Adoption and Church Orphans Ministry

Re: Why NOT adopt?

Floating Feather — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:37:18 GMT

I've not adopted before, but my husband has expressed an interest. He mentioned the bible speaks of adoption alot and that we are 'adopted' into the family of God, that it is one of the greatest things you can do.

I'm not against, but I'm not ready to dive into it either. We are a blended family, his children are grown, mine are 16 and 13. I've had alot of problems with my ex husband and son and I've suffered alot of abuse at their expense-my ex was a spousal rapist, a verbal and emotional abuser to me and son, and got physical with son on numerous occasions.

I wanted out as I was miserable, in a church that the doctrine said all the people who aren't in their 'religion' are worshipping in vain and are condemed already. I did it to protect myself and my son.

As it turned out, my ex turned my son against me and it just got ugly. As a result I have PTSD (post traumatic stress) and anxiety.

I get angry at times due to my ex, as I feel I got gyped out of alot of good years with my kids when they were little, as the stress was always there, it was just take one day at a time and now all those days are so numerous.

My husband now is a great man of God. He worries that I shouldn't have anymore biological children, as I've had nothing but problems with my 'female parts' for years, I feel like the woman with the 'issue of blood'. I'm probably facing a hystectomy in the near future. He doesn't want to put my body through that, and I can see where he is coming from.

So yesterday when he brought up the adoption I was floored. I stayed silent and just pondered things in my heart and didn't give my thoughts on it yet.

I'm mainly just concerened at the 'drama' that still exists with my ex, my age-I'm 37, and what I've been through. I work full time and would love the opportunity to stay home for the first few years as I never got that with my first two. I'd love the opportunity to work around my child's schedule when they start school. That has never happened before.

I know the Lord knows knows our hearts desires when we express them to Him. I know He works things out in ways we cannot imagine. I guess I'm mainly seeking prayers and His guidance and just wanted to share.

I'm not sure how to feel about it, how long to wait to act, or if even to.

Re: Why NOT adopt?

RED SHIFT1 — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:48:26 GMT

Yeah, I imagine those are the main reasons why so many couples don't want to adopt: law and money.

I say law because of the legal red tape. I had friend who decided that he and his wife would adopt a child from some agency. He said "I knew there would be a foot or two of red tape..." But after it was over (6 months later) he said "It turned out to be a mile....".

Also, there is the fear that the birth parents (or mother in some cases I have read) will get the child back. This has happened. Here is the best article I have read about this in some time:

"Every so often, another wrenching story of a contested adoption is in the news. Television cameras capture a heartbreaking scene: a frightened, sobbing child being taken away from the adoptive parents, to be handed over to biological parents whom the child has never met. The latest such drama unfolded recently in Jacksonville, Fla., where 3-year-old Evan Parker Scott has been returned to his birth mother after the adoption was annulled because it took place without the birth father's consent. In these cases, public sympathy is typically on the side of the adoptive parents—while the unwed father is often assigned the role of villain. He's seen as a feckless good-for-nothing who wants the rights of a father just because he took the trouble to impregnate a woman. Sometimes, the popular perception may be justified. (Evan Scott's biological father apparently has a history of drug abuse and violence, including toward the mother when she was pregnant.) But then there are the other cases.

Take the story of a New York City police officer identified in legal papers only as Robert O. When his ex-girlfriend found out she was pregnant shortly after their breakup, she decided not to tell Robert and arranged an adoption. Eventually, the couple got back together and married—and one day, Robert learned that he had a 17-month-old son. His quest for paternal rights ended in defeat in 1992; the courts held that Robert had only himself to blame for not keeping in touch with his former girlfriend and not knowing about her pregnancy.

In 2000, a 19-year-old Iowa man, Dale Heidbreder, got quite a shock when he found out that his former girlfriend Katie Carton, who had gone to stay with her grandparents in Minnesota after their breakup, had given birth to a girl and put her up for adoption. (Carton had refused to tell Heidbreder where she was but had stayed in touch by e-mail and assured him that she would not give up the baby.)

He filed papers with the Minnesota registry which allows men to claim parental rights and block an adoption. However, he missed the registration deadline—30 days from the child's birth—by one day. He sued and lost.

In recent years, some unwed fathers have been more successful in court, though not in the court of public opinion. Otakar Kirchner, the father of "Baby Richard," was vilified in the press after he managed to regain custody of his son. The boy was born when Kirchner was away on business in his native Czech Republic; the mother, Daniela Janikova, had decided to break up with Kirchner after hearing rumors of his infidelity. She lied to him that the child had died at birth and repeatedly frustrated his attempts to track down the boy.

