Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

As I write this, my new book "Wisdom of Sam: Observations on Life from an Uncommon Child" is arriving at bookstores.

My original book "Letters to Sam" was wildly successful and sold in over 20 languages. In that book, I wrote Sam a series of letters expressing all of the love, and wishes and a grandfather would wish for his grandson. But it also expressed something else -- the great compassion and understanding a quadriplegic grandfather has for a grandson who is on the autism spectrum.

But now, nearly 10 years old, not only is Sam speaking, he is remarkably eloquent and insightful. So this book is about Sam's wisdom and his very unique way of looking at the world. But it's not just about his wisdom, it's about the wisdom of all of our children. They are born with and uncanny ability to experience joy, awe, love and trust. And after a year or so, they can feel compassion.

For the first year of his life, Sam stayed away from me as he was afraid of my wheelchair. When he was about 18 months old my father died and we had a graveside funeral. He was on the other side of the grave in his mother's arms and I was crying quietly. But when he saw this, he insisted that his mother bring him to me so he could sit on my lap. That kind of compassion has stayed with Sam. He cares deeply, he understands a great deal and he is kind. Just like the rest of us.

I'll tell you more stories about Sam and subsequent postings. But first, take a look at the book trailer and you will get to see exactly what I am talking about:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Dr. Dan:
I really enjoyed Letters to Sam so I will keep an eye open for the Wisdom of Sam. Wisdom of all of us in the store.  I will also make sure our librarian gets a copy for the Reeve Foundations library.....I am sure she is already ahead of me on that idea.

I read your posts every visit and some I re-read over and over again. In your post to Trish about Spring Cleaning, your underlying message came thru again-----we each have our own wisdom, we need to see it and trust it. Most importantly, we need to live in the moment.

I loved the YouTube excerpt---looking forward to the book.

I will post back after I read, Wisdom of Sam.

Many thanks.

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Thank you,

Every day I wake up is a good one.
phf 59-08

I ditto what Bernadette said.  The trailer is wonderful, and I can’t wait to read the book and your additional comments.

 

I have learned so many wonderful and amazing things from my sons.  I had no idea what to expect from them after our accident and the tremendous changes to their father.  What I saw was compassion, love, kindness and acceptance. Our children are very wise.  We can learn so much from them if we just listen and watch.   

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

I am so happy so many of you are enjoying the trailer for "wisdom of Sam", the feedback I have been receiving his tremendous.
To film this to a half minute piece, Sam and I were at a studio for four hours doing all sorts of things. We had some serious talks, playful lunches, some awkward times for both of us but mostly it was fun.
A couple of hours later, Debbie told me that Sam told her he felt like he lost his private relationship with his Pop. You can imagine the kind of guilt and remorse I felt. I was fully prepared to put an end to both the trailer and the book is neither were as important as Sam's feeling about our relationship. I felt I had exploited this poor child and hurt him. I was beside myself with pain when Debbie suggested to wait a couple of hours and then talk to Sam.

That evening when he picked up the phone, he sounded like his same old delightful self when he said "hi Pop". I told him I felt terrible about what happened and that we didn't have to do it. Sam, in all of his wisdom said that he had given it some thought (what's new!): "you see Pop, I think what might get lost is our semi private relationship. So I worry that if this gets too popular, people might come up to us in restaurants that we don't know and I wouldn't like that very much. But that is only our semi private relationship and that's not as important as our real private relationship. And nobody could take that away. So it's okay, you don't have to worry about it."

Okay, so you get it by now that this is an amazing little human with remarkable kindness and insight.

A couple of nights later I reflected back to my many days of hospitalization after the accident. When every day brought the realization of something else I would have to live without for the rest of my life. And every day, it seemed, someone would come into my room without even introducing themselves and pull my covers down and begin doing something to me -- I didn't even care what. Sometimes I felt angry and said something, sometimes I felt despair or disgust and didn't say anything. But I always hated it. A white hot hatred for taking away my dignity. One day somebody examined me, didn't cover me properly and walked out of the room without closing the door. I screamed at the top of my week voice "close the f ing door, you idiot." But nobody heard and nobody closed the door.
And there I was. Rage gave way to self-pity which gave way to tears of compassion for myself. And the next thing I felt was a kind of strength I had never felt before. The kind that comes with a clear minded resolution and a conviction to carry it out. I laid in bed and said out loud: "nobody will ever take my dignity away. Nobody will and nobody can. I can lay in this bed naked for the world to see, but I still have my dignity." By and large, I have felt that way for 30 years.

