A Christian organization helping couples build healthier marriages and families.
I hear women complaining that their husbands are gone too much.It makes me feel guilty because I wish my husband was gone more.
He is gone maybe 4 hours a day on average.And that is usually(90% of the time) broken up too.Example he may leave at 10:30 and be back at 12:00 ..then maybe leave from 2:00 to 4:30.And he is home more on the weekends typically.
It is extremely rare that we are seperated for more than a few hours at a time.And since he is a very productive person which is a good thing..he is always doing something..he has even taken over a lot of the house chores because he doesnt like to idle much ..so its like we are bumping in to each other while moving around the house..plus he is always making some sort of racket..on top of the fact I have less to keep me busy..
I think its ridiculous for me to go get some sort of meneal job I cant stand ..that wouldn't solve the problem.+ I like being home.I've been home for the bulk of 20 years.I would feel like I was sort of being squeezed out..if that makes sense.But at the same time its my problem not his because he isnt bothered by being together that much.
Im actually wondering if its some sort of innate instinct or something Im feeling.Because it feels "unatural".This exorbanent amount of time together started in our 30's.
Or is it "unatural" for me to wish we were seperated more?
He's not doing anything in particular ..except there isn't one room in this house I can go in ..that in a matter of minutes usually he is in besides the bathroom not even the garage.
Is there something wrong with me that it feels like my nerves are being grated all the time?
Also this has led to me not really wanting to do anything with him outside of the home.When he says he is taking our son to the movies for instance..do I want to go..(code for he wants me to go)..I see that as an opportunity to grab a couple of hours away from him.We went to a movie about a week and a half ago and he was goofing ..and it was just irritating the heck out of me.
So now he is complaining I never want to do anything with him.And I feel like saying..you have got to be kidding me..every thing I do seems to be with you..when Im sitting down its with you..when I walk through the room its with you..when I breath its with you..when Im talking on the phone its with you....when we are here 20 hours together everysingle day ..if 10 minutes even goes by that we are not within eyesight of each other and hearing distance of every thing from a phone converstaion to a fart its the exception ...not to mention even sleep.Unfortunately he snores.and now Im a light sleeper..so its like I cant even have my own sleep without him involved in it.
Thats another example.When Im on the phone he hears the enitre conversation.Which in most other cricumstances wouldnt be a big deal.But he will try and interject stuff into the conversation Im having with someone..Or he will say.."Oh I heard you talking to MA about D's birthday" etc..If my phone rings in fact he hears that even from another room and deliberately comes out to see who it is out of curiousity...
I've gotten to where I will go and hide when Im on the tele sometimes so I can have a private converstion even though I have nothing hide.
Anyway...Im really not looking for advice because there is really nothing that can be done besides me just leave and go find something to do outside of the home.Which also wouldnt solve the problem though of me never having any privacy unless I hide in a closet or bathroom.
Do ya'll think Im mean?
Love
Dallas
Oh thats the other thing that I think aggravates the situation.Because of the nature of his job...I never know when he is going to leave or come home.I know he never leaves before about 9:30..but he can leave as late as 1..But if he leaves at 9:30 he can walk back in at 10:45..or 2:00..Its so unpredictable.
I can't tell you how many times for example he was gone..and I have been in my sons bedroom for example and I walk out and around the corner and BOOM there is a man standing there.And I scream..Then he laughs at me (because he seems to think thats funny) but he does feel bad and wants to hug me to make me feel better and all I want him to do is get away from me.
(snort!) Dallas, you are definitely NOT normal! (smart remark time)...okay, I'm laughing here - and I hope you understand - because what you say sounds so familiar, except that the amount of togetherness that you have been tolerating sounds awful to me. I don't know how you've stood it, to be honest.
Hmm. What to do? A room in the house that would be *yours* - for crafts, writing, hobby type stuff? Set up house rules for dh and anyone else about entering priveleges...A little house in the yard that would be your place to escape, like a studio? Same idea...encourage him to get a hobby or a volunteer job that would take him away from home certain hours a week - ? So he could have monthly meetings that you could count on (or meetings every day? ;-) ).
