FamilyLife Forums

My husband recently accepted a friend onto his facebook page. I was suprised to find that it was a female co-worker. He knows her at work, but I don't know this person at all and we have met only a few times at work functions. I think co-workers can be on a friendly basis, but within limits. I think it is unprofessional to cross work relationships over to your private life and feel uncomfortable with him developing a relationship with this woman in a social setting that I consider part of our family and friend connections. I am also uncomfortable because in this forum they could share private converstations which they could not at work. My husband is a strong Christian man and I trust him, but we don't see eye to eye at the moment. I think you should keep your distance to some degree from co-workers and particularly of the opposite sex. He thinks of it like bumping into someone at the grocery store-a breif chat that's all.  Even though we gave each other the right to "veto" anyone on our friend list, he was upset when I told him I was not comfortable with her on his site. I feel he is going back on his word. He was embarassed to un-friend her because he would see her at work and would feel uncomfotable telling her why. I am not wanting to embarass him I just done think it is wise to do, plus I am just private that way and don't want everyone at his work getting to know personal things about us and our children. We actually got into a lengthy discussion over it which then made me feel like he is considering her feelings over mine. This mad me upset and felt like he was being a bit disloyal to me. I trust him and he gave me his log in codes but I still don't feel like it is very professional or considerate to me. What does the Bible have to say about it?

Unless he has given you reason, I don't see why you shouldn't trust your husband. I have both male and female friends on facebook. I tend to agree with your husband, it is a lot like bumping into people casually.
I think the real question is: why do you feel threatened? Does he post inappropriate or overly personal messages on his page? If not, I think you need to ask yourself where your insecurity is coming from.
Many people who use facebook have friends they work with. It is not unusual at all. I understand that it is your personal boundary, but why do you insist your husband feel the same way?

We are a couple. I wouldn't insist on cooking food I know I only liked at dinner. It is just curtious. I think that part of being a couple is respecting each others feelings. My best friend recently had an afair with a man this way from her work. She was a Christian and never thought she would do something like this and it just started as a casual thing- on facebook with a co-worker of the opposite sex. So that is where it comes from. He knows this and I shared that with him. I do trust him, but we agreed to give each other permission to say I don't feel comfortable with that person on your facebook. Now he is re-nigging. It feels like he went back on his agreement. I think it is just impolite not to be sensitive to how I might feel. My guess is that you are a man. I believe that woman have a good sense when a woman may have alternate motives and we pick up on subtle behavior that a man just doesn't notice. My husband is just being nice. I know. Does anyone else out there know what I am talking about? I do appreciate you thoughts.

I think this is an area you just need to be careful with in marriage.   I just joined facebook, so I haven't added many people yet.   Any male or female on my facebook is wide open for my husband to see.  He can read anything on there he wants too on my page.   I think if you have a wide open access to his or yours facebook then there is no problem.

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I Love My Husband!
Go Gators!!!

92:

Unless he has given you reason, I don't see why you shouldn't trust your husband. I have both male and female friends on facebook. I tend to agree with your husband, it is a lot like bumping into people casually.
I think the real question is: why do you feel threatened? Does he post inappropriate or overly personal messages on his page? If not, I think you need to ask yourself where your insecurity is coming from.
Many people who use facebook have friends they work with. It is not unusual at all. I understand that it is your personal boundary, but why do you insist your husband feel the same way?

I totally agree.  (And, BTW, I AM a female).  I'm on facebook and the only males on my "friends" list is my hubby, my cousin, and a guy I graduated high school with nearly 35 years ago.  My hubby has female "friends" on facebook (from high school) and it does not "bother" me at all.  He has never given me a reason not to trust him.....nor have I given him a reason not to trust me. 

I once heard a story about a man who caught a bird.  Now, he could hold the bird gently in his hands and the bird felt safe and was happy and would sit there for hours.  But, the moment the man started worrying that the bird would fly away, he began holding the bird too tightly.  The tighter he held the bird, the more the bird was uncomfortable, even hurt.  Eventually the bird wiggled, twisted, and fought its way out of the man's tight fist to freedom. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have certain boundaries.....but I think you are reacting to fears of what "could" happen.  I recommend that you talk with a pastor or counselor soon. 

Just don't hold too tight......or you may risk losing that which you want to keep the most. 

Blessings!

bestofky

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"God is more interested in changing US than in changing our circumstances. If we allow God to change us, then He'll guide us in how to change our circumstances."

If we "deserved it", it would not be "MERCY".

haveaquestion:

I am also uncomfortable because in this forum they could share private converstations which they could not at work.

They have more freedom to share private conversations at work.  Afterall, you're not at work, but you're clearly reading facebook. 

haveaquestion:

He thinks of it like bumping into someone at the grocery store-a breif chat that's all.  Even though we gave each other the right to "veto" anyone on our friend list, he was upset when I told him I was not comfortable with her on his site. I feel he is going back on his word. He was embarassed to un-friend her because he would see her at work and would feel uncomfotable telling her why.

