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Do you ever go to church and see all of the happy looking people there - and stop to wonder how many of them are really broken and hurting?
Some of you know that I had an accident last month. I broke both of my arms (this is not a pity story - I'm making a point). I do not have a cast on my elbow - they don't cast adult elbows. I'm just not allowed to use that arm much. I have a splint on my wrist, but I can take the thing off if I'm not using my broken hand. Anyway, I don't look broken if I'm not wearing my wrist thing. I look whole and pain free. But I'm not. You have to look closely to see how damaged I am, to see that I struggle with even small things. You have to take the time and effort to see what is really going on - that I'm far from being whole, and that yes, I need help with things - even opening a church door is difficult. But you don't know that from my appearance.
How many people in church are really broken? Broken marriages, broken relatinships with Christ -?How many people do we casually greet on Sunday mornings, but not take the time to get to know them, to find out where they're really hurting, how we can help them more effectively?. I know that many churches have community groups - but is that enough? You get to know the people in your group, and people who aren't in your group, or even in a group at all - you miss helping them in their brokenness.
I'm speaking to myself here - and to others. I know people in my own church that assume that if someone is in church every Sunday, then they're okay. That they're okay physically, spiritually, in their marriages. But it's so easy to put on the "church face", look healthy and unbroken during church. And then - go home to cry from the broken marriage or broken arms. The people that support us in our weekly church attendance might do better to spend time looking for ways to support people in the "stuff" of daily life - the brokenness that we all encounter.
pooh girl:I agree that often we see people and with their church faces on, but don't realize how many go home as broken people. I have hurt before and I'm good at just looking good on the outside too. Churches could do a better a job of outreach I think. On the other hand, to be fair how could they know or get to know your hurt, pain, marriage problems, physical illness etc without you telling them. It's a give and take perhaps on both parts.
I've thought about this often too. Because I have been broken & no one saw. I remember thinking...how can they not see I'm broken? Ha!
I agree with you Pooh that it has to be a little of both. Seeking help and reaching out.
I think sometimes shame & guilt is so attached to the brokeness it's hard for people to open up about.
How does the church combat shame & guilt? I think that might be a key factor.
I think you have to say something.Like "how are you" (is the question) and you say HORRIBBLE my arms are broken..then the person turns red and walks off..
That happened to me one time..I bumped into my pastor ..I was at the church in the afternoon to deliver a casserole or something for later..I remember I had my dog Blue with me(he was a puppy Rottie) he asked me how "was I"..well actually I was NOT good.I said "not good..I feel like Im walking on the edge of a cliff and Im fixing to fall off"..
His eyes went cross eyed and he stuttered somethign like..Im sorry to hear that I'll pray for you see you later.He didnt really want to know how I was..But I dont care.I'll still say it.Maybe he'll learn next time not to ask.
Love
Dallas
Yeah. It's that shame thing.
What brought this up was - I haven't been real regular in church lately. Mostly it's been real, gosh darn crap in life. Physical stuff - I haven't been able to convince the church board to have seats with cushy arms rests for broken people! Family hassles. But also there is the element that - I'm tired, I just need some time this summer to hang out, to attend church when I've wanted to. I've felt that since God and my dh understood, then it was okay.
Instead I got a call from someone that I rarely see outside of church. When I tried to tell her what my life had been like lately, I didn't get compassion or understanding. She tried to guilt me into doing Christianity and church her way. She tried to bully me into attending church according to her convictions. Made me not want to open myself up to her or to others, because of situations like that.
Yes, we need to talk to people, tell them what is going on in their lives. But - it really is a two way street. When broken people talk to us, we need to be quick to listen, to offer support....Opening up to people, admiting that we need help - it's not always the first thing that we are going to do. It's easy to look at the superficialities of life - people are in church, so they must be okay, and we can just let 'em go. If they aren't in church, then that is the only time we should be concerned about them. But that isn't necessarily so.
Awww Gabby! That's crummy. She didn't offer you any support at all?
We're spotty at church lately too. Things have been so incredibly busy. And before that my H was busy in the fields & not coming...I'm blessed in that my church family isn't judgemental. They will gently let me know if they're concerned but they don't preach at me or make me feel judged.
If would have been nice if she had simply asked you if there was anything she could do for you & left it at that. No condemnation or judgement.
It's too bad, she missed a wonderful opportunity to serve one of God's beautiful saints!
Thanks, BHL. No, she didn't offer any support. Just judgement. Even after I told her about my arms. Unfortunately, it came during a really rough week, physically. I'd been struggling to gain enough use of my broken elbow so that I could have my broken hand splinted. That hurt a lot - but I couldn't have no use of both at the same time...there was a day last week when I proudly told my dh that I was "independent" in the bathroom with my broken arm! Potty trained at mid life! What an accomplishment! But it had been a rough time...She thought she was showing the love of Christ with her lecture, but His love could have been shown more clearly with an offer to come mop the kitchen floor (or whatever).
