FamilyLife Forums: Active Threads

porn vs. romance novels

flguy — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:22:33 GMT

Does anyone else feel that most pastors and regular Christians are hypocritical when it comes
to sexual sin? Specifically, I'm talking about men's use of pornography vs. women's use of
romance novels and the like.

Go to any Christian bookstore and you will see perhaps dozens of books chastising men for their
visual sexual sin. Yet do you find any books chastising women's enjoyment of romance novels,
their "female porn"? After all, romance novels create unrealistic expectations of men, just
like porn creates unrealistic expectations of women.

The same goes for Sunday messages at churches across the country. When was the last time you
heard an entire sermon about the harmful effects that romance novels can have on women finding
mates they desire? Yet pastors are not too shy to rant about the harmful effects of pornography.

Here's an analogy that I think shows that many Christians (perhaps women especially) are hypocritical
in this area. Would you complain if Walmart started selling hard-core porn videos and magazines?
And not just a few, but whole racks of them? Would you shop there less, or not at all? If so,
then what are you currently doing about the racks of romance novels they sell?

What Makes a Marriage and What Keeps it Healthy?

formerlyalpha — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:20:46 GMT

What makes a Marriage? How Healthy is your Marriage?

That title does not do complete justice to what I have in mind, but it will do for an entry point.
The reason I think this is pertinent to all married or intending to be married people is that there are various definitions about marriage. Some say it's a contract, others that it is a covenant, and yet others define it by it's function.
Some say it's a relationship of love, and if the love slips away then there is no marriage left.

One only has to read the continuing cries for help that keep getting posted on these forums to realise that it's an incredibly important topic. And given the divorce rate, the cases that do come to our notice are just the tip of the problem.

I think most would subscribe to the view that a marriage is more than just a business arrangement, more than a legally defined relationship. Granted, both those elements may be part of the married state, but they are not it's essence.
It is, for want of a better description, a loving connection of a man and a woman who have pledged their loyalty and love to each other. At it's core, it is love that provides a marriage with it's heart. That could be called romantic love.

But, as soon as that word "romantic" appears, there will be the detractors that are really uncomfortable with too much of that kind of lovey stuff. The prefer the business style relationship, with just enough physical connection to have basic needs met.

When one looks at the vows, the laws of the land, and complying with those requirements, it should be obvious that those factors exist to give a framework in which the marriage can develop and thrive. Too many of us, I fear, have a propensity to see those laws as the thing that makes a marriage. In fact, those laws exist to protect and ensure that the marriage does survive. But the things that make it flourish are not to be found in legal definitions.

Now, if the laws that deem a couple to be man and wife are the supporting framework, what is it that is meant to be within the frame?
Take a bucket as a picture of marriage.
The bucket is a certain shape, it has a handle, and it is sufficiently robust to enable it to be filled without collapsing. But the important thing about a bucket is that it is meant to be able to hold or transport it's contents. The bucket is not an ornament. It has no purpose or reason to exist except to carry something like water.
Without a bucket water could not be carried to the plants that need it. So the bucket is not an end in itself, it is designed to protect the contents from being lost. The bucket is important, but if it is not used to carry something it becomes a white elephant.

Marriage is a love relationship. I know that concept has come in for it's share of criticism, because a perceived loss of love has been used to justify divorce. But as I read on these forums and see failing marriages all around, it's a reminder that all married couples need to focus on building and strengthening love in their marriage. I can only conclude that so many of us enter marriage not understanding that, or not knowing how to go about it.
Especially if we were raised in a family where our parent's marriage was held together as a business partnership would be.

angry husband

ricksgirl08 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 04:00:24 GMT

I'm a middle-age newlywed, married just a year and a half. Third time around for both of us. I met my husband in Sunday School, and after 2 failed marriages, I made certain to pay attention before committing to marriage. I was sure he was God's gift to me.

