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My brother is currently having a rough time with his adult step-children.  There are two of them who live and work in the same small town as he does and they are "around" all the time.  They eat meals with them, bring the grandchildren to be cared for by grandma, they mooch money and ask for bail out loans they never repay.  The stepson, who is in his 40's and is employed, uses my brother's computer more than 3 times a week to play poker.  My brother is being counciled for depression and he finally snapped this week and left.  He is in prayer about all of this, but he is feeling like there is no fixing this.  Any advice out there?

So sorry to hear about this!  I am one who likes their own space, so I can so relate to your brothers frustration with this.  What a mess! :(

Are you in contact with your brother now?  I think I might suggest that since he is going to counseling already, to ask his counselor to help him with establishing boundaries.  What does his wife say about the situation?  Is she willing to go with your bro to see the counselor?

 

The only thing I could say is put your foot down and say no to some of this stuff..Why cant he just say no?

Love

Dallas

He's tried and tried to put his foot down.  His wife refuses to acknowledge the problem.   He's asked her nicely, loving confrontation...and the ugly stuff too...nothing changes.   They have moved as a couple two or three times.  After each move, the children follow soon after (two-three months.)  They even just purchased a new home to "retire" in and instead of making a place for the two of them to reconnect, the children and the grands are in on it now, yet again.  His counselor advised him that his health was becoming an issue because of the stress.  He's struggling how to respond as a Godly person when there seems to be an impasse.

I dont know..thats a tuff one..I mean if its affecting his health??..He shouldnt be expected to be run into an early grave over this..Sounds like the wife is selfish and uncaring..And those "kids" are users..

He might have to tell his wife she has to "choose"..Adn I don't mean cutting off the "kids" or grandkids..Im talking about setting some bounderies..He's being disrespected..IMHO>.

Love

Dallas

Yes, I am in close contact with him.  As I said in a reply post, he has tried to establish boundaries, but his wife refuses to see the issue and makes him out as the bad guy because he wants his space.  After he left, I called her to chat and she was busy, fixing a barbeque, for the family, minus my bro.  And... she said he had turned into such a "wet balnket" that she was glad that he was gone....not much concern on her part, at least from my perspective. She might go see the counselor with him, but I seriously doubt it.

Stutz8954:

Yes, I am in close contact with him.  As I said in a reply post, he has tried to establish boundaries, but his wife refuses to see the issue and makes him out as the bad guy because he wants his space.  After he left, I called her to chat and she was busy, fixing a barbeque, for the family, minus my bro.  And... she said he had turned into such a "wet balnket" that she was glad that he was gone....not much concern on her part, at least from my perspective. She might go see the counselor with him, but I seriously doubt it.

Im not saying he is..But is he the reclusive type?..I mean would be perfectly happy just with him and his wife for months and months on end not really interacting with anyone else?..And maybe she is the type that is extroverted and loves having many people around?

Love

Dallas

I couldn't agree with you more!  This whole issue, in my opinion is about respect, or the lack of it!  However, what do you do when your spouse refuses to respect you and your leadership/boundaries? 

No, I don't see him as "reclusive."  He just doesn't want to come home 3-4 nights a week and wait for the poker games to be finished to be able to use his computer.  He doesn't want to spend every weekend/holiday with the kids.  He wants to watch TV in peace.  Currently the only peace he gets is by spending time in the garage while the rest of the family enjoys the AC and the easy chairs!  He has many social engagements associated with his job and she has begun to refuse attending those with him in favor of spending time at home with the others as well

Stutz8954:

I couldn't agree with you more!  This whole issue, in my opinion is about respect, or the lack of it!  However, what do you do when your spouse refuses to respect you and your leadership/boundaries? 

Well..I would say state your peace and then refuse to go along with it..He cant control her..but he doesnt have to go along with it..

My aunt treated my uncle that way..but it was their) own children and grandchildren..(they were married long time ..4 kids and 4 grandchildren)..and he LET them treat him like a doormat..He's dead now..He died this past FEB..(in his 60's from throat cancer attributed to acid reflux ..even though he was a smoker too)...

Love

Dallas

Stutz8954:

No, I don't see him as "reclusive."  He just doesn't want to come home 3-4 nights a week and wait for the poker games to be finished to be able to use his computer.  He doesn't want to spend every weekend/holiday with the kids.  He wants to watch TV in peace.  Currently the only peace he gets is by spending time in the garage while the rest of the family enjoys the AC and the easy chairs!  He has many social engagements associated with his job and she has begun to refuse attending those with him in favor of spending time at home with the others as well

 

Again ..sounds like my uncle..He didnt even have a bedroom..He spent a lot of time in the garage as well..made a little "nest" out there for himself..and slept on a mattress in the "dining room"..Worked untill he dropped dead..(he was a Ship Captain he also pulled barges in a tug boat)..made good money but never had anything..Including peace..

Love

Dallas

Yikes!  I just had a thought after reading your post....perhaps I should suggest to him that they get a "bigger" house....one with a well defined upstairs/downstairs situation and one or the other would be off limits to the "family".  Now, what do we do about the money?.... and the holidays...and the weekends.....

Stutz8954:

Yikes!  I just had a thought after reading your post....perhaps I should suggest to him that they get a "bigger" house....one with a well defined upstairs/downstairs situation and one or the other would be off limits to the "family".  Now, what do we do about the money?.... and the holidays...and the weekends.....

Yep...upstairs downstairs with pad locks included..(and cable )..Seperate bank accounts..

Otherwise he could end up a doormat pushed in the corner..

Sorry...

Love

Dallas

Cancel his internet service, and sell his desktop, get a lap top that he takes with him to work.  Get an AT&T or other cellular internet provider card and put that in the laptop.

He can't control what his wife does, but he can make sure there isn't free computer and internet for the kids and grandkids to use and abuse.

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God didn't send His son to make us happy, He sent His son so we could be Holy!