Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

Wow, Dr. Dan, you really touched my soul today with your thoughts.
My signature on all but one of my email accounts is "Every day I wake up is a good one."  I had a dear and very close friend who had this as his signature.  He was injured many years ago in the Australia outback.  He was a fighter, the first quad to ever walk out of the Brisbane SCI unit in Queensland.  He returned to his life, owned and operated a sheep and cattle ranch on his own. His nearest neighbor was 45 miles away. He went weeks at times without seeing people but he loved and embraced life fully, hanging on to and enjoying each moment.

He lived in the moment and for the moment and taught me many life lessons.  Eighteen months ago he died in a horrible accident on his ranch.  I have no doubt that the day he died, was indeed a good day--he was working his ranch and getting ready for a trip overseas.

Every day I wake up is a good one.  I try to live and embrace each day like my mate.  I took his signature line, as a daily reminder to embrace each day, the good and the bad, to simply embrace it and enjoy each moment.

A life lesson learned the hard way and not always easy to remember. 

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Thank you,

Every day I wake up is a good one.
phf 59-08

Thank you for sharing this!

This might sound like name dropping (well, it is) I was at a party last night in Washington DC at the home of Ben Bradlee (that's Ben Bradlee) and his wife Sally Quinn (of Newsweek). There was about 80 people there -- political people, bankers, entrepreneurs and philanthropists. And little Danny Gottlieb! Don't ask how I got the invitation, but more important, the party was about "wisdom of Sam" and I got to speak to this august audience for about 10 minutes. So what do I tell such an audience?

I talked about my grandson's great compassion despite or because of his autism. And how he is such a genuinely loving child -- unusually so for a 10-year-old boy. I told them (referring to a chapter in the book) about a conversation I had with him two years ago when I asked him if he felt different from the other kids. He said he did and when I asked him how so, he thought for a minute before locking me in the eye and saying "pop, I think I am more kind." And he is.

I talked about Sam and the Sam's in the world as teachers. And Sam's teaching his kindness. I ask these people to imagine their hearts being a little more open today than they were yesterday. I asked them to imagine themselves being a little more kind tomorrow than they were today. And to imagine if that continued day after day.

And perhaps that could become a powerful change agent in the this world. Kindness.

When I teach it, I feel it. Join me?

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Congratulations, Dan! How exciting for you and for them. I wonder if your book touched a heartstring connected with their son? What an interesting evening it must have been and an honor to be recognized by such well known journalists!!!

Sam recently had an insight that could benefit all of us. Along with his mother, he was at a friends house for a large dinner gathering of about 20 people. He was the only child there. At the end of the evening he told his mother that he felt "really nervous and embarrassed" being there. Not only was he the only child, but because of being on the autism spectrum, he has a good deal of social anxiety.
His mother, being empathic said: "I can certainly understand your feelings, I have been in your position and felt the same way. But look at it this way, all of the people there enjoyed having you. And because you were there, the party was a little bit better."
And here is Sam the wise man: "I know mommy, but when I am feeling really nervous and embarrassed, I can't think of other people's feelings, I can only think of my own."

Remarkable insight and true for all of us. But here's the irony, when we spend too much time thinking about our own feelings they actually get worse. And when we begin to think about other people's feelings with care and compassion we get better.

Life can sure be complicated

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Well, last Thursday was my 64th birthday and I spent it at a Carole King/James Taylor concert. Great fun and great music and I went with great friends. 64 years old and I have lived nearly half my life with quadriplegia. I can't count the number of bowel and bladder accidents I've lived with or the number of skin breakdowns. Certainly if I had $10 for every urinary tract infection, I could probably wiped out the federal deficit. My wife left me a cause of this (and I am sure other reasons) and I have missed out on many activities. I have endured depression and worse (self-pity).

And as I age, I find myself even more reflective than usual. I look back over these catastrophes with a wistful eye. What strikes me about my life is about today. So many friends, so many people I love who love me, after 30 years of reflection, I've grown to love the trees outside of my house knowing they will be here far longer than I.

I wrote in one of my books how a friend of mine came over one day looking for a shoulder as she was having a difficult time in her. She asked me if I believed in heaven. And without thinking, I said I absolutely did "and we are living in it right now." Think about the chances of that sperm fertilizing an egg and even having a life. Or having parents who cared for us sufficiently so that we could survive our childhoods or that we could have people we love today and who love us. What are the chances of all of those things happening to us? It's not the heaven we read about, but this is a blessing.

Living with great adversity changes the way we look at life (if we are lucky).

I wear a Texas catheter and I have been having great difficulty keeping them on. Last Wednesday I had to change my pants three times! So on Thursday I got a text message from a friend of mine asking me how my day was going. I said I was having a great day -- two o'clock in the afternoon and I haven't peed in my pants! I really was happy about that. How many people could say that!

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Dear Dr Dan,

 

Happy 64th!!

 

I agree that living with adversity changes the way we look at life.  It changes everything..some of us will become bitter and some of us will become better. 

 

The question is ...who, will we become?

 

Who, will I become? I ask myself.

 

I am not sure I would agree this physical life is heaven. I don't think it is heaven or hell. I think it is a journey which will make us or brake us. It is the prelude of what can be. And I wonder why some need to suffer more than others? Is this a random thing? Or is there a purpose? I wonder!

 

I guess for the here and now, the question is not that important. All it matters is that we enjoy the moment. The love, the life we are given. 

 

But, I can not help wondering why some must be so deprived? Why some have it so easy?  

 

Just a question..that is all..

