I feel like its a cycle he goes through. When I say I love you, he doesn't say it back. He's been "too tired" several nights this week. I've been here before, it's not a great place to be. I wish I knew how to break the cycle for more than a couple months at a time. Anyone know how to break it for good? I know the answer to that question because all marriages go through ups and down and no marriage is perfect the whole time. I just wish he'd try most of the time but it seems he only tries when I get to this point of losing connection to him. Then I have to make a big deal for him to understand I'm serious. Is this a lost cause? Should I just deal with it?
divorce in church: I am sorry to ask what may be old info....is he depressed about something. I know that seems these days to be the default reason for everything but I speak from experience that I went 3 years essentially non communicative due to depression, anxiety etc. and still have that occasionally. It is hoorible for the other. My poor wife was a princess about it...patient and cared deeply, and though I didnt react outward she made a difference.But about you....not me....I was sharing that in case it was similar, not to change the subject.You said, "again" so I was just chasing background.
Well, I'm glad you asked. He's never been treated for depression or anything like that. But that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't ever feel depressed. I notice most of his withdrawnness (just made that word up) when he's having problems with his back. I definetly see a change in his affection (sexually) when his back hurts. And that's understandable. Sometimes I feel as though he's just using that excuse, but I don't want to say he's not really in pain. It just feels like it's the same old thing. But I don't want to hold that against him. I also don't want him to feel like he has to jump through hoops either. Like I said in my OP, he hardly ever says "I love you too." Sometimes I just don't even feel like saying it (even though I usually always do b/c it's a habit when I hang up the phone or when one of us is leaving). But it's hard not hearing "I love you" in return.
I say we go through these cycles because I thought we just broke through one of those cycles earlier this year. I was feeling basically the same way as I am starting to feel now. It got to the point last time I realized he wasn't going to take my feelings seriously. So, I suggested we separate. I think it was finally a light bulb for him. I've felt for many years that he dismisses my feelings and I was tired of feeling like my thoughts, opinions and feelings didn't matter. He is a person who shows or expresses little to no feelings about things. It's almost like things just don't bother him or he doesn't have an opinion about things. I think this is part of his struggle when it comes to showing me affection.
Ok, hopefully that answers some of your questions, DIC. Thanks for asking. I was glad you gave insight into your own situation. That's what I'm looking for; real people who have already experienced this and can give real advice! I don't want to ramble on and on, but if you have any more questions, please ask!
Libra28: I feel like its a cycle he goes through. When I say I love you, he doesn't say it back. He's been "too tired" several nights this week. I've been here before, it's not a great place to be. I wish I knew how to break the cycle for more than a couple months at a time. Anyone know how to break it for good? I know the answer to that question because all marriages go through ups and down and no marriage is perfect the whole time. I just wish he'd try most of the time but it seems he only tries when I get to this point of losing connection to him. Then I have to make a big deal for him to understand I'm serious. Is this a lost cause? Should I just deal with it?
I know when hubby was having back pain, it really was exhausting for him. Constant, nagging physical pain wears you down and leaves you feeling raw, like sanding off the tips of your fingers. Getting hubby in to the care of a good chiropractor really helped turn things around for him. I highly recommend it.
As for the cycle of losing connection. I wonder if the daily doldrums of living are wearing out his joy and connection to life? When I began to tackle hubby's low desire, one thing that seemed to help him was encouraging him to pursue the things he really enjoyed but he never had time for anymore. For him, that meant we built him a gun range on the property, and he was able to enjoy his target shooting whenever he had a few minutes to kill. I talked to him about how much I wanted him to have an opportunity to enjoy life and the things he likes because he works so hard everyday and he deserves to enjoy more of his life. Life is too short, it shouldn't all be about working, paying never-ending bills, doing the never-ending upkeep on our home... it sucks the life out of us, we lose the joy of living and appreciating the world God created.
Helping him reconnect with his dreams- for him that meant encouraging him to spend time in the shop modifying and building his guns or making knives. Interests that he rarely was able to even devote a couple minutes of thought to in a week. Encouraging him to buy a few things toward those interests.
Also, participating in his interests has made it more fun for him too. He loves that I like to go shooting with him, and I help him in the shop, and have some of my own projects out there too. He loves that I'm one of those wives who makes the time to share in her hubby's interests too.
