Family Forum

What Makes a Marriage and What Keeps it Healthy?

formerlyalpha — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:20:46 GMT

What makes a Marriage? How Healthy is your Marriage?

That title does not do complete justice to what I have in mind, but it will do for an entry point.
The reason I think this is pertinent to all married or intending to be married people is that there are various definitions about marriage. Some say it's a contract, others that it is a covenant, and yet others define it by it's function.
Some say it's a relationship of love, and if the love slips away then there is no marriage left.

One only has to read the continuing cries for help that keep getting posted on these forums to realise that it's an incredibly important topic. And given the divorce rate, the cases that do come to our notice are just the tip of the problem.

I think most would subscribe to the view that a marriage is more than just a business arrangement, more than a legally defined relationship. Granted, both those elements may be part of the married state, but they are not it's essence.
It is, for want of a better description, a loving connection of a man and a woman who have pledged their loyalty and love to each other. At it's core, it is love that provides a marriage with it's heart. That could be called romantic love.

But, as soon as that word "romantic" appears, there will be the detractors that are really uncomfortable with too much of that kind of lovey stuff. The prefer the business style relationship, with just enough physical connection to have basic needs met.

When one looks at the vows, the laws of the land, and complying with those requirements, it should be obvious that those factors exist to give a framework in which the marriage can develop and thrive. Too many of us, I fear, have a propensity to see those laws as the thing that makes a marriage. In fact, those laws exist to protect and ensure that the marriage does survive. But the things that make it flourish are not to be found in legal definitions.

Now, if the laws that deem a couple to be man and wife are the supporting framework, what is it that is meant to be within the frame?
Take a bucket as a picture of marriage.
The bucket is a certain shape, it has a handle, and it is sufficiently robust to enable it to be filled without collapsing. But the important thing about a bucket is that it is meant to be able to hold or transport it's contents. The bucket is not an ornament. It has no purpose or reason to exist except to carry something like water.
Without a bucket water could not be carried to the plants that need it. So the bucket is not an end in itself, it is designed to protect the contents from being lost. The bucket is important, but if it is not used to carry something it becomes a white elephant.

Marriage is a love relationship. I know that concept has come in for it's share of criticism, because a perceived loss of love has been used to justify divorce. But as I read on these forums and see failing marriages all around, it's a reminder that all married couples need to focus on building and strengthening love in their marriage. I can only conclude that so many of us enter marriage not understanding that, or not knowing how to go about it.
Especially if we were raised in a family where our parent's marriage was held together as a business partnership would be.

porn vs. romance novels

flguy — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:22:33 GMT

Does anyone else feel that most pastors and regular Christians are hypocritical when it comes
to sexual sin? Specifically, I'm talking about men's use of pornography vs. women's use of
romance novels and the like.

Go to any Christian bookstore and you will see perhaps dozens of books chastising men for their
visual sexual sin. Yet do you find any books chastising women's enjoyment of romance novels,
their "female porn"? After all, romance novels create unrealistic expectations of men, just
like porn creates unrealistic expectations of women.

The same goes for Sunday messages at churches across the country. When was the last time you
heard an entire sermon about the harmful effects that romance novels can have on women finding
mates they desire? Yet pastors are not too shy to rant about the harmful effects of pornography.

Here's an analogy that I think shows that many Christians (perhaps women especially) are hypocritical
in this area. Would you complain if Walmart started selling hard-core porn videos and magazines?
And not just a few, but whole racks of them? Would you shop there less, or not at all? If so,
then what are you currently doing about the racks of romance novels they sell?

Are You Becoming Like Noah?

BcauseHeLives — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:34:42 GMT

Are You Becoming Like Noah?

