I have a friend who has been struggling with her marriage for over a year now. She has become afraid of her husband and he has verbally threatened her with death as well as put his hands on her. I do not believe the physical part of it has left her with much if any evidence but the scarey part is definetly his threats. They have done counseling and the marriage is beyond repair, she has filed for divorce. He was suppose to get served with papers this week when she was out of town with her mother and her two young children (ages 4 & 2). But he found a call on her cell phone on Friday and flipped out on her. He called the number back and it was for her lawyer's office. He asked her what it was for and she told him the truth. In front of the children he got on top of her and restrained her on their bed (which is where she was sitting when she was reading a book to the children). He also reached into his bedside table for his gun. Luckily God gave her enough perserverance to remove the gun previously because she had been afraid of him and considered what he might do with the gun due to his threats.
At one point she did call 911, but he took the phone from her. She was able to talk him into getting into the car with her and go to her parents' house to talk. He didn't want to leave until after they talk but she insisted! Another smart move on her part because she probably wouldn't have made it out of the house otherwise. Well, the four of them got in the car and left and on the way to her parents' (a 5 minute drive) she saw a cop and pulled over and shouted for help and said that he told her he was going to kill her. The cop was aware of the 911 call that was already placed and he asked her if she was the one who called. He was arrested (even though she didn't have any physical signs of abuse) for domestic violence. She promptly left early on the trip with her mom and is expected to return next week. Her mother in law bailed her husband out on Friday, he was arraigned on Monday and pretrial was today (not sure of the outcome yet). She already has a restraining order that her lawyer filed for her on Friday before she left the state. But we all know if he wants to get to her a piece of paper will not stop him.
I would like some advice on how to help her for when she returns. I know she is going to be afraid. We've already come up with a code word. I will call or text her every day at the same time and ask her the same question. If I get a certain reply I know she is ok, if she gives me the other I know she is in danger. I told her to work on a list of ER phone numbers for me and for whomever she wants to have them. I also suggested she have an emergency plan in place. Maybe a bag packed or something that if she had to leave suddenly she would have a "safe place" to go in that situation. We also talked about taking a self defense class together. I also said she probably shouldn't go anywhere alone for a long time. I'm thinking not even the store because he was stalking her when they were married, so who knows what he will do now. I also told her we should probably contact the domestic violence program here in our town to get more info and suggestions. But for now, I was hoping to get some other great ideas from all of you. Perhaps some have been in a situation and would know what works and what doesn't. I thank you for all of your advice up front and please pray for my friend, we'll call her "Maria".
Off the top of my head, I would suggest that she get a restraining order/protective order against him. Perhaps the people at the domestic violence center can help her with that. You might check out this link for more suggestions.
www.ndvh.org/help/index.html
I am curious, as to where you friend will be staying when she returns. If she is going to be staying in the place where they lived while married, I would suggest several things. Neighbors should be made aware that he is not supposed to be on the premise and asked to call the police should they see him. She should have a bag packed and somewhere besides her house. This way she can jump in the car and leave. She does not even have to worry about getting the bag because she can pick it up later. She should NOT attempt to talk to her husband should he shows up--immediately call the police. If your friend works outside the home, she should also make at least a couple of her co-workers aware of the situation. They should know to call 911 immediately if they so much as see him in the parking lot.
Just three days ago a man walked into a salon just 4 blocks from my house. His estranged wife worked there as a stylist. He fought with her, shot her 5 times and then killed himself. She had this kind of plan in place with her co-workers and since 911 was called as soon as they saw her husband, the EMT's got there in time to possibly save the womans life. She is still in the hospital, but he didnt succeed in killing her outright as was his plan.
OK back to your friend. She sounds like she has a very good plan started already. I wish her the best.
ks60:You are a good friend. Can you offer her shelter if she needs to escape? At the very least, hold her emergency supplies at your home. If he finds them at her home, he could retaliate and hurt her. This situation is so frightening, and I'll pray for her.
