A Christian organization helping couples build healthier marriages and families.
Hey ladies! I'm going to post some links & articles to this topic. I think it would be beneficial to those reading at this site if we did a separate study on DV here in the women's forum.
The first thing I did is go to Wikipedia to find out what they know on the subject. Following is the link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence
There is some really good information in this long discription of it. Some study results, etc.
Please feel free to post whatever you feel led to on this topic.
Here is another article I found on DV. I'm going to post portions of the article but for the full article please follow the link:
"Domestic violence is about power and control. The abuser wants to dominate the victim/survivor and wants all the power in the relationship-and uses violence in order to establish and maintain authority and power. Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually not sick or deranged, but have learned abusive, manipulative techniques and behaviors that allow them to dominate and control others and obtain the responses they desire."
And...
"Domestic violence victims will often blame their own behavior, rather than the violent actions of the abuser. Victims may try continually to alter their behavior and circumstances in order to please the abuser-believing that if they follow certain rules and make sure the abuser is happy-they will not be hurt. However, violence perpetrated by abusers is often self-driven and depends little on victims' actions or words.
Domestic violence victims may minimize the seriousness of incidents in order to cope, and not seek medical attention or assistance when needed. Victims, because they fear the perpetrator and may be ashamed of their situation, may be reluctant to disclose the abuse to family, friends, work, the authorities, or victim assistance professionals. As a consequence, they may suffer in silence and isolation."
Full article found here...
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32347
Here is a couple of sites that talks about myths & facts of DV:
http://www.bghealth.org/myths_&_facts.htm
http://www.mvwcs.com/mythfact.html
An article from FamilyLife:
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nl/content3.asp?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3584679&ct=4639661
BcauseHeLives: Here is another article I found on DV. I'm going to post portions of the article but for the full article please follow the link: "Domestic violence is about power and control. The abuser wants to dominate the victim/survivor and wants all the power in the relationship-and uses violence in order to establish and maintain authority and power. Perpetrators of domestic violence are usually not sick or deranged, but have learned abusive, manipulative techniques and behaviors that allow them to dominate and control others and obtain the responses they desire." And... "Domestic violence victims will often blame their own behavior, rather than the violent actions of the abuser. Victims may try continually to alter their behavior and circumstances in order to please the abuser-believing that if they follow certain rules and make sure the abuser is happy-they will not be hurt. However, violence perpetrated by abusers is often self-driven and depends little on victims' actions or words. Domestic violence victims may minimize the seriousness of incidents in order to cope, and not seek medical attention or assistance when needed. Victims, because they fear the perpetrator and may be ashamed of their situation, may be reluctant to disclose the abuse to family, friends, work, the authorities, or victim assistance professionals. As a consequence, they may suffer in silence and isolation." Full article found here... http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32347
What I do know and believe about dv and other forms of abuse it is often the victim who blames themselves for something they did or said that caused the abuse. Often, the abuser will even place the blame onto the victim. Both of those directions are false! The victim is not responsible for the abuse rather the abuser made a choice. The victim is not responsible for legal or non legal consquences of the abusers actions. The victim is not responsible for the abuser getting help, the abuser is responsible for coming to appoint of admitting they need help and getting it. That does not mean that a spouse can't support them as they get help of course they can support and encourage them as well as family and friends. My point is only that it's not victims load to carry of whether they get help or not.
Disclaimer: I trust that whatever comments that I make in this women's area discussion will be left to this area and not carried over to another area of the forum. I trust that anyone outside of this thread who may have a question or concern about something I post here just pm their question or concern. Thank You.
This Woman You Gave Me, Lord! - "This Woman You Gave Me, Lord!" is Chapter Three from The Man of Her Dreams/ The Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson. In it Joel tells what it took to come to grips with his part in their marriage problems. The Davissons minister a strong word of marriage restoration drawn from their years of struggle, and the victory they now live. Paul Hegstrom: From "Fists and Fury" to Reconciliation and Peace - For the man who batters, the woman who feels trapped, and the pastor, counselor, or friend who desperately want to help them both, Hegstrom points the way back to wholeness and freedom. Preparation4Eternity - A wise counselor once said, "The way men and women deal with shame is reflected in their anatomy. Men externalize and women internalize." Charis suggests that ladies keep in mind that Kim writes to husbands - gently and humbly calling them to accountability. Enjoy this refreshing testimony and resist internalizing!
This Woman You Gave Me, Lord! - "This Woman You Gave Me, Lord!" is Chapter Three from The Man of Her Dreams/ The Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson. In it Joel tells what it took to come to grips with his part in their marriage problems. The Davissons minister a strong word of marriage restoration drawn from their years of struggle, and the victory they now live.
Paul Hegstrom: From "Fists and Fury" to Reconciliation and Peace - For the man who batters, the woman who feels trapped, and the pastor, counselor, or friend who desperately want to help them both, Hegstrom points the way back to wholeness and freedom.