Have you tried talking to him about this (forgive me if you've mentioned that - I'm having senior moments here)? That you need time to yourself so that you can be refreshed and more ready to spend time enjoying him (blah blah blah).
I have heard of people who love to be with their spouses - are rarely apart except for, um, hygene - and for them to be separated then sounds like a stretch. But many people are not like that - you and I (for 2) are definitely not.
Yes Dallas You are normal.
I love spending time with my Husband. We are apart only for work, and if something comes up, workwise on the weekend, we go together or not at all. He is off for about 8 weeks on workmen's comp. right now so we are "attached at the hip" (my sister's phrase) and we love it.
I just spent 9 hours away from my Husband. I enjoyed it .......so did he. We are looking forward to telling each other the events of our day.
I think it depends on where you are in life. Some phases we need more space in..... some we don't. It can also be a personality thing.
It might be the case of him interrupting your routine and invading your territory. That is also hard to handle.
dallasapple: I hear women complaining that their husbands are gone too much.It makes me feel guilty because I wish my husband was gone more. He is gone maybe 4 hours a day on average.And that is usually(90% of the time) broken up too.Example he may leave at 10:30 and be back at 12:00 ..then maybe leave from 2:00 to 4:30.And he is home more on the weekends typically. It is extremely rare that we are seperated for more than a few hours at a time.And since he is a very productive person which is a good thing..he is always doing something..he has even taken over a lot of the house chores because he doesnt like to idle much ..so its like we are bumping in to each other while moving around the house..plus he is always making some sort of racket..on top of the fact I have less to keep me busy.. I think its ridiculous for me to go get some sort of meneal job I cant stand ..that wouldn't solve the problem.+ I like being home.I've been home for the bulk of 20 years.I would feel like I was sort of being squeezed out..if that makes sense.But at the same time its my problem not his because he isnt bothered by being together that much. Im actually wondering if its some sort of innate instinct or something Im feeling.Because it feels "unatural".This exorbanent amount of time together started in our 30's. Or is it "unatural" for me to wish we were seperated more? He's not doing anything in particular ..except there isn't one room in this house I can go in ..that in a matter of minutes usually he is in besides the bathroom not even the garage. Is there something wrong with me that it feels like my nerves are being grated all the time? Also this has led to me not really wanting to do anything with him outside of the home.When he says he is taking our son to the movies for instance..do I want to go..(code for he wants me to go)..I see that as an opportunity to grab a couple of hours away from him.We went to a movie about a week and a half ago and he was goofing ..and it was just irritating the heck out of me. So now he is complaining I never want to do anything with him.And I feel like saying..you have got to be kidding me..every thing I do seems to be with you..when Im sitting down its with you..when I walk through the room its with you..when I breath its with you..when Im talking on the phone its with you....when we are here 20 hours together everysingle day ..if 10 minutes even goes by that we are not within eyesight of each other and hearing distance of every thing from a phone converstaion to a fart its the exception ...not to mention even sleep.Unfortunately he snores.and now Im a light sleeper..so its like I cant even have my own sleep without him involved in it. Thats another example.When Im on the phone he hears the enitre conversation.Which in most other cricumstances wouldnt be a big deal.But he will try and interject stuff into the conversation Im having with someone..Or he will say.."Oh I heard you talking to MA about D's birthday" etc..If my phone rings in fact he hears that even from another room and deliberately comes out to see who it is out of curiousity... I've gotten to where I will go and hide when Im on the tele sometimes so I can have a private converstion even though I have nothing hide. Anyway...Im really not looking for advice because there is really nothing that can be done besides me just leave and go find something to do outside of the home.Which also wouldnt solve the problem though of me never having any privacy unless I hide in a closet or bathroom. Do ya'll think Im mean? Love Dallas
you are not mean, i meen all you are wanting is your elba space ya know? have you spoken to banana abut how you are feeling smothered? do you like to sow? or perhabs maybe read a book so banana will stay outta your hair? i meen i woud think he would unnerstand that you love him but you just want him to get off your coat.
