Women's Forum

angry husband

ricksgirl08 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:00:24 GMT

I'm a middle-age newlywed, married just a year and a half. Third time around for both of us. I met my husband in Sunday School, and after 2 failed marriages, I made certain to pay attention before committing to marriage. I was sure he was God's gift to me.

About 6 months into our marriage, as we were having a discussion and I tried to get some clarification to resolve an issue, he slammed a dinner plate down, shattering it to pieces, food flying everywhere, and raged on for what seemed like forever. I was in total shock, and terrified.

One night he blessed the food and thanked God for his "Proverbs 31 wife." Shortly after, we had another World War in the dining room.

Similar scenarios have occurred since then, always when I'm expressing a feeling, asking a question to clarify, or trying to resolve a marital concern. He's broken chairs (which put holes in the ceiling, wall and floor), thrown potted plants, yelled obscenities, and threatened divorce. I don't yell back, I try to diffuse the situation, I try to be rational and get him to tell me what I've done/said that sets him off. Still I'm clueless as to why he would react so violently when he's often said that "every marriage has its conflicts."

I've told him several times that "we" need to get help with his anger problem. He refuses. I once asked him if he had these outbursts with his previous wife, and he said yes. When I asked her how she reacted, he said she was also afraid. He almost seemed to be proud of that fact, and that shocked me as well. Yes, he's a believer, and he reads his Bible daily and attends a men's Bible study every week.

He's made several things clear since we were married: he relishes his alone time, he doesn't want me to initiate sex (that's his job), and he will NOT go for marriage counseling. All of these things are quite contrary to what we had discussed before we married--more confusion.

Bottom line: I'm afraid to be myself with him--to be open and honest and work to resolve the still unanswered questions I have about our marriage. As long as I keep my mouth shut and smile pretty, everything's fine, and he's a gentleman. But then I feel guilty for not really being honest, and so I feel trapped between fear and guilt. I don't know how to pray anymore, I don't know how to "be" with my husband, I'm very confused and lonely, and I don't know how to handle this properly. I feel we are more "roommates" than husband and wife.

I'm open to suggestions.

Trying to keep the faith

needhealing — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:28:59 GMT

Hi Ladies,

I just joined tonight as I've read posts before and believe this is a good start to hopefully getting some additional help/insight to deal with personal and marriage matters. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, no kids. This is my 2nd marriage as my first husband and I divorced after 2 plus years, and we were both Christians. My husband now was used to being on his own until he was about 29 or so, and although we go to Church together and have devotionals when we are not arguing (I use that word loosely as they can get loud and we've both said and done things that were not appropriate. No physical abuse just to be clear, however we are both emotionally killing each other), things keep getting worse. I must also mention that things started getting worse for us about 2 years ago, and then even more so last summer when I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Panic Disorder and general anxiety in addition to dealing with depression at times. Having all of that to deal with along with family, friend and work issues has just got us to the breaking point too many times. I cannot say for certain that it was God's will for me to marry my husband b/c even though I prayed about it, I was in a different place in life after my divorce. That said, I know it's NOT God's will for us to divorce (even though I have before, it was wrong then as well). What I'm hoping someone can tell me is how to keep hope and faith and be respectful even when he yells at me so much. On one hand he does not think his anger is normal, but he also suggests that it's b/c of me, he said I cannot be pleased. He's only ever had one other somewhat serious girlfriend before me and that was years ago, so I don't feel he really has any comparison. He gets angry with me and therefore associates it with me. By no means is this all his fault. I've said things I wish I could take back, and although I am seeking God in this, there are plenty of times..like tonight I just don't know why God is allowing me..really both of us to go through this, I get upset with God and want to just leave b/c I feel sad and alone. I know I'm supposed to trust God, I just get to my wits end all too often. I don't know if any of this has made sense, I'm just pouring out my heart and hoping someone our there much wiser than myself has some words of hope.

Thank you.

Healing from sexual sin

bestillandknow7 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:26:19 GMT

I've been dating a man for about a year and half now.
When I met him, we were actually working together, and our work relationship grew into a romantic relationship.
I learned early on that he was not a virgin, which I suspected even before we started dating. However, I thought I would be capable of forgiving him and moving on in a healthy manner.
I had no idea what was in store for me. I learned he was still friends with his ex, which I proclaimed was completely unacceptable. I could not and still do not understand why he was still friends with her! Well, their friendship ended, but she still proceeded to pursue a friendship with him, even after he had been dating me for two months, then three months, and it finally stopped about 6 months into our relationship. He was not responsive, but the pursuit, even still, angered and infuriated me.
I still have a lot of anger and hurt from what happened early on in our relationship and what he gave up before being married-his purity. Our relationship has become a lot stronger now than it was during the beginning of our relationship.
Even still, I am finding myself haunted by his past. I frequently compare myself to his ex, her abilities to mine, nearly anything you can think of-I have compared it. I have even had several dreams in which she is present- trying to steal him back. He doesn't want her back and I know he admires me and loves me so much. With all that knowledge, I just cannot seem to shake away my anger and hurt. I desperately want to heal and I understand healing takes time, but I feel like there must be something I can do or some advice I can listen to that may be helpful in a way I have not experienced thus far.
So, my question for those of you who may have experienced something similar is, how do you heal or how are you healing from the sexual sin of your boyfriend, fiance, or spouse?
I am desperate for your wisdom and advice.

