I've been paralyzed since 1998. My injury level is c4-c5 complete with some arm movement but unable to grasp and unable to move fingers. I can't feel anything from my upper chest and on down. I write this because I feel as if I can't and don't want to keep on living like this. I was in a car crash; I was a passenger and only 23 years old at the time. My boyfriend was the driver. When I awoke out of an induced coma 9 days after I was told Ray, my boyfriend, had passed. Ray had some sort of head trauma. God I miss him. I don't recall how the crash occurred or if we were wearing our seatbelts. I wasn't able to kiss, hug and caress Ray goodbye. I think about him all the time. Would we still be together? Would we be married with a family?
Life has been cruel. This paralysis makes you depressed and most of all it humbles and humiliates you. The inability to do things for yourself. Your independence snatched from you whether you want to give it up or not.
It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a man. The love of someone who truly does care and respects you. I know my family loves me but the love I'm writing about doesn't come from my mother or my niece, sister or brother that love would be a crime. The love I write about is the love that looks at you and you feel invincible as if you can leap up in the air and touch the moon. The love where your heart is beating 5 miles a second without causing a heart attack. Lately I have been wearing his cologne because is getting harder to see his face. I feel like I'm never going to see him again. It hurts to know. It hurts to be here alive alone especially at night. No cuddles, no goodnight kisses, no warm body next to mine.
It's been 11 years this August and every single second feels like an eternity. I pray to God every day and night that He grants me my prayer, my prayer to die. For God to take my life because I don't have the strength to do it myself. I believe in God, in heaven and hell and believe if I were to take my life I would go to hell to burn in eternity. I'm writing this and I'm holding back tears. Tonight I'll let them out. I don't want to cry now 'cause mom's around.
