Men's Forum

How can I help?

catch311 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:33:05 GMT

I posted a little while back that my wife and I were expecting our first child. Well we found out about a month ago that the baby had no heart beat and that it had died. Since she was only about 8 weeks along at the time, they said it would be better for body to just let her body take care of it instead of doing a D&C. So we waited for almost two weeks for her to actually miscarry, eventually we got her some medication to help "speed things along." It did some, but come to find out about a week after we thought she had miscarried, that she still had some more to get out and it has been another week and a half since then. We think she is finally passing the last stages and will be getting back to normal soon. All in all it has been a little over a month since we found out our baby had died.

We talked tonight about trying again and she is apprehensive. But she said sometimes she wants to try again right away and other times she wants to hold off. We know God wants to give us children but she seems afraid. I understand the fear she must be feeling, especially since she had to carry around our baby for a month after finding out it had died. I don't think she has fully dealt with her emotions and she even brought up tonight that maybe we should start using condoms again and that she doesn't want to make any decisions until she feels a peace about it. I don't know what to do. We both want kids, very badly. But I think she is letting the enemy attack get to her and cause fear. I am constantly praying for her healing, both physically and emotionally, but I don't know what else to do. How can I help her?

Marital Mental Blocks...

sanderson28025 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:27:27 GMT

I kid, but I'm having some mental issue's that I'm struggling to deal with and I was wondering if anyone else could relate or had insight on what happens next. Long story short, my wife and I had a major talk about us not "being in sync" for a few weeks and so I asked her about it. She brought to my attention that I'm not the strongest spiritual leader...I've got my moments, but I've got plenty of room to improve. She said that was one reason why we haven't had our adult time lately. She also admitted that b/c I have a very conducive schedule to being at home during the day, I had been doing a large majority of the house work and that she liked it and let me do more than my share...and so here's my mental block. I'm working on improving my leadership skills...not very easy, but I'm working hard at it and I know that she is noticing. BUT, I still feel like when I get home from work, she takes off to take care of some things she wants/needs to and I get to do a lot of the work. I feel like at times, I'm having to work for time with my wife, both casually and physically. Almost like I'm digging out of a hole that I didn't know I was in. There are unfortunately MANY factors that make me feel like this and I don't have room to talk about them all. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm starved for intimate time with my wife or if I'm taking things too seriously and I just need to relax and let things come in stride. Thanks for the insight!

more help needed

taznavy — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:58:11 GMT

If you have read my last few blogs you might know that I have having a problem with masturbation and Im happily marry with a 8 month old daughter. My problem is getting better at times but than I hit rock bottom again. Today I didn't have my hands down there but was watching something online that I shouldnt have and got caught at work. Im not in trouble but I could have been and it would have been bad. My wife wouldn't have known about it but i feel like a jackass right now and it hurts me inside to think that I could have been in some serious trouble. Since the 25th of Oct I have control myself to one time masturbating and it was at home. Today I would have done it again if not caught casue it was leading to that. What can I do to stop this and not tell my wife about this? In the summer of 2008 my wife found out that I was looking at porn sites at home. Well I was on deployment for 7 months after that and came home in April 2009. While on cruise I try to stop looking at stuff and masturbating unless it was pictures or video my wife sent me of her. Since April I have try my best to control and stop my porn addiction and Masturbation. As my wife and i ahve a good sex life. There are times where she wants it almost everyday, sometimes twice. Than we have a breaks, no more than a few days or so. Even when we are having sex daily, I still seem to want to masturbate. I cant figure out why. When Im done masturbating I feel like I have done something very bad!!! What can I do? I need help.. and would like to solve this issue without telling my wife. If I did I woudl be considered a lier to her cause I have told her that I do not look at porn or mastubate like that. The only time i have Masturbated and she know is when she wasn't on birth control for two weeks so we did not have sex, but oral sex though. I love my family to death and do not wont this issue to effect our marriage but I know it can. Someone please give me some good advice on how to stop this. I stuck at work in front of a computer where I can access stuff with women on it half dress or naked all the time. I stuck here and i know when I get relieve from here that I will be able to control myself more but what will happen if I ever get put back in the situation. Please someone help. How do I go about my day felling like I ahve done something so wrong than turn around and do it again and again felling like crap again.........

