FamilyLife Forums

My wife has joined Facebook and has found a lot of old friends from high school and made some new friends.  My problem is that she has also become friends with her ex-boyfriend.  Now we have been married for 7 years, we are both born again Christians, and she actually asked me if it would be ok to ask him to be her friend on Facebook.   I didn't want to act like the controlling type of husband so I said that I didn't like it but if you still want to do it go ahead.  Is it wrong to have an ex-boyfriend on Facebook?

The situation your wife is in has red flags all over it.
There is something significant about adolescent love that lays down deeply embedded tracks in the psyche. First-love is a powerful intoxicating  experience. Reconnecting with that person many years  later can resurrect all the old feelings in a nanosecond. Recycled excitement is quickly on the agenda.
Check out these articles. You may need to get your wife to read these, especially the first one,  simply to let her know the potential risks in the territory she has entered.

www.smh.com.au/news/world/burnt-by-old-flames/2007/06/03/1180809319400.html
www.theartofloveandintimacy.com/2008/12/online-chats-relationships-and-affairs.html
www.pressofatlanticcity.com/life/article_06589bde-3fe0-5785-8a9c-6df6c7831b8c.html
www.achievesolutions.net/achievesolutions/en/Content.do?contentId=10915

kgroff22:

My wife has joined Facebook and has found a lot of old friends from high school and made some new friends.  My problem is that she has also become friends with her ex-boyfriend.  Now we have been married for 7 years, we are both born again Christians, and she actually asked me if it would be ok to ask him to be her friend on Facebook.   I didn't want to act like the controlling type of husband so I said that I didn't like it but if you still want to do it go ahead.  Is it wrong to have an ex-boyfriend on Facebook?

I was in a situation sort of like this. If I could do it differently I would have been a butt, put my foot down and told her exactly how I felt about her so called "we're just friends".
I should have made it very clear.

Yes, it's wrong!

kgroff22:

Is it wrong to have an ex-boyfriend on Facebook?

My answer to that is that it depends.  Friending someone doesn't necessarily mean anything.  The reason Facebook is so popular is because it encourages people to expand their social networks to their largest possible extent.  It even recommends that you friend people whom you don't know but are "friends of your friends."  It's not uncommon for people to dig deep into their past to find names of people they can friend.  I've personally searched for my high school girlfriend to friend her (though I couldn't find her) even though I have no desire at all to see her again.  Hey, I even I friended my best friend from elemetnaty school from 1982.

That being said, Facebook can be used to initiate an affair.  If your wife is communicating more with her ex-bf than with other other people she's friended, or if she's going beyond "reconnecting" with him and starting "rekindling," then it's an inappropriate thing to do.  If I was in your place, I would tell my wife that it was okay to have him as a friend if she promises not to chat or personal message him, and make all communications with him common (on her "wall").

A married woman should not make contact with an ex-boyfriend.
It is not appropriate no matter how you try to reason it.

Yeah I really do feel the same way about it that you do, I still have my concerns though.  She does chat with him, not all the time but possibly once a week.  She does not want to not be his facebook friend, even though she knows how much it hurts me.  She has always said that she is doing nothing wrong, she does not see that bringing him back into her life could possibly bring up feelings that she thought were gone.  I personally would not want to take that chance.  And she does enjoy posting messages on his wall and he does on hers.  It certainly doesn't help that he is single either, not knowing his true intentions really bothers me to.

If your wife is an honorable and trustworthy woman and has good boundaries then I don't see a problem with it personally.

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

As a man who came from many a broken relationship (all non-Christian relationships prior to this one with my wife) I can sense the insecurity of this situation. First, I pray that the Holy Spirit will protect your wife's heart and mind from any of satan's deceptive tactics.

II Corinthians 10:5 encourages us to "...take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." The enemy would like to break your spirit and stir up strife in your marriage by constantly reminding you about this facebook ordeal and try to get you to begin doubting your wife's covenant to you. One approach could be to take each of those thoughts captive and consider what what Christ would really do step-by-step (according to what you know of his character and behavior in the Scriptures) in that situation if he were married.

If your wife has so far not given you a reason to doubt her loyalty and faithfulness, consider that positive thought every time you have a negative thought.

When my wife and I were first dating we both had fears and insecurities. One day she said to me, "I trust God in you." That was probably one of those moments that affirmed my desire to marry this woman. From then on when I had fears about any other man in her life I tried my best to capture the thought and combat it with "I trust God in her."

That's really what it all comes down to - trusting God to work in her heart and mind if she feels tempted to do something that borders unfaithfulness to you. Surrendering your fears to our Lord and trusting in His sovereignty that He will reveal to her which course of action to take. The God of the Universe joined you together; He won't sit on His throne and do nothing when someone comes to attack His Union.

In the past I've said to my wife, actually before we were married, "I love you, I trust you, but I'm having these negative thoughts and feelings and I'm not sure why - but they are intense - please pray for me." That really helped me just getting it off my chest.