Reeve Foundation Paralysis Community

I am not sure how to go about finding someone for me and my children, mainly my daughter, to talk to. It doesn't seem like something I want to just pick out of the phone book.

When my daughter was 8 and my son 5 I had my accident. A month later her dad filed for divorce and she learned he didn't want me to come home to our house. I was hours away in the hospital and unreachable to the children. My son was distraught but not nearly so. Maybe it was his age then, maybe it is just the type of child he is.

 

Long story short I came home and fought like hell to have them with me and to get in my house. On the day I came home I had to butt bump up our deck steps and wait for the police to come and remove the padlock so I could get in. During all of this the kids were inside with their uncle and their dad sitting on the porch blocking my way.  Three years later we share custody 50/50. My daughter constantly asks to live with me but there is not much I can do about that right now. My son is happy wherever he is for the most part.

Both kids seemed to be well adjusted, excellent grades lots of friends and activities. I picked up after my accident and immediately began driving, going to their activities and trying to make their lives as normal as I could. I tried to show them that we would be fine and no matter how ugly and bitter the divorce was it wasn't their fault, etc. Things are still rough but I thought we had moved on.

So what is bringing this on? I am realizing that perhaps we just shoved everything under a rug and it is at the surface now ready to burst out. She is a cheerleader for the jr pro team here. A few weeks ago a boy got hit pretty hard and didn't get up. They said he couldn't move and the ambulance came. He is fine, he got lucky. However during this my daughter had a complete meltdown. She was screaming and crying and completely irrational. The worst part was there was no ramp for me to be able to get to her on the field. She kept telling people you have no idea what this means, you have no idea what is about to happen. I realized afterwards that while we picked right up and moved on she never really got to be angry or deal with her sadness about my accident. When I got home she always tried to be strong and would load my chair. She used to tell me she wished it was her. This on top of the divorce was so much for a little girl. I have noticed a lot of changes in her lately, I know a lot of this is her entering puberty. She is angry and stays in her room a lot. She tells me she hates her dad.

I don't mean to diminish my son's feelings because I know he has a lot of pain also but he has a completely different personality.

 

So I did all of this typing and I'm not sure why. I suppose I want to take them and me to the right person. I don't know how to find one.

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I just came back from yesterday.

I don't really have a good answer for you.  Short of asking people in your area for recommendations I'm not sure.   Perhaps your kids' pediatrician might have a recommednation.  Where I work we have this program called EAP (Employee Assistane Program).  It is sort of a hotline that provides referals for counseling, legal matters, childcare stuff like that.  Don't know if you might have anything similar to that; it might be an option.  Also, we could move this post over to the "On Healing" forum and see if Dr. Dan could give some suggestions.

 

Our kids were exactally the same age as yours when my husband was paralyzed.  It is a lot for kids to grow up with, and I'm sure that it changes them.  It sounds like you are doing a great job with them.  I hope that you are able to find the right person to help you through this.  

 

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

I agree. A good place to start is with your children's pediatrician. Psychologists who specialize in pediatric and/or adolescent issues should also be available through your closest large medical center that provides pediatric/adolescent mental health services, esp. if it is a teaching hospital. Your local Mental Health Association may also have a referral service. Another source of referrals may be your children's school counselors.

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Moderator

Part of the problem is that I live in such a small town. The only counselorhere that deals with kids she went to when I first got out of the hospital. I wasn't impressed. the other is the one I went to for marital counseling. He pulled out a Bible in our sessions (not that that is bad it just wasn't what I was looking for).

At school she sees the counselor from time to time. Here's the problem there. My ex mother in law is the psychologist for the school system. My daughter feels like anything she says, esp about her dad her grandmother will read.

I would like this moved so Dr Gotlieb can see. Maybe he will happen to know someone. I will look into the EAP.

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I just came back from yesterday.

So far all of the advice you have been given is sound. Talk to friends who have been in therapy, which might be the best way to find a good therapist,and look into your EAP. But there is more you can do. The American Association of marital and family therapy and see if one of their members is in your community. This doesn't say anything about their skills, just their qualifications to treat families. You could also do the same thing with your state psychological Association and the American Association of social workers.

So once you have found a therapist, how do you assess their skills? Ask them about their background with treating children especially children who have experienced trauma. I hope your whole family will be involved which will require another skill set. It's unreasonable to expect a potential therapist to spend 20 minutes on the telephone with you, but it is reasonable to expect them to spend some time and the answer a few questions. If that therapist feels knowledgeable and compassionate, go ahead and schedule an appointment. During that time, that therapist will be evaluating your family and hopefully you will be doing the same thing. No one can make up their mind in one session, but you will get a sense of whether they can hear you and whether you feel comfortable.

Please feel free to continue to post here as this develops because this kind of dialogue could be helpful for lots of people.

Take care

Dan

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010

I finally talked to my EAP. I was impressed with how helpful they were. They are sending a list of people. One list for me and one list for her. I will probably enroll my son also. I am entitled to 8 free sessions for each of us. Now for the hard part. Finding the right one.

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I just came back from yesterday.

I am so happy things seem to be working out for you in this regard.  Please remember what I said in the second paragraph of my previous post.  Essentially, you and the therapist are interviewing one another.  Make sure you feel comfortable and that you are with someone who understands or at least is willing to understand.  And then please feel free to check out their experience in working with problems like yours.  If they get defensive were put off by your question is, then you are with the wrong therapist.  A good therapist will understand your concerns and do their best to address them.  Take care

Dan

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010

Well so far I am batting zero. I have called about 8 people. 3 had full mailboxes. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad sign. Some didn't feel right. 2 worked out of home and thought I couldn't get in. The last one I called I told him the issues, that I was paralyzed in a car wreck and we had a divorce. He seemed okay. I made an appt and then asked him if the building was accessible. He sounded suprised and said Oh will you be coming in a wheelchair? Yes, What did he think paralyzed menat?