It really helped to bring back his sense of personal satisfaction with life in general, and the joy and appreciation spilled over in other areas of our life. It increased affection and desire, and his love and appreciation of his wife.
So, I would encourage you to look at the hobbies and dreams that your man has, and see if you can revitalize those in his life by encouraging him to take time for him, make it a couples time with him to make it easier for him to justify taking the break, let him see you are interested in his interests and happiness. Try it for a while, see what happens, at worst it won't change much, but at best it could be just the thing to make life fun again for him and make him feel like you are an amazing wife to care for him like that. :)
Sabrina.
My husband's hobbies are his cars. The boys and I are very much involved in this hobby of his. It's nice because it's very much a family hobby. We go to many car shows, take cruises in the car that many times don't have any specific destination except to just enjoy each others company. He works out in the garage and I hardly ever give him grief about that. He really doesn't have any other hobbies. Thank goodness b/c this one is expensive enough! LOL. I'm just not sure what else I can do to show him my interest and connect with what he likes to do so that way he'll connect with me. I often go out to the garage and visit him and he seems to enjoy that. He likes to explain things to me and I listen and even learn.
I do know his back is a source of frustration. I think we've gone through this back thing about 4 times now. Last time he did go to the chiropractor. I think he wants to go back if it doesn't get better. It's just also very frustrating to me to hear he doesn't want to be intimate because his back hurts or he's tired. But not only is it hard to connect sexually, but he has almost no emotions. I think that's why sometimes my emotions get elevated because I feel like I need a reaction out of him. Sometimes I just feel like he doesn't get it and doesn't understand me at all. And even if he didn't understand how I was feeling he still needs to take into consideration my feelings. So, I'm still at a loss as to how to get him to connect to me on a consistent basis, not just when I feel like it's going bad again and I need to complain about it and bring it to his attention. And I don't like to do that because I don't feel he validates my feelings. How can my feelings be wrong? They are mine and I'm not making them up. But that's how he makes me feel if I bring this up.
(((Libra))),
I do KNOW exactly what you are experiencing! I think the last time you wrote about this problem, I advised you to try a number of things...like reading the books, How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich and The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.
As far as my knowing how to break the cycle for "good"????? I really wish I did....my hubby and I have been in counseling (with a wonderful man who really understands BOTH of us) for over 2 and 1/2 years......and our last session was once again about "it"! But, it is MUCH better than it was when the kids were younger and we were both working.
Becoming involved in Women's Bible Studies/prayer groups have helped me a lot, as well.
I think I might "know" why your husband is reluctant to "respond" to your "I love you"s---Maybe he feels that by saying it, it still would not be "enough" for you...that you would respond by saying something like, "Well, if you really love me, then why won't you make love to me?"...and even if you don't "say" those words aloud, he may think you are wanting to say them.
We are "OLDER" now...(wow, that's an "understatement"--he is 60 and I am 51)! And although "sex" is still very important to me, I have learned that it is NOT the ONLY nor most IMPORTANT means of physical intimacy....and thankfully, my husband has learned that as well. In our counseling, it has become apparent that our "frequency" desires are definitely different....he is satisfied with once every 3 to 4 weeks and me?...I would like it twice a week!! You can see the disparity! Through counseling, he has become much more physically affectionate (without it "leading" to actual sex). And through his affection, I find that MOST of my physical intimacy "needs" (desires???) are completely met. Sex just isn't "on his radar"....he has thanked me more than once, saying that if I didn't "insist", that he would not have sex at all....it just isn't that "important" to him. NEVER HAS BEEN...even when we first got married. And no...there is not nor has there ever been any porn or masterbation or any kind of "sexual" sin or perversion on his part. Through counseling, prayer, and comprimise, it has gotten to a point not that I can let him know about my "needs" and he doesn't get defensive and he can say "not tonight" and I not get upset or feel "rejected". In fact, I've kind of learned to "let him know" a day or two before I actually want to have sex....so it's not like "do it NOW, or else!"...he doesn't "feel" threatened and I try not to "feel" rejected. Just being with him is very satisfying and enjoyable to me and having him hold my hand or kiss or hug me is fulfilling.
Even when our "frequency" was at its "lowest", I NEVER doubted his love for me. I guess that, and my own dedication to Christ and to my marriage, is what kept me going.