Wife reconnecting with "Friends" on Facebook.

imcrazyaboutmywife — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:01:40 GMT

Hello,

Recently my wife began to find old friends on Facebook. All of her friends in high school just happened to be boys. And out of the 3 boys that she has connected with she at one time dated 2 of them. Granted, she was 14 at the time and that was a long time ago. Since that time she has gone through a lot of hard relationships before she met me. The relationships that she had with these 2 boys at the time were the best relationships that she has ever had before myself. She had many good memories of her time with each of them.

She has had a lot of bad memories with other people since then. She started looking and found them on Facebook a couple of months back and has started communicating with them. As her husband I am not confortable with this at all. I have asked her to not communicate with other now "men" at all on Facebook or any other means. Especially since she had dated these men in her past. It doesn't really matter to me that it was over 20 years ago. She doesn't like me saying no to her. She said that she is trying to remember some happy memories from her life and trying to get healing from some things in her past. She said she has so many bad memories after that time that she is trying to remember some good memories. She said that all women have friends that were boys from thwir past and they stay in some contact with them and that I know she is committed to me as her husband and she doesn't desire or want to have anyone else than me. But as her husband this feels very wrong to me and I don't see why she needs to have contact with these men now if it affects me so much. She thinks it has to do with the fact that I don't trust her. No, I don't trust any other man. Any help or ideas on this subject? I just don't like the idea that other men have the ability to instantly contact my wife either public or private. Where I work I don't even have the ability to do that as her husband. Help. Thank You.

Masterbation in Marriage

just_a_man — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:55:52 GMT

My wife is going through some personal emotional and spiritual issues that have greatly affected our marriage. I love her very much and am standing by her all the way. However, our sex life is non-existant at this point. I have always had a high sex drive and at times in the past, my wife has tried to meet them, even though she wasn't interested. My primary love language is physical touch, so I enjoy hugging and kissing her and being affectionate. But at the same time, I get sexually aroused. As you guys know, sexual arousal without discharge can be very uncomfortable. She has made it clear that she is not willing to participate in that at this time.

So, my question is - would I be sinning if I masterbated during this period of time my wife is going through? I'm not talking about surfing for porn or videos or that stuff. My eyes are only for my wife and my loins are burning! Any advice?

need some help with an addiction

taznavy — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:29:57 GMT

I have a problem. I have try to stop but it only last a few days than im back at it. I masturbate and look at stuff online. not porn but anything with women on it. Im happliy married and would never cheat on my wife. When Im home from work and my wife is not around I do not look at stuff or masturbate. the times that i do it is at work. I work where i have to set at a desk for 12 hours. either 0630 in th emorning to 630 at night or 630 at night to 630 in the morning. i cannot access porn at this computer or any site that is close to it but i go to sites like maxim, google picturs of movie actress and stuff. when i do that i jack off to that stuff. how you may ask if im at work. i work where i cannot leave my desk area unless i go to the bathroom or step outside just for a min. i have to be near the phone to hear it if it rings or to press a button to let people in the building. when its the night when no one is here or the weekend thats when it get bad. sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. i work 3 days on 3 days off than 3 nights than 3 days off than all over again. what can i do to stop myself if doing this. i love my wife and would never cheat on her. I need some help to control myself. what can i do????????

A Week in the Life

boatmen — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:41:54 GMT

Hey Guys!

It's been a few weeks since I've been around so I've lost track with some of you and what's going on with your lives. So I thought why not try starting a thread where we can post little updates on our lives.

I saw Chaz is back! That's really cool. Wish I had DIC's email addy, I'm taking a small group of ladies down to southern WV to take some winter clothing. I might actually get close enough to him to stop and visit a spell.