I don't know if you all will remember me or not, but I was Being Still. My h & I have been through alot, but I can tell you that does not negate the need for alone time. I totally understand and it doesn't diminish the love we have for our loved ones. Actually, probably keeps up from killing them!!! lol
Dallas, I think you are very normal to want some of your own space. I am very much my own space kinda gal. It would drive me crazy what you have described. Not saying your dh isn't a wonderful man, but even wonderful can start getting on your nerves after while...
Sometimes, I will need to just have a few seconds to myself and veg out in front of the T.V, and my dh will just lay down next to me. (remember that I adore this man) He will just reach out and put his hand on my arm and I will feel like I am going to flip out. My skin actually crawls. I will just tell him how much I love him, but that it has been one of those days and...I need my own space. My nerves feel like they are electric and over stimulated and to be touched makes me feel like I will go stark raving mad!
Luckily he understands...most of the time...and that doesn't happen very often to me.
He does like your dh does with the whole "do you wanna go with us/me?" when he really means "I want you to go, so go!" I can tell when I have a choice and when it is just not worth it to say no because I am not up for a fight or pouting.
Anyway, no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate...and you are normal...
as far as *I* am normal anyway...
be afraid, be very afraid! Ö Ü
Gabby50: (snort!) Dallas, you are definitely NOT normal! (smart remark time)...okay, I'm laughing here - and I hope you understand - because what you say sounds so familiar, except that the amount of togetherness that you have been tolerating sounds awful to me. I don't know how you've stood it, to be honest. Hmm. What to do? A room in the house that would be *yours* - for crafts, writing, hobby type stuff? Set up house rules for dh and anyone else about entering priveleges...A little house in the yard that would be your place to escape, like a studio? Same idea...encourage him to get a hobby or a volunteer job that would take him away from home certain hours a week - ? So he could have monthly meetings that you could count on (or meetings every day? ;-) ). Have you tried talking to him about this (forgive me if you've mentioned that - I'm having senior moments here)? That you need time to yourself so that you can be refreshed and more ready to spend time enjoying him (blah blah blah). I have heard of people who love to be with their spouses - are rarely apart except for, um, hygene - and for them to be separated then sounds like a stretch. But many people are not like that - you and I (for 2) are definitely not.
Gabby you are funny! Thank you especially for your first and last paragraph.Because thats the thing ..I wanted to know if I sounded mean or selfish.I have vented about this before and had others tell me they undesrtand and tell me they would go bezerk in my situation ..but sometimes I need to hear if again.Because I have told my husband this and he is highly offended and feels rejected because I think he is more like the people in your last paragraph.Except for I think my husband would probably take a bath with me if he could.In fact he has before.Or come in and ask if he can scrub my back.
I laughed at the house idea too.I pictured this adult size doll house out in the back yard for me to go play in.
Thats the word "refreshed"..I feel stale.I never feel an anticipation to see him.Its like "blah".But here is the other thing thats weird.I'll leave and go to my sisters or mothers and I feel oddly insecure because he's not there.But thats only when I go somewhere.When he left to go out of town one time for 2 days..I felt liberated like I had been let out of a cage.I thought about him..but I did not long for him to return as soon as possible.
Right now there is no extra room for me.We have a 4 bedroom 1800 square ft house with 4 people in it.My 13 and 19 year old occupy two bedrooms.And the extra bedroom is the office/game room.Besides that...I would feel really stupid holing up in a room with a do not enter sign on the door.
