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We talk about this here a lot.Your husband is going to have to WANT to quit viewing that stuff.
I dont know what to tell you about the waking you up on your only days to sleep in except tell him its impolite and you dont appreciate it.The rolling over and letting him "have at it" sounds like he is objectifying you.
And yes you need to understand how he is feeling but he needs to realize how you are feeling also.
He's by his own admission been looking at porn since he was 12 years old.First he is going to have to want to quit and then he is going to need more than you telling him to stop it.
I dont know about you withholding sex though.I understand why you dont want to.But I dont know if its helpful or harmful.You do have a "right" though IMHO to not have sex with your husband if he has fresh porn dancing around in his head while being intimate with you.
If I were you I would get into some counseling.For YOU.You need someone to talk to who knows what they are doing.If he isnt committed to stopping looking at porn your hands are kind of tied.I hate to say that but its the truth.
Obviously you need to keep reading uplifting scriptures..So you wont become bitter.
You could put your foot down and say he has to choose you or porn.I did that with my husband and he chose me.But he wasnt "addicted' to it.He views it as nothing but a tease.And quite frankly he thinks its silly .His obsession is me.(Im not kidding either).He grew up on it.But for him I think it was more like "training" for the real thing.
Anyway I wish I could help..All I can really tell you is try to get yourself some counseling.Keep reading Gods word on how to love.
Love
Dallas
neveah7X7:I am not withholding sex... we have been together since this whole thing. We can't afford counseling; I would want to go to a Christian counselor, and they cost. We went to a FLT Weend To Remember before we got married. He bought the "Every Man's Battle" set on CD. I dug it out and set it out for him to listen to, to help him. It hasn't moved. He knew I put it there for him to listen to, because we talked about it. He is sleeping on the couch (his choice/idea). It seems no matter what, it all comes back to his groin. Every single conversation we have now comes down to whether or not he's going to get some. What is the deal??? Seriously... can we have one discussion without throwing your crotch into it???
I dont understand what you mean by every conversation ends up being about his groin.And whether or not he's going to "get some".Are those his words?
neveah7X7:No, he doesn't say those words. But it's like this: Me: My friend Anna surprised me with a couple of dresses-they are really, really cute! Him: Did she do good on the sizes? Me: Well, one of them is a little tight across the chest. Him: Hmmm hmmm... and then he starts coming at me. If I bend over to pick something up, he's coming at me like a freight train. We went swimming with the kids this past weekend-while we were in the water he took my hand and put it on his crotch. It's CONSTANT. He always asks me to do one thing in the bedroom... but he asks me about it EVERYWHERE. It's disgusting, and I am sure he probably got it from one of his dirty movies. All he talks about since this happened is his penis. I am sick of it. His thing is what got us where we are at in the first place. Sorry for the vent... but I have no other outlet.
No problem..I understand needing outlet.
How old are ya'll?
And Im sort of chuckling because all be it your husband is crude and rude..I think he is just hot after you.
He needs to learn some manners.
Its really hard sweetie..I have the husband that would say in front of my whole family "YEAH when we get home Im gonna tap that (word that comes after jack and its a mule )/
Really rude .It seemed all he thought about was his penis ..and I doubt I was far off.I think he only didnt think about his penis but maybe when he was asleep..But even then he dreamed about it.And thats why I got groped in the night.
O.K so heres the deal though..You have to omitt words like "disgusting" "crotch" ..What I mean is you are harming the situation by making him feel ashamed really bad.
If he is out of control with the hormones you have to put your foot down and say .."I prefer to be treated like a lady" ..
Also just so you know you are not "alone" in this.
I totally understand.Your husband is easily "triggered" for sex with you and he sounds like high frequency needs..
My husband is one of those that even having sex..makes him more horny.IOW we will have sex..and the "memory" of that makes him want to do it again right away.
