For those who knew about the harassment thing going on with the boss...it's gotten better! However, I've found myself in a rutt:
Where I work, we've got several locations all over the USA...and more times than not, we have to call the customer service representatives for problems at those other locations. At one particular location, I almost daily talk to one of the representatives for help on many things - i mainly talk to him, since he knows a lot about what to do in situations...I'll call him "Paul". Paul is a super-nice guy over the phone, he's always really helpful. Well, about 2 or so weeks ago, we started to sort of casually flirt over the phone...and we exchanged emails...and sent pictures back and forth. He'd mentioned a few times that he's glad we've become friends, and that we're able to help each other thru work-related problems. Within the last week, Paul has been saying that he's going to come "out here" on his vacation, next week, just to see me. He's interested in THAT, and has gone darned close into detail in his emails (outside of work)!!! I'm typically a really nice person - - i don't like hurting peoples' feelings, and definitely don't like leading people on....I feel like this whole thing has escalated into something completely different than what I wanted it to be...I guess what I'm asking is, how do I, in a nice way, tell this guy I'm not interested in him that way?? Besides which, he's 20 years older than I am. He's 50-sum years old! I'm feeling horrible, because I know some of you will look at this situation, and blame it all on me, and make it sound like he's not stepping across the line. He told me last night in his instant message, that he's going to be buying his plane ticket to come out here the week after 4th of July...and the closer it gets, I'm trying to find every way possible to come up with some drastic lie, so that he won't come out here! How do I stop what has begun? Advice please!!!! Thanks.
I'm not judging you. Here's what I'm thinking....
I'd let him know that you enjoy flirting with him on-line and over the phone, but never thought that anything would progress past that. Let him know that while you are flattered with his interest and desire to come meet you, you are not looking for a deeper relationship with him beyond what you currently have been doing.
From what you have stated discretely in your post, it sounds like you two have gone beyond casual flirting and have crossed into more passionate expressions. If he comes to see you, my bet is that he will be expecting some physical intimacy with you. In my opinion, it's time to stand strong and let him know that you are not comfortable with having him visit you and that you are not interested in physical intimacy with him. (I'm making an assumption there.) You've been playing with fire. Satan is tempting you and you are now in a trap...Satan's trap.
You do not have to make him feel ok. It's time to protect yourself from committing more sexual sin and possibly physical danger. He actually is a stranger to you. You don't know that if you told him to stop that he would. There is no context other than work that you know him.
To me this situation has red flags everywhere. I do tend to be cautious though....but life circumstances have taught me to be that way when it comes to male/female interactions without the protection of personal contexts.
There's my 2 cents worth.
I'm trying to find every way possible to come up with some drastic lie, so that he won't come out here!
Just tell the truth. To do that would only open of the door and allow satan a presence in your life that you do not want. How is Paul to know that you are not interested in him if all he has to go on is the past "casually flirt over the phone...and we exchanged emails...and sent pictures back and forth"? This would lead most folks to believe there was something there worth pursuing. Explain exactly as you have above--you are a really nice guy, but I am afraid that I am not interested in anything more. If he really is a man of character, he will not go where he is not welcome.
well here's the thing....i guess i wouldn't mind so much to "see where this might could go"...but he's definitely rushing it, BIGTIME! we've only been talking over the phone for 2 weeks, if that...
i'll be talking with him today at work, i'm sure...so i'll just be frank and tell him that i don't think he should come out here - - it does make me feel very uncomfortable...especially since he mentioned having sex, and that's something i'm NOT interested in!!!! he's gone the lengths of asking whether i shave/or not (down there) - - that's just drawing the line for me!
i'll keep ya updated after todays talk i guess...
Ummm. Forgive me if I'm sticking my nose someplace where it doesn't belong, but...is this guy a Christian? A growing in his faith, follower of Jesus Christ? Have you discussed issues of faith with him? That is SO important. If Jesus is an important part of your life - and I hope He is - any man that you *might* become interested in needs to share that love of Christ.
Have you ever heard of Neil Clark Warren? He founded eharmony.com (matching service) and also wrote a book about developing a list of "must haves, can't stands" *before* you meet someone. You know, a list of the nonnegotiable things that you are looking for in a relationship. If you do it before you meet someone, then it's easier to cold bloodedly check a potential "interest" against the things that are important to you before the emotional relationship kicks in. I did that when I was a teenager - long before I'd heard of NCW - it kept me out of a lot of unhealthy relationships. Something that might be helpful for you, even now that you've met this guy...
Holten:Oh geez... I have to apologize. I thought I was in the Marriage Forum, not the Women's Forum. I didn't intend to intrude.
No problem, I've done the same many times. Opened this forum thinking it was the marriage forum. It happens.