Preparation4Eternity - A wise counselor once said, "The way men and women deal with shame is reflected in their anatomy. Men externalize and women internalize." Charis suggests that ladies keep in mind that Kim writes to husbands - gently and humbly calling them to accountability. Enjoy this refreshing testimony and resist internalizing!
pooh girl: What I do know and believe about dv and other forms of abuse it is often the victim who blames themselves for something they did or said that caused the abuse. Often, the abuser will even place the blame onto the victim. Both of those directions are false! The victim is not responsible for the abuse rather the abuser made a choice. The victim is not responsible for legal or non legal consquences of the abusers actions. The victim is not responsible for the abuser getting help, the abuser is responsible for coming to appoint of admitting they need help and getting it. That does not mean that a spouse can't support them as they get help of course they can support and encourage them as well as family and friends. My point is only that it's not victims load to carry of whether they get help or not.
Psalm 63:A friend of mine recommends this one as the best one she has read on an abusive marriage:When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships
Pooh GREAT post!
For SO many years I got caught up in the idea that it was my fault & if I just would do this or that things would change. Tried just about everything my brain could imagine, until it got through to me that it wasn't my brokeness that caused him to treat me the way he did...it was his brokeness & I couldn't change that.
So I decided to focus on what I could, which was/is healing of my own heart from hurts that go back from childhood through my marriage.
I'm learning how to place proper/healthy boundaries in my marriage. More than any of that I'm growing closer to the Lord so I thank Him for the hard times that pushed me into His arms.
We have a long road, but He's there with us all the way!
(Pooh going to borrow your disclaimer, hope you don't mind.)
Psalm 63:pooh,I would just like to point out that the victim attending counseling alone is very important and valuable. She will learn to establish better boundaries and to detach from the abuser better- not taking his judgments to heart. An abuser may be reluctant or entirely resistant to counseling. Their denial is a strong force and they don't want their relationship dynamic exposed to someone with training and discernment. I would encourage her to KEEP GOING ALONE! He may use the counseling to blame her, everything is "her problem" and that is why she is in counseling and he isn't. He may use that against her with others. She needs to know that seeking counseling is a sign of STRENGTH, not weakness. Getting help is WISE.The best Christian books out there for a woman in a difficult marriage are IMO:Boundaries in MarriageSacred InfluenceA friend of mine recommends this one as the best one she has read on an abusive marriage:When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships(The links go to google books where you can read large sections of the books for free.)Sacred Influence
BcauseHeLives: Pooh GREAT post! For SO many years I got caught up in the idea that it was my fault & if I just would do this or that things would change. Tried just about everything my brain could imagine, until it got through to me that it wasn't my brokeness that caused him to treat me the way he did...it was his brokeness & I couldn't change that. So I decided to focus on what I could, which was/is healing of my own heart from hurts that go back from childhood through my marriage. I'm learning how to place proper/healthy boundaries in my marriage. More than any of that I'm growing closer to the Lord so I thank Him for the hard times that pushed me into His arms. We have a long road, but He's there with us all the way! (Pooh going to borrow your disclaimer, hope you don't mind.) Disclaimer: I trust that whatever comments that I make in this women's area discussion will be left to this area and not carried over to another area of the forum. I trust that anyone outside of this thread who may have a question or concern about something I post here just pm their question or concern. Thank You.
Yikes? Disclaimers now! Sighhhhhhh!
Its a sad statement for this board if that is needed.
I guess I missed alot of the drama recently. My FIL died suddenly right before the Superbowl. We are all running around trying to deal with the plans now.
I have to say I have never to a board that I felt like I had to watch my every word, and be careful with every statement because assumptions were always made about my motives. I realize people will say that is not so, and to me its so odd. For a faith board - no offense to anyone - it seems it truly isn't safe here.
We have had to deal with DV at our church, and unless you come head on with it you truly don't have clue. Its one of those things you don't get until you are upfront and personal with it. I don't believe in the gender aspect at all - as I believe it happens to both. I also don't believe after my eyes had been opened how it is a small percentage either. There are levels of it, and we just never had fully dealt with it. I will have to go and find my list, and post it here for yall.
Christbewithyou,
Sorry for the loss of your fil and my prayers are with your family!
Christbewithyou: Yikes? Disclaimers now! Sighhhhhhh! Its a sad statement for this board if that is needed. I guess I missed alot of the drama recently. My FIL died suddenly right before the Superbowl. We are all running around trying to deal with the plans now. I have to say I have never to a board that I felt like I had to watch my every word, and be careful with every statement because assumptions were always made about my motives. I realize people will say that is not so, and to me its so odd. For a faith board - no offense to anyone - it seems it truly isn't safe here. We have had to deal with DV at our church, and unless you come head on with it you truly don't have clue. Its one of those things you don't get until you are upfront and personal with it. I don't believe in the gender aspect at all - as I believe it happens to both. I also don't believe after my eyes had been opened how it is a small percentage either. There are levels of it, and we just never had fully dealt with it. I will have to go and find my list, and post it here for yall.
I'm so sorry to hear that your FIL passed away...hugs to you & prayers for your family.
I completely agree that DV is not gender specific. I also agree that the statistics don't mean much (to me anyway) because of the fact that there are so many that just won't talk about it. I think it's hard for both genders to face that they are being abused, but I can see how it would be hard for men to talk about it too.
I'm not sure, should we limit this discussion to female DV victims because it's in the women's forum? What do you all think? Should we talk about the full scope of it w/out gender basis?
Maybe it's just one of those things I should not over think & just let happen...I'm praying & leaving this thread in God's hands. I honestly feel it is a very important one.
God bless!