Fresh Manna 2009© by Pastor Tim Burt

Our daughter and son-in-law, who are now Pastors of their own church, took off to a conference this week. So, Renee and I have our two granddaughters Madeline and Macy. With them spending the week with us, it’s amazing how quickly I feel like a dad again. I loved being a dad – and never more than when my kids were small. This week I get to relive having devotions in the morning with my girls. I pulled out one of my daughter’s Bible story books – the story of Noah, and red it to them

In the story, God had told Noah that a great flood was coming that would destroy mankind – with the exception of Noah and his family. What was mankind like at that time that it was so bad that God would bring this kind of judgment? It’s important to know because Jesus said that when He would return for us, it would be like that again. In Matthew 24:37-39 Jesus said, "When the Son of Man returns, it will be like it was in Noah's day. In those days before the Flood, the people were enjoying banquets and parties and weddings right up to the time Noah entered his boat. People didn't realize what was going to happen until the Flood came and swept them all away. That is the way it will be when the Son of Man comes.”

On the surface it doesn’t seem like the world is that bad. All its saying is that “people were enjoying banquets and parties and weddings right up to the time Noah entered his boat.” But, what it’s really implying is that they had no time for God or for His ways. The culture of that day didn’t worry about living morally upright and ethical. As we dig deeper into the days of Noah in Genesis, we get greater insight into what the people were like then and are like before Jesus comes back. Genesis 6:5 reveals, “The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” Other verses indicate there were champions of evil that people saw as heroes. In other words, in the culture of the day, evil became good and good became evil. We are entering into that culture again. Older people are frustrated because they know how much more moral life used to be and they see that the younger are blind to it thinking the older people are just out of touch.

God was patient and warned the people of tht day. While Noah was building the ark, He was also “a preacher of righteousness.” (2 Peter 2:5) He preached God’s warning for 120 years before the flood came showing God’s patience for their repentance and change. Noah had many relatives as man was living up to 700 years plus at that time. None of them were saved in the ark.

Noah was saved – resulting in His family being saved because “he had found grace in the eyes of the Lord.” Genesis 6:9 tells us, “Noah was a righteous man, the only blameless man living on earth at the time. He consistently followed God's will and enjoyed a close relationship with Him.”

If you are living for the Lord today because of your love for Him, the world’s ways of life will try to make you look odd, outdated, out of touch with the times, even delusional because of your faith in God. The world will also hate the interference of fun and free will that they perceive sincere Christians represent. They will hate you for calling their lifestyle sinful or evil. That day is already here.

You may feel like a Noah in some ways but, I encourage you, keep close to God and don’t get sucked into moral depravity. Don’t let a “What’s the use?” attitude draw you away from God. Be the lover of God and the “Preacher of Righteousness” of in your sphere of influence. It doesn’t mean you’ll look like a fanatic condemning everyone. It means you share the love of Jesus while remaining moral and ethical as guided by God’s Word. You along with Noah, have found “grace in His eyes.”

Romans 5:21 “Just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God's wonderful kindness rules instead, giving us right standing with God through His grace and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

In His love,
Pastor Tim

Published by Pastor Tim Burt
Copyright© 2009 Tim Burt, All rights reserved.

Request for prayers and advice

Tru2Him — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:10:33 GMT

Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since I have been here and I miss all of you tremendously.

Randy and I are requesting prayers for our daughter, Savannah. Her personality has changed in the last several months and she has started hanging with some questionable characters in our opinion. She always tells us that she is trying to be a positive influence in these people's lives but she is increasingly becoming like them in her mannerisms. She is asking us for permission to do things that she knows we would never agree to. Like today for instance, she called her daddy and asked if she could go to a concert in Covington, KY (a 4 or 5 hour trip from home) tonight with three of her guy friends from college. She knows that we would never allow her to go with three guys we know let alone with three guys that we have never met before. Yet she got mad when Randy told her that she could not go.

It seems to us that she is becoming rebellious just for rebellion's sake and will stand against us no matter how right we might be. Randy tried to explain to her the other day that we as human beings tend to act like the people we hang out with and he wasn't being accusatory in any way but she just stood firm saying that she doesn't act like them. She gets angry almost instantly when we say anything about her attitude toward us or if we say anything that she perceives is derogatory against her friends.

