Tonight was a difficult night for me. I just returned from visiting a friend who is very sick and in the hospital. My friend Bill (aka my "Fishing Buddy" Bill) has stage four prostate cancer that has metastasized to different parts of his body. There is cancer in his stomach, his skull and the swelling of lymph nodes suggest "the cancer cells are coming!" to more precious organs. The wearied doctor might say it's only a matter of time now there's nothing more we can do...
i watched tonight as the well patienced nurse went about her nightly duties- drawing another vile of blood, checking Bill's menses?...can a 61 year old man ovulate? what ever the term, i asked and it meant basic life signs and mental clarity.
as sometimes happens in hospitals i began to relax and feel at home. an ICU unit is a place my body has been. it is a place through my work my mind knows.
as the nurse straightened Bill's arm to keep the IV machine from beeping and labeled each tube with the surgical tape my own skin began to crawl and itch with each desperate attempt at a scratch...
i was relieved when the nurse offered lotion to sooth away the burn. i knew the aloe isn't the medicinal cure promised. it's simply the attention to the need that cures.
later, as bill struggled to free himself from bondage...i remembered that too...what it feels like to have a will to freedom but no boat to carry it (sorry for the bad metaphor).
my spiritual strength was called upon and thankfully i could rest here. sorry this is so jumpy but watching bill's physical struggle my mind came to one conclusion. there is no bill here. is he the body i see before me? no. is he the mind of wandering thoughts i can no longer follow? no. where is Bill in these moments? he's simply in me.