Something's got a strong hold on me...

ashamed2callmeHisown — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:58:35 GMT

Earlier this year, I re-dedicated my life back to the Lord. Prior to that, I was on a 10-yr stretch of basically destroying my life - personal destruction of it anyways. The first few months after the rededication, my life for and with God was amazingly beautiful, as I saw the change that was happening inside and outside of me!

The last, i'd say month, however, my past has been coming back to haunt me. I really feel like Satan has a very intense strong-hold on me and will NOT let go.

Can I first say, I am a member on this site, but due to the details of this post, I want to remain unknown. I know it's probably silly, but, I know that some posters on here may look up to me, and my feelings are that, if those particular posters knew the "truth" of me, they may not view me the same. Please do not judge me, I've had plenty of it from my past, present, and again the past coming up!

I know that with Mark Schultz lyrics to Broken and Beautiful come into mind. But there are things from my past, which I sit there and think, "how can God love me, even call me his child, after knowing the things I've done...the things I allowed to be done to me...the things forced upon me, etc, etc." I really need a girlfriend (a bosom friend) to talk to - something I've never really had. I had my best friend, that passed away about a year 1/2 ago, and he knew EVERYTHING about me - the good, the bad...but now he's gone, and I feel I have NO ONE to talk to...and even if I did, I feel (due to past so-called friendships)that they will judge me for my past!

Our sermon/message in church yesterday - pastor said, YOU are the one who chose to go down that path, no one MADE you do it - - you only have yourself to blame, NOT God...and I'm not trying to blame God. You know, they have ways of blocking particular websites on a computer - why can't there be a block to put on my memories in life. Here it goes...

Prior to my relationship that I'm in now (with a wonderful God loving Christian man, which I'm so thankful to have in my life! I thank God daily for bringing us together!), I was in two previous longterm, serious relationships, both of which were what I like to call "sexual viruses"!!! My previous longterm relationship, was with a boyfriend, and the one previous was with my ex-husband, and that's where I will start...well, actually I'll back up to when I was a pre-teen.

I was sexually abused by my father. Sometimes in life, a person will have something so traumatizing, that they will bury the pain so deep, that they tend to forget about it, until later on in life (when sometimes it will come out in counseling sessions - that's my story). That started the spiral, though, after "burying" the pain, and forgetting basically, my father died. Well, from the age of 21 and on, I let guys do whatever to me - cuz I wanted to feel some sort of feeling of love and affection, even if it was the bad kind! When I was 22, I met my now ex-husband. We dated for a year, before we got married. That's when it really all started for me. I've tried explaining it to my fiancee, that prior to him, it was almost like i was a sexual virgin, though, I was sexually active. The things that happened and that I was exposed to in that relationship ruined my outlook on sex between a husband & wife! Where sex between a married couple should be loving and tender, was, in my marriage, diseased and made me want to vomit. First off, my XH was abusive, physically. But during that time of my life, I was young, so I blamed it on myself. I thought that there was something I wasn't doing, so he would beat me up! I was young, stupid, I was on so many types of anti-depressants, to help me deal with my past, which had come back to haunt me, from a counseling session I'd had, while dating my XH. I was really messed up, and then having to go thru what I did with my XH made it even worse. Some examples of what my husband forced on me, to the point that if I didn't do it, which, at first, I refused to and got yelled at extremely, or beaten...

* prostitution (his friends paid him 2 have sex with me)
* the swinging lifestyle (i refused to do it, but was forced to watch him participate)
* pornography (watching, and almost forced to make them!)

and the worst...
* beastiality

After going thru all this emotional stuff, and then finding out about the affair, & recieving a gift from my XH - the kind that keeps on giving & doesn't go away, I left the marriage and got a divorce, upon my mothers' advice (but she didn't know the half of it!). After divorcing, my mom kept in close contact/friendship w/my XH, which to this day, has been something that's always bothered me.

Ok, so to help me thru the pain and disgust of my marriage, I immediately jumped into a new relationship. I'd say about 5-6 mnths after my divorce was final, I started dating my XBF. I told him about "some" stuff when we first started dating, but really didn't dive into details until about a year after we were dating. We were together for a total of about 6 years. So, yeah, about a year into our relationship, after we had moved in together, I told him details. Maybe if I hadn't told him some of the stuff that I went thru, things would've turned out differently.

I told him about the prostitution and the swing lifestyle, and the latter of it turned him on. Can I also say that, not only physical, but mental and emotional abuse as well, went on in this relationship. I think the mental was the worst, because for 6 years, I stayed in the relationship, made to feel like I was a pc of crap & that no one else would want to be with me!