It is causing some grave concerns for Randy and me and we just don't know what to do about the situation at this point. Please
stand with us in prayer for her that God would show her that the path she is currently traveling will only lead to heartache for her and those around her if she doesn't stand firm in her belief in Him. Randy and I both know that Savannah loves the Lord. At times she has the strongest faith of anyone I know and her love for Him is remarkable. Yet there are times that I question her commitment and surrender to the Christian life. She is being blinded right now and heading down a wrong road that we have prayed that neither of our kids would head down.

Thank you all in advance for standing with us in this.

Also, have any of you been down this road with one of your kids? Do you have any advice for us? We are truly at our wits end.

Thanks.

on the brink of divorce and I can't blame him for it.

c816 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:56 GMT

Four years ago I married my husband and as I walked down the aisle I had doubts. Part of me wanted to run the other direction, part wanted to keep o going, another thought 'hey there is always divorce.' In the first couple weeks of our marriage I was unfaithful, and a couple months later I found out I was pregant. I can not be 100% sure that my daughter is my husband's and this doubt has haunted me since I looked down at my pregancy test. I kept this silent. During my pregnancy and almost the fist year of my daughters life I was angry. I was mad that he was not as doughting as I wanted, or transitioned to fatherhood as I thought he should have. I was mad that I did walk down the aisle, and I was mad at what I had done.
I began to find false happiness by joining chat rooms, particularly those of unhappy married people. I felt connected and understood. Flirtation began with online "friends" and email / txt corresondance began. Although I was not physically unfaithful, this time I was emotionally. My husband on a couple of occasions found my emails/txt. Sometimes he would keep quiet others he would confront me. I usually wiggled my way out. A year ago my marraige almost ended and he almost walked out. We decided to work it out and we have done strides.
I am afraid of him, not because he is violent or abusive (he is not) but because he bottles things up and I fear one day he will explode. My biggest fear is that he would fight and win custody of our daughter. This comes from last year when he dicovered my emotional infidelity he left with our daughter and threatend not to come back. He did not go and did return but I have been truamitzed and wake up in the middle of the night fearing that he has left w/ her.
As I said earlier i have paternal doubt and I finally had enough, i dont know what to call it, to purchase a DNA kit. When it arrived I chickened out and hid it. This weekend he found it and as you can imagine his disappointment, hurt, pain etc. He asked what happend but all I could do was sob, I could not even abmitt clearly what had happend. I would begin stop, skip a couple words stop. Hoping he understood with out me actually having to say it aloud. He walked out to let out steam I presume and returned late that night to sleep on the couch. And again last night. We have not spoken, just a couple nessecities. I still dont know if he will stay, will he forgive me, yet again...
I am no closer to knowing for sure any of the questions I have and ask for prayer.

Is "Tough Love" right for our relationship?

confused555 — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:37:21 GMT

I have been reading the theory and principles behind “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. The principles seem appropriate for our situation. She feels hurt by me for the years of control, lack of appreciation, and lack of support. I am taking the steps to change. She has acknowledged that she sees the changes yet says she does not feel them. She has mentioned moving out several times and I have said I am not going to stop you, but have also begged her to give it time before she goes. She says she wants to move into an apartment, but the ones she found all had year leases, and she wanted something shorter. I have begged her not to on two occasions.

We tried marriage counseling. We had two meetings with our pastor, and after the second one she felt like her feelings were not being taken into an account and that the years of hurt and pain can’t just go away. We meet with a different marriage / grief counselor last Monday and when she asked the counselor what do with all the feelings she was having towards me the counselor asked her to write them down. My wife did not see the benefit in that and right after we left the counseling session she exploded on me. She has since said she is not ready for marriage counseling, and she needs to focus on herself, and she just wants to be happy. She does have an appointment next Monday for an individual grief counselor. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. However, her actions are not all negative. Sometimes she says she wants to work on the relationship. Her feelings can change 3 times in one hour. She started texting this guy a lot and I confronted her and she admitted to it being inappropriate, but only the start of an emotional affair. She said it was wrong and she would stop. According the “Love Must Be Tough” principals (very simplified) I should tell her she is free to go and open the cage for her.