Has it been worth it??? ABSOLUTELY!!! I can honestly say that I am happier and more "in love" with him now than I was the day we married. And he says he feels the same way.
Blessings!
bestofky
I do know his back is a source of frustration. I think we've gone through this back thing about 4 times now. Last time he did go to the chiropractor. I think he wants to go back if it doesn't get better. It's just also very frustrating to me to hear he doesn't want to be intimate because his back hurts or he's tired.
But not only is it hard to connect sexually, but he has almost no emotions. I think that's why sometimes my emotions get elevated because I feel like I need a reaction out of him. Sometimes I just feel like he doesn't get it and doesn't understand me at all. And even if he didn't understand how I was feeling he still needs to take into consideration my feelings.
So, I'm still at a loss as to how to get him to connect to me on a consistent basis, not just when I feel like it's going bad again and I need to complain about it and bring it to his attention. And I don't like to do that because I don't feel he validates my feelings. How can my feelings be wrong? They are mine and I'm not making them up. But that's how he makes me feel if I bring this up.
I'm still at a loss as to how to get him to connect to me on a consistent basis,
Libra,
I know what you're going through. I felt the same way earlier in my marriage. My husband wasn't verbal with his feelings, and he often wasn't very responsive to my physical attempts either. I felt he didn't love me, bla bla bla.
The reality is that you are saying you love him because you want to hear that he loves you. Think about it. You're not overcome with love everytime you say the words. You're wanting something back when you say them. (The very fact your upset he's not responding is proof of that.) The same goes for the sex. You're not hot-to-trot every time you make advances to him. You're wanting sex because you want him to make you feel like your attractive to him and that he loves you. Your husband's not responding when you say you love him is more of an indication that you're overwhelming him with your feelings and needs.
You asked how could your feelings be wrong when they are your feelings. My answer is that your feelings aren't wrong---for you---they are YOUR feelings. However, YOU are the one who has to live with your feelings. YOU have to learn how to deal with your feelings. They are, afterall, YOUR feelings, not his.
The more he doesn't respond verbally or physically, the more you make verbal and physical advances. And the more verbal and physical advances you make, the more he pulls away because he's overwhelmed and overloaded with the burden of your feelings. What about his feelings? Why should the marriage be all about your feelings? If he feels smothered, aren't those feelings his feelings? If he feels burdened by the responsibility of your self-image and emotional-security, aren't those his feelings? He has a right to his feelings too.
In the end, you both own your own feelings, and you both have to deal with them yourselves. You'd be amazed at how wonderful your marriage would be if you overcame your insecurities. The goal is to become content with what you have, not focus on what you don't have. It sounds like your husband is a nice guy. He's not an emotionally abusive guy so there you're not short changing yourself by learning to be content in your marriage the way it is. Your husband is your husband, not a therapist. He's not equipped to fix your insecurity problems for you. Only you can do that.
Remember, I was where you're at 15 years ago. I do know what you're going through. As a result, I know that the solution rests within your learning to grow into an emotionally healthy individual. You need to find your own self worth and confidence. Only you can do that. Your husband can't do it for you.
The first steps: Try to focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. Try to accept your husband for who he is, not who he isn't. Look for how your husband shows his love in his own way. It's there---you're just not seeing it. And find contentment in yourself, your appearance, and your ability to be lovable. You are all of those things, but you need to convince yourself that you are worthy of possessing independent confidence.
Question for you. Do you know how his parents displayed affection when he was growing up?
A lot of times if a child does not see or hear PDA growing up, they do not know how to show it as an adult. My wife is a great example. If that is not the case, or even if it is, I would really recommend counselling.
Also, does he do anything around the house to show you he loves you? Maybe he is a practical I mean it because I do it type. Or, what are you doing to show him you love him? (no answer required). If all he hears are words, then he may think words don't mean anything.
Just MHO and 2 cents worth
HappyWithOne: If all he hears are words, then he may think words don't mean anything.
If all he hears are words, then he may think words don't mean anything.
Interesting point, HappyWithOne.
Have you offered to give him a backrub when his back is hurting? Maybe get some bengay or icy hot and rub his back with it? Draw him a hot bath and put some epsom salt in it for him to soak in, then give him a back rub..even if your not intimate sexually, you can still touch..and get that connection.