So after telling him that, he wanted to find out more about the swing lifestyle, so much that we got into doing it. We would go to "parties/events" almost every wknd. I've lost count of the couples that we "played" with...it's sickening, I know, you don't have to remind me! Maybe about a year into that, I broke down and told him about the beastiality that was forced...and what'd'ya know, it turned him on so much, that he insisted i do things w/his dog! Can I barf now? He gave me a bloody nose when I told him no. He gave me a black eye when I refused him a 2nd time. He caused my lip to bleed badly, amongst other bruising, when I refused him the 3rd time, and was forced into doing things with his dog...while he sat back, pleasured himself and laughed! Finally, after 6 years, and with the help of my mom (she only knew about the mental/emotional abuse, but didn't like what she witnessed!), I was able to leave the relationship. It was a month after moving back home, in with my mother, that I rededicated my life back to Christ. Up until that point, I hated who I'd let myself become. I wanted to die. And my self-image had become broken, like a mirror. That all changed the day I got baptized. And it was truthfully a joy-ride up until now...

All these things have recently come up, because I've been having trouble with temptation. I've withstood the temptation, and haven't fallen into it...but since I've done that, it's like the devil has so much of a strong-hold on me...and I can't get away. I want my slate wiped clean, and my memories to go along with it!!! But that's the things with memories - it's like once you've seen something, it's forever stuck in your memory, unless, the slight chance happens that you're in a bad enuf accident, that you lose your memory. I wouldn't want to be in an accident...but I wish there were parts of my memories that I didn't remember! Why can't God, when he wipes your past clean, also take away the memories of what was!?

Yes, I'm extrememly upset! I'm crying as I type all these words. I'm worried. I know that some of you will read this post and immediately judge...let you who is without sin, cast the first stone! I only say this, because, I've told someone about what I went thru, and then quit attending their church, and now when I see them around town, they talk about me to other people. People I don't really know, know what I've gone thru!

I've read books, but I don't feel different...I've read, and re-read "when godly people do ungodly things"...and books on temptation and pasts that haunt...

I'm just not sure what to do. I know one thing though, having to go thru all this alone is really starting to take its' tole on me!

For those of you who have/haven't...thanks for listening to me with an unjudgemental heart!

seeking God's will with starting a family

melaney25 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:21:31 GMT

My husband and I have been married 1.5 years and are positioning ourselves financially to start a family and hopefully can welcome a baby into the world sometime next fall or winter.
Over the last few months I have also getting myself ready, going to the doctor, taking vitamins, reading prenatal books etc.
I have always considered that being able to have a baby a gift from God. I believe as a mother I am called to raise His children in a godly home and I pray that we can plant the seeds in our children so they will be children of God through out their lifespan.
In the business of life and preparation it has suddenly dawned on me that I haven't checked in with God about His will for me. Even though the bank books check out, my health is in order, my husband's and my hearts are ready, is this something God wants for us, and is this His timing for us. I've been in prayer about this question and am praying to hear God's will for mine/our lives. In the mean time do we go along with our plans, perhaps God will reveal it by me getting pregnant or not. Do we wait until we hear something?
Have other women gone through this wondering? My ultimate desire is to seek and follow God's will. My desire is to know His will for us. However I am not clear, perhaps what I think is His will isn't and I don't want to make this big of a decision without knowing what He wants.

Pray for me and my family

jarandle — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Please pray for us. I feel as if I am in a hopeless situation. There are too many things to mention but I will tell you one issue. I left my husband for three years mainly because he had an affair. We had no contact with each other(including our children) which I now regret. In July he wrote me many letters saying that he was sorry about everything and that he wanted us back. It is now October. We are all back together and the honeymoon is so over. I am a stay at home mom again to our four boys and am expecting our last child. I should also say that we both had extramarrital affairs during the separation. I had two one-timers. He had a series of affairs over two years. We discussed these relationships and I've repented. I know what God wants for us. A complete turnaround. I'm not so sure where my husband is. He claims that he had a another affair since we've reconciled because he thought I up and left with the kids again(our phone wasn't working and we couldnt reach each other ). I forgave him but I don't trust him. We both know that we need counseling fast.. We have arguments about our rocky past and his ongoing affairs. I have expressed my anger in negative ways. I've sworn and have thrown things. Now he says he doesn't like the person i've become and the way I'm handling things. So I'm on the couch a good part of the week, torn to pieces. I'm appologising to him but I don't get any in return. Last night I went to our bed. I pleased him sexually to express that I am still here for him and that I'LL DO anything to keep him in our bed. We didn't say a word to each other. I was dissapointed he didn't verbally respond to me at all but I am patient enough to wait. There are a slew of issues. I have a history of depression and am going through one now. I have no transportation so I am homebound. My husband doesn't have me on his car insurance so he must drive me.PLEASE PRAY FOR A BREAKTHROUGH.

2012: The movie....what's your thoughts?

GloryBPhotography — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:00:08 GMT

My fiancee got us tickets for the movie coming out this friday 2012.

I know it's only a movie, however, it seems everyone i know is talking about how the world is going to end 12/21/12...it's scary to think about it. My fiancee and I talk, that if the world did end, it sucks, cuz we've only gotten to enjoy 2 years of marriage together (silly, yes, i know). Again, I know that ONLY God knows when the world will end...