However, there is one thing that is holding me back from all this. Her dad died in July after a year long battle with lung cancer. The year long ordeal took its toll on my wife. She was an emotional wreck for a year. When he died her grief went through the roof. I know everyone grieves differently, but for her this was a major loss. Also on her plate 2 weeks after her dad died she found out her mother has terminal cancer and has 2 years to live. The breakdown in our relationship occurred shortly after her mom ended up in the hospital from side effects of chemo, and seeing her mom for the first time without any hair. She has not had any grief counseling. This next Monday will be her first appointment. I have not been a good husband for the last 14 years all and my recent attempts to change and help out more have been meet with resentment and anger. I know this is normal, and there is no timeline to be followed.

She asked for space the other day, and rather than her move out and really disrupt the children’s lives I suggested I move out for a while. I am staying in a hotel for now.

Her family has called me and asked about her because she has ignored their calls and has not confided our relationship problems to them. She used to confide every detail of her life with her sister and mother. Now they are asking me what is going on. Early in this her sister told her she could not believe she was going to give up on our marriage. Her sister encouraged her to work on our marriage. After that conversation my wife said she was tired of her family controlling her also. She has abandoned all her old friends she says that her friends are trying are trying to control her and only want from her. She is tired of giving to all of them. She has not confided her feelings about our relationship to her family or old friends. She has started a new friendship with a lady 30 years older than her. They have only been friends for about 3 months (right after her dad died and her mom was diagnosed) my wife says this lady is like a mother to her, and the lady says she is like the daughter she never had. This lady has given her a job at a business she owns. My wife was a stay at home mom until 1 month ago. This lady has taken my wife out and bought her clothes. They are planning a trip to Jamaica together. She spends 4 to 5 nights a week with her. She also works with her so they are together all the time.

So with all that should I follow the tough love guidelines and set her free, or is this not the time for tough love? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Theological questions

TimD65 — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:44:07 GMT

Since there isn't a proper forum for this, I'll post it here.

I think we can all agree with the verse that says if we confess our sins, He will forgive us. The question I have is: Does this apply to future sins? If we know we are about to sin and ask for forgiveness immediately prior to committing the sin, are we forgiven? As in "God, forgive me" a split second before you pull the trigger. or run the stop sign or what ever.

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED-FOR COURT CASE NOW IN PROGRESS....

Twinkleeyes07 — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:01:44 GMT

I am asking everyone who reads this to be in deep prayer for this little girl (Caroline) & her mom (Amie). They are fighting to keep this little girl away from her perverted father who has lots of money & clout in the town he lives in (in SC). Please pray for the Lord to take the blinders off of the judges eyes so he can see the true man this little girls father is. I am not sure how long court will go on,..so please keep this at the top of your prayer list for this week. I know they are in court at this very moment(Eastern time). Thanks & God bless!

Please pray for Carla

Renae610 — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:43:21 GMT

Some of you know my 21 year old daughter's history of severe chronic illness over the last 10 years. There are not words to express how deeply grateful I am to all of you who have been praying!! Your prayers resulted in a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH diagnosis in June 2007. PRAISE GOD!!!

The good treatments she has been on over the last year produced a little improvement for a while but now for many months -- nothing more. I have researched and thought I was going to have to take her out of state for further help, but last week, God put a professional in our life who does EXACTLY what is needed now and he's only 20 miles aways!! PRAISE GOD!!
I also need God to reveal when other professionals and methods are needed to.

I ask you all to continue praying fervently, BOLDLY, that God would heal her!!
I declare TODAY in full faith, that with your prayers and mine in agreement, that Carla is an Overcomer through Christ who strengthens and heals her!! I trust that the Holy Spirit WILL give the daily guidance, wisdom, strength, finances, etc. that are needed in my whole situation.

God bless you and your loved ones too!!!