Yes, I often rub his back. When he asks then I know to focus on the area where he hurts. Other time when I'm not even aware he is in pain I rub his back, shoulders, arms, etc. Not necessarily to get anything from him sexually, but because I want to take care of him. hmmm, he has 'NO' emotions or he just doesn't show his emotions the way you do, or the way you 'think' he should?
I'd say he has little to no emotions. His idea of dealing with something is to let it go. He doesn't like to talk things out. When I was having problems with his mom and sister he told me to ignore them and acted like my feelings were off base. I'm sorry, I cannot stuff down my feelings like he does. That is why I feel we don't connect emotionally in that way. I cannot ignore things, I need to work through them to overcome them.What kind of a reaction are you looking for, because it appears even by not reacting emotionally or the way you think he should or that you would, he's still reacting..just not how you want him too..
I'm looking for validation. He doesn't have to agree or understand my feelings but he needs to understand that my feeling are important. And telling me to ignore things won't fix them.how is he not taking your feelings into consideration?
By not respecting them. What about you doesn't he get or understand?
That my feelings mean something to me. I'm willing to agree to disagree, but when he has a total disregard for how things make me feel (good or bad) he doesn't understand the negative connotation it has on me. He doesn't even react when I'm happy or excited about something. Like the one day I called to tell him that I got a picture of my brother (long lost brother whom I never knew before now). And he pretty much blew me off. So, I hung up with him and called a friend who would listen!that you want him to react a certain way?
There's really no wrong way to react, I think it's just that he doesn't react that bothers me. Nothing seems very important to him. Perhaps it's because when he doesn't show he cares I feel less like we're friends and more that I'm just around to do stuff for him, clean up after him, cook for him, etc.
No, but I can't imagine that he feels connected with me when I become disconnected after I can't take much more of it. So, I shut down. I find myself going on with the things I need to do for me because of the kind of rejection I feel from him.Because sometimes, men can feel connected to their wives even when their wives don't feel connected to their husbands..and vis versa..it sounds like you are trying to put your feelings onto him..re-read what you wrote here:
I see your point with what you are saying here. I know guys are wired differently than women. That's ok, but he doesn't even take the time to try to validate me. It seems like the things that go on with me aren't very important to him. Another example is I always ask him how his day at work was. I know sometimes he needs to vent a little about the company he works for. He doesn't really get angry or anything, but I know sometimes he needs to complain. I have to come out and ask him if he wants to hear what we did today. Sometimes I think he believes that when he's at work the kids and I don't do anything. He doesn't SEE the things that get done around the house or what all I had to do with the kids today, etc. But it's almost like he doesn't even care because he doesn't even ask. That's just one example, but I hope it helps illustrate why I feel like he isn't connecting to me. Like I said, he may feel connected to you, so to him, you would be wrong about what HE feels..However, you wouldn't be wrong to say.."honey, I don't feel connected to You."
Been there sooooooooooo many times telling him that. I think I wrote in my OP that earlier this year when I was trying to tell him how I felt I finally suggested a separation. That's how serious I feel that he doesn't take my feelings/concerns serious enough. So what can you do, to make yourself feel emotionally connected to him again?
Yep, that's why I'm here. I feel like I try to connect, but his electricity isn't on so we're not getting any currents flowing.
Could you, as I mentioned above...give him a back rub?
yepCould you curl up next to him?
yes we do that tooCould you go up and give him a big kiss and hug?
yes, we do that also. And believe it or not, there's time when he's laying in bed and he's "too tired" to want to kiss me.
Your the one not feeling connected, so what can you do to change YOUR feelings?
Wish I knew. I know what has changed my feelings in the past and I don't want to go there again.