Thank you. I will do anything I possibly can for her. She is more than welcome to stay with us if she needs to but she will be staying with her parents when she comes home from being out of state. I don't think she would stay here though since her husband knows where we live. In fact we live in between her house and her parents house so this would be a place her hubby would go by all the time and probably wouldn't be any safer for her. I could keep some supplies here for her and the kids, that would be a great idea incase she has to leave her parents' house in a hurry.
still_faithful: I am curious, as to where you friend will be staying when she returns. If she is going to be staying in the place where they lived while married, I would suggest several things. Neighbors should be made aware that he is not supposed to be on the premise and asked to call the police should they see him. She should have a bag packed and somewhere besides her house. This way she can jump in the car and leave. She does not even have to worry about getting the bag because she can pick it up later. She should NOT attempt to talk to her husband should he shows up--immediately call the police. If your friend works outside the home, she should also make at least a couple of her co-workers aware of the situation. They should know to call 911 immediately if they so much as see him in the parking lot. Just three days ago a man walked into a salon just 4 blocks from my house. His estranged wife worked there as a stylist. He fought with her, shot her 5 times and then killed himself. She had this kind of plan in place with her co-workers and since 911 was called as soon as they saw her husband, the EMT's got there in time to possibly save the womans life. She is still in the hospital, but he didnt succeed in killing her outright as was his plan. OK back to your friend. She sounds like she has a very good plan started already. I wish her the best.
Wow, what a story about the lady in your town. I pray that type of situation doesn't happen to my friend, but you just never know. Well, my friend isn't going to be staying in the family home, she will be staying with her parents and does not want to return to the home to live (just to get her things). She does work outside of her home but her job leaves her summers off so she has a few months so she doesn't have to worry about that type of thing. I do know she called her one neighbor just to check on him and the house. She told them if anything seemed unusual to call the police. She obviously doesn't want him to hurt himself, as well as the house and such. Hopefully things will turn out ok. He pleaded no contest to domestic violence in court yesterday and was found guilty and got 30 days in jail (suspended sentence), 2 years probation, and he has been ordered to seek mental help, as well as maintain the restraining order at this time.
Libra28: Wow, what a story about the lady in your town. I pray that type of situation doesn't happen to my friend, but you just never know. Well, my friend isn't going to be staying in the family home, she will be staying with her parents and does not want to return to the home to live (just to get her things). She does work outside of her home but her job leaves her summers off so she has a few months so she doesn't have to worry about that type of thing. I do know she called her one neighbor just to check on him and the house. She told them if anything seemed unusual to call the police. She obviously doesn't want him to hurt himself, as well as the house and such. Hopefully things will turn out ok. He pleaded no contest to domestic violence in court yesterday and was found guilty and got 30 days in jail (suspended sentence), 2 years probation, and he has been ordered to seek mental help, as well as maintain the restraining order at this time.
With the order of protection in place she cannot go if he is home so someone will have to help her make arrangements as well. Not sure about the specifics of the order, but in my state if she contacts him then it can be twisted by the husband that he 'thought she was allowing contact' again. Can jeopardize the whole order of protection. She should be able to get an officer to go with her to get what she needs from the house. Not trying to be negative, but honestly I have been in her situation and you really have to be careful. Even the most simple gesture can be taken by the aggressor as an invitation. What about the kids? I know my order of protection automatically included our son. I was not scared for his safety --just mine --but again, in my state it covers both.
Another thing, if her husband makes any threats or breaches the restraining order, your friend needs to not only report it to the authorities, but also keep a log of everything that happened. What was said/done. Who witnessed it. Date and Time. Who it was reported to. Any other details that she thinks are important. If this guy is really unstable, it is essential that you friend take every step possible to make sure he understands that she will not tolerate his behavior and she will do whatever it takes to keep herself and her family safe. If he thinks for one minute that he can get by with something, he will try it.
There is so much more, but I will stop for now. I would be more than willing to share more with either you or her if you think it would help. I will also keep praying over the situation.
A
Stillfaith,
I think it would be not only beneficial to me and my friend, but to others who MIGHT read this and need some advice, so please share away!!