In Christ's love,

~Renae

Did He Think About Sex Every 7 Minutes Too?

pooh girl — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:00:24 GMT

If a great percentage of men can't help the way they are made meaning they were made to think about sex every 7 minutes and made to be tempted day in and day out sexually, then does that also apply to Jesus?

What I mean is that if Jesus was a man and was tempted in every way, then did Jesus think about sex every 7 minutes too?

Was he as tempted sexually constantly considering he was a man and must have been just as visual as any other man?

Favorite Songs

TimD65 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:40:38 GMT

Do you have a favorite song that you would like to share? Post a link to it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJXCSM3Wg5I is one of many of mine.

do I just need more tolerance for my husband?

BerthaAgain — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:24:22 GMT

My husband has always been overly dramatic when it comes to getting hurt, sick, etc...

Which is the opposite of what I'm used to in a guy -- my father was never this way, and my ex-h was actually the complete opposite.

It's bugged me even in the fact that now our boys over-react to every bump, scratch and bruise. (just like Dad).

NOW, he just went for an MRI...and was stressing about it -- "reality" of what they were testing for. He's had pressure in his head, headaches, dizziness since the beginning of the year. I've been urging him to get this checked out. Finally he went to ENT (we're thinking allergies) but this doc wants to rule out any other possibilities -- so scheduled him for MRI and allergy testing. He didn't want to have sex the night before because he had "too much on his mind". I was shocked at that...even when I suggested it might take it off his mine, he wasn't interested...like he WANTED to be thinking about it. He ended up having a panic attack and couldn't have it done. Now he's a grump. Couldn't sleep last night because of this "new found phobia". It's all he wanted to talk about. He's mentioned not going back or having it done at all.

Am I just being intolerant? Or is he being a bit ridiculous?

Divorce..when is it time?

eternalpurpose — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:09:23 GMT

How do you know when it is time to move on? We are trying so hard...but my husband basically hates being around me. I try to be all that he needs me to be....but I still seem to fail. I don't know what to do..I don't want to make him miserable...nor do I want to be.....it just seems like there has to be a way...but nothing good is happening. I want to stay married...I just don't know what to do...I don't think he wants to stay married .....it has been so up and down...and lately mostly down. I am sad and I just want this to work out well.

Any ideas?

Come out of Babylon

patrickmcb — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:50:11 GMT

I have recently finish a bible college class on the Book of Revelation. During the study and the discussion of Babylon the Lord shows me how pervasive pagan idolatry is and how permissive the Christian community is about it. As today is Halloween and it is open season on Christmas, I am troubled by the coming holidays.

God's prohibition against idols has not changed, Christmas simply a combination of pagan holidays, most of them involving sun worship (such as Roman Saturnalia) wrapped up into one, with Jesus' birthday thrown on top. And where is the bible are we directed or commanded to celebrate His birthday? Nowhere.

Don't bother calling me a legalist, unless you are blameless yourself.

Computer techies---Question

bestofky — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:37:07 GMT

I just got a new laptop and it's OS is Windows 7.

I really love it except.....when I post here the message box for the "Post a New Message" does not have the "options" that were available with Windows XP (Text options such as bold, italics, font size, etc.).

My question is....is there a way of activating these options?

Thanks,
bestofky

"Quicken"

JaneFW — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 17:00:40 GMT

Does anyone here use "Quicken" to plot their household expenses/budget? I looked online yesterday and saw there was a free (free in the short term!) download but I don't want to mess with it unless it actually does help. Currently, I use Excel spreadsheets which work okay, but could be better. At work I use QuickBooks for office accounting and absolutely hate it.

Anyone have any input?

Prom theme ideas?

BcauseHeLives — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:18:35 GMT

My daughter is part of the prom committee at school.

I suggested The Garden of Eden, but she said no one would vote yes for it.

Any ideas?

