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My huband was previously married for 4 years and divorced in 1994, no children.   We have been married for 9 years and we are blessed with a healthy 6 year old son.  Six months ago, I caught him talking softly on his cell phone when it had rang.  When I confronted him, he said he was preparing a surprise for me for Christmas and gave me all the details.  The following day when I verified what he had said I found out it was a lie.  He then had no choice but to come clean. He said his father told him his ex-mother-in-law had passed away and that he, out of respect went to the funeral. Two months later, my husband then searched for his ex-wife's work number and called.  Needless to say, this first phone call lasted at least 8 months.  I don't know how often he would talk to her during those 8 months.  This has hurt me alot because I trusted my husband 110%.  He not only hid this from me but when I caught him he lied.  It has been a roller coaster ride since December 2008 when I found out. Some days are good, some are bad and some are worst.  Aside from this, he has always been a good, loving, caring husband and wonderful father to our son.  Now, I don't trust him.  I feel betrayed and let down.  If he called for sympathy the first time, what lead to 8 months of "phone conversation"?  He says it was nothing.  That he made a mistake and for me to forgive and forget. On my bad days, he is not understanding, patient.  We spoke to our pastor shortly after this happend and we do have good days but, anything and everything triggers me to doubt.  Although he shows me his cell phone records, if I have any questions he acts hatefully, he gets mad.  I feel he doesn't see the constant battle I have within me, he is not being supportive.  In our bad days, we forget about the Godly ways we are suppose to handle this situation.  In our good days, the Lord is so present in me that I feel nothing and nobody will every damage our marriage.  What's going on?  Is this normal?  Is this part of the healing process?  Nobody in our families know.  This would devaste everyone and I don't want anyone taking sides.  

Sorry to hear about your difficult time.  I'm not sure what type of advice you are looking for, but I think I would ask your husband if he would be willing to seek councel about this.  You mentioned you spoke to your pastor shortly after this happened, but apparently this wasn't resolved.  Nine years is a long time to be married and not see if your marriage can survive this.

I do have a friend, she has two sons, that is divorced and she is a constant in her ex husband's life and vice versa.  Of course the kids are the main connection, but they get along really well and the ex hubby will even check on the dog if she is out of town for an extended time.  Like I said, they do have children that is a permanent bond, but they are still "friends". 

Is it possible your husband just feels as if his ex is a friend?  Does she live close by?  Have you asked your husband why he feels the need to be friends with his ex wife?  This is a tough situation and should be handled delicately and with God giving the guidance and direction. 

Keep praying, but I do believe that I would pursue more in depth couseling.  Nine years is a long time and especially since things were great. 

May God direct you and your actions in this situation.

Angela

 

 

I completely agree with Angela.  You must have trust in your marriage.  Examining the phone records is only hurting your marriage because your husband is probably feeling like he is being accused.  Trust in God that if anything has or is going to happen, He will address the problem.  Something like this has happened to me.  I called a old flame, who knew my family very well, to say my mom died.  My husband saw the call on the phone records and when I came home from work, I found out that he had completely moved out.  I felt I had done nothing wrong.  I thought that he knew how much I loved him, and that if I wanted my old flame, I would be married to my old flame instead.  Your husband may have thought the same, and didn't want to rock the boat my letting you know of his calls to his ex or the funeral.  If he now knows how you feel about the situation, trust him, forgive him, and let it go into the past.  Blessings to you.

wwjd, I think you overlooked the part about the calls lasting 8months. This is IMO not okay. Since there were no children there is no reason to remain "Buddies" with someone you previously shared a life(and bed) with.

The way he handled it was deceitful and hurtful. If he wants to rebuild trust he needs to show as much respect to his current wife as he was trying to show his ex. He needs to understand he breeched trust. True, she needs to forgive, but he needs to show repentance for causing her to not trust him. Like maybe, consider her feelings for a while, by answering some questions.

Any time a spouse hides a relationship from the other spouse it damages the marriage. So in my opinion, the spouse that damaged the marriage should do whatever it takes to mend the damage.

One more thought...... by getting mad and not answering a few questions, he is making this a much bigger issue.

What is he hiding. that he can't answer a few questions?? 

 Is he still keeping secrets from me??

Are my feelings not important enough for him to comfort me with a little information??

See how a betrayed mind works. He needs to put his wife's mind at rest..... and the faster the better.

She needs to pray and not let satan put doubts in her mind. But she should be able to ask any question she wants to.