But, what are some thoughts from everyone else on the forum here?

Needing some wise, seasoned mommy advice with a toddler issue--My 2 and a half yr old son WON'T pray out loud, and wants me to do it for him.

Proverbs31girl — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:24:17 GMT

my 2 yr old won't pray out loud anymore at all-with anyone. It doesn't matter the time, place, he just says he won't, and wants me to do it for him.He's normally not a strong willed child, but this issue is troubling for me. I am not wanting to make a a mountain out of a mole hill here, I just need wisdom on how to deal with this correctly. I lead by example, and make sure my children don't just hear, but see me as a good example in prayer. His 3 yr old sis, has never gone through this, so it's new to me. I can't think of anything that's happened to cause this.
I know this might be just a phase he's going through, but I guess I am just a little concerned.It's been a couple of months, so I am a bit concerned. I haven't pushed/forced the issue, but I have just consistently "prayed" out loud for him/with him at bedtime, mealtime/whenever, because I want him to know how much God loves him, and that He wants us to talk to Him. I just don't want this to become a habit-him letting me pray for him. I know he's got very good communication skills/ verbal skills for his age, so that's not the problem. I am a bit confused as to how to deal with this situation. Do I continue to encourage him to pray, and continue to pray little prayers out loud with him at appropriate times, and not "push them" until he decides? I know forcing him would only make it worse, so I would like some advice especially from seasoned moms of toddlers who can give me some advice. Thanks so much.:-)

Lonely in my marriage - confused and need advise

utsb13 — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:08:37 GMT

I have only been married for about a year and a half but we are on a fast down hill skid. I dated my husband for about 5 years prior to getting married. I have grown up in the church and he got saved his senior year of college. We dated on and off for a long time. WE did finally work it out and it seemed as though only we knew each other the way we did. We were affectionate with each other but did not have sex prior to marriage. I was a virgin but he wasn't. I knew he struggled with porn while we were dating and i often tried to encourage him to stop. He always said he couldn't bc it was a hormonal thing. He would try but just couldn't. Well, he promised to stop after we got married and it wasn't too bad at first but it has gotten bad again. I coach a sport and so it is demanding and God is working with me to teach me how to properly prioritize my time. He also is involved in the athletic world so our schedules get busy. My point, i am not a confident person so it is hard for me to "initiate" things. i know he has mentioned he would like me too. They few times i have tried i have been turned down occasionally. He tells me sometimes he just isn't in the mood.... but i also know he looks at porn.

About three months ago i caught him getting close with an employee. He told me he would never cheat on me and i believe him but he was emotionally engaging himself with another person and flirting while i was getting nothing at home. When he wants sex he will just roll over and say "you want to play?" there is zero romance. I also can't help but think that anytime he is home by himself or stays up late after i go to sleep... he is just getting please through the internet. It hurts and i don't understand why i can't be enough. I am reading and praying as much as i can but i notice i start to get very hard hearted now. I don't want to contribute i want to be the best wife i can be but i just don't know how to go about it right now. I feel like nothing i do will please him or question when we are intimate if he is thinking about me or something he has seen???? We rarely hold hands or have more than a pop kiss between us. I feel like we are just two good friends living under the same roof and often wonder if he loves me as a wife or just as a best friend .... i am seeking Godly wisdom and advise. Thank you!

Please help!

eternalpurpose — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:42:36 GMT

Hello ladies!

I am very sad today. I woke up with a note telling me that my marriage is over. Now...I talked to my husband a little at work today and he said that :I can stay if I want too" but he really is just fed up and doesn't want to be married.

Last night we were fighting because he has this work Christmas party coming up and it is a big thing where the wives come and they get hotel rooms....well he doesn't want me to come because I will ruin it for him....because he just wants to have fun and not hear anything about it and get drunk without me getting in the way. So I was sad......anyway....so today he talks to me a bit and says that the other reason is because he doesn't want to get teased at work for having a fat wife. I am so sad. I know I need to lose some weight....but I just feel so rejected....and now I might possibly be single.

Advice needed in a business sense...

GloryBPhotography — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:48:50 GMT

Hey ladies - as some of you may know, I have a photography business...I have a situation that I need some advice on, with what to do...This probably isn't the "normal" post for here, but I thought, what the heck. You gals have always given me some very good feedback!