Really Hurting

busymom234 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 11:14:01 GMT

so, I had posted awhile ago that I was concerned about a relationship that my husband had started with a woman he had met at Gottschalks. He shared with me how she had a bad marriage. Her husband didn't support them financially and was so terrible. I don't remember all he said, but I just was uncomfortable with how they met and what she was willing to share with my husband a perfect stranger. Also the fact that he had given her his cell phone number. I asked him not to keep bringing her up. So he stopped. She called our home phone number and left a message saying that she would love to join us for a Bible study or get together. I told my husband that I wasn't interested. He said that he was "appalled" that I wouldn't want to reach out to someone who was hurting and didn't have any friends.

Any way 2 nights ago, I just had the feeling that I should check his phone to see if he had eliminated her name from his phone. (he had told me that he had). I have never doubted my husband before and never peeked into his phone. Anyway I checked and her name was still there! Not only that but there was test from her that said "I have been thinking of you" and later "Nite." I was shocked.

My husband left for work that day and later when he called home, I asked if he had heard from her since I had never responded to her message. He said , "I don't know you check the messages." I said you haven't heard from her? He said "No, I took her name out of my phone, you asked me too." By this time I was looking at a copy of our phone bill. He had talked or test-msg with her 36 times in the last couple of days! After checking the phone bill for the last 6 months, I see that he has had quite a relationship with her all the way back till May!

I can't begin to share how hurt I am. Devastated that he flat out lied. I never knew him to do that with me.

Later that night we went for a walk and I again brought her up and he said he had deleted her phone just like I had asked. He again said he hadn't spoken with her! Then he asked what was in my pocket. I said it is a copy of your cell phone bill. and I showed him what I had found. he had no words. He swears she is just a "friend" and that he never slept with her, never even met with her. Just all on the phone. I told him he was having an affair and he denied it. I said an emotional affair at the very least.

I feel so betrayed and lost. I love my hsuband and want to work things out. I told him we need counseling. This has probably been one of our hardest years of marriage. I see now he checked out emotionally 5 months ago. he is not totally at fault. I have not loved, supported, respected him as I should have. We have not had a good sex life in a long time.

I made him give me his phone. Today he got mad and said if he didn't get a phone, then I shouldn't have one either. I told him I was the one who abused it.

I don't know, I guess if he still wants to call her he can do it from anywhere. We do have kids in Texas and Va. and he calls his parents in Pa. nearly everyday on his way to work. I just had the phone number changed. He has deleted her number. Should I let him have the cell phone back? He has a long commute to work each day.

I went to counseling today. I hope he will be willing to as well. Should I call that woman and tell her not to call anymore, that I know about their relationship and it stops now!

Thanks for listening.

I jsut don't know what I want anymore.

Security

eternalpurpose — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 05:15:56 GMT

Hello All-

I just wanted some advice/prayers as we go through some marriage problems. Right now I am really struggling with the fact that our marriage lacks security..one min I am the woman of his dreams and when he is mad I am the women that he would be so much happier without. I am working on my flaws...and he on his...but I just don't know how many more fights we can make it through. I hate not knowing what is going to happen.

We seems to be able to get along until the next issue comes up...and we have been fighting often...just can only seem to get the issues worked out on the surface...just enough to get by for a short amount of time....I don't know what to do anymore :(

Any ideas...prayers etc would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Eternal Purpose:)

Anyone Have Good News? Lets Hear it!

mzjh20 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 20:27:53 GMT

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

I'm fairly new to this board, and have grown to love it. This is a wonderful place for fellow believers to come and receive great advice and encouragement during times of sadness and heartache. I would like to ask those of you who have recently experienced the goodness and blessings of God to share with us here. Give us all a little refresher if you don't mind sharing.

Here's my good news (every little bit helps!)

I've been going through a lot of hearache lately with my husband. I've been very angry, sad, hurt, and bitter over what he has done to me and our growing family (2 kids and pregnant). It's posted somewhere on this forum. But last week, I received a wonderful blessing. One morning I woke up and the anger, hurt, sadness, and bitterness were gone! Just gone! In the middle of my pity party. I wasn't even finished with my party. I felt like my good old happy self again and it felt SO GOOD I hardly recognized it. It's felt like forever since I felt this way. What a miracle! What a blessing! The strange thing is, my situation is still the same. My husband is still the same. But I've changed. I'm not extremely happy, but I'm no longer deeply hurting. PRAISE GOD!