PearsandGrapes: Dallas, I think you are very normal to want some of your own space. I am very much my own space kinda gal. It would drive me crazy what you have described. Not saying your dh isn't a wonderful man, but even wonderful can start getting on your nerves after while... Sometimes, I will need to just have a few seconds to myself and veg out in front of the T.V, and my dh will just lay down next to me. (remember that I adore this man) He will just reach out and put his hand on my arm and I will feel like I am going to flip out. My skin actually crawls. I will just tell him how much I love him, but that it has been one of those days and...I need my own space. My nerves feel like they are electric and over stimulated and to be touched makes me feel like I will go stark raving mad! Luckily he understands...most of the time...and that doesn't happen very often to me. He does like your dh does with the whole "do you wanna go with us/me?" when he really means "I want you to go, so go!" I can tell when I have a choice and when it is just not worth it to say no because I am not up for a fight or pouting. Anyway, no advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate...and you are normal... as far as *I* am normal anyway... be afraid, be very afraid! Ö Ü
Thanks P & G...My husband gets his feelings hurt even though he does "understand".But he says things like.."well I never get tired of being with you"..and "I would never ask you to go find something to do or go get a job so I could get away from you"..When he gets really defensive he says "its my house too".Or he says "I do my best to stay out of your way".I just end up looking like the defect or the mean selfish one.
So he undesrtands but he views it as a total negative rather than a natural or normal feeling to have.
And thank you for relating.The posing the question as do I want when its code for I want you to.Thats aggravating but at the same time any way he posed the question I would feel the same way.
And thats the thing..you said you adore your husband.I dont think my husband realizes you can adore someone and still get sick of them or not want to be around them 20 hours a day 7 days a week for years on end.Its not just him.I dont think I would be happy being around anyone that much.
I had a friend come stay with me.And I swear to you I had to bite my tongue to keep from exploding and telling her to get the hell out of my face.She followed me around the house and talked non stop..When I tried to get on the computer even she sat at the table here and asked me what I was doing.I asked my sister who has much company stay at her house how in the world do you do it ..She said because most guest understand you cant stop your life completely and focus on them from sunrise till sunset.They whatch t.v or read..or go run errands..She said its called visitor etiquette.
Anyway..thanks..
dallasapple:I had a friend come stay with me.And I swear to you I had to bite my tongue to keep from exploding and telling her to get the hell out of my face.She followed me around the house and talked non stop..When I tried to get on the computer even she sat at the table here and asked me what I was doing.I asked my sister who has much company stay at her house how in the world do you do it ..She said because most guest understand you cant stop your life completely and focus on them from sunrise till sunset.They whatch t.v or read..or go run errands..She said its called visitor etiquette.
Oh, I can relate to this too! I love having guests, but as much as I love to see them come...seeing them go is just as lovely. I can only take so much and then my brain just needs time to unwind and process.
My parents are here just for one night. We are having a blast, LOTS of fun...but, I had to sneak off and just have a few moments of quiet in my room, no lights, no talking, no tv, no laughing...just me and the ringing in my ears. Ü
There is no one on earth that I could be with 24-7 with little to no breaks. I am sorry your dh says things that make you feel weird about needing your own space..that would be hard. My dh has pulled that too and the snark in me comes out and I usually tell him 'Well, I guess you are a better human being then I am!' The trouble is that *he* needs alone time too, but for some reason wont allow it for himself. He gets irritable and snappy at all of us, and I can *tell* it's because we are riding his last nerve and he needs *alone* time.
PearsandGrapes: dallasapple:I had a friend come stay with me.And I swear to you I had to bite my tongue to keep from exploding and telling her to get the hell out of my face.She followed me around the house and talked non stop..When I tried to get on the computer even she sat at the table here and asked me what I was doing.I asked my sister who has much company stay at her house how in the world do you do it ..She said because most guest understand you cant stop your life completely and focus on them from sunrise till sunset.They whatch t.v or read..or go run errands..She said its called visitor etiquette. Oh, I can relate to this too! I love having guests, but as much as I love to see them come...seeing them go is just as lovely. I can only take so much and then my brain just needs time to unwind and process. My parents are here just for one night. We are having a blast, LOTS of fun...but, I had to sneak off and just have a few moments of quiet in my room, no lights, no talking, no tv, no laughing...just me and the ringing in my ears. Ü There is no one on earth that I could be with 24-7 with little to no breaks. I am sorry your dh says things that make you feel weird about needing your own space..that would be hard. My dh has pulled that too and the snark in me comes out and I usually tell him 'Well, I guess you are a better human being then I am!' The trouble is that *he* needs alone time too, but for some reason wont allow it for himself. He gets irritable and snappy at all of us, and I can *tell* it's because we are riding his last nerve and he needs *alone* time.