About 6 months into our marriage, as we were having a discussion and I tried to get some clarification to resolve an issue, he slammed a dinner plate down, shattering it to pieces, food flying everywhere, and raged on for what seemed like forever. I was in total shock, and terrified.

One night he blessed the food and thanked God for his "Proverbs 31 wife." Shortly after, we had another World War in the dining room.

Similar scenarios have occurred since then, always when I'm expressing a feeling, asking a question to clarify, or trying to resolve a marital concern. He's broken chairs (which put holes in the ceiling, wall and floor), thrown potted plants, yelled obscenities, and threatened divorce. I don't yell back, I try to diffuse the situation, I try to be rational and get him to tell me what I've done/said that sets him off. Still I'm clueless as to why he would react so violently when he's often said that "every marriage has its conflicts."

I've told him several times that "we" need to get help with his anger problem. He refuses. I once asked him if he had these outbursts with his previous wife, and he said yes. When I asked her how she reacted, he said she was also afraid. He almost seemed to be proud of that fact, and that shocked me as well. Yes, he's a believer, and he reads his Bible daily and attends a men's Bible study every week.

He's made several things clear since we were married: he relishes his alone time, he doesn't want me to initiate sex (that's his job), and he will NOT go for marriage counseling. All of these things are quite contrary to what we had discussed before we married--more confusion.

Bottom line: I'm afraid to be myself with him--to be open and honest and work to resolve the still unanswered questions I have about our marriage. As long as I keep my mouth shut and smile pretty, everything's fine, and he's a gentleman. But then I feel guilty for not really being honest, and so I feel trapped between fear and guilt. I don't know how to pray anymore, I don't know how to "be" with my husband, I'm very confused and lonely, and I don't know how to handle this properly. I feel we are more "roommates" than husband and wife.

I'm open to suggestions.

Are You Becoming Like Noah?

BcauseHeLives — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:34:42 GMT

Are You Becoming Like Noah?

Fresh Manna 2009© by Pastor Tim Burt

Our daughter and son-in-law, who are now Pastors of their own church, took off to a conference this week. So, Renee and I have our two granddaughters Madeline and Macy. With them spending the week with us, it’s amazing how quickly I feel like a dad again. I loved being a dad – and never more than when my kids were small. This week I get to relive having devotions in the morning with my girls. I pulled out one of my daughter’s Bible story books – the story of Noah, and red it to them

In the story, God had told Noah that a great flood was coming that would destroy mankind – with the exception of Noah and his family. What was mankind like at that time that it was so bad that God would bring this kind of judgment? It’s important to know because Jesus said that when He would return for us, it would be like that again. In Matthew 24:37-39 Jesus said, "When the Son of Man returns, it will be like it was in Noah's day. In those days before the Flood, the people were enjoying banquets and parties and weddings right up to the time Noah entered his boat. People didn't realize what was going to happen until the Flood came and swept them all away. That is the way it will be when the Son of Man comes.”

On the surface it doesn’t seem like the world is that bad. All its saying is that “people were enjoying banquets and parties and weddings right up to the time Noah entered his boat.” But, what it’s really implying is that they had no time for God or for His ways. The culture of that day didn’t worry about living morally upright and ethical. As we dig deeper into the days of Noah in Genesis, we get greater insight into what the people were like then and are like before Jesus comes back. Genesis 6:5 reveals, “The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” Other verses indicate there were champions of evil that people saw as heroes. In other words, in the culture of the day, evil became good and good became evil. We are entering into that culture again. Older people are frustrated because they know how much more moral life used to be and they see that the younger are blind to it thinking the older people are just out of touch.

God was patient and warned the people of tht day. While Noah was building the ark, He was also “a preacher of righteousness.” (2 Peter 2:5) He preached God’s warning for 120 years before the flood came showing God’s patience for their repentance and change. Noah had many relatives as man was living up to 700 years plus at that time. None of them were saved in the ark.