Here goes:

I recently had a photo shoot for a hs senior. The mother (who is expecting me to give away my services away to her for free, mind you) paid the down payment due at time of sitting (I require $50 - and after this experience, I'm sure to up it to more!). When I showed up for the shoot, I was just a couple minutes late, and knew immediately that this lady (the mom) wasn't a Christian, when she demanded to know why I was the slightest bit late. I explained to her that I had just gotten out of church (which was a 5 minute jot to the location I met them at!). She ranted and raved, yelling at me, saying, "there's far more important things than church - and right now, it's my sons' senior pictures!" I did the shoot and at the end, told the client to give me at least 2 wks to edit the photots. At the week mark, when her images were finished & on a slideshow to view on my website, she stated that she'd not be able to view them for 2 wks - - this was the day after she'd called me up angry that the photos weren't done yet. K, so she viewed the slideshow, liked "some" of the pictures, but immediately demanded a FREE proof book & FREE Book containing all edited images (i guess due that some of her friends had been given really nice leather-bound proof books - they went with a different studio), neither which I provide in the package she chose to go with, or any for that matter (only available ala carte). She refused to go with the senior portrait package. Well, now it has been about a month since I last talked to her, explaining I would not be giving away my services for free - what normal photographer would? I explained to her, that if she wanted a proof book, she would have to order this seperately (ala carte). Afterall, when she receives her final portrait package, it includes a free CD containing all images, and a copyright release!

I recently (earlier this week) sent her a email message, following up with her. She responds with, "I am not happy with any of your pictures of my son, nor the business you provide! I refuse to pay for your services, and have decided to go with my original choice of photographer - someone who is a professional and will give me what I want!!!"

What would your reaction be to this, and how would you handle it? My mom thinks that other photographers in the area should know she doesn't pay her bills, but I'm not sure what to do in a situation like this...Thanks for any advice!

do I need more compassion? or is he a bit ridiculous?

BerthaAgain — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:59:06 GMT

I also posted this in Family Forum, because I desperately want opinions!

My husband has always been overly dramatic when it comes to getting hurt, sick, etc...

It's bugged me even in the fact that now our boys over-react to every bump, scratch and bruise. (just like Dad).

Yesterday, he went for an MRI...and was stressing about it -- "reality" of what they were testing for. He's had pressure in his head, headaches, dizziness since the beginning of the year. I've been urging him to get this checked out. Finally he went to ENT (we're thinking allergies) but this doc wants to rule out any other possibilities -- so scheduled him for MRI and allergy testing. He didn't want to have sex the night before because he had "too much on his mind". I was shocked at that...even when I suggested it might take it off his mind, he wasn't interested...like he WANTED to be thinking about it. He ended up having a panic attack and couldn't have it done. Now he's a grump. Couldn't sleep last night because of this "new found phobia" -- claustophobia(sp?). It's all he wanted to talk about. He's mentioned not going back or having it done at all.

Am I just being intolerant? Or is he being a bit ridiculous? I'm trying to be compassionate, but finding it very difficult!

Need advice from Godly sisters

ma2jacob — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 04:59:34 GMT

I've been married to John for 14 years and we have 3 kids, ages 11, 9, and 4. I have lived a self-centered life most of these 14 years. I have lied to my husband about some things in my past and about money. I have rejected him time and time again...usually in the intimacy department, but have also been very selfish with "my time". I thought I was making progress but I was not seeking God with a sincere desire to change. My husband has pleaded with me on several occassions to change. For two years, he sought solace in alcohol. He became isolated and drunk most days. He neglected his family including me. He drove drunk. We fought in front of our children and said things that can never be undone. I was so scared for him at one point I went to his Dad and told him what was going on and that his son needed him. I honestly had one foot out the door when we went to a Weekend To Remember conference. Our lives changed for the better and again, I thought I was making progress. He stopped drinking. A few weeks ago, he blindsided me with, "....he and I have different views on marriage....he has completely closed himself off from me and doesn't know if he can or ever will reopen up to more hurt.....he's convinced that I do not and never have loved him....that I'd be happier off if some man with lots of money married me and let me spend what I wanted and never made any demands on my time...that I married him only for money and to have kids...he would have left me 5 years ago if it weren't for the kids....he doesn't feel safe or trust me...." He's said some really hard things for me to hear....and I have finally heard his pleas. I am seeking God first in my life and am asking for Him to give me a servant's heart and to help me live in truth. To love unconditionally and to renew my love for my husband...to help me to sumbit to Him and to my husband. John thinks I've only made changes because I'm paniced that I've lost him and my way of life will change. He swears to me that he will always love me and provide and protect me and the kids and will not divorce me because he made a commitment. I have never cheated on John. So, where does the physical relationship come in? I want to please my husband and to honor God in my marriage. I feel that if I am not physical with John that he will slip further away. He says he feels guilty for using me and that we need to not be intimate. I am focusing on making Christ the center of my heart, my marriage and my family. So, he tells me I am smothering him by doing the things that he's always asked me to do. I am enjoying doing these things now, with God's help, but I don't want to smother him. In the midst of this all, my van was repossessed and John lost his job! So he's really really depressed. He's turned to drinking again and actually got a DUI this past week which is his first. He's going out to the bars most nights and if he's not at the bar he's spending what very little money we have on Vodka and stays out most of the day and night at the neighbor's house. John and I are born again christians. Sometimes he asks me to drop him off at the bar and to come get him later when he calls me. My attentions are not reciprocated. We have contacted some friends from church who are willing to come over and talk to us. They showed up on Wed. night and John refused to come inside to speak with them.
Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to enable him to drink but if he calls me and needs help I want to be there for him. Now he's making snide remarks to his friends in my presence about me being panicked. What can I do? I do love my husband and I want him to love me again. I am so mortified that I have caused him so much pain. He's empty inside and feels like God hates him. Please share your thoughts with me. ma2jacob2@yahoo.com

Beyond Frustration

rm3chavez — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:30:56 GMT

I just found this website/group. I am a born again Christian experiencing what I would consider very near hell on earth in my marriage and family. Yes, things could be worse, but I honestly can't imagine being able to cope with more than what is happening right now.