HappyWithOne: Question for you. Do you know how his parents displayed affection when he was growing up? A lot of times if a child does not see or hear PDA growing up, they do not know how to show it as an adult. My wife is a great example. If that is not the case, or even if it is, I would really recommend counselling. Also, does he do anything around the house to show you he loves you? Maybe he is a practical I mean it because I do it type. Or, what are you doing to show him you love him? (no answer required). If all he hears are words, then he may think words don't mean anything. Just MHO and 2 cents worth
I TOTALLY agree with this....and it is indeed the case with my husband. If you know my story, you know that I have described how my husband's mother has told me that she never remembered her parents ever showing any affection not only to one another but to her and her sibleings. And she says, even now, at 81, hugs to her by friends and family members make her "tense up" and feel uncomfortable. And of course, she carried this into her own marriage with my husband's father, who was not a Christian and was an abusive alcoholic who had several affairs. I grew up in a Christian home where I remember Dad pulling Mom into his lap in a chair or sofa and them holding hands and sitting with his arm around Mom during church. (We weren't "kissy-kissy" like some of my aunts and uncles were with their children but we definitely grew up with affection being publicly shown).
And, the book, How We Love deals specifically with this issue of thy one "avoids" intimacy. Through my patience and determination, my husband has learned to be much more open in his displays of affection. Counseling has taught him that is it indeed a "negative" trait that we do not wish to pass onto our children...
I also think that Jenn has given excellect advice about his dealing with his back pain.
Hopes-n-Dreams: Libra, I know what you're going through. I felt the same way earlier in my marriage. My husband wasn't verbal with his feelings, and he often wasn't very responsive to my physical attempts either. I felt he didn't love me, bla bla bla. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I don't necessarily feel like he doesn't love me, he just doesn't express it. It has crossed my mind before though that perhaps he's still with me because it's easy. That's a silly thought though. The reality is that you are saying you love him because you want to hear that he loves you. Think about it. You're not overcome with love everytime you say the words. You're wanting something back when you say them. (The very fact your upset he's not responding is proof of that.) The same goes for the sex. You're not hot-to-trot every time you make advances to him. You're wanting sex because you want him to make you feel like your attractive to him and that he loves you. Your husband's not responding when you say you love him is more of an indication that you're overwhelming him with your feelings and needs. I'm not saying I love him because I want to hear that he loves me. I'm saying that I NEED to hear that, I was just using it as an example. With everything combined I feel like he just goes through the motions, so to speak. And honestly I don't see how telling him I love him is overwhelming him with my feelings. That doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps you could explain more. But the way I look at it I say I love you in my good-byes to him when we are leaving or getting off of the phone. I guess that's just how I was taught to tell people I love them. I don't say it all the time and I don't gush all over him about it. But if he doesn't say it then I am suppose to look for other ways that he says it without actually saying the words, right? Well, those things are few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he needs to buy me flowers or candy or anything like that. A couple years ago he painted the bathroom purple because he knew I'd like it. Stuff like that that shows me how thoughtful he is makes me realize he does care. When I have to clean out empty to-go containers from the fridge and empty beer cases makes me wonder if he thinks I'm just here to clean up after him. Or when I have to take stuff off of the top of the stove and put it in the trash which is right next to the stove! Or the sweet and low packets in the sink or on the counter just left there for days if I don't throw them out (trust me, I've left them there just to see if he would ever put them away). I guess I feel like I do so much and he doesn't seem grateful. Isn't it enough that I have to clean up after two little boys? I mean, putting stuff in the trash is stuff his boys can do, and he can't? It's puzzling to me why he doesn't try to make things for me a little easier instead of loading me up with meaningless little tasks. I guess this part of it is just an unappreciation. You asked how could your feelings be wrong when they are your feelings. My answer is that your feelings aren't wrong---for you---they are YOUR feelings. However, YOU are the one who has to live with your feelings. YOU have to learn how to deal with your feelings. They are, afterall, YOUR feelings, not his. Yep, I know that. In fact I went to counseling a few years ago to learn how to deal with this. I've changed a lot in the past few years. I don't get as upset at him as I used to. For me, a trigger would be hit and I would yell and be very upset. I don't do that anymore. Sometimes I wonder if now I'm going on the opposite extreme, not saying anything at all b/c I haven't seen any changes from before. Or the changes last long enough for him to get comfortable again and he goes back to what he was doing before. I can deal with my feelings but discussing them with others and analyzing them myself and figuring out a way to handle them. But it still doesn't resolve anything if the other person just wants to ignore things. The more he doesn't respond verbally or physically, the more you make verbal and physical advances. And the more verbal and physical advances you make, the more he pulls away because he's overwhelmed and overloaded with the burden of your feelings. What about his feelings? Why should the marriage be all about your feelings? If he feels smothered, aren't those feelings his feelings? If he feels burdened by the responsibility of your self-image and emotional-security, aren't those his feelings? He has a right to his feelings