Hello my friend it's nice to hear you even if it's in the context of all of this suffering. To be honest, when I read those responses from the other website I felt physically ill and kind of skimmed over the last couple. I can imagine what it was like for you. I am so sorry.When I was in rehab (back in the old days when they kept us for six or eight months) one of my exercises was sitting up on the exercise mat and taping a beach ball to another person. One day my wife was visiting and she was the other person. We began taping to each other and in about five minutes time we were slamming the ball at each other as hard as we could. The physical therapy staff was a little freaked out!
Neither she nor I had any idea about how much rage was building up inside of us and between us. She was enraged with me because I had broken our unspoken marital contract and had become crippled and needy in every sense of the word. I was enraged with her because despite all she was doing, she still wasn't giving me what I needed most -- relief from my suffering.
Added to that, we were having some problems in our marriage before my accident. Nothing catastrophic, but we were in counseling. And when the accident happened, everything small became big. Happens in every marriage.Of course you have to take care of yourself. And as someone who cares about you and your welfare, I hope that you are able to treat yourself and your body with compassion -- especially through this surgery.Your husband reaction may have come from intense anxiety and insecurity, but it was unloving.As impractical as this sounds, many of the problems you're dealing with our caretaker problems, I am guessing made worse underlying marital problems. So please consider going into counseling with your husband, I have a feeling you to have a lot to talk about.
Please please take care of yourself, you don't need permission to do so you just need compassion
Trish,
I sat here for a long time before I clicked "reply." And then it took me another half hour to write all of my psychobabble before I deleted it only to start again.
The reason it took me so long to begin this response (and it is still taking me a long time) is because I feel a bit helpless here. I want to go somewhere with you but I don't know where you want to go. If what you want is for in which you can feel safe to talk about your anger and the injustice of your life, I hope you have found it here. And if that is what you want, I certainly understand that, we have all been there.
I'm sorry it hurts so much, I'm sorry for this surgery, I'm sorry you are so damn alone in this process and most of all, I am sorry you suffer.
An old joke family therapists sometimes tell:a nine-year-old boy never spoke a word. His parents, frantic with worry, over the years took him to pediatricians, neurologists, psychologists and psychiatrists and no one was ever able to figure out the problem. So finally they just gave up. One night they were having dinner when all of a sudden the boy hollered: "damn it, this soup is hot!" Of course the mother were shocked and said "you can talk?""of course I can" said the son. "Nine years, why haven't you said anything" and asked the exasperated mother. "Up until now, everything's been fine."
Trish, you bring me my meals and I won't go to the grocery store. I'm not being hostile, I just have no need to do that, by the way, it's hard work that I would just as soon not do thank you. All of that is easy to say and hard to do. This is a man who is quite ill and dependent who has fathered your children and been your companion for many years. And because of that you will have great difficulty releasing your grasp of his care. I understand. But if we are able to do what frightens us, we are less enslaved. So perhaps your surgery will be minor and your recovery will be easy which will give you and your husband a chance to test the waters of a more balanced relationship. I sure hope so.After 19 years of marriage and 10 years postaccident, my wife left me. Although I was fairly independent and working full-time, I was terribly dependent on her for some physical things and many emotional things. Our marriage was falling apart, but she still felt like the only person in my life who really understood what I was going through. Add to that, she bought the food and was a wonderful cook. She helped me shop for clothes and took care of the mechanical problems like payment and bags and stuff like that. When she left I was so scared I couldn't take a deep breath. I didn't know how I would do food. I didn't know how I would do my life.
And then I went to the mall and bought a pair of shoes. And then I took my nurse to the grocery store with me. At first it all seemed so clumsy and unnatural. And now -- well, you know the rest. I feel independent and love my life.My wife did not release her grasp, she severed the marriage. I wonder what would've happened if she had released her grasp 10 years earlier.
Please take care of yourself. PleaseDan
Apropos of ratherbflyin's was remark about learning how to be a husband and how some men never get it.
Last year I did a radio show on asbergers and my guest was Stephen shore who is to asbergers what Christopher Reeve was/is to spinal cord injury. And he has a pretty severe case of the disorder so that his social skills are quite poor. And he is married. When I asked him how that is going, primarily for his wife, he said: "my wife has learned that if she wants to get through to me I need CCT." When I asked what it was, he explained: that's cranial concussive therapy. For me to get it, she has to hit me over the head with a 2 x 4! I don't understand things like the silent treatment or subtle gestures. I don't understand what it feels like to be like her or what she needs and she always has her 2 x 4 handy."
Now let's be clear, I'm not suggesting violence just clarity.
Trish, It breaks my heart to hear that your life is so difficult, your husband lacks empathy, and you beat yourself up. You are talented!
Guilt is about holding yourself accountable for something you've done. And if you've done something wrong, the cure is understanding who you've harmed, apologizing and making a personal commitment not to repeat the behavior.
But your guilt is about holding yourself accountable for something you haven't done. It's a kind of guilt that protects you from deep grief and extraordinary helplessness in the face of a loved one's suffering.
Every trauma in your life forced you to face loss and open up to it. Every one forced you to wrestle with helplessness, powerlessness and grief. Of course, your husband accident did all those things. Sadly, you are not done.
You will loose in your grasp in your time and you and your husband will both learned new behaviors. I can say that with confidence because that's what you do. That's what you've done.
That's why I don't worry about you, I feel for you/with you.
I hope your surgery goes well and I hope you have a good deal of care throughout the process. I hope that a lot
Dan