My husband and I have been together for coming on 13 years, married for 10 the end of this month. We have 3 beautiful childeren: a boy--6yrs., a girl--4 yrs, and another little girl--2yrs. We have been consistently fighting for the last 1 1/2 years.

There are so many facets to the problems in our relationship, it would take 10 + pages to type it all out. A summary: I am a Christian--my spouse is not, emotional affair by my husband, consistent verbal and emotional abuse to me, extreme moodiness by my husband, dire financial straits, children beginning to show physical signs of stress due to the situation. There really are so much more details which I hope to explain later.

I should probably end this post now, he definitely wouldn't be happy to find me "opening my big mouth" about our situation. Hopefully I can write more later--please pray for us.

A Weekend to Remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hopeforpeace — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:07:20 GMT

Hello,

My husband and I, atteneded the Weekend to Remember as our last resort, it has been a very very painful yr, and Thank the good Lord, which made it possible for us to attend this Beautiful Weekend to Remember, Why? because he has a plan for all of us, and sometimes it is so hard to see, in everyday life with all of the Devil's dues to all of us, in this world today, however we heard the Lord's word and put our best foot foward, in going, alot of feeling were involved when we left our house for the conference, scared, angry, resentment, ect. wating for the Friday night opening we were like strangers checking into our hotel room, very nervous, and distant, but finally the time came, and within the first hour of the conference our hands were holding one anothers and then are bodies were leaning into one anothers, for the first time in 1yr, it was truly amazing, by the end of the conference we realized that we were not alone in this life or world, and we realized that the Lord has given us a gift this whole time, the only problem was in the past we did not recieve it, we barely just accepted it, which is why we couldn't even communicate, let alone try to find love with one another again. I would hope to all of you at the point that my husband and I were at, would take the opportunity to find a Conference close to you. We have 4 children and didn't not have the money to do this, but then we realized that so many times in our life we spent money on things we could not really afford, This was the last resort for Ourselves and Our Children and let me just say it was Priceless!!!!!!

Blessings to All at Family Life!!!!!!!!

new to FL forums & marriage concerns

1yearin2this — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 19:46:04 GMT

hi,

i'm brand new to the FL forums. A friend from hs told me about this place. I've been married for a year. I saved myself for our marriage. Him, however, had "experience" before me. We have a wonderful marriage, and we have a loving church family. We don't yet have any kids, but are planning on starting to try within the year.

So my concern on here, and I'm very embarassed to even bring it up. I'm moreso embarrased to bring it up face-to-face to one of my bible study ladies. We are very healthy, when it comes to the sexual side of our marriage, however, here lately, my husband has been asking me to do something that, he says, turns him on immensely. As his wife, I want to do this. One slight problem though - I've never heard of what he's asking of me to do. Squirting. Has anyone else heard of this? What is it exactly? And how does a woman do it?

Thanks for any advice.

Out of Energy Need Words of Wisdom

hopeforpeace — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:22:50 GMT

After a 15 yr relationship and 13yrs of marriage, i found out 1 yr ago that my husband was a sex addict with over 25 sexual affairs and with masturbation and pornography, he said that when he revealed everything to me he would start recovery, he did but only for himself and i was never allowed to express my hurt, sadness, grief, anger ect ect. He said he was a changed man and we needed to move on!!!!!!!!!! About 4mths into it he said he had no more patience for me and rebuilding he just wanted to focus on himself, and he was a changed man and he did not feel the need to explain things to me about his days, he wanted no communication accept for the bare minimal just short and sweet, manly about the kids. I wasn't allowed to ask questions about anything, and on days I was sad or had a trigger (by seeing one of the othe women in grocery store) he would say " Stop having your pity parties for yourself you are pathetic"! So hear I am, and last night he said he should have left along time ago and he only stayed because he thought he should to fix what he did, and in the very beginning he thought he still loved me, but shortly after that he said he didn't and my voice makes him so sick and he doesn't want to hear anything from me good bad or indifferent. Prays needed please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gambling Addiction - PLEASE HELP!!!!