They can take away what is semiprivate, but they can never take away what is really private and important. Thank you Sam.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Dr. Dan~ I promise that if I run into you and Sam in Philly or NJ I won't ask for an autograph! ;-) 

I loved picking up from your letters to Sam.  The changes in Sam made me teary.  Indeed, he is an amazing and insightful person. The trailer left me with a smile in my heart for a number of days.

Please tell Sam I said thanks for sharing--it was a gift to many.

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Thank you,

Every day I wake up is a good one.
phf 59-08

Sam recently told his mother that he was not going to go to college. He said he wouldn't have time because his father was going to teach him how to sail. Not only that but "dad didn't go to college and look how good he is."
Sam was sitting in the back of the car during this conversation and Debbie explained to him that his father would have liked to have gone to college: "you know how curious daddy is and how much he likes to learn new stuff." But Sam didn't understand why he didn't go to college. Debbie reminded Sam of how much trouble his father had in school because of his learning disability (dyslexia) and, she said "but even if it wasn't for that, there wasn't enough money to send him to college."
When she finished, she looked in the rearview mirror and saw that Sam was crying.

This is compassion at its most pure and selfless. Compassion is simply feeling into another person without needing to do anything or change anything, simply feeling. For those of us who have experienced great pain and trauma, most of us will report that the most painful part of trauma is feeling so alone in the workout -- that we are not understood and cannot be understood. This kind of selfless compassion that Sam experienced for his father is what cures alienation. That's what we needed in our darkest days (and if these days are dark ones, this is what we need now). We needed someone to be able to look in our eyes and try to fathom how we experience our lives and then simply let themselves feel.

Compassion can sustain lives and save lives for both the giver and the receiver.

There's several great examples of Sam's compassion in the new book.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk

Congratulations! Looking forward to reading this sequel!

Dan,

 

I finished reading The Wisdom of Sam last week.  It’s a wonderful read, and I recommend that everyone pick up a copy.

 

If someone asked me what the book is about, I would never say it’s about autism in a child because really it isn’t.  It’s a book about compassion, about love and about living and loving life regardless of your ability or disability.  It’s a book about being human and allowing your own heart to open up more fully.  It’s also a very touching story about the love between a grandfather and his grandson.  Thanks for sharing both Sam and Dan’s wisdom.

 

Two thumbs up from me.

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

hi Trish,
thanks so much for your kind words about my book. Would you be my Midwest marketing director in your spare time!?

Well I'd like to tell you a little story about Sam's wisdom that didn't quite make it to the book, but it is relevant for all of us whether we are caregivers were caretakers:

Sam and his mother were at a Thanksgiving dinner for about 15 people. These were friends of Debbie's but no relatives and Sam was the only kid. At the end of the meal, Sam confided to his mother: "mommy, during that meal I was very nervous and self-conscious." Debbie, in all her compassion told him that she understood his feelings as she has been in that position also. But she also encouraged him to look at it from another perspective: "think about all of the people there and how much they enjoyed your presence. The event was even better because of you."
Sam's wisdom: "I know mommy, but when I am having those big feelings, I can't think of other people's feelings, I can only think of my own."

So if you are anxious or depressed and self absorbed, all of those emotions demand attention. And like Sam says, it's difficult finding real compassion for others when you are suffering so much.
But here is the paradox that I hope Sam learns as he gets older: although he is right about those big feelings demanding attention, sometimes the only way out of self-absorption is through compassion for others. Not caretaking or even more self-sacrifice, simply finding genuine care and compassion in your heart for other. And if you can build up your compassion muscles, then you might find it easier to feel compassion for yourself.

But Sam is too young for that.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"
trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V4QrekU1Wk