too. They may have been true several years ago, but the more he doesn't respond the more I shut down. I shut down completely a few months ago. Perhaps I'm blind and I don't see how I'm overloading him or burdening him with my feelings. But right now I'm tired of talking about them and don't really feel the need to have the same conversations over and over again with him. In fact, that's what I told him last time when I suggested a separation. I felt like we had this conversation before and yet no different outcome! I'm still his wife and the mother to his children and I love him very much, but I realized I had looked to him for so long to make me happy, because he once had and it seemed with little effort. But I realize he doesn't control my happiness and I have become more independent when it comes to that. I enjoy spending more time with my friends, which I hardly ever did before. I do quite a bit of stuff with my boys, especially when he as at work. But even when he is home I still have to make them a priority at times when he doesn't understand why. Like when I go to my son's class to volunteer. I'm gone for a couple of hours and he always gets mad when I go. It's like he forgets that I volunteer and he doesn't understand it. But I've tried to tell him before that if we are active in our kids' educations and they see us helping in school activities they will understand how important school is and be better students because of it. I have to drag him to school stuff. But anyways, enough about that, I'm just trying to show an example of what I'm talking about. In the end, you both own your own feelings, and you both have to deal with them yourselves. You'd be amazed at how wonderful your marriage would be if you overcame your insecurities. The goal is to become content with what you have, not focus on what you don't have. It sounds like your husband is a nice guy. He's not an emotionally abusive guy so there you're not short changing yourself by learning to be content in your marriage the way it is. Your husband is your husband, not a therapist. He's not equipped to fix your insecurity problems for you. Only you can do that. I honestly don't think he deals with his feelings. He doesn't show them, he doesn't express them, and he bottles them up. This causes an explosion every few years. One time he threw the remote control and broke a picture. Another time he punched a windshield and needed stitches. What he is doing isn't healthy and I've tried to get him to just talk about stuff. You're right, he's not abusing me, and he never has and I know he never will. When I see others struggle in their marriages with more crucial issues I am thankful that my husband hasn't told me he would kill me (like my friend's husband has said to her). It does put a new perspective on things, but it doesn't mean I have to be any less happy than what I desire to be because someone else is worse off. Remember, I was where you're at 15 years ago. I do know what you're going through. As a result, I know that the solution rests within your learning to grow into an emotionally healthy individual. You need to find your own self worth and confidence. Only you can do that. Your husband can't do it for you. The first steps: Try to focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. Try to accept your husband for who he is, not who he isn't. Look for how your husband shows his love in his own way. It's there---you're just not seeing it. And find contentment in yourself, your appearance, and your ability to be lovable. You are all of those things, but you need to convince yourself that you are worthy of possessing independent confidence. I've grown in many ways over the last year and a half that I never knew was imaginable. I'm continuing to find new things about myself. Things I don't like and things I do. But I honestly don't believe we ever become content with things because then we will stop growing as a human being. I know I'm worthy, I'm not depressed or down on myself because of this. I also know to count my blessings, not my losses. With that said, I still need to find a rational way to do that. I believe I am rational and accepting with most things. But I also believe that there are some things I don't have to agree with when it comes to the maritial connection.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I don't necessarily feel like he doesn't love me, he just doesn't express it. It has crossed my mind before though that perhaps he's still with me because it's easy. That's a silly thought though.
I'm not saying I love him because I want to hear that he loves me. I'm saying that I NEED to hear that, I was just using it as an example. With everything combined I feel like he just goes through the motions, so to speak. And honestly I don't see how telling him I love him is overwhelming him with my feelings. That doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps you could explain more. But the way I look at it I say I love you in my good-byes to him when we are leaving or getting off of the phone. I guess that's just how I was taught to tell people I love them. I don't say it all the time and I don't gush all over him about it. But if he doesn't say it then I am suppose to look for other ways that he says it without actually saying the words, right? Well, those things are few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he needs to buy me flowers or candy or anything like that. A couple years ago he painted the bathroom purple because he knew I'd like it. Stuff like that that shows me how thoughtful he is makes me realize he does care. When I have to clean out empty to-go containers from the fridge and empty beer cases makes me wonder if he thinks I'm just here to clean up after him. Or when I have to take stuff off of the top of the stove and put it in the trash which is right next to the stove! Or the sweet and low packets in the sink or on the counter just left there for days if I don't throw them out (trust me, I've left them there just to see if he would ever put them away). I guess I feel like I do so much and he doesn't seem grateful. Isn't it enough that I have to clean up after two little boys? I mean, putting stuff in the trash is stuff his boys can do, and he can't? It's puzzling to me why he doesn't try to make things for me a little easier instead of loading me up with meaningless little tasks. I guess this part of it is just an unappreciation.