I think I've gone a little overboard this fall in gathering black walnuts. I cut strips of window screen, rolled them into tubes about 6 in diameter and 3 foot long. Filled them with nuts and have them hanging in the basement. My wife is the best! What other wife would let you hang 20 of these "nutsacks" in her basement? :)

I am having a real struggle with our vehicles. Bout the time I get one fixed, 2 more break. And I'm really concerned that one of the mechanic guys isn't being quite as honest as you'd like. Fortunately God has blessed us with a variety of vehicles so no one has been stranded.

My 18 yo son has understandably gotten impatient waiting for an opening with YWAM in Australia. He's looking into going to Thailand by himself to work at the orphanages. Seems a lil dangerous, but he's soooo frustrated here he is starting to make some bad decisions because of his boredom.

So what's going on with you?

Gentlemen, Gender....and...

formerlyalpha — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 12:10:27 GMT

In this thread I wanted to look at the distinctive ways men and women function.
The reason this is important is that it is crucial to the well-being of a marriage. In the past, on these forums, any such discussion has tended towards a kind a gender war that risks falling about in a slugging contest. I thought about posting in the family sector, but in the current climate of banning thought better of that. I would have preferred that, but prudence has prevailed, to send me here.

About 2mths ago - I've been sitting on this that long ( waiting for the dust to settle) - in the evening church service, the sermon was curtailed, and in it's place the audience was invited to contribute whatever was on their mind that seemed relevant to the theme. So a 15 -20 minute period was devoted to that.
What was interesting, and significant, was that all the contributors were women. Not one male voice was heard. That was not lost on me. Later, when talking to a couple, the wife said she had noticed that, but the husband hadn't.

Why it triggered my mind was that it accords with what many christian marriage writers and speakers have been saying about aspects of marriage. In particular, the chorus of complaints from wives about their husband's lack of action in spiritual leadership in the home.
Taking that evening exercise as a starting point, women seem to be ready to act out their spirituality, while men are somewhat reluctant. Just why is that so prevalent? When this goes on for a number of years, it sets up a pattern that is hard to break. All the while the wife is slowly losing respect for him, and the husband is backing off in equal proportions.
There has been a suggestion that it springs from a man's uneasiness about his sexuality. Allan Meyer, author of "Valiant Man" program says:
" The successful management of his own sexual appetite is the biggest challenge a man will face in his lifetime." Among the factors he identifies are that it impacts on a man’s sense of dignity, and on his spirituality.

Then, 3 weeks ago, another speaker, who heads up a family/marriage ministry, was speaking at church, and he said "Most men think they are abnormal". He had been speaking about addictions, and that would have included the power of the sexual drive. Part of the reason they think they are abnormal is that men tend not to talk about their personal urges.
So if a man is struggling in that area, he will not be up to giving spiritual leadership.

But there are other differences between men and women that impact married life. I will get onto those in the a subsequent post.

Weekend To Remember

sonar69 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:23:06 GMT

I was not able to post in the "Weekend To Remember" forum so I decided to post here.

My wife & I just returned from the Weekend To Remember event in Park City Utah. We are members of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) and I would say we have a good marriage. My wife was hesitant to attend because of the religious differences. I wanted to go because I am feeling the need to take our marriage to the next level, mostly wanted to get closer spiritualy.

All I can say is how awsome this event was for us. I dont want to bore everyone with all the details but I got exactly what I wanted... and that was the steps to taking our marriage to the next level. I was so proud of my wife. She learned so much. We are committed to revisiting the material every two weeks, increasing our Bible & scripture study and setting wonderful examples for our son.

I commend this organization for the good that they do.

Is Making Love (Within Marriage) an Allowed "Sin"?

