jjaaam69:Hello all,
I'm new here and this is my first post...so bear with me if this kind of question has been asked before.
Me and my wife seem to always get to heated conversations about even the smallest issues. I will say first off that I can definitely realize when I am wrong. I may not like it, but I do (most times) try to apologize for jumping the gun and losing my temper.
The big issue I have is that my wife literally NEVER will admit that she could possibly be wrong. She always thinks that since she feels her opinion or views on an issue feel OK to her that she is right.
From what I have read it has to be a two-way street. She has to see that she may have some part of the problem. I already know that I contribute to the problems...but she just can't see that.
Short of always arguing and saying "you can never admit you are wrong" and getting things all fired up, what can I do? It just seems extremely unfair for me to have to ALWAYS be the one to suck it in.
I don't know...maybe I'm missing the boat here. Can anyone help?
Thanks!
Yes, first stop thinking of it as right and wrong, especially if it's not. Many issues are merely matters of preference. I.E. do you put the TP rolling over, or under.
Instead, what I suspect you really want is to be heard. You want your wife to value your perspective, even if she doesn't agree with it. I.E. you would like to hear her say, "I can understand why you like the TP to go over on the roll."
Since you see it, you have to go first. You have to demonstrate validating how she feels, what she believes on a particular issue.
An example from my marriage is our political views. I'm more conservative than my wife. But I try to see things from her point of view. If your wife is like most people, they are not looking for someone to fall into line with their thinking. But they do want to be heard and appreciated for having their point of view.
So perhaps you could practice this sort of validation. That doesn't mean you have to agree. It just means you disagree with respect and understanding.
You probably discuss things to win her to your side. That probably will not work. There will be things you disagree about. The question is how many really matter?
Let me look at one final example, such as finances. Let's say you are a saver and she's a spender. It's unlikely you'll change that, so how do you embrace it? You set clearly agreed upon boundaries. You both negotiate a value you are comfortable with her spending. If she stays in this boundary she agreed upon, no problem. If she violates the boundary without pre-emptive re-negotiation before she does it, you express to her how that impacts your feelings. I.E. "I do not feel valued or respected when you agree to limit spending to X amount and then spend more." Also, suggest a resolution, "I would like you to come to me if you have to spend more BEFORE you do it so we can make an accomodation we both agree upon."
It's not easy and the only real right answer is that you both find ways to understand one another. Understanding is far more valuable than being right.
It is illogical to argue logic with someone unwilling to examine more than his/her feelings on a matter.