Broken & In Need of Prayers

FAITHEY — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 13:53:04 GMT

As some of you will remember, my husband and I have been separated for two and a half years. He has been living with the OW with whom he was committing adultery with. We reconcilled this past November and he left. He came home three weeks ago (I do not want to mention my husband's name for privacy reasons) and now he is in the midst of a crisis.

My husband was diagnosed with manic depression (bi-polar disorder) over a year ago. His first accurate diagnosis. Years ago we sought treatment for what the doctor stated was depression. He went to therapy, would take medication and then would feel better and stop. After this last diagnosis, he started treatment and later stopped. Starting a new cycle once again. He thought he could overcome it on his own, but he could not.

He came home three weeks ago on a downward spiral. Wanting to isolate himself from everyone. The past week has been the worse. I daily encouraged him to seek help. To which he said he was but did not want me or anyone else to be a part of. His sleep patterns were off. No sleep at night, slept most of the day. It was difficult to get him up and get him to eat. I advised my therapist of this. I said I need to do an intervention with him. She said that if he did not get up and was able to get to work today, then I would have to intervene. I called his sister. I explained it to her. I told her this needed to be the whole family. I told her if he did not agree, that other measures would have to be taken.

Yesterday at lunch, I came home to bring him lunch. I managed to get him up and to eat. After work, when I came home yesterday, he did not look well. He kept telling me that he was in trouble (used another word). I said that I was there to help and that he was not alone. He said he would have to go away (meaning hospital). I told him that was okay. That going to the hospital meant that he was going to get help. He went from being sad/scarred/tears to being angry and verbally abusive. He said he did not want me near him, that I would not be the one to take him to the hospital. I told him that his well being was my priorty. That he simply needed help.

He called the OW to come pick him up and take him to the hospital. I got on the phone with her and advised her that my only concern was for his well being and safety. I would put aside all other issues for his sake, I adivsed that I wanted to come along and be informed. My husband did not want me to go along and wanted me not to be involved at all. Especially if decisions needed to be made, I being his wife could legally make some decisions. She then advised that I was no longer his next of kin. I hung up and spoke to his sister and asked her to mediate the situation.

I allowed the OW into my home, I humbly asked that I be kept informed. He was hesitant to leave. He told me how sorry he was for doing this to me. I assured him that what mattered most was him receiving the help he needed. She went into our room to help him put on his shirt.

I cannot not begin to describe how broken and humiliated I felt. I have been by my husband's side for 21 years and now had to step outside and let this OW assist him in our home and drive him to the hospital. I would do it over again, because what matters most was him getting help. He was admitted at 1:30 a.m. I am worried sick about him. I have no information. He will not have any visitors, but I do not know for how long.

Before he left he hugged me and told me he was scarred. I wonder how he spent the night, have they started him on medication, what course of treatment will they implement, how long do they recommend he stay....

I feel like I failed my husband. I was not agressive enough with him on his keeping up with treatment. I know that he has not being living with me for a very long time, I sit here and wonder what else could I have done. I know that it is up to him to stay on treatment, but I feel like this is all my fault.

His family feels he deteriorates when he is with me. Not a fair statment. When he came home three weeks ago he was already in a bout of depression. He told me he feels safe when he is home. He even told his sister. He is struggling and my hearts aches and breaks for him. I just want to see him start his recovery where he starts to feel better and becomes healthier.

Right now, I'm struggling. I do blame myself in part for his condition. I'm besides myself. I love my husband so very much. I'm worried sick. At the same time, I am hurt by his choosing the OW over me to take him to the hospital and listing her of his next kin. Sometimes, I feels he hates me and clearly he does not trust me right now. I realize that this could very well be part of his disorder and that he is not capable of making sound decisions. But it does not take the hurt away.