Noah was saved – resulting in His family being saved because “he had found grace in the eyes of the Lord.” Genesis 6:9 tells us, “Noah was a righteous man, the only blameless man living on earth at the time. He consistently followed God's will and enjoyed a close relationship with Him.”

If you are living for the Lord today because of your love for Him, the world’s ways of life will try to make you look odd, outdated, out of touch with the times, even delusional because of your faith in God. The world will also hate the interference of fun and free will that they perceive sincere Christians represent. They will hate you for calling their lifestyle sinful or evil. That day is already here.

You may feel like a Noah in some ways but, I encourage you, keep close to God and don’t get sucked into moral depravity. Don’t let a “What’s the use?” attitude draw you away from God. Be the lover of God and the “Preacher of Righteousness” of in your sphere of influence. It doesn’t mean you’ll look like a fanatic condemning everyone. It means you share the love of Jesus while remaining moral and ethical as guided by God’s Word. You along with Noah, have found “grace in His eyes.”

Romans 5:21 “Just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God's wonderful kindness rules instead, giving us right standing with God through His grace and resulting in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”

In His love,
Pastor Tim

Published by Pastor Tim Burt
Copyright© 2009 Tim Burt, All rights reserved.

How can I help?

catch311 — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:33:05 GMT

I posted a little while back that my wife and I were expecting our first child. Well we found out about a month ago that the baby had no heart beat and that it had died. Since she was only about 8 weeks along at the time, they said it would be better for body to just let her body take care of it instead of doing a D&C. So we waited for almost two weeks for her to actually miscarry, eventually we got her some medication to help "speed things along." It did some, but come to find out about a week after we thought she had miscarried, that she still had some more to get out and it has been another week and a half since then. We think she is finally passing the last stages and will be getting back to normal soon. All in all it has been a little over a month since we found out our baby had died.

We talked tonight about trying again and she is apprehensive. But she said sometimes she wants to try again right away and other times she wants to hold off. We know God wants to give us children but she seems afraid. I understand the fear she must be feeling, especially since she had to carry around our baby for a month after finding out it had died. I don't think she has fully dealt with her emotions and she even brought up tonight that maybe we should start using condoms again and that she doesn't want to make any decisions until she feels a peace about it. I don't know what to do. We both want kids, very badly. But I think she is letting the enemy attack get to her and cause fear. I am constantly praying for her healing, both physically and emotionally, but I don't know what else to do. How can I help her?

Request for prayers and advice

Tru2Him — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 20:10:33 GMT

Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since I have been here and I miss all of you tremendously.

Randy and I are requesting prayers for our daughter, Savannah. Her personality has changed in the last several months and she has started hanging with some questionable characters in our opinion. She always tells us that she is trying to be a positive influence in these people's lives but she is increasingly becoming like them in her mannerisms. She is asking us for permission to do things that she knows we would never agree to. Like today for instance, she called her daddy and asked if she could go to a concert in Covington, KY (a 4 or 5 hour trip from home) tonight with three of her guy friends from college. She knows that we would never allow her to go with three guys we know let alone with three guys that we have never met before. Yet she got mad when Randy told her that she could not go.

It seems to us that she is becoming rebellious just for rebellion's sake and will stand against us no matter how right we might be. Randy tried to explain to her the other day that we as human beings tend to act like the people we hang out with and he wasn't being accusatory in any way but she just stood firm saying that she doesn't act like them. She gets angry almost instantly when we say anything about her attitude toward us or if we say anything that she perceives is derogatory against her friends.

It is causing some grave concerns for Randy and me and we just don't know what to do about the situation at this point. Please
stand with us in prayer for her that God would show her that the path she is currently traveling will only lead to heartache for her and those around her if she doesn't stand firm in her belief in Him. Randy and I both know that Savannah loves the Lord. At times she has the strongest faith of anyone I know and her love for Him is remarkable. Yet there are times that I question her commitment and surrender to the Christian life. She is being blinded right now and heading down a wrong road that we have prayed that neither of our kids would head down.