ScooterGrad — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 01:55:20 GMT

Guys opinion needed (straight and to the point)-

I have an odd question I hope and pray someone on here can guide me to a better understanding. My wife (whom I love and honor eternally) have been having troubles for many years now. She feels all is great, in spite of my discussions with her. She hopes and prays for me to realize how great I have it. I do have a great family of kids and the best mother for my children. The short of it is, I have a strong desire to connect and share emotionally with her, yet over the past six years my views have skewed (?sp?) so far off while trying to find where truth is at regarding us. I somehow need to get back on track, and pray for that every day. So much so that it is affecting me in everything I do and cannot seem to dedicate to the tasks at hand during the day. Her view (which I disagree with but acknowledge her concern), is sexuality (love making or seeing each other without clothes) is an "allowed SIN in marriage". It is like she has never left her initial home (as defined in the scriptures) and embraced what I view as God's great blessing to a couple not to mention the trust devloped. She said it takes her days to feel "spiritual" again after making love (nothing wierd and always in the dark). That directly says to me, you are not to be desired and are the cause of any relationship gap with God in her life. Opposite of what a husband and spiritual leader is supposed to be. I need help, as I have tried to be sensitive to her belief.

It has gotten so bad, that my thoughts have started to wander to people I used to date (I was a virgin up until after my wedding night). Sample journal entry - "Kept on having bad/inappropriate reoccurring dreams last night about those who I used to date just because those thoughts toward my wife she believes is sinful and makes her feel like she needs days/weeks to repent (from just making love in the dark-nothing unusual). I am married now and love my wife eternally and faithfully. Those sporadic thoughts and dreams keep coming up more and more lately no matter how hard I try to redirect my thoughts. I pray which is the only thing I can think of to do. How can God's blessing of marriage intimacy become devalued to the same state as rapist or sex outside of marriage (according to my wife sex is allowed or 'can be forgiven of in marriage'). Those thoughts bug me everytime during that time now to the point of I no longer initiate because of knowing her beliefs and me not wanting to be rejected. I go out of town a lot on business, and pray so hard for my thoughts not to wander where they don't need to go. Everything I have prayed about and read in the scriptures (right down to Adam and Eve's relationship) seem to support what I think, but that might be a self justification. Any thoughts - and yes I have gone alone to meet with a marriage counselor, read about every book out on the market both Christian and secular, but need other input from someone who has been through this. Divorce is not an option. There has got to be help out there, yet guys don't talk about this openly out in the community.

A problem with Facebook

kgroff22 — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 01:54:42 GMT

My wife has joined Facebook and has found a lot of old friends from high school and made some new friends. My problem is that she has also become friends with her ex-boyfriend. Now we have been married for 7 years, we are both born again Christians, and she actually asked me if it would be ok to ask him to be her friend on Facebook. I didn't want to act like the controlling type of husband so I said that I didn't like it but if you still want to do it go ahead. Is it wrong to have an ex-boyfriend on Facebook?

How do you physically deal with the tension you feel when your wife challenges you?

sernoa — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 03:27:57 GMT

So I've been reading an amazingly insightful book Becoming Heirs Together of the Grace of Life by Jeff and Marge Barth; I have a personal testimony of how the Lord led me immediately all the way to the back corner of a thrift shop store directly to this book in a desperate hour of my marriage but I'll save that for another time. The very next day after that divine encounter at the thrift shop my wife and I received an email out of the blue stating my mother & father in-law wanted to buy us tickets for the Weekend to Remember conference by Focus on the Family. It seems our marriage is on God's radar and I'm thankful.

My question is to mature Christian husbands in this forum that have learned how to channel the tension you feel when your wife speaks to you in a tone that is challenging - especially spiritually challenging?

For example, my wife and I were driving home from a movie tonight discussing two churches we are focusing on to become members of (we recently moved). During our conversation my wife stated, "the first priority of going to church is not to worship God, we can worship God anywhere." While I agreed with the latter part I disagreed that it was not our first priority to which she responded in a challenging tone, "lets see what the Bible has to say about that." Whether either one of us is "right" it is that tone in your wife's voice that says indirectly "your wrong and I'm right" that stirs up tension in a husband that I'm seeking clarity on.

