FamilyLife Forums

Does God have that "Special Someone" for us?

HI raised this in another thread, and I thought it was of sufficient interest to deserve it's own track. Also it allows the other thread to keep it's own focus.

It's likely that the idea of God's guidance for a spouse derives from the wonderful story of God's provision for Issac.

Abraham said, "The Eternal God of heaven and God of earth,...the eternal will send his angel before you, and provide you with a wife for my son." Gen 24:6,7.Moffatt.

Then when Abraham's servant reached his destination, he took his mission seriously.
    "And he said, O Lord, God of my master Abraham, I pray You, cause me to meet with good success today, and show kindness to my master Abraham.
See, I stand here by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming to draw water.
And let it so be that the girl to whom I say, I pray you, let down your jar that I may drink, and she replies, Drink, and I will give your camels drink also--let her be the one whom You have selected and appointed and indicated for Your servant Isaac [to be a wife to him]; and by it I shall know that You have shown kindness and faithfulness to my master." Gen 24:12-14. AMP

Maybe it goes even further back to Genesis 2, where God brings the woman to Adam. Although that does not in itself give us the concept of selection- since Adam didn't have a choice - it does contain the idea of God's provision.

If it's true that God has a mate in mind for us, there are some secondary questions:

Is it our responsibility to find that person or will God always tell us who that person is?  How can we be sure that the person we want to marry (or are already married to) is that person?  What if the person I marry is a great Christian and we're ready to make a lifetime commitment and all that, but it's not the specific person God has chosen for me?  Am I sinning by being married to someone other than the one person God has chosen?  That whole line of reasoning conjures up the image of God saying to us, "I have picked out one person for you and you have to guess who it is and if you guess wrong, you will have sinned."

Is finding God's chosen person a matter of divine destiny?  Some say that God's will is irresistible.  Perhaps God will lead us to the right person without any conscious effort on our part.  God sent Joseph son of Jacob to Egypt and made him the savior of his people, but Joseph had no idea what God's master plan was when his brothers kidnapped him and tossed him into a well.

I've heard it said that it's difficult, maybe impossible, to get guidance in prayer when our emotions are engaged in an issue. That applies not just to the selection of a spouse, but in other decisions.

I think the reason being that emotions cloud our judgment, skew our wills in one direction. If we are asking God "yes" or "no", but our emotions are favouring a "yes", then we are not likely to be able to hear if it was a "no". But if we are asking prior to our emotions being involved, maybe even before we have met the person, then our guidance may be more reliable.

Sheldon Vanauken, in his essay "The Loves", writes about the kind of "divine certainty" that is conferred on lovers by the emotions they have towards each other. Even though that certainty does not come from the God of the Bible, it nevertheless carries an equivalent validation.
He describes the powerful feelings that lovers experience as being from the mythical god Eros, the god of lovers. But to the lovers, it is still godlike.

Chuck Colson, in an article for Peacemaker Ministries  quotes Vanauken;

"Vanauken dubs these thrilling emotions "The Sanction of Eros." ..... something higher than judgment, higher even than their own desires. But as Vanauken points out, "the sacred approval they felt could not possibly have come from [God,] .... It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."
"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right ..... few people are prepared "for the amazing sanction of Eros." Those caught in its thrall are convinced that their love is different, even sacred. They do not dream, the writer says, "that every other lover has the same assurance."

That is why, once those emotions are running high, the ability to differentiate between the voice of God and the call of the passions is largely gone.

formerlyalpha:

I've heard it said that it's difficult, maybe impossible, to get guidance in prayer when our emotions are engaged in an issue. That applies not just to the selection of a spouse, but in other decisions.

That is why, once those emotions are running high, the ability to differentiate between the voice of God and the call of the passions is largely gone.

And yet, I've heard many sermons and discussions that conclude that whenever the voice of God speaks to you, a feeling of intense emotion always (or almost always) accompanies it.

I've also heard many times that you can know if you're following God's will when you feel at extreme peace about it.  One fellow told me that he knew that God wanted him to have a Taurus as his next car when he was talking about maybe getting a Taurus, and just at that time, a Taurus passed by.  He said that he was filled with a "peace that surpasses understanding" about buying a Taurus.

It's easy to feel a kind of extreme peace or emotion when one is dancing at the feet of Eros with a special someone. 

Grand Illusion:

formerlyalpha:

I've heard it said that it's difficult, maybe impossible, to get guidance in prayer when our emotions are engaged in an issue. That applies not just to the selection of a spouse, but in other decisions.

That is why, once those emotions are running high, the ability to differentiate between the voice of God and the call of the passions is largely gone.

And yet, I've heard many sermons and discussions that conclude that whenever the voice of God speaks to you, a feeling of intense emotion always (or almost always) accompanies it.

I've also heard many times that you can know if you're following God's will when you feel at extreme peace about it.  One fellow told me that he knew that God wanted him to have a Taurus as his next car when he was talking about maybe getting a Taurus, and just at that time, a Taurus passed by.  He said that he was filled with a "peace that surpasses understanding" about buying a Taurus.

It's easy to feel a kind of extreme peace or emotion when one is dancing at the feet of Eros with a special someone. 

That's exactly the kind of sermon I was talking about in the other thread (debunking myths).  I was shocked at the amount of stuff like this that has been coming out of pulpits.  ven some people who are leading bible studies are putting out some things that are twisted just enough that they can be made subject to the "feelings/preferences/comfort first" kind of thinking that will push the Word out of the picture (or to the far back seat, at best).

God has endowed us with the capacity and responsibility to choose.  In the Bible there are certain parameters inside which we are to make our choices. In that sense we are to do so in accordance with the "will of God". For christians this "will of God' is to be the basis of our entire lives.
The more our lives approximate this "God's will" lifestyle, the more our decisions are likely to accord with His will. It's a cause and effect scenario.

e.g. "Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.  Rom12:2
       " ...praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding.  Col 1:9
       " that you may stand firm in all the will of God,..." Col 4:12

James urges that his readers apply the "will of God" principle to their entire decision making process.
"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 1Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."

Presumably, if seeking the "will of God" for mundane matters like conducting business, or relocating to another town, is a recommended path for believers, surely that would apply to the selection of a spouse?

In the O T there were also parameters for the selection of a wife/husband.
When Esau was forty years old, he took as wives Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Basemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite.
And they were a grief of mind to Isaac and Rebekah. Gen 26:34,35.

 Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."
 So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed  him and commanded him: "Do not marry a Canaanite woman. Go at once to Paddan Aram,  to the house of your mother's father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother's brother." Gen 27:46; Gen 28:1,2.

The story of Samson illustrates this. A Philistine girl caught his eye, and when he arrived home he told his parents to arrange a wedding. They protested, "Isn't there a girl from among our people that you can choose?" But Samson said to his father, "Get her for me. She's the one I want— she's the right one." Judges 14:3 MSG

The wisdom of God in Proverbs advises how a wife is to be selected.
"The man who finds a wife finds a treasure,
      and he receives favor from the Lord." Prov 18;22.
"House and land are handed down from parents,
   but a congenial spouse comes straight from God." Prov 19:14.MSG

So there seems to be an overlap between what God wants us to choose , and what we want, at least that is the ideal