Truthfully: I haven't talked to him in a few days...and I've wanted to keep it that way...he called my office today, and gave me his personal number outside of work. Yes, I called him...and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him coming out here...but his reaction went something like this, "no, no...you're just nervous...i'm still coming out to see you! you should be happy!" - i'm thinking, no, i'm not happy...i'm worried now! Apparently, I am not the only female he has told this to, within the company...I had to help out another c.s. person, that sits 3 desks down from him - he told me "he's like an old pedophile! he's always flirting over the phone with the women in the company, and some he tells how he's going to visit on his vacation...i'd watch out for him if i were you!" that's just what i'm doing...i'm most likely going to ring him later this evening, and let him know that i'm seriously uncomfortable about seeing him...he's mentioned about "us" getting a hotel room, and how "perfect" we sound for each other....i guess my niceness over the phone turned into something icky - kinda like that commercial for online postings ("hey sarah, what color underwear r u wearing...hey sarah, when are you going to post something again...") - have you seen that commercial yet?
when i say that we've been flirting casually over the phone...i guess i should honestly say that i'm just a really nice person - - all my other co-workers say the same thing, i'm just overly nice. in the past, before i moved up here, i used to be extremely nice to my ex-bf's friends...and alot of the guys took it for being flirtatious...maybe i should stop being nice i guess...what do you all think...
oh...and to answer the question of whether he's christian or not...i talk about god all the time...i don't care who i offend (well, to a certain point)...so, yeah, i've talked about god to him, but he hasn't responded much...but i'm ending it here...i don't want this going on any further...he's starting to talk about us moving in together, after he comes to see me, and winning the lottery, and us blah-blah-blah....
thanks for listening.
The guy sounds like a jerk who is after one thing from a woman. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Ugh. Run from that guy. It sounds like he's nothing but trouble.
You can be *nice* to a person without flirting - without the teasing type of conversation that typifies flirting, kwim? I mean - I am married. I am *nice* to men other than my dh, but they *all* know that it's a distant, impersonal type of nice.
Thing is - if a guy is a growing Christ follower, you will hear him talk about his faith. You shouldn't have to pry it out of him. After all, when you are excited about someone/something, you're going to talk happily about that. I love my dh and I often mention him/our life together to people I encounter in daily life. That's how it should be with Christ - even more so. So if you have to *ask* any guy what he thinks about God (after a conversation or so), that might be a red flag to you right there.
Hi....
A man not listening to you and your feelings and then telling you what you should be feeling is really a bad sign. I'm going to share a personal experience when that happened with me and the outcome. By sharing this with you, I'm not saying that this is what is going to happen with your situation, but it is a possibility....
I was a "nice" to everyone girl too. I had a hard time "hurting" other's feelings. I sacrificed my own feelings for the feelings of others. I was also niave and sincerely thought that any person that I met in my life were all going to treat me with respect and respect my "no's" when I gave them...which was sparingly. I have learned that those choices and those inter-personal approaches are dangerous and the only people that I allow into my inner circle of trust are those I have known a while, have grown in context (see them in a natural environment with my family/friends and/or their family/friends) to see their authentic selves).
My story....
When I was single, probably around the same age as you are now given the age difference between you and him, I really wanted to be in a relationship. I met a man through the internet in my city. We talked on the phone several times and he seemed very nice and gentlemanly. He asked for a date and I said ok. The day of the date, I had a horrible pit in my stomach and just felt that I shouldn't go out with him. The intesity of that gut-feeling grew as the time drew nearer and nearer. I called him and let him know that I just wasn't comfortable and that I was going to cancel the date. He sounded disappointed and said that he had all ready bought me flowers...what was he going to do with them, etc. I didn't want to "hurt his feelings" and so I conceded to going on the date with him. Long story short with gory details eliminated, he insisted on a kiss which I didn't want to do and he ended up taking it from there and raping me. Yes, a 30 year old woman raped. I had to fight to leave and ended up praying that Christ would speak through me to the evil that was influencing him to harm me and commended him to let me go. He did. If Christ hadn't protected me at that time I am convinced the outcome would have been very different.
This man is not hiding his agenda with you. He wants to be intimate with you. He is refusing to listen to your "no". Please don't let your desire to be in a relationship take you to a place that is spiritually dangerous for you and potentially physically/emotionally dangerous for you as well.
There is a time to hurt a person's feelings and it's okay. He's not thinking of your feelings right now and seems to be more than willing to make you uncomfortable. You haven't even met face-to-face yet and he is all ready disrespecting your person. It won't get better even if he doesn't end up physically harming you.
God has made you his princess. He is your main man until he brings the right person into your life. You will know it when it is the right person. I know that sounds cliche....I always thought it was cliche until God brought my husband into my life. I knew the night I met him and the knowledge of that hasn't left since.
Hold true to God's path. Tell this guy to step-off, and take care of yourself. Protect yourself.
I think that the very fact that you are so concerned that you're sharing here on Family Life is an indicator that you all ready know what to do. You've all ready followed your heart and mind and told him that you don't want him to come.
He ignored you. He told you what you should think and feel. He is playing your niceness to exploit you and your body.
I know this message is fairly direct. I'm saying these things because even though I don't know you personally, I don't want what happened to me to happen to you. I want you to be saved from the evil trappings of Satan. I used to think that I'd be able to tell if someone was going to hurt me....including strangers. I was wrong. Rapists and abusers come across as sweet, sincere people, but they don't listen--they manipulate and take.
Satan is powerful and deceitful. If this man isn't walking with the Lord, which it sounds like he isn't, Satan can use him for his purposes. Satan's purpose is to destroy the faith of those walking with the Lord and deceive those who aren't walking with God yet.
Trust me, the ramifications of evil harming you does a very powerful number on your relationship with the Lord and can take a while to get over. It effects your future relationships and the way you view the world after you've experienced it.
If you enjoy being nice to people, trusting people, laughing without care, and seeing people with innocent eyes, you need to protect yourself and make sure that the person you are going to date respects you, will wait for you to feel comfortable, and will take your "no" as "no" in small things as well as larger things.
Bottom line...you need to take care of you. He'll get over it.
