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Help with 14yo son and porn

Last post 06-30-2008, 10:08 AM by PearsandGrapes. 5 replies.
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  •  06-25-2008, 11:02 AM 11084

    Help with 14yo son and porn

    My 14yo has repeatedly been on porn sites on the computer for at least 2 years. Although my husband doesn't approve or allow this behavior, he doesn't think it's quite the same big deal as I do. He has confronted him more than once on the issue, but I'm not sure what he says. He's a cop and has a cop mentality, meaning it could be a lot worse, and it's normal behavior.

    I have locked him out of the internet, and more recently off the computer as a whole. I get to where I think we're past this, loosen my grip, and discover he's been at it again. Dad's out of town right now. I had son locked off the computer the first week. I told him he couldn't get on because I couldn't trust him. I have never actually confronted him on the porn. It's kind of a dad thing, not my place. Anyway, the computer was left unlocked today without me realizing it and I came home and there it was again. He'd been to at least 9 sites.

    I know I will be locking the computer again but I am looking for advice. I have a 19yo daughter who knows he has been to sites and finds it absolutely gross, she doesn't know how bad these sites are. I also have a 12yo son who, to my knowledge, doesn't know anything about it.

     

  •  06-25-2008, 11:12 AM 11085 in reply to 11084

    Re: Help with 14yo son and porn

    3lilkids:

    My 14yo has repeatedly been on porn sites on the computer for at least 2 years. Although my husband doesn't approve or allow this behavior, he doesn't think it's quite the same big deal as I do. He has confronted him more than once on the issue, but I'm not sure what he says. He's a cop and has a cop mentality, meaning it could be a lot worse, and it's normal behavior.

    I have locked him out of the internet, and more recently off the computer as a whole. I get to where I think we're past this, loosen my grip, and discover he's been at it again. Dad's out of town right now. I had son locked off the computer the first week. I told him he couldn't get on because I couldn't trust him. I have never actually confronted him on the porn. It's kind of a dad thing, not my place. Anyway, the computer was left unlocked today without me realizing it and I came home and there it was again. He'd been to at least 9 sites.

    I know I will be locking the computer again but I am looking for advice. I have a 19yo daughter who knows he has been to sites and finds it absolutely gross, she doesn't know how bad these sites are. I also have a 12yo son who, to my knowledge, doesn't know anything about it.

     

     

    I am just so sorry that this is going on. May I ask why you feel confronting him is not your place? 

    I wouldn't hesitate to confront him...and I don't mean screaming and yelling at him, but let him know that you know and talk to, and listen to him.  I am sorry your dh doesn't seem to be taking this as seriously as it should be.  Do you feel comfortable setting up counseling/accountability with him and the youth pastor at your church?  I think what he needs to know is that there are many who struggle with this vise, he is not alone and this is not too big for God to forgive and give him freedom from.

    ((())) my heart goes out to you...this must be very heartbreaking for you. 


    2 Timothy 2:15
    Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
  •  06-25-2008, 2:25 PM 11157 in reply to 11084

    Re: Help with 14yo son and porn

    I suspect that your 14yo probably found out about these sites at school, which doesn't excuse him for accessing them repeatedly, but I know it's not uncommon.

    Let me just say that my husband has a porn issue, which he is apparently overcoming through God's help.  This past year, we have had an issue with our 16yo accessing sexually explicit fan-story websites, and then our 11yo (11 year old!!) accessing suggestive games on another websites.  The games involve the game player 'taking photographs' of women's underwear/cleavage and another of a peeping tom watching a woman in a shower.  My flesh creeps even thinking abotu this stuff.

    Because of his own struggle, my husband was willing to take on the task of talking to our boys, and I felt it was appropriate because it's a man talking to a boy on his own level, in a manly way, and giving manly examples of why he should not be doing this.  But if my husband was not available, I would have been willing to do it and y'know, giving them the perspective of a future wife or girlfriend is also definitely an angle to approach this from.