The "bending over"..yep...I "bent over" in the graden one time we were admiring the flowers ..and we walked inside the house and he litterally pounced on me.He grabbed me like the scene in "Gone With the Wind" and it was on.right then and there(on the floor in the kitchen).He told me "sorry" afterwards but when I bent over in the garden he got a "glimpse" of (ya know) and it drove him "crazy".
Another time..(we had had sex that morning)..and I walked in the kitchen after I had bathed and dressed....and he "pounced" again..and "dragged me" into the bedroom.We had a house full of kids too..they were at the time in another room ..when he pounced in the kitchen.I went along with it..I was "trying" to keep up with his drive ..but I couldnt understand how he could be that hot and horny after we just had been intimate hours before.He "blamed it" on my shirt.
Those are just two examples but he was like that ALL the time.And in between YES with the comments.Like with the chest example you gave.If I said anything remotely that could be made sexual he would make a comment.Here is an example of that..One time my son and I were talking about their heretage..the origin IOW of our last names..I told my son ..well ya'll have German in you from daddy ..I dont..He said "well you did about 30 minutes ago" LOL!!!(we had had sex earlier).
So you are definately not alone.And your husband is not "one of a kind".
I would bet he has a super high sex drive..And he is very attracted to you..But he is sort of "jaded" with the looking at porn all the time..and lost his manners along the way..On top of the fact he may be is impulsive with his "natural" urges and when he becomes aroused he obsesses on it.
He rides on the sexual high.
He is going to have to grow up..and give you room to breath..and you are going to have to relax a little bit.
neveah7X7:I am EXTREMELY disappointed... I just listened to the "Every Man's Battle" cd. Apparently, it is a miracle that men can stand upright. And not have sex/think about sex/talk about sex/masturbate all day. I was just very let down by the things that were said in that CD. Also, hubby "gave me a back rub" last night. Again, not stupid! I know what that means to a guy. And keeping me up late when I have to get up early, not helping. I am just so frustrated.
There is anothr woman here Jane..who if I remember correctly was also very disgusted with that book.In fact I think I remeber her saying she threw it across the room.
Please do not believe that "every man" is "battling" to not be obsessed all day long everyday with sex.I dont think its right to make EVERY man believe that is just the way they were made.There are some men that are obsessed with it..
neveah7x7, My heart goes out to you. I understand how damaging this can be to you and your marriage. In your previous blog you said you felt like your husband had cheated on you. I wanted to share a scripture with you.
Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" Matthew 5:27-28
I certaintly don't want to pass judgement on your husband but you should know your feelings are not wrong. From this passage we can see that if a person uses another person, even a picture of another person to sexually excite and arouse themselves, they are committing adultery....according to the above passage. Your husbands use and acceptance of the pornography is making you feel the way you do. I know for me, when my husband was looking at porn, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It really weighed heavy on my own self esteem and I became very self concious about everything around him. I doubted my beauty and who I am. I questioned what I did that caused him to feel like he needed to become satisfied this way. The truth is, porn stars are selected for these things because they are not normal anyways. They do things, look ways and act unlike normal people. Which in return makes men think "all" women could be this way. It sets up unrealistic expectations and destroys the bond between a husband and wife. This is how the enemy get's in and destroys marriages. After all, remember he comes to kill steal and destroy. I would like to suggest a book. It is really great and it may help you find some answers to the many questions and feelings you are having. It is called "Every Heart Restored" it is coauthored by a husband and wife team who faced the sexual sin of the husband and sucessfully rebuilt their marriage. Don't nag your husband about this. I found the more I pushed and demanded him to change and to not do this anymore, the further it pushed us away and the more I started to despise him. I am by no means saying you have to accept it, because this is wrong. I am just saying to pray, pray, pray and when you think nothing is happening pray some more. Allow God to be God and let Him deal with your husbands sexual impurity. I know this is hard, beleive me, I have been there. But your hope is in the Lord!
