FamilyLife Forums

I would say it's been approximately 3 years or so since I've been having "issues" with my MIL & SIL.  Mind you, both of them live 1500 miles away, yet they still somehow like to create drama in my life.  About a year and a half ago I had asked my husband to say something to them while they were in town (creating drama) and I felt like he did nothing to protect me as his "wife".  I think it somewhat set the tone for the next year or two and they realized they could get away with treating me badly.  My husband is a very easy going person and would rather just forget about something and not talk about it and just HOPE it goes away.  I am a big communicator so this wasn't working for me!

In January my husband and I had one of our many talks about issues like this in our marriage.  However, I always felt like it was in one ear and out the other.  I still really didn't see or feel much of a change.  Then a couple of weeks ago I had been having an on going problem with my MIL and it seemed to be the topic of conversation between her and my SIL.  My MIL twists things I say and do into lies and I'm not sure why.  But I got fed up with my BIL got a phone call about one of her new lies.  He and I are very close so I took offense to my MIL and SIL involving him in their lies.  I told my husband he has got to say something to them to make it stop. 

I started to get disappointed again because even though he said he would he didn't...not for a few days that is.  He sent them both text messages (wouldn't have been my 1st form of communication, but it was something).  He told them to leave me alone and that he wasn't going to ask again.  Of course they because "confused" sending him text messages back and trying to call him.  He was at work so he didn't call them back and simply replied with a text "I'm at work".  He never called them back or replied again.  Then my MIL started to get the picture.  So, then she decided to be hateful and text him things like if we're having problems she doesn't want to be involved.  And we need to get to the core of our issues.  She also said she was tired of being bullied for living her life.  I have no idea what any of that meant but I'm pretty sure it's just to create problems.  I can't understand why she wouldn't care if we were having problems and want to try to nourish the situation instead of cause a situation.  Anyway, my husband still didn't reply or return any calls to them.  Then all of a sudden a couple of days later she sends more text messages saying that I'm getting upset over something on someone else's personal computer (mind you she doesn't say what or who and I have NO earthly idea what she could be talking about).  Then said she was deleting me from myspace (oh no!) and she was instructing my SIL to do the same.  I haven't a clue as to what she was talking about but it is no love lost for me not to be on their myspace pages.  In fact, the big loss is for them because they won't get to see pics of my children that I upload frequently. 

So, luckily for me the drama has been removed from my life, but I feel sorry for my husband that he would have a mom and sister that would treat him this way by trying to create drama through me.  We've been married for 8 years and together for 14 and I used to have decent relationships with both of them several years ago.  I don't know what happened but I truly believe that some people would just be happier if other people were as miserable as they claim they are.  I think they create issues on purpose for this reason.  Since all of this occured my SIL has posted things on her page about me in plain sight for my husband to read.  He is aware of how they are both totally disrespecting our family.  My SIL has a blog about me and has her friends posting things like I'm a crazy B.  My MIL is posting on my SIL's page scripture regarding my newest tattoo.  I find that funny and highly hypocritical that she is being so self righteous.  If she were going to stand before God on behalf of my sins, then ok...but she is not!  But judging me and creating drama and talking about me behind my back is a complete and utter betrayal against me on both of their parts. 

I was hoping they could respect my husband as head of our family but it is obvious you cannot rationalize with irrational people.  My husband has already reassured me that he chooses me and that the boys and I are his family and that he doesn't need anybody else.  Perhaps they are threatened by that, but because of their behavior they will not be able to receive the blessings that God gives our family.  I did not want him to have to cut them out of our lives but unfortunately they cannot respect our marriage and family enough to be included.  I don't think there is anything else we can do.  But I'm just grateful that my husband has finally spoken up for me and our family.  It proves to me that he loves me.  Even though he hasn't handled it the way I would have, he has finally handled it and I have to accept that this is the way he would handle it.  So, I'm happy with that.  I just wish that he could have the extended family that I have because my family has NEVER disrespected him like that and never will. 

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Libra
www.myspace.com/libramommy
I love being a mommy to two boys & expecting a new bundle of joy!
I'm proud to be Micah's aunt.

Libra, I'm so glad that your husband has taken steps to let his mother and sister know that you and the children are his first priority.  That's an awesome step, and I really applaud him.

I know it's not easy.  It took a few years before my husband would take the same steps, but now he will quickly deal with any problems with his parents/sister, and I'm very grateful for that. 

Do consider at some point at least having your husband remind his family members that anything incorrect they write - even on MySpace - is libel.  In light of the legal actions that have been taken against some MySpace members, I would have hoped that people would be more careful about what they commit to the internet.  Apparently not!  It astonishes me that some people consider the World Wide Web to be their own personal diary, in which they can write anything they choose.  It doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this.  God bless.

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For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself (Gal 5:14)

JaneFW:

Libra, I'm so glad that your husband has taken steps to let his mother and sister know that you and the children are his first priority.  That's an awesome step, and I really applaud him.

I know it's not easy.  It took a few years before my husband would take the same steps, but now he will quickly deal with any problems with his parents/sister, and I'm very grateful for that. 

Do consider at some point at least having your husband remind his family members that anything incorrect they write - even on MySpace - is libel.  In light of the legal actions that have been taken against some MySpace members, I would have hoped that people would be more careful about what they commit to the internet.  Apparently not!  It astonishes me that some people consider the World Wide Web to be their own personal diary, in which they can write anything they choose.  It doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this.  God bless.

