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Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

Last post 07-03-2008, 8:39 PM by SeekingHisPeace. 6 replies.
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  •  07-02-2008, 6:18 PM 12224

    Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    I am not sure what I should be doing...that is why I need input. My youngest son who is 19 just got married in February of this year. His wife is 19 as well. They decided they couldn't wait to get married, even though I tried talking them into waiting a few more years.  They were "right" for each other.  My daughter in law is a wonderful girl and I could not have asked for a better person to marry my son and enter our family. The problem has been with my son.  Since they have gotten married he has done a complete turn around in his attitude. He has stopped going to church, starting hanging out with his old friends and is sometimes downright mean to her in his actions and talk.  He is starting to act like he is single again. I told him that if he wanted to run around he should have gotten that out of his system before he got married. My DIL comes to our house all upset and confides things in me that he says to her or tells me that he went out with his friends and didn't get home until late.  I feel like I am in the middle. I tell her she needs to talk to him and tell him how she feels. I have tried talking to my son but don't feel like I can tell him much since she tells me in confidence.  Please help me give some good advice.

  •  07-02-2008, 7:43 PM 12225 in reply to 12224

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    She needs your help or your son will end up divorced.  You need to help bring him back to God.  Your an elder he respects.  I admire her for having the courage to reach out to you. 
  •  07-02-2008, 8:34 PM 12227 in reply to 12224

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    lovnlife2day:

    I am not sure what I should be doing...that is why I need input. My youngest son who is 19 just got married in February of this year. His wife is 19 as well. They decided they couldn't wait to get married, even though I tried talking them into waiting a few more years.  They were "right" for each other.  My daughter in law is a wonderful girl and I could not have asked for a better person to marry my son and enter our family. The problem has been with my son.  Since they have gotten married he has done a complete turn around in his attitude. He has stopped going to church, starting hanging out with his old friends and is sometimes downright mean to her in his actions and talk.  He is starting to act like he is single again. I told him that if he wanted to run around he should have gotten that out of his system before he got married. My DIL comes to our house all upset and confides things in me that he says to her or tells me that he went out with his friends and didn't get home until late.  I feel like I am in the middle. I tell her she needs to talk to him and tell him how she feels. I have tried talking to my son but don't feel like I can tell him much since she tells me in confidence.  Please help me give some good advice.

     

    I would encourage her to continue to attend church and to perhaps speak with the pastor or another woman at church as well, to gain some perspective.

    Because she's young, maybe she tells you these things because your his mother...you should be able to parent him.  But because she's young she perhaps doesn't fully understand her role nor does he apparently.

    The best advice I can tell you is this: listen to her and pray.  Don't turn her away, but don't talk to your son unless he asks for your advice, he'll only be mad at her for talking to you and vice versa.

    The best advice you can give her is to pray.


    ~~Its me, Jane.
  •  07-02-2008, 8:52 PM 12229 in reply to 12227

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    You are right, Jane.  I just didn't want the young lady to be turned away.  She needs someone who will listen and provide solid advice.  There is no need for mom to talk to the son.  If the daughter in law respects her mother's in law guidance, that is a relationship to nuture, not shut down. 
  •  07-03-2008, 5:11 AM 12245 in reply to 12229

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    SeekingHisPeace:
    You are right, Jane.  I just didn't want the young lady to be turned away.  She needs someone who will listen and provide solid advice.  There is no need for mom to talk to the son.  If the daughter in law respects her mother's in law guidance, that is a relationship to nuture, not shut down. 

    I think she's looking to MIL for help and advice because other than her parents (if they are still married) her inlaws are the only married people she knows.

    Additionally I suspect that things aren't going as smoothly in the bedroom as either 19 year old thought it would and that marriage isn't like dating.  Which I why I would also encourage the young bride to go to womens bible studies, where she can hook up with other mature Godly women.


    ~~Its me, Jane.
  •  07-03-2008, 7:13 PM 12481 in reply to 12245

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    Thanks for your advice. Yes, I indeed tell her to stay encouraged and to keep praying.  Unfortunately for me, this also brings up some painful experiences that I had to go through as well when his dad and I were first married.  I tell her that we had some of the same issues and without God's grace and guidance I wouldn't have made it 25 years.  I just think that she wants me to scold him and be mad at him with her and while I am disappointed in his actions, I do not believe that I should be the one to lay down the law to him. I can only give them advice, I cannot make them obey me.  Her mom and dad are still married and have been for 18 years.  I just think that she has gotten the raw deal because my son is not the person she thought she was marrying and I have told him that.  He seems to listen and will straighten up but then gets back around his friends and acts stupid again.  I am at my wits end.  I think telling her to join a woman's group is an excellent idea.  Thanks!
  •  07-03-2008, 8:39 PM 12487 in reply to 12481

    Re: Does Daughter in law confide to much in me?

    I admire you for seeing things clear.  Often mothers of sons blame their daughters in law.  Their sons can do no wrong.  There are appropriate times for parents to hold adult children accountable for their behavior in marriage-----adultry, abuse, etc.  God forbid it evolves into something like that. 

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