I was doing laundry on a Saturday afternoon and found ripped out pages of porn in my husbands back pocket. I was horrified! My mind ran away with many thoughts and questions. I felt the same way you did. When I addressed my husband, he gave me many excuses to why he felt like it was okay and it wasn't the same as cheating.... Needless to say for weeks this got us no where. Finally we sought out guidance with our pastor at our church. We started counseling and have slowly been putting things back together. It is a process and sometimes a painful journey. I know you said before that you wanted to do christian counseling but it costs too much. Are you a member of a church? Our pastor counseled us free of charge. If not, may I suggest you calling around to some non-denominatioal churches and asking if they offer marriage counseling and if so, is there a charge. When a couple is faced with something like this, it is hard to work through. When you have a third person, not emotionally attatched, they can sometimes help with the healing process. However, healing can only come after your husband realizes that this is wrong and confess his sin. Restoration to the marriage is so vital but with him being in denial, it may be a challenge.
If I could offer one true piece of advice...it would have to be PRAY~ Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. Draw your strength from our Heavenly Father to guide and help you with this.
Here is a prayer that I prayed quite often when my husband and I were going through our situation.
Lord, You have said to call upon You in the day of trouble and You will deliver us (Psalm 50:15). I call upon You now and ask that You would work deliverance in my husbands life. Deliver him from the sexual desire of pornography. Deliver him quickly and be a rock of refuge and a fortress of defense to save him (Psalm 31:2). Lift him away from the hands of the enemy (Psalm 31:15). When these pictures are in front of him, I pray that you will make it so obvious to him how this is hurting our marriage. May the burden weigh so heavy on him that he will have no choice but to turn away and not look at them anymore.
Bring him to a place of understanding where he can recognize the work of evil and cry out to You for help. If the deliverance he prays for isn't immediate, keep him from discouragement and help him to be confident that You have begun a good work in him and will complete it (Philippians 1:6). Give him the certainty that even in his most hopeless state, when he finds it impossible to change anything, You, Lord, can change everything. Give my husband the eyes to see the truth and the ears to hear the truth.
Help him understand that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spirtitual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). I pray that he will be strong and turn from his wicked ways. May he not seek such evil things to bring temporary satisfaction, but seek for the only true sexual satisfaction he can get from me, his wife. For you created marriage to be between husband and wife and that the marriage bed be undefiled. I pray Father that you will plant this so deep in my husbands soul. May he put on the whole armor of God, so he can stand against the wiles of the devil in the evil day. Help him to gird his waist with truth and put on the breastplate of righteousness, having shod his feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace. Enable him to take up the shield of faith, with which to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. I pray that he will take the helmet of salvation , and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful and standing strong to the end (Ephesians 6:13-18).
I pray Father for you to give me the strength to overcome this. Decrease me and increase You in my life. Help me to not hold onto resentment and bitterness and create in me a new heart.
In Jesus Name-Amen.
Try to focus on the positive things about your husband. I found that when I did this along with prayer and staying in God's word, it made it a little easier for me to cope with.
REMEBER~ YOU ARE A DAUGHTER TO THE MOST HIGH KING!!! This is not your fault and you are not to blame!
God Bless You!!!