Your husband has a point about it being like bumping into someone at the grocery store.  If he had bumped into her at the grocery store, would you want him to say "I'm sorry but I can't talk to you at the grocery store because it makes my wife uncomfortable?"

haveaquestion:

I am not wanting to embarass him I just done think it is wise to do, plus I am just private that way and don't want everyone at his work getting to know personal things about us and our children.

Your husband can share details about your family and children while he's at the office.  It seems you are trying to control something that you can't really control.  Anything you wouldn't want the public to know about your family and children shouldn't be on facebook.  And if you truly wanted to control the privacy of your marriage and children, your facebook page wouldn't have been public to begin with. 

haveaquestion:

We actually got into a lengthy discussion over it which then made me feel like he is considering her feelings over mine. This mad me upset and felt like he was being a bit disloyal to me. 

Maybe he feels you are being unreasonable. 

haveaquestion:

I trust him and he gave me his log in codes but I still don't feel like it is very professional or considerate to me. What does the Bible have to say about it?

How much trust did you really have if you needed to have his log in codes? 

haveaquestion:

My guess is that you are a man. I believe that woman have a good sense when a woman may have alternate motives and we pick up on subtle behavior that a man just doesn't notice.

I believe 92 is a female.  For the record, I'm a female too. You can't assume all females think the same way you do. 

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop it. Period.

I mean if you were getting angry and flying off the handle at every interaction he'd ever had with any other woman then I'd suggest that it was more of a you issue, but if this makes you uncomfortable, he should stop, or at the very least be willing to talk about it to try to understand your position. I suspect that if you felt that he truly understood your concerns, rather than trying to dismiss them as it seems he has, that a lot of your discomfort would go away.

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Chaz345

chaz345:

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop it. Period.

I mean if you were getting angry and flying off the handle at every interaction he'd ever had with any other woman then I'd suggest that it was more of a you issue, but if this makes you uncomfortable, he should stop, or at the very least be willing to talk about it to try to understand your position. I suspect that if you felt that he truly understood your concerns, rather than trying to dismiss them as it seems he has, that a lot of your discomfort would go away.

I completely agree.

The fact that you feel as though he is considering her feelings over yours is something that he should take serious.  And is a legitimate hurt to call him on by the way.

Why not suggest that the two of you do a family page.  One page for both of you & only close friends & family members on the list.  Or simply stop the FB participation altogether.  It's not really that important to your marriage is it?  Instead it seems to be having a negative impact on it.

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Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground...

Sorry one other point I want to make.  You asked what is the biblical answer to this issue?

It's that he places you above all others.  Putting your safety, security & marriage above everyone & everything other than Christ.

I don't think he could come up with a scripture that supports the idea that his wife must allow him to have an internet social networking page to "bump into" female co-workers on.

I'm shocked that people are actually buying into the idea that an internet social networking page is equivalant to bumping into a co-worker at the grocery store.  It's not even close to the same.

 

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Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground...

BcauseHeLives:

chaz345:

The fact that it makes you uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop it. Period.

I mean if you were getting angry and flying off the handle at every interaction he'd ever had with any other woman then I'd suggest that it was more of a you issue, but if this makes you uncomfortable, he should stop, or at the very least be willing to talk about it to try to understand your position. I suspect that if you felt that he truly understood your concerns, rather than trying to dismiss them as it seems he has, that a lot of your discomfort would go away.

I completely agree.

The fact that you feel as though he is considering her feelings over yours is something that he should take serious.  And is a legitimate hurt to call him on by the way.

Why not suggest that the two of you do a family page.  One page for both of you & only close friends & family members on the list.  Or simply stop the FB participation altogether.  It's not really that important to your marriage is it?  Instead it seems to be having a negative impact on it.

Agree with Chaz.

Agree with BcauseHeLives as well.

 

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2 Timothy 2:15
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.

I have been/am going through this scenario at the moment with my husband.  In his case, I *know* that there have been private conversations with other women.  I'm not comfortable and not happy about any of it. 

I don't see why co-workers of the opposite sex would need to be on Facebook together.  They see each other every day and can surely have all of their work related conversations during the working day.  It seems a little strange, but maybe it is meant to be just "friendly". 

The fact that he was "upset" when asked to veto this woman would be a red flag to me.  If you have an agreement that each of you can veto people on the other's page, then that should mean exactly what it says. 

Bingo!! You hit the nail on the head and win the prize. That is exactly what I am feeling.

that Bingo- you hit the nail on the head was meant for the chaz comment about listening to my concerns a little better going a long way.

pearsandgrapes and becausehelives also very helpful.  Had a conversation with my husband today and he is seeing my perspective more clearly. He is fine to delete this person and agreed that no matter what-even if it that person would not understand his ignore to their friend request, my feelings have to come first.

I also discovered my own feelings for privacy are stronger than his. I am a very high profile person because of my personality and job. So people tend to think they know me - when they only know OF me.  So we both understand each other better now. He understands now why I might want people at work not to know where we live and so much about us. So we are good. Thanks for the help.

I sure know quite a few who do!