I can not believe you said that.I have said the exact same thing to my husband.As well as you obviously are just a better person than me.I think my husband needs alone time too but he doesnt need to be completely alone.His alone tme for instance would be standing in the den with his hand stuck in an aquarium rearanging live rock.Or or in the back yard gardening or watering the yard.But Im positive I have to get on his nerves too.I just dont think he will admit..or that he even believes it has anything to do with us being around each other so much or that its about feeling crowded or not having any space.Its always shared space even if its only noise the other person is making.
For instance if I want to play music in the kitchen while I cook with the volume up loud enough for me to hear ..He's 15ft away sitting on the couch watchng t.v..He complains its too loud.No its not too loud IMHO its the fact Im trying to have my space and my relaxation in of course his space that he is in trying to relax ...I think if we were away from each other for more than 20 hours a week those kinds of things wouldn't be an issue.
Thats right.snappy and irritable.Thats the problem with me.I feel very irritable all the time.I'm only holding it in it seems to try and not seem like a mean selfish witch.
I have tried to explain to him....what seems like low tolerence in me or inpatience is actually a person who has tolerated so much and has had patience that has been pushed to the brink they dont have any left.
He also tries to compare me to other people like my sister and her husband..he works a lot from home.He's there all the time.Well the thing is with her..they live in a 5,000 square ft house.They have an upstaris patio..they have a downstairs patio with a pool..Heck..I could live in her closet.Not to mention my sister loves to shop..so she leaves and goes shopping.Plus they go on many nice trips..so they get a nice routine change of scenery together.
Anyway..he says if you "like" a person you dont feel like you need to get away for them.
Can't you encourage him to get a hobby? Something that would be "right" for him, but not you - ? Or could he get involved in a volunteer thing, like Habitat For Humanity? Of course, *you* aren't the type to swing a hammer (!), but he could do it...
Or - put your foot down. Tell him that yes, you "like" him, but absence does make the heart grow fonder, and you need, say, this one evening to yourself (start with a small amount of time). When you're back together, "reward" him with something.
we have 5 buildings here, you know, including a 5 horse stall barn. Any time you want, you can come and hang out - by yourself - in one of our stalls! We have an empty one at the moment, or you can have one of the rooms over the garage.
You really have my sympathies...
Gabby50: Can't you encourage him to get a hobby? Something that would be "right" for him, but not you - ? Or could he get involved in a volunteer thing, like Habitat For Humanity? Of course, *you* aren't the type to swing a hammer (!), but he could do it... Or - put your foot down. Tell him that yes, you "like" him, but absence does make the heart grow fonder, and you need, say, this one evening to yourself (start with a small amount of time). When you're back together, "reward" him with something. we have 5 buildings here, you know, including a 5 horse stall barn. Any time you want, you can come and hang out - by yourself - in one of our stalls! We have an empty one at the moment, or you can have one of the rooms over the garage. You really have my sympathies...
O.K I brought it up to him and he had a meltdown.
I did the abscence makes the heart grow fonder..and everything.
Me saying I need to be away from him at all is an insult to him.
He jumps to extremes and says ..."you want me to be gone for weeks and have the whole house to your self you still wouldnt be happy".
I was worried if I was "abnormal".Im supposed to be the "complex" one and he is "simple".
Well I think its"simple" that being around someone that much gets on your nerves no matter how much you love them..I think its "complex" that you take that as an insult that is deeply injuring.I actually think its "abnormal" he wouldnt get sick of me.He siad "well maybe I do..but if you love someone you dont tell them that".I suppose you lie then ?
I told him (trying to rationalize) even mothers will want to seperate for a period from their children..they need a "break".
He seems to understand that..But me feeling that way about him is complete and utter rejection .
Oh well...
