Trish - we continue to live oddly parallel lives. I haven't been over in a very long time, but in looking around today, this post really hit home with me because I'm dealing with the same issues. I made two very major changes lately, and both have been absolutely amazingly good for me.
1) we hired a PCA. We can afford it, but just barely. But I can only barely hold onto life if we don't, so that is that. My husband is not terribly thrilled with how fast we are blowing through some money we had saved, but you know - tough! It's just the price of doing business. I can't do it all. And since we do have a little fall back now financially (which wasn't the case a few months ago), then I'm going to take advantage of it.
2) HE is in charge of a bunch more things now:
When we first got the PCA, I would arrange what time he came over and then every. single. day. my husband would complain that he was too tired, could the PCA come later, or to just send him home, etc etc. I just said NO. He is here now, you are getting ranged, getting a shower, getting fed and getting up. The end. But they he was pissed at me for him not wanting the PCA to work then. It finally occured to me a few days ago that MY HUSBAND is the one who should be telling the PCA when HE wants him to come. So last week I made him negotiate a schedule with the PCA and a few times he asked for my opinion about when he should come, and I said "that's between you and (PCA) - I want nothing to do with it so that you can't be mad at me!". And damn, it worked. Or at least so far, a few days is probably too soon to declare victory.
Now with the PCA, things aren't always done right - he's new, he's young and well, he's not me. The other day the PCA didn't put the leg strap on him when he was up in his chair, which I discovered when I put him to bed that night. I was irked because its very important obviously so that his suprapub cath doesn't pull on his bladder (which it was), but my husband seemed irked at ME for not checking it after he was up. The next day I realized: this is not my problem!!!! He has a perfectly good set of eyes, HE can check if his leg strap is on as he is getting in his chair. I do not have to check every single little thing. HE can do it.
I have a little self righteous indignation going now, so it may come off rather rude above, but its more about my liberation than trying to be mean to my husband. And liberation feels good! I'm now thinking about the other things he can do so that I can be more free of the chains of caregiving and be more of a normal wife again.