Please pray that God brings complete healing to my husband. That God would be the lighting guide with all the physicians that are treating him. That my husband is able to feel God's love, serenity and peace. I pray that he does not feel alone. I pray that God's penetrating light will lift him up out of this darkness.

Please pray for me and our children as well.

i miss everyone of my critics here. :) can you guess who?

picme — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:51:19 GMT

just saying hello to everyone and missing all of my critics here. lol i'm not new here, but in case you're interested to know my kids and i are doing fine. we moved to a new house and i'm in my second year! praise Him!

how's everyone doing these days?

how to do this? really trying!

BerthaAgain — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 04:26:10 GMT

How do I keep up this marriage, when all I can see is a man I truly do not like? It's a person, at this point in my life, I would not marry. We are now going on 9-1/2 years....and have had many struggles. I'm trying to make this work. I'm trying to see the good in him...and there is some. It's just that it's so much, daily, not good -- traits of someone I would not care to marry. But I did. What do I do now?

And, our 7 yr. old has said he "hates" dad...more than once. This totally hurt my h's feelings (of course)...but not sure he takes it seriously -- as if one of his kids could actually not naturally love him. Our son has tried to tell me, several times, that he really does not like his father. This is the one I posted about who's father left a mark on him. This boy is a generally happy boy -- with a literral sparkle in his eye. His father "squashes" his happiesness and sparkle the moment he comes home from work. It's so sad.

What to do?

Feel like marriage is ending how did anyone break it to the kids?

APERSONinPA — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:49:51 GMT

As subject says. I dontt want it to happen but one cannot carry on if the other checks out. I feel this happening

Only Appropriate Anger is Appropriate!

BcauseHeLives — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:46:12 GMT

Only Appropriate Anger is Appropriate!

Fresh Manna 2009© by Pastor Tim Burt

There was a time in my life many years ago, that I would occasionally erupt like a volcanic eruption. I am ashamed of those days. I do not and have not let that happen in my life in a great many years.

Anger is a valid emotion but one that has a boundary and whose line can too easily be crossed. We are instructed in Eph 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin…” This verse is instructional and insightful. God clearly teaches us that, anger in itself is not sin, that it can be carried to the point of sin, and that it can give the devil a foothold. That literally means “giving the devil occupancy – a place to dwell.”

For some people, their anger not only crosses the line of inappropriateness into sinning but they practically inviting the devil to sit down at their table and sign a long term lease to live with them. How does that happen?

Anger unrestrained will lead to all kinds of outbursts that cause regret. People that sin in their anger seldom stay on the issue they are angry over. They often draw past offenses and hurts to the scene. This causes anger to swell. Then begin to mull over these extra offenses which will start to cause internal swelling to the original anger. That can become the early stage of rage which always leads to irrational thinking. Eruption is now brewing below the surface. Unbridled anger or rage leads to irrational thoughts that then lead to thoughts of every kind of evil. James 3:16 says it like this, “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”

As words begin to erupt from this anger, they begin to flow like lava and the devil now has a foothold. The words will be destructive and do damage to anyone in its path. In many cases, those words do long term damage that people may or may not recover from.

Gods wisdom tells us the danger in letting our anger ever cross the boundaries of inappropriateness.

Proverbs 27:4 says, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming…” Prov 14:17 says, “A quick-tempered man does foolish things….

You need to take on God’s temperament. Psalms 103:8 reveals, “The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.” God isn’t expecting people to meet His perfection. He had Jesus come and do that. Jesus was the only one who could. God is driven by love to help people make progress with great patience.

To keep anger from turning to rage, limit yourself to how much you think about or mull it over. Speak few words about it as words cause anger to grow. Pray to ask God to help you forgive – seek forgiveness for your own personal faults at the time of your anger toward someone else. Finally, pray for that person from a spirit of love and faith with the sincere desire to help them.

Eph 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

In His love,
Pastor Tim

Published by Pastor Tim Burt
Copyright© 2009 Tim Burt, All rights reserved.
http://readfreshmanna.blogspot.com/