But I didn't mean to turn this into a gripe session - I really think that Christ is teaching me through this time of brokenness. What, I'm not sure exactly. Except that - I do think it's easy to make snap judgements about people, about what they need or don't need physically, spiritually - to make quick assessments, and to not take time/effort to find out what is *really* happening. Just because we see people looking "perfect" and complete on Sundays doesn't mean that they really are...and yes, the broken people need to let others know they are hurt, but that takes trust....for someone that has been hurt, that trust isn't easy.
chaz345:Reminds me of a song by Casting Crowns. There's sort of two sides to the whole thing though. Some people put on their happy face to avoid admitting they need help and others do it so that they won't be a burden to others. Both are equally bad in terms of limiting the effectiveness of the body though. Stained Glass Masqurade google_protectAndRun("ads_core.google_render_ad", google_handleError, google_render_ad) Is there anyone that failsIs there anyone that fallsAm I the only one in church today feelin’ so smallCause when I take a look aroundEverybody seems so strongI know they’ll soon discoverThat I don’t belongSo I tuck it all away, like everything’s okayIf I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it tooSo with a painted grin, I play the part againSo everyone will see me the way that I see them*Chorus*Are we happy plastic peopleUnder shiny plastic steeplesWith walls around our weaknessAnd smiles to hide our painBut if the invitation’s openTo every heart that has been brokenMaybe then we close the curtainOn our stained glass masqueradeIs there anyone who’s been thereAre there any hands to raiseAm I the only one who’s tradedIn the altar for a stageThe performance is CONVINCINGAnd we know every line by heartOnly when no one is watchingCan we really fall apartBut would it set me freeIf I dared to let you seeThe truth behind the personThat you imagine me to beWould your arms be openOr would you walk awayWould the love of JesusBe enough to make you stayChorus x2Well if the invitation’s openTo every heart that has been brokenMaybe then we close the curtainOn our stained glass masqueradeIs there anyone that failsIs there anyone that fallsAm I the only one in church today feelin’ so small
Is there anyone that failsIs there anyone that fallsAm I the only one in church today feelin’ so smallCause when I take a look aroundEverybody seems so strongI know they’ll soon discoverThat I don’t belongSo I tuck it all away, like everything’s okayIf I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it tooSo with a painted grin, I play the part againSo everyone will see me the way that I see them*Chorus*Are we happy plastic peopleUnder shiny plastic steeplesWith walls around our weaknessAnd smiles to hide our painBut if the invitation’s openTo every heart that has been brokenMaybe then we close the curtainOn our stained glass masqueradeIs there anyone who’s been thereAre there any hands to raiseAm I the only one who’s tradedIn the altar for a stageThe performance is CONVINCINGAnd we know every line by heartOnly when no one is watchingCan we really fall apartBut would it set me freeIf I dared to let you seeThe truth behind the personThat you imagine me to beWould your arms be openOr would you walk awayWould the love of JesusBe enough to make you stayChorus x2Well if the invitation’s openTo every heart that has been brokenMaybe then we close the curtainOn our stained glass masqueradeIs there anyone that failsIs there anyone that fallsAm I the only one in church today feelin’ so small
Yes! I thought of this song too Chaz.
Gabby,
It would seem to me that insecurity that comes from spotty, lacking, rushed teaching creates a lot of this (you think?). I'm remembering so much from reading your words, here. Being a man has handicapped me a lot from asking women about how they are, meaning it, and listening/involving myself. I've actually gotten into some pretty big trouble, trying to do the right thing. Still, in your case, I really, really hated to read that you got this response!
I hope you are able to run into alternatives that God proves, Himself.
Gabby50: Yeah. It's that shame thing. What brought this up was - I haven't been real regular in church lately. Mostly it's been real, gosh darn crap in life. Physical stuff - I haven't been able to convince the church board to have seats with cushy arms rests for broken people! Family hassles. But also there is the element that - I'm tired, I just need some time this summer to hang out, to attend church when I've wanted to. I've felt that since God and my dh understood, then it was okay. Instead I got a call from someone that I rarely see outside of church. When I tried to tell her what my life had been like lately, I didn't get compassion or understanding. She tried to guilt me into doing Christianity and church her way. She tried to bully me into attending church according to her convictions. Made me not want to open myself up to her or to others, because of situations like that. Yes, we need to talk to people, tell them what is going on in their lives. But - it really is a two way street. When broken people talk to us, we need to be quick to listen, to offer support....Opening up to people, admiting that we need help - it's not always the first thing that we are going to do. It's easy to look at the superficialities of life - people are in church, so they must be okay, and we can just let 'em go. If they aren't in church, then that is the only time we should be concerned about them. But that isn't necessarily so.
Im sorry she treated you that way.Thats actually the reason I left the church I mentioned early.They pressured and guilt tripped me into making comittments I wasn't prepared for or ready for.