And you will not have help? Then he tried to explain to  me how I would open the doors since there is an entry hall with 2 doors. I am not really interested in educating someone else right now but I am running out of options. I feel like I need a counselor to counsel me about my experiences finding a counselor.

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I just came back from yesterday.

Oh gosh, what an ordeal.  I am so disillusioned with the health care system; both physical and mental health.  We get far and above better treatment from my vet’s office than we ever get with any of my husband’s “health care professionals”.  The vet himself actually calls me back the next day each time my golden gets his T4 drawn.  The staff actually seems to like animals and treats us all with kindness.  I guess my dogs and cat are the lucky ones.  Maybe the human system could learn something from the animal world.  I’m sure it is all about money.  Hardly anyone has vet insurance so you shop around until you find someone you are willing to give your money.  

 

It would seem to me that if you have to educate a counselor about the ins and outs of paralysis, then he wouldn’t be too helpful with some of the issues you might have.  I guess if you can get in the building you could give him a chance but I’m skeptical already.  Keep us posted.

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Trish

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain."

A counseling practice is a business like any other and subject to the ADA just like a store or concert hall. Reasonable accomodations are required. This may require the counselor or therapist to either modify their office OR see you in an accessible location. I know you don't want to have to educate them, but this is part of being your own best advocate as well. You might mention that you would rather work with them on this than to have to file a DOJ ADA violation complaint....

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Moderator

they were in the historic district........... which is like the entire area here. I don't mind advocating for accessiblilty or educating people but when I've just spent 20 minutes telling someone I was in a car accident that left me paralyzed I don't feel like educating them that yes I will be in a wheelchair when I arrive.

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I just came back from yesterday.

It does make you think that they aren;t very tuned into what you are saying.  Not exactly a good characteristic for a psychologist. 

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T 7-8 since 2005

ifonlysandwhatifs:

they were in the historic district........... which is like the entire area here. I don't mind advocating for accessiblilty or educating people but when I've just spent 20 minutes telling someone I was in a car accident that left me paralyzed I don't feel like educating them that yes I will be in a wheelchair when I arrive.

Historic buildings are exempt. One option would be to look for a therapist who has their office in a hospital office building. I live in an area where many towns have large historic areas. Most doctors and psychologist are in "medical buildings" that are accessible.

Does the school have a list of therapists in your region? Our schools do. They can't recommend anyone particular person but their list doesn't cover everyone in town.

About the full mailboxes, many folks especially therapists just took a 2 week break. Kids are on vacation so the therapists take one at the same time.

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Thank you,

Every day I wake up is a good one.
phf 59-08

Okay so let's go back to the beginning. You said you got a list of therapists, so please keep calling. I agree with one of the posts that said ultimately you will have to educate your therapist. Actually, that is the nature of psychotherapy. We all have to help our therapists understand who we are and how we experience our lives. But you have to be working with a therapist whose educable! You cannot work with one who is clueless anymore than you can work with one who assumes they know everything they need to know in order to help you. I also don't think a psychotherapist with a full mailbox is the kind of shrink I would want to see. At the very least, any outgoing message should give you a rough idea about when you will get a return call.

As far as wheelchair accessibility is concerned, if you find someone that is not accessible but wants to find a way to make accommodations, that's a good sign. But if someone is not accessible and feels obligated to find a way, that's a bad sign.

So please keep calling and please keep us posted. I am happy to give you feedback weekly until you feel as though you are connected with the right person.

Dan

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Dan Gottlieb Ph.D.
www.DrDanGottlieb.com
"wisdom of Sam: observations on life from an uncommon child"will be released April 2010

What a sorry situation it is that it's so difficult for you, or anyone, to find the right therapist. Especially for reasons so insane as having a full voice mail box. That is terrible. I had a 22 year therapy practice. My profession is called "the helping profession" but it seems that many of us no longer live by the reasons we went into this profession in the first place. The natural concerns you have should be in everyone's mind. For heaven's sake, you're putting your trust - about the most important issues in your life - into the hands of an 'expert' as well as a stranger.

Even though I have a spinal cord injury, I would still be saying these very same things.

I believe that you should be able to interview a therapist before making your decision. I would always grant 1/2 hour (free) interviews. I encouraged this. What I suggest you say to yourself - whether you find someone who will agree to you interviewing them first or not - is: 1. Am I acting like 'myself' around this person? 2. Am I intimidated? 3. Does this therapist seem to understand the kinds of things I am talking about? (I don't agree that you should be in the position of educating your therapist about SCI. Not unless you're paying him/her to teach them! - which of course I say tongue in cheek.) Also 4. How do I feel about myself when I'm with this person? Do I feel ashamed? Do I feel bad about myself? A good therapist should make you feel good about yourself, even though he/she may point out problem behaviors or problematic ways of thinking. 

Regarding the nuts and bolts of finding someone, I think word of mouth is your best bet. Many therapists pay to have themselves put on referral lists of the major organizations. Not all - but many. I wouldn't go in that direction. Ask anyone you know that you respect. And if they don't know directly, ask if they'd be kind enough to ask others on your behalf.

Saralee