My friend has her first divorce hearing in a couple of weeks, so I think she will be fine until then regarding her things that are still left in the home. She took some things, whatever she could and is expecting at this first hearing to be able to find out when she can get the rest of her things. I know she has no plans on just going there or even going there later by herself after she gets permission to get her things. She wants to play this all by the book! I don't believe she would give him the wrong impression because she is aware of his mental status and of course he would misconstrue anything. I did remind her to keep a log of everything, if she hasn't already. I also told her to keep a calendar of her appointments and such so her family can know where she is and when she might be expected back. I told her too, that she shouldn't go anywhere by herself. He was stalking her when they were married so I'm sure he will try to do something like that now. And if he does and she catches him then it will break the restraining order. I'm sure she will have not problem reporting that!
I don't know where your friend lives and how big or small the town is, but in my PERSONAL experience, with a protective order against a spouse, the best defense is having a couple of officers that personally have a copy of your protective order, and know what's going on that will keep an extra close eye on things (like driving by your home a few times a day or looking for his vehicle.)
Also, the police officers in the county seat where I live all have work cell numbers. I had a cop or two that were always on shift that I had the direct cell number for. Tell her to always keep the phone in her hands and be ready to call.
Changing the locks is absolutely necessary, and some pepper spray and an emergency evacuation plan are great too. Windows MUST stay locked. Those are hard to hear, but breaking down a door or through a window is easy to hear.If she has a trustworthy, honorable brother or uncle, this would be a good time to ask them to come stay for a few weeks.
I slept with my kids in my room with me and put a lock on that door as well.
Best wishes, Mamma
She needs police escort when she returns to the home to collect her things..The police are there to do that its part of their job ..(keeping the peace)..
UTILIZE domestic abuse county assistance..They counsel and advise..they know what they are doing..its right there in the phonebook..Its the local domestic abuse hotline..
Other than that?...We have to pray her husband will not opt to find a way to do her harm..Becasue if that is his mission? He will find a way..
If she is staying at her parents they have to be concerned for thier safety too..So common sense rules of securtiy of course...Doors and windows locked(day and night even if you are home)..Outside lights on in the night..a phone in very close distance while sleeping ...and program 911 in a cell phone as #1 call...If the children are in daycare or school?..Let the care workers know the situation ...
(((HUGS)))
Love
Dallas
mamma again: I don't know where your friend lives and how big or small the town is, but in my PERSONAL experience, with a protective order against a spouse, the best defense is having a couple of officers that personally have a copy of your protective order, and know what's going on that will keep an extra close eye on things (like driving by your home a few times a day or looking for his vehicle.) Also, the police officers in the county seat where I live all have work cell numbers. I had a cop or two that were always on shift that I had the direct cell number for. Tell her to always keep the phone in her hands and be ready to call. Changing the locks is absolutely necessary, and some pepper spray and an emergency evacuation plan are great too. Windows MUST stay locked. Those are hard to hear, but breaking down a door or through a window is easy to hear.If she has a trustworthy, honorable brother or uncle, this would be a good time to ask them to come stay for a few weeks. I slept with my kids in my room with me and put a lock on that door as well. Best wishes, Mamma
Sorry ladies, I had been on vacation. That was really hard b/c I hated leaving my friend, especially when we had been spending so much time together. I think that made her feel safer and relieved. Plus, she had a court thing that I missed and she had to take her mom. She said she feels nervous taking her mom with her. But I went to another hearing with her this week after I got back.
Well, let me try to answer some of these replies...
That's a good idea that she gives the police a copy of her order. We're not a small town or anything but she does always have her order with her and I believe she gave her mom a copy of it too since she does live there and her mom watches the kids when she works (she's a teacher so she's off till September).
She doesn't have to change the locks because she doesn't reside in her home anymore, he does. She has just found an apartment that she will probably move into next month. The living with her parents thing was just temporary, but she will be living 2 blocks from them and still in my neighborhood as well. Good idea about keeping the windows locked, but I'm not sure her apartment has a/c. That will be a hard one!!! But hopefully he won't know where she lives for quite awhile. Hopefully long enough for him to have gotten some help and be more level headed.