GloryBPhotography — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:22:29 GMT

Ok, time for the big admittance-thingy here:

I'm a compulsive gambler

There....I said it....now the question is how to overcome it. Please, I desperately need

some advice, much needed prayer & just someone to talk to about it. If you're the type

who is going to judge me for my wrongdoings, please go elsewhere; I don't need to be made

felt worse off than I already do. Yes, I've already saught counsel from my pastor - actually

his wife, who told me to do only two things: 1)read the word & 2)make a list of the $ lost on

the left side of the paper & on the right side, stuff I could've used that $ for. Believe me when

I tell you, that I've been praying about it every night & been reading the Bible daily. I don't

memorize verses very well. I've heard of the compulsive gamblers anonymous thing & have

called the hotline - only to be told that I should *pay* to get help. In my own mind, I don't

think that people, like myself should have to *pay* money, when I've lost so much already,

for someone who is supposed to be helping me with my $ problem in the 1st place. I know

that this sort of thing is going to ruin my marriage in the long run - heck, we haven't even

gotten married yet - but my fiancee is in total 100% support of me on this subject, and over-

coming the addiction. The problem is, I'm alone at nights - it drives me crazy. I'll get done w/

work & feel the need to do something...so then i drive 30 minutes up to the casino. Last night

I lost about $200!!! I'm finding that I'm being secretive about where I'm going to my fiancee -

I hate this. I fessed up last night to him, and we cried, prayed & talked about it until 4am! He

doesn't understand the "addiction" part of it - & i guess no one really would, unless they too've

had an addiction of sorts. It's almost impossible to quit "cold turkey". I go thru these with-

drawl symptoms if I don't gamble....and all of it together as a whole is starting to tear away @

me.

I need some advice, of where to turn to....other than being "in the word"....obviously that isn't

working for me. I've prayed to God while I'm there to give me the strength to get up and leave,

but I never find that it works. I feel horrible on the drive home, and even worse when I know I

can't make my bills - and have to rely on my fiancee to make them for me! I know, you're prolly

thinking that, "well, if she feels this way, she should stop!" It's not that easy, & like i said before -

unless, you've had an addiction before, it's hard 2 put yourself into my shoes & say that!

I need some prayer - that I will overcome my addiction & live a free-strong willed life.

I need someone to talk to. Please just be a friend in my circumstance. Seriously - if you're going

to judge me, just don't say anything. Like my mom used to say, "if you can't say something nice,

don't say anything at all!"

Thanks for listening to me, and for any advice, prayer, guidance and help.

oops the fire is out (married women only please)

ifoxfirei — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:23:23 GMT

Okay Ladies,
I've become best friends with my husband. Yeah, I know, that doesn't sound bad. Except, that's all we are!! Help! I'm pretty sure there is still fire in both of us.. its just that we are both passive, quiet people, and I think neither of us is sure how to stoke the flames if you get my drift. We had a stressful 5 yrs, with struggling with college and bills and illness..blablabla..and now we are out of it (yay!), but soon realized we forgot how we used to be. Oh no! I know we won't be exactly how we used to be, but I'm just saying a little more in that direction would be nice.
Anyone experienced this AND managed to do something about it? I'm at a loss, and I have no one to talk to about this. :( except my husband of course. But he is very bad with words (computer geek), so I need more than 'just communicate with him'.

Thank you in advance
-Liz

Needing to find support materials or the name of a woman I heard on a Christian radio station

mkmerryman — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:56:23 GMT

I am trying to find information about a woman that when surfing the radio recently I heard on one of the Christian stations on the lower end of the dial. She was participating in a discussion, kind of a forum, about relationships - their developement, young women & the changes on how aggressive they have gotten, and how relationships are supposed to work - especially when the participants have a relationship with God. I think that they said she was a teacher at some university (sociology I think) - am looking to find her name so that I can provide information to my young daughter & help her make choices regarding facing relationships with young men (she is a ***).

To be honest, at the time I was going through the stations just looking for something to listen to when I happened across their program. There was an announcer talking and then the woman was a guest. Unfortunately I don’t even know for sure what station it was and at the time it caught my interest because of the topics but I didn’t catch her name or the announcers. I did think to myself, man – I need to see if I can’t find out who that was and see if she has any materials out there or is giving any lectures anywhere close that I can go to, but I honestly just was interested on my own personal note & didn’t even think about maybe needing it for my children. This would have been at least a couple of weeks ago – maybe in the last month or 2. I am sorry that I can’t give anyone a better time frame.

But what caught my interest was:

Her actual voice – very soft and soothing, she sounded very young like a teenager, but as I listened I found out that she had something to do with a college or university – so she had to be at least in her twenties & I thought (I could have been wrong) but I thought they said she taught sociology – but again could be wrong.

She was talking about several issues all relating to relationships & the way they are developing as opposed to the way they are supposed to develop. For example, she talked about how aggressive the girls have gotten & how physical they have become & why that isn’t such a good thing; she spoke about the woman empowerment movements & their developments; she talked about Christian men trying to find Christian women to date & the problems they are facing & what they are actually looking for in a woman; she talked about how the aggressive nature of young women has taken the “romance” out of the dating act and how in reality the man is supposed to woo you, how the promising of yourself is the greatest gift a woman could bestow or how her favor is sacred and that it is worth the man working for it & that is what the women have removed from the relationship; she talked about how her husband would never tell her that he loved her until the time he proposed, which was a very funny story because she said here they were engaged but were almost uncomfortable saying that they loved each other because they had never uttered the words to one another.

I hope maybe this description could possibly help someone remember the program I’m talking about & maybe that can help in tracking down who she was.

