great pride and joy that I was able to do something like that by myself. That joy is only enhanced when I got home and realized that there were very few people in the world that could feel such joy about driving themselves to get a candy bar. Lucky me!

Re: Expectations

ratherbflyin — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:32:04 GMT

Welcome to the community and thanks for your comments. Actually, we're expecting sleet and snow flurries tonight. I am waiting for the parts for the EZ Lock, but, yes, I have been driving very carefully, transferring into the driver's seat and taking care to avoid sudden stops and accelerations (my power chair rolls a little if I do so). Think it will be even easier to load and unload once the lockdown is in place. It is great to know I can go somewhere if I choose to do so.

Re: Expectations

Hot Wheelz — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 00:02:42 GMT

I can relate to your post so well. I am also spinal cord injured and need special hand control and stuff. Once upon a time I was in a similar situation where I was waiting for my new minivan to be done, so that I could regain my freedom.

I want to applaud how you captured that feeling of anticipation of seeing your freedom through a rainy window and knowing that it is within your reach yet it's so far away. There are so many people in this world who truely do not appreciate that freedom of being to be able to just jump into car without having to go through so much just to get in it and drive away.

I guess you must be out driving now and enjoying the spring weather. At least on the sunny spring days. lol
I hope that you have plenty of memorable moments and lots of trouble free miles with your SUV. Freedom is priceless!!!

Expectations

ratherbflyin — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 08:20:11 GMT

Friday, March 13, 2009

"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." -Thomas Merton
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Friday the 13th. Tricadecaphobia for many, but not me. I'm remembering the children's story about the wolf and the grapes. The wolf is under a tree with grapes hanging just out of reach, after trying to get the grapes by jumping and jumping. He imagined how sweet and juicy they would taste. After trying as hard as he could, the grapes remained out of reach.

I'm sitting at home in my wheelchair, looking out the window at my newly delivered SUV. It's too rainy to try to open the door and really have a good look inside, so I am just examining it through the raindrops and reminding myself that I can't drive it right now anyway (it needs two more conversions to be fully accessible for me)...just like the wolf told himself that the grapes were probably sour and bitter when he could not find a way to reach them.

Seeing my long-awaited SUV parked in my specially marked space is also a concrete symbol of disability and, even though I look forward to more freedom to come and go as I please, it's another silly, unexpected, and sneaky innoculation of reality! Frustrating that an event that I have been anticipating for three years is a mixed bag of meaning. Perhaps, when the rain stops and I can inspect it thoroughly, my excitement will return.

Thomas Merton's quotation above is very loosely connected to this post, expectation of a particular reaction or result interferes with the freedom to simply accept experiences as they are. Today is just another cloudy, rainy day in the South and the SUV in the drive is just an SUV...