 

I have asked him if he considers his ex a friend and he has said no.  I do know she lives in the same town we live in and he says there was no need for him to call her. He was just being nice since his father had gone to the funeral.  As far as the calls lasting 8 months, he says it was nothing that they  just spoke about family issues. My problem is trusting him.  In all these 8 months  that they had the phone conversations, I never saw anything diffrent in him or with me or my son.  He was always the same that he is now and has always been.  This is the reason I feel doubts at times because he is the same, loving, caring, always thinking of how to make me and my son happy. A few weeks after I found out what had happened, I made him call her in front of me.  I wanted to know what kind of conversation they would have and in what tone of voice.  Her voice mail pick up and he left a message saying that he was sorry he had ever called her, that I had found out and that he had hurt me alot and that I was a good woman which he loved and didn't want to hurt me or our marriage.  That kept me at ease for awhile but then, things just happen around us, or tv or songs that make me remember how much he hurt me and it all comes back.  I'm not sure myself what advise I am looking for just need to hear from someone. Like I said before our families don't know anything or friends.  It all stays in our home like all other difficuties we've always had (none to this extend).  

It sounds to me like your husband just didn't THINK....duh. I would say in my opinion, that it really didn't mean that much to him. It was still a dumb (and dangerous) thing to do, but I would bet you ended their contact soon enough to avoid any marriage threatening consequences. 

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't buy into the doubts that pop up out of nowhere. Give it some time. It will fade. Push them aside and be thankful for the husband you have. I wouldn't keep reminding him of their talks. Let him concentrate on YOU.  Be the wife God wants you to be, not a paranoid wreck. Don't be blind either. It sounds like you have alot going for the two of you in your marraige. Don't let one stupid act of bad judgement ruin it.

Show grace in forgiving and forgetting.

A few post ago, what I was trying to say is that I have been in this husband's shoes already.  I'm NOT or have NEVER been unfaithful to my husband.  I don't look at other men as a prospect, but since my incident, my husband has been incredibly insecure.  He asks me if "I've found someone else" every other month.  I don't go anywhere without him unless it's my job.  If I left late from work, or ran into a friend, I find my self speeding down the road so that he doesn't question "what took you so long"?  He reminded me of my oops for years afterward, which puts a terrible strain on the marriage.  So what I'm trying to say is, marriage can be challenging enough, much less adding a burden that won't go away.  Should her husband forever kiss her ass because he made a mistake?  I'm sure he is already doing what he can to make up for what he did.  By her pushing the issue, would only push her husband away from her while is finally decides "oh well, I can't win".  Meanwhile, she will doubt everything he does in the future.  I'm saying, let the Lord intervene, forgive him, and let it in the past so that you can resume a happy marriage.

wwjd, I think we basically agree. The length of time needed to regain trust depends on serveral things. The severity of the trust breech, the length, the willingness to repent and become transparent, and the heart of the one that is trying to forgive.

Although the breech of trust described here wasn't as severe in nature, it did last 8 months. I think that is what is bothering this woman. If the husband is willing to be respectful of her feelings, she should be able to get over this in a fairly short time.

In the case of making someone repent for YEARS, well that's just not healthy.  My husband lets me know where he is. It is only polite to call if one is running very late, but grilling your spouse about every little thing for weeks and months won't make you feel secure. It will make you more insecure and make your spouse feel like they live with a warden. 

I forget what passage, but it is probably somewhere in 1 Peter 4, about meditating on things that are pure, lovely, of good report........ This is a good verse to remind you to not concentrate on bad thoughts.

I repeat, don't let this ONE dumb transgression ruin your marriage. If it became a pattern, that would be different. But just this one..... forgive him and live "Happily Ever After".

 

 

The Lord is working in my marriage.  After posting my situation here and reading everyone's input, I have felt much better.  I have come to realize that my husband is not made up of only that one situation.......he is a good man that made a mistake.  Granted, I don't trust him like I used too but, I have faith in the Lord and him that all will come back within time.  I will push away all those ugly thoughts and keep giving my marriage all I have and enjoy his loving character towards me and my son.  God bless to all!!!

Thanks.

looking4advise:

The Lord is working in my marriage.  After posting my situation here and reading everyone's input, I have felt much better.  I have come to realize that my husband is not made up of only that one situation.......he is a good man that made a mistake.  Granted, I don't trust him like I used too but, I have faith in the Lord and him that all will come back within time.  I will push away all those ugly thoughts and keep giving my marriage all I have and enjoy his loving character towards me and my son.  God bless to all!!!

Thanks.

Thats wonderful.The part about your husband not being made up of that one situation.Thats the problem sometimes.Once there is a breach..It seems to be front and center to a point you are blinded to everything else good.The entire past ..the present..and the future is all uncertain over this one event.You cant let your self get stuck there.

God Bless You too!

Love

Dallas