Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

Hi Dr. Dan.  I am the "significant other" person in a relationship with a C5 quad 6 months post..

In the beginning, his son and mother were taking care of his affairs and I spent every day with him when I wasn't at work during the day and all day on Saturday and Sundays.  I continue to act as his caregiver and companion - he's in a nursing home right now but has been in about 5 different facilities in the past 6 months.  His son is a graduate student and doesn't have the time to take care of things and his mother is old and incompetent.  We (him and I) have decided that I will be the contact person to take care of everything as far as his care is concerned.  His mother has the "I'm his mother" thing going on and it's been very frustrating.  My question is in regards to finances.  I feel that he would trust me with the finances but I also feel that he doesn't want to hurt his Mom's feelings by taking that away from her.  It's very annoying to me to have to ask for a check when there's something that needs to be paid. We have just started this arrangement in the past few weeks and I'm already uncomfortable with the finances.  I have tried to look at the fact that maybe I'm being a control freak - but to me it just makes sense.  I'm with him everyday except the two days a week that she is there and I'm taking care of everything else except the finances.  I want to make sure things are taken care of, and it's also a point of him and I being together in this....I've already lost so much by losing him to this injury.  Long story short - we started dating in 2003, married in 2004, divorced in 2006 but have been seeing each other the entire time except for short periods here and there. In all regards except legally, I am his wife - but we use "significant other" instead of trying to explain....people get confused because our last name is the same but we're not husband/wife.  Anyways, would I be wrong to say that it's time for us to take care of everything together, including finances?

Peace214,

Welcome to the site. I’m sure that Dr. Dan can offer you some advice on the feelings between you, your significant other and his mother. The only advice I’ll offer is to be very careful when it comes to finances especially since you are not legally married.

The only way to really do this right and keep yourself out of possible issues with his family is to have a power of attorney executed. When my husband was first injured, I had a durable power of attorney to make all of his financial, legal, business, and medical decisions. At that point he was incapacitated. Once he was capable of making his own decision, that POA was revoked. Is your significant other incapable of making his own financial decisions? My thought is that if he is capable, then he should make his own decisions. He might need someone to run to the bank or ferry papers back and forth but be careful offering to manage his finances. Depending upon your relationship with his mother and his son, they could make legal noise and create real problems for you.

In our case my husband is a C3-C4 and can not execute his own signature. Because of this I now have a limited power of attorney. I can sign documents for him at his direction. I do not make the decisions. I only execute his signature at his direction. I think if he could make some sort of signature on his own this wouldn’t be needed at all. I have known quads at his level that could sign a perfectly good signature with a mouth stick. My husband has never mastered this so the limited POA works for him. Plus my husband really still manages the finances of our household. Most checks can be direct deposit and online banking allows nearly any competent adult to manage their own finances.

Just my own personal psychological babble, if he is capable, why take that away from him. He has already lost many things. If he can manage his own finances it will make him feel like hey this is something I can still do. Instead of fighting his mom and son which might cause you issues, help him learn to execute his signature again and take charge of his life. If is he incompetent then you are talking guardianship probably. Both POA or guardianship has to be done legally to protect both yourself and you sig other. Just some practical info on finances from my experience.

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

I have to say that was a good answer by Trish, I can only add that if he is ruled to be competent than it is really up to him --not his mother.  As trish said, I would see if he can write his signature or not. 

Thanks to both of you for responding!  He is fully competent but cannot move very much at all.  I fully agree that he needs to feel empowered to do whatever he can on his own and have been trying to get him to make his own phone calls to handle his affairs.  But physically writing out the checks or setting up online banking with a voice activated system for example - isn't something he can do yet. He's got a chronic pain situation going on so right now that's the #1 thing he's got to get taken care of.  There's so many variables to the situation as well....too much to go into  here.  I think the more confident he feels in himself, the more he will insist on taking over on his own.  I've come to the realization that I can't control everyone or everything and just have to let this play out naturally and not force anything.  Thanks again for your input!! 

Here sre two good basic articles on pain and spinal cord injury also below are some groups that assist in learning more about pain and pain management alternatives. 

http://www.spinalcord.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=41119

http://depts.washington.edu/rehab/sci/updates/01sum_pain_sci.html

http://www.paincare.org/

www.theacpa.org

http://www.painfoundation.org/

Dear peace,
let me join the others in welcoming you to this site.  I hope you find the understanding and compassion most have found. And I have to say the response you got from Trish was remarkably insightful informative, I agree everything she said.
I would like to add another thing for you to think about.  Six months post trauma is like yesterday in one's psyche.  Everyone in the system is still in a bit of shock and may not be thinking terribly clearly.  Especially in the system you describe -- there are turf wars, grief, control issues, perhaps great guilt and like the rest of us, the never-ending struggle to control what we can.
When in doubt do nothing.  And when you are done doing nothing, it might be a good idea to do nothing some more and see what happens.
In that process of doing nothing, hopefully you will be able to take a look inside and see what your fears are really about.  Your dreams are pretty clear, but the fears are not.  And too often we react to situations in order to avoid facing that fear.
Please listen to what Trish said and do whatever you can to help him manage his own money.  Ideally, it should not be done by you or his mother.  And, ideally he should be able to say how it gets handled and, if necessary, by whom.
Peace, I would also want you, during those quiet moments, to think about your life and what is right for you.  Think about what a loving mother or father would want for you.

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010