Letting go of thoughts sounds like exactly what I need. I’ll have to trust you on the neural pathways part. But 20 minutes is seriously a very long time. I’m not sure when it actually happened, but I can no longer just sit quietly and still for 20 minutes. Anytime I sit down, at about the 5 minute mark I start going over all the things that are still left undone. I have the thought if I can just get everything done then I’ll sit here for a while. Problem is there never comes a point when everything is done. I’m sure this is the case for many people, but caring for a high level quad greatly intensifies the amount of things that are always undone. I know I could be a single mom because I basically do that gig anyway. It’s when you throw in the challenges of careginving on top that tips the scale.
Here is the thing about thoughts. I think I have too many. And I think I have so many because there really is no outlet of all of these thoughts swirling around in my mind. When you’re pregnant, raising teenagers, juggling work and a home you find many people to talk to. Other women can relate, offer support, and share a “you’re so right about that” moment. But with caregiving it’s not the same. What I do is not like taking care of your sick child for a few days or helping your husband recover from surgery. My type of caregiving is permanent. Most don’t want to hear about it, and most people can’t begin to imagine the intensity of this type of caregiving.
I once read this book about a woman’s struggle with caring for her husband with MS while raising their 3 children. It took many years, but she really just went over the edge and ended up putting him in a nursing home. However, I totally understood her. I knew where she was coming from. The book was harsh, brutal, but realistic and true. 10 years ago if I had read that book I would have thought she was some kind of monster. Today I felt nothing but compassion for her. Some of the thoughts caregivers have seem just too intense, too awful, and too harsh to even say out loud. They remain just thoughts constantly occupying the mind.
Be advised, I’m working my way up to 20 minutes. How long does it actually take to build a neural pathway? Please don’t say 30 minutes!
Trish
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."