 

My best Ivonne

 

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"Life is a box of chocolates"

Love your questions Ivonne! And, of course, each of us must answer them for ourselves, but I'm happy to share some of my reflections on these issues.

Who will I become? I took a philosophy course in college and we were talking about identity. My professor gave us the assignment to answer the question "who am I.?" Being a poor student and being a bit of a hippie back in the 60s, I didn't do my assignment. The next day the teacher said to me: "Mr. Gottlieb, who am I?" Being a bit of a smartass, I said: "who wants to know?" I was fully prepared to get thrown out of class, but she thought the answer was brilliant! Of course, I was just lucky but it is the right question.

So to me, the question is not who will we become, the question is who are we right now. We can only answer the question about who we will become in hindsight. So who are you now? And even that answer changes moment by moment.

I don't ask who I will become because I know that answer. I will become deceased long before I want to!
So I try to be conscious of that every day which helps me live my life more awake and alive. Often when I am at peace and reflect on these questions, what I experience his gratitude

. Wish I could do that all day, but I have this mind that keeps hijacking my serenity!

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Dear Dr Dan and all!!

 

I always searched for more than today. However, after my husbands' paralyzes and now in the present. I realize I need only to crasp the here and now, tomorrow is always unknown...but, can I say... I always had a vision. Never this one however.. 

 

I will try my best not to let myself become depressed. For me this means to change many things as I view life. But, one thing I can say. I will not give up...Never..  

 

I recently found "chronicles of a care giver" within the Christopher Reeve site. I have found there are support groups for care givers and I am going to reach them all and see what I can find. I am looking for answers to very deep questions...

 

I need to come to turn with this situation. I need to be ok in the morning and every morning, every day....

for my husband's sake, for our daughters sake and yes!

 

For my sake....

 

I hope I hear from you,  I am not where I need to be yet and I am  hoping others are willing to point out some things to me .... 

 

Like I said before in past postings. I am searching....

but, I am also willing to listen to others. Perhaps we can all help one another. 

 

Blessings to you and all..Ivonne

 

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"Life is a box of chocolates"

Hello Ivonne,

Rachel Naomi Ramen M.D. once said in a poem "fear is the friction in transitions."
I have always found that line helpful as whenever I look at people who were struggling with changes in their lives, I can see they are experiencing friction in transitions.
You know who you are and what you had, in this moment, you know what you have. But you don't know what the future holds.

The research shows that those who experienced disability early in life and those who experience it later in life tend to do better. And as people live with their disability, their outlook and attitude also improves. But that can sometimes take several years.I have no doubt it's the same for caregivers in good relationships

So what happens during this period of friction? You try to be okay every morning and you succeed. Usually. You try to be strong and upbeat and carry everyone on your shoulders and you succeed. For a while. And sometimes you engage in extensive tear shed, self-pity, resentment and victimization. That is part of the friction and it is almost inevitable. Don't worry, it doesn't last -- usually.

And at the end you are able to look back and see how much you've changed and how much your life has changed and how much your marriage has changed.

And how much everything has remained the same as it was before all of this happened.

Dan

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Dear Dr Dan,

 

I love your quotes.. I did not know, Naomi Ramen.. now I do. Thank to you.!

 

I like this one ..

 

" It is the wisdom gained from our wounds and from our experiences of suffering that makes us able to heal".

 

Nice!!!

 

Hope you are feeling better..

 

Regards, Ivonne

 

 

 

 

 

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"Life is a box of chocolates"

I just had a consultation with a man in his mid-40s who had been a C5 quadriplegic for 15 years. He said the reason he wanted to see me was because he felt like he hasn't done enough with his life and that he has allowed his disability to define him. Furthermore, he said he felt lost.

Always a fan of simple questions, I asked him what stopped him from taking ownership of his life. So he began to tell the story he always tells himself and others; he doesn't know what he should be doing, could be doing, what opportunities are out there, issues of access, etc.

When he was done, I respectfully suggested that was his story and, frankly, it sounded well practiced. So I asked him to take a look further inside, look in my eyes and think about what really stops him. And of course the answer was fear. He is afraid of failure, being rejected, making the wrong decision and on and on.

Throughout the session I kept hearing the voice of self judgment and criticism which he seemed to react to very quickly.
So when he said he's lost his identity, I took this as an opportunity to help him find who he really is.

Having some sensation in each of his thumbs I asked him to feel what it was like when they touched his face. To notice the sensation on the pad of his thumb and then to notice what his cheek felt like. We moved on to different parts of his body just to notice one they felt like and then we moved to his breath so that he could notice how his body moved with each in breath and each our breath.
And then I asked him to notice what it was like to be sitting in my office having this contact exploring these issues all while breathing.
And then I told him that his thoughts probably hijacked his attention several times by now. So now he can simply notice his breath but also notice when his thoughts take his attention away and generally bring his attention back to his breath.

The whole exercise took about five minutes and when we were done I told him that we just discovered his identity. His identity was the experience of his life during these last five minutes "all the rest is just wardrobe."

He told me this was the first time in 15 years he was not lost in his thoughts and the first time he didn't feel any pressure just being conscious of what he was feeling.

What a blessing for both of us

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

I am taking an informal survey that I may or may not use at some future date.

With what you are going through, what kind of conversation would you love to have with a grandfatherly type person?
What questions would you like to ask you and what advice would you seek?
Thanks so much

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Hello Dr Dan,

I will be happy to participate!!  But, my questions are too many and too deep. If you post your questions however, I will answer.    Regards,  Ivonne

 

  

   

 

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"Life is a box of chocolates"