No one will argue that your life is extraordinarily difficult, more so than most humans on this planet. And most would understand that sometimes you are frustrated, despairing, hopeless and angry. But just because these emotions are understandable, it doesn't mean they are healthy. If you aren't already clinically depressed, hopelessness and helplessness are both symptoms and precursors. And, no, not everyone thinks sometimes they would be better off dead. Those emotions can either be seen as symptoms of depression (and there are) or they can be seen as a voice coming from deep down inside of you telling you that what you are doing and how you are doing it is harming you. That voice is telling you you need care. And my fear, Trish is that if you don't listen to that voice now, it will get louder. Same thing that happens with our bodies when we ignore a symptom.
I am not simply telling you to go to a shrink, talk about your problems and take some medication. But I am telling you that it's time for you to take some of the world off your shoulders, catch your breath and get a massage. And after that, divide that world up. Let others take care of pieces and have faith that the rest can take care of itself. And if you need a psychotherapist to help you navigate those waters, so be it.
All of this stress wears on all of us on both sides of the wheelchair. And even though misery might be understandable, it's still misery!
Dan (psychotherapist/blogger/friend)
Dear Trish,although I love that flip, sarcastic comedy part of you, it does keep the world at arms length.I really don't want you to have genuine concern about yourself, you have enough genuine concern in your life. What I'd love you to have more of in your life is compassion and (dare I say?) even love.I know there are very few people, if any, in your life who feel the kind of compassion and love for you that you need. But you do have a tender heart that cares deeply that can feel compassion and that can love in the face of great adversity. So all that good stuff is in there, it's a question of accessing it.Your thoughts are frightening and, who knows, maybe realistic. But your thoughts are about the future and the far future at that. And I certainly understand how you don't want to dwell in the middle of all of those nightmarish thoughts. I certainly don't love it when that happens to me.So I think you're on to something when you say you don't want to thank. I endorse that. Thinking is scary. But what I do want you to do (hold on here) is think about thinking. I know I might be sounding like Billy Crystal in "analyze this", but stick with me. Sounds like you suffer because you have too many responsibilities. But then you said you work this way in part to protect yourself from thinking. So what you are really afraid of are your thoughts. So if you can start just noticing your scary thoughts without getting all involved in nightmare scenarios, the intensity might diminish over time. Imagine living without being afraid of what goes on inside your head. Imagine living without being afraid of your emotions -- especially your fear. Yes, it's possible to be less afraid of your own fear.But it all begins when you stop thinking and start thinking about thinking. Trust me on that kiddo, because that could help. I think so anyway (oops)
Dear Trish,I know you are aware that I am writing another column about you Monday in the Philadelphia Inquirer and you will be joining me the following day at noon on my web chat (www.Phillynews.com/askdan but I wanted to give you a preview of what I will say.
You don't have to go into a tank or do anything that will deprive your senses. I want you to do the opposite -- I want you to experience your senses. When you race around like most of us do, always thinking about what needs to be done or what will happen if..., we usually don't experience our lives, just our thoughts. I recently opened a lecture by telling people that I missed breakfast that morning. I ate breakfast, but because I was thinking about the lecture and the rest of my day and my children and on and on, I didn't taste anything. I missed the flavor of the yogurt, the warmth of my coffee or the music in the background. Because of my thoughts I was missing my life.You cannot shut your thoughts down, you need big league medication (or meditation) for that. But if you are noticing your life rather than being absorbed inside of it, you will also notice that your thoughts are pulling you away from your experience.It's a funny thing about thoughts, we just assume they are the voice of truth, that they are some kind of reality. We have no idea what they are, but we do know that 95% of them are worthless. And yet you live inside of them allowing them to guide your life. Silly humans! Why do you think dogs are so happy and so many of us are miserable? Thoughts! We have tons of them, they don't (I don't think).
So, wanna change your mind? More details are in Monday's column, but you can start by dropping in every now and then and just notice how fast your mind is going, notice what emotions you might be feeling, notice how your body feels, the temperature in the room, the sounds and smells. Just a drop in a few times today. And when you are doing that, just noticing your mind and body, I want to know who you are at that moment. Are you the one who notices or are you a mind that is being observed?Is all that clear? If so, all you have to do is say "tanks" (sorry about that)
Trish there was a study done several years ago exploring whether toddlers had compassion. The experimenter was sitting at her desk in a room with a toddler. She would "accidentally" drop a pencil or paper on her desk and inevitably the child would pick it up and hand it to her. When she dropped it on purpose, the child ignored it. This experiment was repeated that many children with similar results. Compassion may arguably be inborn.
Ideally in families grown-ups can take care of themselves and can take care of their children. Ideally. For some reason you had to not only take care of your sister, but protect her from your parents. Of course, you could have also been wired for caretaking (any others in your family?).
So caretaking begins with kindness and compassion. Often, depending on one's situation, it turns into an identity which then becomes habitual. And like everything else, we do what we know how to do best because even when it is distressing, it's comfortable.
Like any other fixed identity that is neither completely true nor false, it becomes a habit that can be modified.
I know, I know -- how?
so let's revisit that 20 minutes of torture. Keep reading.
Don't ever try to corral your racing mind, it's impossible. Even the Buddha's little-known disciple Morty once said "when I am nuts, I am nuts." Of course, that could be why Morty is so little known but I do think he had a point.
All I want you to do for those 20 minutes is be in your life.
Close your eyes and take about two minutes just to find yourself in your body and did as comfortable as you can. Notice where you are uncomfortable and comfortable. Notice where you hold your tension, notice the temperature in the room and whatever emotions she might be feeling at this moment. But just notice.
And then focus your attention on your breath. Best you can feel your in breath and then notice the moment you begin to let it go. Notice how each breath is different.
And after you've done that for about 10 seconds, your mind will begin raising. That's okay, that's what minds do. But when you notice that your mind is racing, gently bring your mind back to your breath and began tracking it again.
In that moment you notice your mind is racing, you are building neural pathways in your brain. You are beginning to teach your brain how to let go of thoughts.
Take care
Dan,
Don’t feel so amazed about my 5 minutes. I can hardly control my racing mind for 5 seconds. What I meant to imply is that I can’t control my body for 5 minutes. Meaning I can’t even just sit in one place for 5 minutes trying to breathe because I feel compelled to get back to the tasks of the day. Do you ever have that feeling that you can’t go to sleep in a messy bedroom? Well I have this feeling that I can’t sit down for 5 minutes until nearly everything is done. I could never go to bed with dishes in the sink or a pile of laundry needing to be folded. It’s that feeling that makes me give up after 5 minutes. It seems like this breathing might take years of practice.