Holecek Family: neveah7x7, My heart goes out to you. I understand how damaging this can be to you and your marriage. In your previous blog you said you felt like your husband had cheated on you. I wanted to share a scripture with you. Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" Matthew 5:27-28 I certaintly don't want to pass judgement on your husband but you should know your feelings are not wrong. From this passage we can see that if a person uses another person, even a picture of another person to sexually excite and arouse themselves, they are committing adultery....according to the above passage. Your husbands use and acceptance of the pornography is making you feel the way you do. I know for me, when my husband was looking at porn, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It really weighed heavy on my own self esteem and I became very self concious about everything around him. I doubted my beauty and who I am. I questioned what I did that caused him to feel like he needed to become satisfied this way. The truth is, porn stars are selected for these things because they are not normal anyways. They do things, look ways and act unlike normal people. Which in return makes men think "all" women could be this way. It sets up unrealistic expectations and destroys the bond between a husband and wife. This is how the enemy get's in and destroys marriages. After all, remember he comes to kill steal and destroy. I would like to suggest a book. It is really great and it may help you find some answers to the many questions and feelings you are having. It is called "Every Heart Restored" it is coauthored by a husband and wife team who faced the sexual sin of the husband and sucessfully rebuilt their marriage. Don't nag your husband about this. I found the more I pushed and demanded him to change and to not do this anymore, the further it pushed us away and the more I started to despise him. I am by no means saying you have to accept it, because this is wrong. I am just saying to pray, pray, pray and when you think nothing is happening pray some more. Allow God to be God and let Him deal with your husbands sexual impurity. I know this is hard, beleive me, I have been there. But your hope is in the Lord! I was doing laundry on a Saturday afternoon and found ripped out pages of porn in my husbands back pocket. I was horrified! My mind ran away with many thoughts and questions. I felt the same way you did. When I addressed my husband, he gave me many excuses to why he felt like it was okay and it wasn't the same as cheating.... Needless to say for weeks this got us no where. Finally we sought out guidance with our pastor at our church. We started counseling and have slowly been putting things back together. It is a process and sometimes a painful journey. I know you said before that you wanted to do christian counseling but it costs too much. Are you a member of a church? Our pastor counseled us free of charge. If not, may I suggest you calling around to some non-denominatioal churches and asking if they offer marriage counseling and if so, is there a charge. When a couple is faced with something like this, it is hard to work through. When you have a third person, not emotionally attatched, they can sometimes help with the healing process. However, healing can only come after your husband realizes that this is wrong and confess his sin. Restoration to the marriage is so vital but with him being in denial, it may be a challenge. If I could offer one true piece of advice...it would have to be PRAY~ Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. Draw your strength from our Heavenly Father to guide and help you with this. Here is a prayer that I prayed quite often when my husband and I were going through our situation. Lord, You have said to call upon You in the day of trouble and You will deliver us (Psalm 50:15). I call upon You now and ask that You would work deliverance in my husbands life. Deliver him from the sexual desire of pornography. Deliver him quickly and be a rock of refuge and a fortress of defense to save him (Psalm 31:2). Lift him away from the hands of the enemy (Psalm 31:15). When these pictures are in front of him, I pray that you will make it so obvious to him how this is hurting our marriage. May the burden weigh so heavy on him that he will have no choice but to turn away and not look at them anymore. Bring him to a place of understanding where he can recognize the work of evil and cry out to You for help. If the deliverance he prays for isn't immediate, keep him from discouragement and help him to be confident that You have begun a good work in him and will complete it (Philippians 1:6). Give him the certainty that even in his most hopeless state, when he finds it impossible to change anything, You, Lord, can change everything. Give my husband the eyes to see the truth and the ears to hear the truth. Help him understand that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spirtitual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). I pray that he will be strong and turn from his wicked ways. May he not seek such evil things to bring temporary satisfaction, but seek for the only true sexual satisfaction he can get from me, his wife. For you created marriage to be between husband and wife and that the marriage bed be undefiled. I pray Father that you will plant this so deep in my husbands soul. May he put on the whole armor of God, so he can stand against the wiles of the devil in the evil day. Help him to gird his waist with truth and put on the breastplate of righteousness, having shod his feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace. Enable him to take up the shield of faith, with which to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. I pray that he will take the helmet of salvation , and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful and standing strong to the end (Ephesians 6:13-18). I pray Father for you to give me the strength to overcome this. Decrease me and increase You in my life. Help me to not hold onto resentment and bitterness and create in me a new heart. In Jesus Name-Amen. Try to focus on the positive things about your husband. I found that when I did this along with prayer and staying in God's word, it made it a little easier for me to cope with. REMEBER~ YOU ARE A DAUGHTER TO THE MOST HIGH KING!!! This is not your fault and you are not to blame! God Bless You!!!
