Hi all! This is a subject that has affected our family deeply. I just wanted to comment on an often heard sentiment heard on this broadcast and broadcasts like it. A lot has been said about how the woman is to respond in a man caught in this struggle. And I am not here to say that we should not be merciful and gracious. However, I would like to bring light to the fact that in some cases this may be impossible for the wife.
I know, because I was not in a place to be so mature. I had been sexually abused as a girl and then I grew into a woman that believed the lie that was perpetrated on me since I was 9 years old...I had no worth except what I could give sexually to a man. The only time I was worth anything was if I caught his attention and not with my virtues, but with the outside. It is a lie from the pit of hell. It is a lie our society tells men and women every day through commercials, shows, magazines...you name it. All of us have fallen for it to one degree or another. Anyways, so that lie was hardwired into me as a young girl. When I came to know Christ, I so desperately wanted to believe what He said about me. And I tried, really tried. (Husbands in this battle you can be your wife's biggest ally or unfortunately Satan's biggest ally to keep the lie alive) In my situation, not maliciously, not intentionally, but b/c of his own baggage, my husband was an ally to the enemy of my soul. When I discovered him on the internet looking at pornography I was devestated and I believed God was a liar. If what He said about me was true, then why was my husband on the internet. The enemy grabbed that foothold to assure me that all along I was worthless, worth nothing except what I could give a man physically. Well, one baby later and pregnant with another on the way, that was nothing in my book. I wanted to die, to go home to heaven where One would finally love me for real....the real me for all the right reasons. Praise God I was with child and didn't entertain that notion too long or seriously. I share this, though, because as much as I would have liked to be the "bigger" person and model Christ's mercy I was incapable. The news rendered me almost destroyed; fighting my own demons from the past. Sometimes the best you can do is press into God and pray and hope he does the same. That is what I had to do.
It has been almost 6 years since then. I would love to tell you that it is all behind us and we are doing glorious, but I cannot. I can say we are working towards that. We are committed, my husband is no longer entangled in pornography. But rewiring your hard drive takes time and lots of effort. We both had a lot of faulty wiring coming into our marriage. And our wiring created a vicious cycle of hurt. I wish we could get a new hard drive over night. But renewing the mind takes time...sowing the seed of God's word takes patience: Galatians 6:9 says "let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." So, I am waiting and believing that in due season we will have a harvest....and new hard drives! :)