The thing that I find most funny is how hypocritical people can be when they post stuff up for the world to see!  My MIL posted a scripture on my SIL's myspace account regarding tattoos (after I got my second tattoo).  However, when my SIL got pregnant out of wedlock I didn't see my MIL  posting any scriptures for that!  I never said I was perfect, and I never asked anybody to stand in front of God for my sins.  So, I think I can handle my own when it comes to that and they can worry about themselves.  In my opinion that is called being self-righteous which is also a big no no. 

I just kind of disregarded what was on my SIL's myspace page... the blog, and especially her friend calling me a crazy B.  I figure if she wants to leave that up there for her brother to read and then hurt his feelings that is on her.  She posted a blog about how a person who grows up as an only child could not possibly understand the bond of siblings that grow up together.  Yeah, that was for me apparently.  How could I possibly understand the bond a sister has with her brother which means you can hurt and disrespect him!  I have half sisters and a brother (that I did not grow up in the same house with) but we seem to have a better relationship than my SIL has with her brothers.  Maybe it just gives us a different outlook to not take those relationships for granted.  Anyway, I'm fine with what I have.  A great hubby, wonderful kids, and also a wonderful extended family who would never disrespect my husband or children.

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Libra
www.myspace.com/libramommy
I love being a mommy to two boys & expecting a new bundle of joy!
I'm proud to be Micah's aunt.

Yeah!  It is wonderful when a husband does that.  It took too long for my husband to do that, as great as he is.  My MIL would come for a visit (they live about the same distance away as your in-laws) and just take over.  I told my hubby that he needed to say something or I would and I would not be nice about it.

You said you live 1500 miles away from them, does your SIL live near them?

How long have you lived away from them? Has it always been that way or was this since you've been married?

I know my late MIL got upset I wouldn't encourage my husband to move us to live closer to her, it became a bee in her bonnet..my husband told her, he had no desire to live near her, he has a life, a job, a home and everything here, and wasn't going to move to make her happy.

So I'm just curious if your living so far away to where she has no "direct' say in his life that may be triggering this..

beachwife:

Yeah!  It is wonderful when a husband does that.  It took too long for my husband to do that, as great as he is.  My MIL would come for a visit (they live about the same distance away as your in-laws) and just take over.  I told my hubby that he needed to say something or I would and I would not be nice about it.

Well, my issue was I have always tried to be nice and I think they took advantage of that.  But I decided I will now be FIRM.  It doesn't mean I have to be rude but I can stand my ground with what we feel is best for our family.  And their drama is NOT best!  And now that my husband has communicated with them that he is backing me up, hopefully that will help. 

I was kinda surprised that the other day my boys got a package from her.  She sent them swimming trunks for our vacation that we leave for on Sunday.  I was surprised because for the last year and a half she hasn't sent them anything (not even birthday/Christmas presents).  In May when my SIL came to visit she did bring presents from both of them, but that was the first thing they had received in a very long time.  I don't know if this is her way of trying to make ammends or what.  But normally I personally would have the boys call her to thank her but I will leave that up to my husband.  I feel any and all communications with them need to be made through him because I will not give her any fuel to add to whatever drama she likes to create.  If I see her I will be cordial, but the rest of the year I don't have to call her or correspond with her, that is up to her son.

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Libra
www.myspace.com/libramommy
I love being a mommy to two boys & expecting a new bundle of joy!
I'm proud to be Micah's aunt.

bluesangel:

You said you live 1500 miles away from them, does your SIL live near them?

How long have you lived away from them? Has it always been that way or was this since you've been married?

I know my late MIL got upset I wouldn't encourage my husband to move us to live closer to her, it became a bee in her bonnet..my husband told her, he had no desire to live near her, he has a life, a job, a home and everything here, and wasn't going to move to make her happy.

So I'm just curious if your living so far away to where she has no "direct' say in his life that may be triggering this..

This is an EXCELLENT point!  My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 8.  My MIL moved shortly after we married.  She had just divorced and wanted to move as far away as possible from my FIL (I guess).  We live in Ohio and she said she either wanted to move to Florida or California (she went to Florida).  For the first several years that she lived there she did nothing but try to convince us to come down too.  It didn't matter that we just bought a house and then started a family, she just couldn't stop gushing about how "great" it was and wanted us to come too.  Well, my hubby didn't want to move either.  He actually likes winter and I don't mind it either.  I feel Florida is a great vacation spot though.  Plus, my family is all here and they are the ones who are supportive to our marriage and family.  So, perhaps it is her not being right her to try to control and have a direct say in our lives.  But we used to get along.  We were close and could talk and stuff.  I changed her bandages when she had a *** reduction!  Then the turning point I really think was when she moved in with us when she had another surgery.  We were engaged, then just got married and having your MIL live with you when you are newlyweds is a bad idea.  She didn't help with any bills, she invited a guest to stay (in our little 2 bedroom duplex) and he didn't leave for over a month, she called out of the country on our phone bill without asking or saying she did and would pay her bill, her house guest was a nussance, etc, etc.  The list goes on, but that doesn't matter.  What really matters is she began disrespecting our marriage back from the start.  She tried for a long time to talk us into moving (which we kept telling her no, we didn't give her any inclination that we could or would move).  She eventually got my SIL to move about 4 years ago.  Then about a year ago she got my BIL & his wife to move down.  Which I'm sure she is just revelling in because they have now started a family a couple months ago with their first son.  I'm sure she treats that grandchild better than she does our children because he's in the same state!  But whatever, we can do without.  My boys have gone without her being much of a grandmother so far, they won't know the difference.

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Libra
www.myspace.com/libramommy
I love being a mommy to two boys & expecting a new bundle of joy!
I'm proud to be Micah's aunt.