We've had conflicts way worse than this where words were much more sharply spoken but we are trying to grow individually and together into the marriage God wants for us. Which is why I'm posting this thread. I would just like to know a few things you guys do when tension is stirred up. Do you pray? Do you call upon the scriptures...slow to speak, slow to anger, overlook an offense for our glory? I've let other small arguments like this ruin my/our day/weekend before and I'm trying to break out of that cycle of defeat by seeking skills that have been effective for you when dealing with tension stirred up by your wife.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks!

need help with masturbations addiction and im married

taznavy — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 12:50:53 GMT

I love my wife and would never cheat on her. We have a beautiful daughter that is 8 months old. We both beleive in God and have start going to church and praying so that we can teach our daughter. Our sex life is pretty average I can say. I have a problem with masturbation though. When my wife is at work and im off, I'll grab the computer and look at porn and jerk off, sometimes doing it twice or more before she gets home. I even have the problem at work too. At work im not allow to look at porn but i still look at sites like maxim and stuff, even videos that show girls in skimmy clothes. I have a tv here and when i work the night shift sometimes i watch the ads for girls gone wild. while watching this or surfing the net i'll jerk off. My shift is 12 hours long and I sit at a desk so sometimes I do it twice or more. especially if its the weekend or nights where there is no one that can see me do it. I work where i cannot live my work area during my shift cause it is a watch and i have to anwser a phone. bascially im in the military on watch for 12 hours either at night or day cause it flip flops. I feel very bad after the fact when I do it. I love my family and i don't want this to effect me whats so ever. How can i stop masturbating and look at stuff while at work or on the tv? I can control myself at home and I have gotten better with it but not 100%. What do I do? I need help. Im addict to masturbations. I need advice on how to control myself and even at work. Im afraid that I will get caught and get in trouble. Like I've said the wife and I both believe in God and we have started goign to Church. I'm trying to get my life together in certain areas and live a Life in God eyes and ways. Not just for me but for my wife and daughter. please help..........

I don't love you anymore

New International Version — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:30:33 GMT

http://www.davidclarkeseminars.com/articles_view.asp?articleid=3813&columnid=

Has anyone read this article?

I have also read his book. "I don't love you anymore"

I'm throwing it out there because in my experience it seems that tough love would
have been the better way.

Are there any testamonies of husbands getting their wife back by them being extremely nice to their wayward spouse? Just curious.

Question about sex

catch311 — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:28:35 GMT

This is my first time posting anything on here so I'm not sure about all the details I need to give.

I have been saved for almost two years now and my wife re-devoted herself to Christ at about the same time. Since then we have taken long, hard looks at our life and everything in it to see what is honoring of God and what isn't. We have done tons of spiritual house cleaning and gotten rid of tons of movies and music and other odds and ends that we feel don't honor God.

When we get to the topic of sex though, there is a whole lot of confusion. We aren't really sure what is and is not "allowed." The topic has come up a lot lately because we are expecting our first child and the whole 6 weeks with no sex after the birth conversation has come up quite a few times. We both come from what we like to call "heathen" backgrounds and, regrettably, have some experience in sexual acts that we now know are not ok. But I guess my question is this...

Does anyone know of any material out there that actually lists the things that are ok to do aside from actual intercourse? Books, articles, etc.? I've tried looking things up on multiple websites but only seem to come across things like "why sex is important" or something that doesn't really help.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks and God bless.

Deleted Post

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:14:19 GMT

This post has been deleted.

Godly advice for new husband

paulieluvslela — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:01:10 GMT

I keep failing and keep letting my my wife of 9 months down.
The latest thing happened this morning before church. After breakfast I said I was going to go shave and get dressed in the master bathroom so I wouldn't have to run back and forth between my bedroom and the second bathroom. She said I was pushing and just because we bathed together last night that I wasn't allowed full use of it again. We left for church and she said her stomuch was hurting because she couldn't go to the bathroom because she was upset because of what I had done. She was feeling nauses so she told me to stop the car and she would walk back to the house. I told her I would take her back. She said no and proceeded to walk. I didn't follow her. I stopped and started praying what to do. After I got home she told me I was supposed to follow her and showing that I cared and pick her up. She said she thought I was changing and she's regretting last night. She said she hates me, I should go to hell, and something else to myself. I apologized for everything and not knowing what I was supposed to do.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Chaz

Holten — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 14:33:56 GMT

So Chaz, you obviously got unbanned. Nice to see you. What's the story? I haven't been on here much lately - life got busy. So, apologies if I missed some explanatory post from you. I didn't see such in a search.