Yep, I know that. In fact I went to counseling a few years ago to learn how to deal with this. I've changed a lot in the past few years. I don't get as upset at him as I used to. For me, a trigger would be hit and I would yell and be very upset. I don't do that anymore. Sometimes I wonder if now I'm going on the opposite extreme, not saying anything at all b/c I haven't seen any changes from before. Or the changes last long enough for him to get comfortable again and he goes back to what he was doing before. I can deal with my feelings but discussing them with others and analyzing them myself and figuring out a way to handle them. But it still doesn't resolve anything if the other person just wants to ignore things.
They may have been true several years ago, but the more he doesn't respond the more I shut down. I shut down completely a few months ago. Perhaps I'm blind and I don't see how I'm overloading him or burdening him with my feelings. But right now I'm tired of talking about them and don't really feel the need to have the same conversations over and over again with him. In fact, that's what I told him last time when I suggested a separation. I felt like we had this conversation before and yet no different outcome! I'm still his wife and the mother to his children and I love him very much, but I realized I had looked to him for so long to make me happy, because he once had and it seemed with little effort. But I realize he doesn't control my happiness and I have become more independent when it comes to that. I enjoy spending more time with my friends, which I hardly ever did before. I do quite a bit of stuff with my boys, especially when he as at work. But even when he is home I still have to make them a priority at times when he doesn't understand why. Like when I go to my son's class to volunteer. I'm gone for a couple of hours and he always gets mad when I go. It's like he forgets that I volunteer and he doesn't understand it. But I've tried to tell him before that if we are active in our kids' educations and they see us helping in school activities they will understand how important school is and be better students because of it. I have to drag him to school stuff. But anyways, enough about that, I'm just trying to show an example of what I'm talking about.
I honestly don't think he deals with his feelings. He doesn't show them, he doesn't express them, and he bottles them up. This causes an explosion every few years. One time he threw the remote control and broke a picture. Another time he punched a windshield and needed stitches. What he is doing isn't healthy and I've tried to get him to just talk about stuff. You're right, he's not abusing me, and he never has and I know he never will. When I see others struggle in their marriages with more crucial issues I am thankful that my husband hasn't told me he would kill me (like my friend's husband has said to her). It does put a new perspective on things, but it doesn't mean I have to be any less happy than what I desire to be because someone else is worse off.
I've grown in many ways over the last year and a half that I never knew was imaginable. I'm continuing to find new things about myself. Things I don't like and things I do. But I honestly don't believe we ever become content with things because then we will stop growing as a human being. I know I'm worthy, I'm not depressed or down on myself because of this. I also know to count my blessings, not my losses. With that said, I still need to find a rational way to do that. I believe I am rational and accepting with most things. But I also believe that there are some things I don't have to agree with when it comes to the maritial connection.
I would say that I really never saw any PDA from his parents. Perhaps that is something to do with it. Its odd how they can show us all of the PDA necessary to win our hearts, then when they don't show it anymore the excuse is they didn't see it growing up. Ironic? Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for a bunch of PDA. We hold hands on occassion, give each other a kiss, whatever. It's not about the PDA really that I'm concerned about. I guess I just don't know how to explain it. But what am I doing for him? Well, I try to do nice gestures like make a meal I think he will really enjoy. And instead of him telling me he likes it I have to ask after much anticipation of a response. I've mentioned it to him before after our meal is over and it was like the next day or something (ample time to tell me it was nice or sucked or whatever). And at first it was like he didn't understand where I was coming from. Then later on that day he tried to rectify the situation by telling me it was good. So, I think he gets it most of the time...he just doesn't know how to validate it when it's important to do so!