I am sorry that I can’t give you more…I just know that she was very intelligent, had very concise ideals regarding the topic, and I think she would be very easy for my young daughter to follow along with & understand as opposed to some of the other teachers out there & how confusing they can come across as.

Pull Out Not Enough

nnancynancyy — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:08:32 GMT

I posted here a while back about the affair I got into. Im nearly to reach my change of life but Im still not there.Im scared now because we were doing the pull out method and he sometimes didnt take out all the way fast enough and Im afraid because it was happening when he was pulling out it may have gotten in. Im not some school girl but I have not even thought about these things in a long time.He told me he likes to do it this way cause of what he sees. I dont want to be more specific Im just afriad that now I will be divorced and pregnant at my age.

Is anyone in my situation?

atgatg — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:15:01 GMT

I have been married for 10 years, and my husband has never been sexually interested in me. I am not significantly overweight, and actually was quite thin when we first married. But, he never does the things most women say drive them nuts... he never comes up behind me and grabs me while I'm trying to cook; he never tries to steal a kiss; he never initiates sex ... it makes me feel as though he does not want me. But, he says this is not the case. I also know that he is NOT involved with another woman. After 10 years, I would have found out. While most women would complain because their husband seems to only want them for their body, I would be grateful if he would want me for my body right now... I've never experienced that before!

While recently at a conference, I asked about Christian materials on intimacy with a husband who never initiates, and was told that there really isn't anything out there right now. However, I was also told that this is becoming a seemingly increasing problem. Additionally, I recently heard on a Christian radio program that approximately 20 percent of women have a higher sex drive than their husbands. So, I was wondering if there are other women out there in a situation similar to mine. If so, can you tell me how you deal with it? I struggle with feeling very hurt and neglected (and undesirable or ugly). What comforts have you found with this? Has anyone found any scripture references that have been especially comforting? What are they? Thank you!

Preparing for the Wedding Night

3lilkids — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:31:21 GMT

Ladies, how do I help my daughter not freak out on her wedding night? I was not raised in a Christian home, and first had sex as a young teenager. (My mother suggested I go on the pill at 13, just because she knew I would have sex at some point, giving me the ok more or less). I was saved at the age of 29, my daughter was 4, so she has been raised in a Christian home. I have emphasized the importance of virginity, and she is now attending a private Christian college that has very strict rules about dating, etc. I do not consider myself to be naive. I know when she was in high school, she had a boyfriend and they did get a little close physically, but she has told me she never had intercourse. She was pretty appalled when she went for a pap and pelvic, actually, sickened. She will most likely marry next summer, and I want to prepare her as much as possible for that first time. I know she must think it will be romantic and special, but if not prepared, I fear she will be horrified. (Face it ladies, it can be pretty shocking) All the movies glorify that special time. I know I will bring up the subject first by talking about having children and birth control. I think she needs to go on the pill now, if they don't want children right away, to adjust. That's a good intro, but am looking for any other advice. She is a beautiful young lady, with her intended being a great, respectable, young man. He has called and asked her hand in marriage, and will be proposing soon.

Affair?

mainfamily01 — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 18:12:37 GMT

Found several website address in "history" for singlesnet, affairsclub, lonelywivesclub, etc... Is he looking for an affair? I questioned him and he called me an idiot and said he was just looking around the web, he started with looking at woman sites (porn). Could other sites just be pop-ups? What should I do? Right now, he's not speaking to me at all. He blames me for not letting go of an affair he had several years ago...did I push him into it again by constantly accusing him? Where do I go from here? Anyone has the same issues?

Confused on whether or not I'm doing the right thing...

Punky2307 — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:19:05 GMT

I had written some time ago at the beginning of the year about my husband... I found out he was texting and talking to other women and I was currently pregnant and due with my son...He had sex invitations... He had kissed a woman.. He had sexual stories on his phone with other women... He had a made up name and a story... He had been doing it for a year... We decided to stay together and get help... During that time I caught him talking to one of the women again and she confirmed everything to me... At that time I asked him to leave... he came back after being out for 2 weeks... A month after that I heard a message on his phone to this so called person he called himself... he denied it... So, I made an appointment with a mental health counselor... The dr gave us a diagnosis and was going to help us deal with this... 3 weeks later I found out he had asked some girl on Facebook to text him... Then, I asked him to leave indefinitely... That he needed to find help and then we would see what would happen... About a week and a half later I logged into his facebook and he was chatting with a girl from our church... He was flirting with her and telling her how beautiful she was and then he made up a story as to why we were separated... at that point and time I made it very clear to him that this was not going to work.. He gave me all the excuses of he wasnt doing anything wrong just chatting that he hadnt slept with her or gotten anyone pregnant what was the big deal...

I have never felt loved or wanted by my husband... We have two beautiful boys whom we both love but I dont think my husband realizes that he has a problem and needs help... He went to the dr again but only because I told him he was out and that I was done...

I feel as though I can't continue to do this... It has been 8 months of pain... and the year before was as though we were just friends...

I think I want out... but, i'm afraid...

What do I do?