Pre marital sex

another name — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 06:44:40 GMT

Hi, gents. This is my first post here.

Here's the deal: I've been married 16 yrs. My wife and I haven't lived together for 3 yrs and two months. Originally it was a separation for me to move out of state to make the first step in a career transition but for the last 18 months or so she says I abandoned her. If it were up to me we'd be back together but she has made it known that (because I 'abandoned' her) that she wishes to live apart. She uses 1 Cor 7:11 as her 'escape' clause.

I don't know how important the above information is to my question but I'm telling it if it helps you to answer my question.

A couple months ago a Christian Pastor I was seeing for counseling asked if my wife and I had sex before marriage. I said, Yes. He then asked what I thought about a woman who gave it away so freely? I interrupted to say that I too had sex but he said it was different for a woman.

That Pastor is no longer available to me so I'm still wondering what he meant. It seems to me he meant a woman uses her sex to lure a guy because maybe she doesn't think much of herself. What do you think? I'm serious in asking. I really don't understand what the Pastor meant but think maybe this could help me get back together with my wife.

The D draws near (I cannot bring myself to say the word)

another name — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 07:36:42 GMT

Tonight I found out on my own that my wife had apparently transferred a deed we held in joint tenancy. Also, apparently she made changes to a trust in common. The last of those things was legally recorded 21 days ago. And that the Pastor of my home church hasn't followed through with his word is causing me some stress. He told me, based on new information provided to him (which caused him to understand he had acted in error), he would get back to me after he concluded his findings. It's been 6 weeks and still nothing. (As comparison, it took him and the Deacons less than 2 weeks to advise my wife after she met to tell them how awful I am.) Another reason this is stressful is because not only did he and the Deacons instruct my wife to have no contact with me, they instructed her to find an attorney. That is all I know of that, no one will agree to provide additional information.

Now exists the very real condition of a division of assets which, by itself, is unwanted but too since it portends to that larger unwanted thing (dissolution), I am quite perturbed to think that these men have aided and abetted the deeper break-up of my marriage.

I'm actually quite calm about this recent turn of events but as it is stacked upon previous altercations, I feel my options are so narrowed that I have but one course of action. Maybe God has kept it from being worse, but He sure hasn't helped it get better. And it is getting worse. No one is communicating with me. Things are happening and I only find out about them through my own seeking.

One of the men here asked with respect to my motivations, Why is it important for me to be heard. Well, this apparent transfer of deed without notification provided to me is an example of why it is important I be heard. I believe my forced absence is allowing the pieces to fall together until finally there is nothing to do but sign the final papers.

(An aside: The Pastor and Deacons told my wife as I mentioned above. Then they said I need to "court" my wife but allowed that reconciliation would work only if both parties were so inclined. From the day they said that I have felt behind the eight ball. I felt they were giving my wife safe passage if she were to decline me. That she has rebuffed and refused my every attempt is seemingly no concern of theirs even though they share a responsibility in creating this schism. Too, their words and intentions are confusing. I only mention this because it figures prominently in explaining how things became so dire.)

Tomorrow will be a big day. I must get to the bottom of this. I doubt Kathy will pick up the phone when I call or answer my e-mail. The church will excuse themselves. What's left other than the county recorder's office and an attorney?

I'm posting mostly to vent but also to ask for any insight. It seems I may be taking legal action against my wife. That is awful to consider....

Yet what else can I do? As I wait upon the Lord I'm being torn apart. Maybe it was providence I found out tonight about her recent actions. Maybe I need to act upon it?