    I am afraid that your h's casual attitude might not be enough to dissuade your son from looking at porn.  Perhaps your husband might be helped by doing some research of his own into the damage that porn can do to a growing boy's psyche, and how it can damage his future marriage and sexual relationship with his wife.  I can tell you now - although it will probably take for your husband to read some statistics to persuade him - that my husband's use of porn at 15 years of age, still impacts him now at age 39.  It has done huge amounts of damage to our marriage, and our sex life - which is near non-existent.  You don't want this to happen to your boys!!

    For now, if I was you, I would put some safety net on your computer.  Even if you give your teenagers a log in (and change the password on your log in) that is PG rated, so that they cannot access porn, this at least would keep them from accessing porn in the short term.  In the long term, what is needed is a genuine heart change, and an understanding of the bigger issue at stake. 

    I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.  It really stinks. 


    For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself (Gal 5:14)
  •  06-28-2008, 11:44 PM 11642 in reply to 11084

    Re: Help with 14yo son and porn

    I also sympathize (or is it empathize? i forget the proper word) with your situation. I am a cop as well, and I'm not sure how a "cop mentality" applies to your husband's attitude. This situation is very serious as you well know. Porn (especially long-term exposure) will POISON the mind and soul. I was exposed to it at a very young age (I am now 34 yrs old) and it has had some long term devastating effects on me and my marriage/family.  Now I understand why prohibition against sexual sin is so pervasive throughout the Bible. I would suggest getting rid of your computer, or locking it away somewhere. If you are not willing to do that, I believe there is software out there that will not allow porn sites to be dowloaded to your computer. May God bless and heal your family.
  •  06-30-2008, 8:53 AM 11727 in reply to 11084

    Re: Help with 14yo son and porn

    You know, it might be kind of a radical move, but have you considered calling your son into the room with the computer (without the other kids around) and reviewing what he's been viewing?

    Yeah, I know; you really don't want to see it, either, and while I would normally agree this is kind of a "Dad thing", this is one situation where Mom might have a bit more impact.

    Let me explain; at 14 years old, the typical young man is rather impressionable and more than a bit insecure about sexual things.  He's getting most of his information (more accurately, misinformation) from his peers and the internet, and the odds are, the thoughts of his parents in any kind of sexual mentality - particularly his mother - is almost too much to handle.

    So Mom calls him to the computer and tells him to sit down, then brings up the screen with some of the porn.  She doesn't go ballistic, which is what he is going to expect, but rather, in a frank and candid manner, discusses far more openly than he is comfortable with, what she sees in these images.

    Most porn is about as realistic as a superhero movie, and for most teenaged boys, the very thought of Mom addressing the phoniness of what she is seeing is darn near too much to handle.  Imagine, too, Mom very calmly saying something like, "I can't believe you'd really want to masturbate to something like this," as though it were the most normal thing in the world for Mom to talk about to her son.  "I mean, look at her, dear.  Her acting is so fake it's barely believable.  She can't keep her eyes off the camera, and if I made noises like that when your father and I were having sex, you kids would never get any sleep!"

    It's a radical move, I know, and it requires exposing yourself to some stuff you find disgusting.  It might be worth considering, though, since so far your efforts aren't getting through to him.  At the same time, you might lead the conversation over to some web sites where they address some of the problems of porn addiction, including men who would rather sit at the computer and masturbate than have real sex with a real woman.  When a guy has become so numbed by the intensity of a fantasy that he cannot function in reality, it's not only a serious problem, it's also extremely sad.

    You know yourself and your son better, so it's just a suggestion.  If you can handle the conversation in such a frank manner that your son doesn't manage to twist things around and put you on the defensive, though, you might just have a better impact on him in this than his Dad would.


    Cardan's Pod, a Christian science-fiction tale with a twist.

    Pod Tales and Ponderings
  •  06-30-2008, 10:08 AM 11742 in reply to 11727

    Re: Help with 14yo son and porn

    My dh does the majority of "training up" in this area and sets aside time to do about a chapter of the book Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle with our boys during individual times.   I agree with Hoomi and I think that it is important for young men to hear from their mom's too.  A mom's perspective can be a very powerful thing to help our sons navigate through this area.

     


    2 Timothy 2:15
    Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
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