And the thing about being O.K if you are in church? Im sorry but a lot of people are actually driven to church by some sort of brokeness.And its also ridiculous to think that regular members over the years dont have life struggles.And if you are attending and stop coming as often or suddenly stop coming I would think they would be concerned if everything is O.K and if you could use some help.I will say my church did help me when I had a minor surgery.The pastor came to the sugery center to pray with me before the surgery and wish me well..then the ladies brought food to the house for 2 days.
That woman that called you should have been more concerned with trying to help you than getting you back into church regardless of what was going on in your life.
At the church we have attended most recently..There is a card you can fill out if you need someone to call you.That makes it easy in a sense you dont have to just blurt something out face to face.That church has 4,000 members.And its ridculous to think everyone is deleriously happy just because they are there.There are people who are sick ..going through divorces..in financial turmoil..struggling with addictions..and on and on .
The woman that called you needs to be removed from that position or someone needs to talk to her because she could turn people off from wanting to go back.If you are comfortable with it.I would contact the church and tell them how she made you feel.
I flat out told my church I was leaving and not coming back because of the bullying to get me to serve...it was more like a job than a spirtual relationship.
Gabby50: Do you ever go to church and see all of the happy looking people there - and stop to wonder how many of them are really broken and hurting?
I did until they started talking. Somedays it seems as tho I'm talking to people who are standing on the dock watching the boat sail away and they are talking about what a great cruise they are on. ??
I'm actually not at all sure that I want to go back to that church because I don't think it's anyone's business how often I am there. My church attendance should be between me and God (with my dh as well). No one else.
The people that know me - that see me outside of church - they are the ones that know if I have physical, spiritual needs. Just because I am in church doesn't mean that everything is peachy. That's my whole concern here. How often do we only get concerned about people if they aren't in church? There are so many people that attend church and are completely broken. So it torques me that people only call me if they see me missing church (there was someone else that called also. But at least she was *nice*). If we were friends, they would know all along what was happening - when things started to go bad for my mom, when I broke my arms.
I have indirectly contacted the church about this. One of the main volunteers. He has some clout, and he may see that something is done, especially if my dh and I really completely leave. On the other hand, I don't want to raise a stink. I'm just praying for that gal that tongue lashed me, that God will soften her heart and her tongue.
Gabby50: I'm actually not at all sure that I want to go back to that church because I don't think it's anyone's business how often I am there. My church attendance should be between me and God (with my dh as well). No one else. The people that know me - that see me outside of church - they are the ones that know if I have physical, spiritual needs. Just because I am in church doesn't mean that everything is peachy. That's my whole concern here. How often do we only get concerned about people if they aren't in church? There are so many people that attend church and are completely broken. So it torques me that people only call me if they see me missing church (there was someone else that called also. But at least she was *nice*). If we were friends, they would know all along what was happening - when things started to go bad for my mom, when I broke my arms. I have indirectly contacted the church about this. One of the main volunteers. He has some clout, and he may see that something is done, especially if my dh and I really completely leave. On the other hand, I don't want to raise a stink. I'm just praying for that gal that tongue lashed me, that God will soften her heart and her tongue.
Welcome to western Christianity.
I dont think its anyones business either.I can on the other hand..understand if you are there all the time and suddenly stop coming..that a phone call to just check and make sure you are O.K..or if you need anything at all is a good thing.And based on that..either a "we miss you and hope to see you soon"..or follow up on anything you might be needing and an offer to keep in touch with you.
Thats not what that women did it doesnt sound like.
And only being concerned if you arent in church? I agree ..but if you arent in a small group with people whom you talk more intimateley with..You're basically in and out of there and no one really knows you..Unless you have sparked up a friendship.Thats why I like the idea of having a card you can fill out..with a request someone contact you.Also at my church on there web-site there are phone #'s to contact counselors and outreach programs.
I guess like I said..unless you have already befriended someone ..or are in a small group where you get into deeper discussions with people..No one is really going to know unless you ask for help.But once they do know..as in that lady that called you..you shouldnt get a lecture or be guilt tripped in to coming back to church ..or made to feel ashamed you have not been attending.
The church I went to..not only was I experiencing a deep depression all they seemed to care about was getting me into as many service roles they could "use' me for.I got 'repremanded" for not showing up one weekend I had been "assigned" for that month to serve communion ..pass the money plate..and stay after and clean up.(my notice to serve that month I missed in the mail).This was a duty as a supposed "deacon" that I had been "elected into" that I never volunteered for.The "head of deacons' called me and gave me a lecture about my responsiblities..and what an inconvenience it caused for me to have not shown up for my duty.
They also litterally threatened to close down childrens worship service if I wouldnt "volunteer" as worship leader.That was within about a month after I joined.They said since my children got to enjoy it ..that it was only fair I volunteered .I thought ..how in the world did they manage then before I joined.And the way it was set up..the activites only took about 30 minutes..and we were down there for an hour in this tiny room..the children wre ages 4 -12..And Im telling you I spent most of the time dealing with ..Im sorry spoiled rotten brats!One kid physically attacked me.
BLAH!! Anyway I understand..