Lack of interest in sex

kimberfan — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:58:38 GMT

I need help. My wife and I seem to have the opposite problem that most couples deal with. It’s me that has a lack of interest in sex. It’s causing real problems in our marriage. My wife thinks it’s a lack of attraction, but it’s not. She is beautiful, seriously hot. I want to have sex, I just can’t seem to bring myself to ask for it. She initiates 99% all of the sex that we have and she realizes that and resents it. We’ve fought about this problem many times, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around why I rarely initiate sex. I think I have a fairly normal sex drive, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex, I do. I just don’t initiate. If she doesn’t, we will go months without having it.

Any ideas on how to overcome this or figure it out?

Back after a long time away and need some help

davidandlizziehall — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 15:43:37 GMT

Men,

I was on the forum about two years ago as a regular poster and I loved the interaction. When I left CA for MO, I lost touch and slowly drifted away from the boards. Like most Christians, when things are going well, I tend to tell God to "take the day off" and I try to go it my own way. This always leads to failure on my part and sends me back to my knees. This is where I am today.

The issue is that my wife and I reconciled about 18 months ago. She moved back to MO from FL and told me everything about her affairs while we were living apart. Things since then have been wonderful. We resolved one of the major issues in our relationship, which was trust. Neither one of us trusted the other. So, over the last 18 months, we have been living and thriving, or so I thought. Last November, I lost my job. This placed a strain on the family and we had to adapt, but we managed and changed a few things about our lives and went forward. At Thanksgiving we went to visit her best friend and spend the holiday, my wife and her best friend went out for a ladies night out. Apparently my wife met a man and they began an affair that lasted until about May of this year. The man broke it off with her to try and save his marriage. So fast forward to July, I am back to work, not making what I was, but its a good job and it pays the bills. My wife was asked to submit her resume and interview for a promotion at work. Through no fault of hers, the owner treated her very rudely, never interviewed her and actually said (after she waited 3 hours to meet him) "I'm not sure why your still here, I really have nothing to talk to you about!" (I mention the above because I see a trend that I will get to in a moment.) So now two weeks ago, my wife started to act strangely again, texting someone excessively, late night phone calls where she locked herself in the office, cancelling plans she had made for us at the last moment. So I looked at our phone bill and saw the hundreds or text messages back and forth and the phone calls. So I asked her about it, no surprise she made up a story about her friend form work so on. Then she tells me she has to go out of town, last minute for work, and very plausible story, but it didn't feel right. The night she was supposed to be out of town for work, her boss called to tell her that one of the key staff had suffered a death in the family and the staff meeting the next day would be canceled, he of course was surprised when I mention that he should try her cell as she was out of town as he had directed her to be.

So I confronted her, her story was that she was with friends, she needed a break, etc. etc. etc.

So this past weekend we had plans together, she canceled then Friday night, she said she didn't feel like going and that she wanted to get her nails done, etc. So I agreed. We both left the house at the same time, went and did a couple of weekend errands together and then she went to do her "girl stuff", I finished my errands early, and she had texted me she was shopping for our kids school stuff, so I texted her back that I would stop by the store, check out what she had picked out and help. Well she wasn't at the store, so I figured I missed her. As I headed home I passed a hotel/restaurant and I see her truck in the parking lot. After a few moments of praying and hesitation, I went in. She turned pale white, told me that we need to have "this conversation" outside. Where she begged me not to make a scene. I left without saying a word to her.

So after this long post, let me tell you two things. The first is my theory, and the second, I guess is a plea for advice and prayers.

I believe that because of her childhood and the abuse she endured, that she has such a low self esteem that she must be validated all the time. I further believe that she thinks that husbands are legally required to say nice things to them. So she seeks her validation in unhealthy ways. The reason I say this, is that she only goes off the deep end, if you will, when there is a stressor in her life.

So I guess, what do I do? I am committed to making this work. We have been through a great many struggles and always have emerged stronger and deeper in love. But I am conflicted, I am not sure how much more strength I have or how much farther I can walk.

Thanks for listening to me unburden myself.