Biological paternity isn't everything; but it isn't nothing, either. Where is the sympathy for fathers who lose their children through no fault of theirs? Would we be more sympathetic if a woman's baby were taken away at the hospital and placed for adoption without her knowledge because the birth father signed the adoption papers?

The father in such a case faces a strong presumption of guilt. It is readily assumed that if the mother doesn't want him involved, he's either abusive or terminally irresponsible. In society's eyes, when a man doesn't want to marry his child's mother, he must be a cad; when a woman doesn't want to marry the father, he must be a creep.

People can believe that a man would wage a lengthy legal battle out of spite at his ex-girlfriend; yet many won't allow that a woman could want to deny her ex-boyfriend his child for equally base reasons. We stigmatize and prosecute men who refuse to support their children, but not women who willfully conspire to keep a father away from his child.

It's particularly bizarre to place the burden on the man to find out if the woman is pregnant, considering that she's the one with direct knowledge of her condition. Indeed, if a man took such steps after the woman had told him she wanted no further contact, he could be considered a stalker.

In the end, our society sends men quite a mixed message. If your partner gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby, you're liable for 18 years of child support, whether or not you want to be a father. If she doesn't want to be a mother, she can give your child to strangers and there isn't much you can do. Then we complain that men don't take parenthood seriously enough. "

As you can see adoption can be complicated.

Re: Why NOT adopt?

PearsandGrapes — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 16:21:37 GMT

I think a lot of people are afraid to enter into adoption. The fear that the baby might be "given back" or that the adoption might fall through...and the fear of the "problems" that might arise if one adopts out of the foster care system.

As an example; when we were in the process and waiting for our dd, we got a call from our worker about a three year old girl, whose adoptive mother no longer wanted her because she felt the child had an attachment disorder and didn't love her (the mother) enough. :( Broke my heart. I wept for *days* over that little girl and prayed endlessly for her. I never heard what ended up happening...sad. I had several well meaning people try and "warn" us to be careful and ask if we had really thought through bringing a child "like that" into our lives. :(

The adoption workers did pull no punches at our home-study and painted a pretty bleak picture of what baggage a child from the system carries with them. It did make us question if we were made of tough enough stuff...

I also think that cost is a factor in adoption. My dh and I always wanted to adopt, but just figured that we never could because of how much private adoption costs. We were delighted to find that adoption through fost/adopt was *much* less costly monetarily.

Adoption has been a wonderful blessing in our family. A roller coaster through the process, but a blessing none the less. I wouldn't trade my sweet lil' one for the world! We got her at 21 days old, and so we are all she knows. She knows that she is adopted and how *GLAD* we are to have her come and "finish our family". My dh and I were hugging and being goofy on the couch a few weeks ago, she rushed over to us saying, "ooooh, a family hug!" and dog piled on us, squeezing us with all her might. She tried really hard to convince her brothers and sister to come join us in our family hug. Ü She then sighed and said, "Ahh, family! I am *REALLY* glad to have one, you know?"

Just precious.

Re: Why NOT adopt?

hopeful79 — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 03:55:45 GMT

It's hard for me to answer this question since I just adopted my beautiful twin baby girls. I can only speculate reasons. I know a friend of mine desperately wants to adopt but can't because her husband doesn't feel he could love a non-biological child like he does his bio son. She's praying for God to work in his heart. Others may "want" to adopt but can't because of finances. But like I said, I could only speculate. Adoption has always been close to my heart. Like you, I can't imagine my life without my babies. Not to mention we have a good relationship with their bmom. She is a beautiful woman and we are blessed to have gotten to know her. This has been a wonderful blessing in our lives and God is using this not just in our lives but in the lives of our friends and family who don't even know Him.

Why NOT adopt?

daspan16 — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:59:51 GMT

I readily admit that I am a "pro-adopter", someone that has adopted and sees the huge and incredible blessing that adoption can be to any family. When I look at my son - now 4 years old - it's tough to think about how life would be without him around. Although the Lord has blessed us with 3 biological kids, He has done a great thing in our family, opening our eyes to so much beyond what we could otherwise ever expect to enjoy.

All that being said, my question to those that are not looking down that path is simple: Why not adopt? Have you seriously considered it as an alternative? And if not, why not?

This is not meant to be a slam on those that have purposefully considered it and decided it was not God's leading, but is a means to initiate dialogue around the basic decision-making process.

Blessings!