Wife not interested in improving sex life...

maple456 — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:37:39 GMT

Sex has been a source of continual disagreement for several years now in our marriage. I've tried to sensitively share my desires for it to be better, offered suggestions, tried to do things to help her, suggested doctor visits, etc. There is nothing physically wrong with her. She does not make serious indications she wants to work on the area of our lives together. She makes no attempt to do some of the excellent ideas I've shared with her from Family Matters and other great biblically minded resources. She will often put me off when I try to initiate. I can't recall the last time she initiated. I'm completely frustrated about what to do. I love her and want to be with her. Her friends only seem to solidify in her mind that it's all because she's tired due to children. So that a "crutch" appears to continually be the reason it's not important to her.

I fear this is an area satan will attack our marriage and me. I'm not being satisified at all, and I'm trying to approach it biblically - but I'm finding I'm continually hitting a brick wall...

I'm open to suggestions...

I need help (part 2)

kmb1988 — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:04:35 GMT

Thank you to everyone who has read and has responded to my cry for help.

Over the weekend, I had a long discussion with my wife. I saw the hurt in her eyes and felt her pain. She said she still has feelings for the ex-boyfriend from high school. As much as it was hard for me, I told her I would not stand in her way for her happiness. I told her to search within her heart and to come back to me and tell me what she wanted to do. I will accept any decision that she makes. It is very hard for me right now. I need your prayers to help me through this.

Thanks to all of you.

-------------------------

This is my first time on this blog. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. Early on during our marriage, I am ashamed to say that I had an affair that lasted almost a year. At one point I thought about leaving her to be with the other woman and told my wife so. She left for a week and I begged her to come back to me. Since then I have been VERY faithful to her. She has never got past my affair and 10 years later we are still dealing with it.

I found out that she recently hooked up with her boyfriend from high school (who was divorcing his wife) on facebook and they exchanged some very intimate emails. I read her emails without her knowing (I was quite ashamed about that and confessed to her). I asked her to stop and she claimed she did.

I don't know what to do in this instance. From our arguments, she always claimed that she did not sleep with him like I did with the other woman 10 years ago.

How do I deal with this? We started a christian based counseling few weeks ago. The first session was quite hard and she had to relive what I did 10 years ago

HELP ME..

When do you take her back or decide to end it?

dcwoodyuscg — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 05:07:46 GMT

My wife and I have not been doing that good for some time now. Being in the military has keep me away for most of our marriage but I have used that time well and have advanced my career very fast so I may provide a better life for us. While it may not have been selfish, I do see that it maybe splitting that hair very close. I’m on land now and have been home every night for a year now. It is the first time we have truly lived together in our 6 year marriage. I’m not sure if we have grown apart or are just not right for each other. I guess it all came to a head last week and she left w/ our son (3). She couldn’t just leave but had to call my command and accuse me of child abuse. Having a stern voice and sometimes swatting his butt w/ a diaper on is not child abuse. She says she does not want to hurt my career just wants me to take anger management classes to help me learn how to manage my anger better. What I have told her over and over is I’m not angry at the world just how she handles/manages things… gambling, spending more than I make, lack of sex, always saying sorry for everything, lack of understanding how simple I am (a simple ham sandwich will feed me sometimes, don’t need a 5 course meal every day, trying to pay off debt) and just letting me be a simple stupid guy w/ my other simple stupid guy friends. I’m taking the anger management classes along w/ some parenting classes so I can learn how to better handle my anger better along w/ learning how to better parent my son. A part of me says I can’t trust her any more and to get rid of her and fight to get my son but I’m not a quitter and never have been. I still have love for her and want it work but I just don’t know what to do? She says she wants it to work but not sure at this point how hard she will work to make it work. I told her before I consider making it work there will be some things that have to change around here and with out missing a beat she jumps right in and says all you want to do is control me and the money which is not true. If I take classes to learn to better myself then you will also and yes I am taking control of the money and taken her off of the credit cards but I’m not hiding anything. If she has a question she can ask or look in the account, its open. So the question is weather or not I can trust her to not accuse me of something in the future? I know w/out trust you really don’t have much else…