Thank you all in advance for standing with us in this.

Also, have any of you been down this road with one of your kids? Do you have any advice for us? We are truly at our wits end.

Thanks.

Trying to keep the faith

needhealing — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:28:59 GMT

Hi Ladies,

I just joined tonight as I've read posts before and believe this is a good start to hopefully getting some additional help/insight to deal with personal and marriage matters. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, no kids. This is my 2nd marriage as my first husband and I divorced after 2 plus years, and we were both Christians. My husband now was used to being on his own until he was about 29 or so, and although we go to Church together and have devotionals when we are not arguing (I use that word loosely as they can get loud and we've both said and done things that were not appropriate. No physical abuse just to be clear, however we are both emotionally killing each other), things keep getting worse. I must also mention that things started getting worse for us about 2 years ago, and then even more so last summer when I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Panic Disorder and general anxiety in addition to dealing with depression at times. Having all of that to deal with along with family, friend and work issues has just got us to the breaking point too many times. I cannot say for certain that it was God's will for me to marry my husband b/c even though I prayed about it, I was in a different place in life after my divorce. That said, I know it's NOT God's will for us to divorce (even though I have before, it was wrong then as well). What I'm hoping someone can tell me is how to keep hope and faith and be respectful even when he yells at me so much. On one hand he does not think his anger is normal, but he also suggests that it's b/c of me, he said I cannot be pleased. He's only ever had one other somewhat serious girlfriend before me and that was years ago, so I don't feel he really has any comparison. He gets angry with me and therefore associates it with me. By no means is this all his fault. I've said things I wish I could take back, and although I am seeking God in this, there are plenty of times..like tonight I just don't know why God is allowing me..really both of us to go through this, I get upset with God and want to just leave b/c I feel sad and alone. I know I'm supposed to trust God, I just get to my wits end all too often. I don't know if any of this has made sense, I'm just pouring out my heart and hoping someone our there much wiser than myself has some words of hope.

Thank you.

on the brink of divorce and I can't blame him for it.

c816 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:56 GMT

Four years ago I married my husband and as I walked down the aisle I had doubts. Part of me wanted to run the other direction, part wanted to keep o going, another thought 'hey there is always divorce.' In the first couple weeks of our marriage I was unfaithful, and a couple months later I found out I was pregant. I can not be 100% sure that my daughter is my husband's and this doubt has haunted me since I looked down at my pregancy test. I kept this silent. During my pregnancy and almost the fist year of my daughters life I was angry. I was mad that he was not as doughting as I wanted, or transitioned to fatherhood as I thought he should have. I was mad that I did walk down the aisle, and I was mad at what I had done.
I began to find false happiness by joining chat rooms, particularly those of unhappy married people. I felt connected and understood. Flirtation began with online "friends" and email / txt corresondance began. Although I was not physically unfaithful, this time I was emotionally. My husband on a couple of occasions found my emails/txt. Sometimes he would keep quiet others he would confront me. I usually wiggled my way out. A year ago my marraige almost ended and he almost walked out. We decided to work it out and we have done strides.
I am afraid of him, not because he is violent or abusive (he is not) but because he bottles things up and I fear one day he will explode. My biggest fear is that he would fight and win custody of our daughter. This comes from last year when he dicovered my emotional infidelity he left with our daughter and threatend not to come back. He did not go and did return but I have been truamitzed and wake up in the middle of the night fearing that he has left w/ her.
As I said earlier i have paternal doubt and I finally had enough, i dont know what to call it, to purchase a DNA kit. When it arrived I chickened out and hid it. This weekend he found it and as you can imagine his disappointment, hurt, pain etc. He asked what happend but all I could do was sob, I could not even abmitt clearly what had happend. I would begin stop, skip a couple words stop. Hoping he understood with out me actually having to say it aloud. He walked out to let out steam I presume and returned late that night to sleep on the couch. And again last night. We have not spoken, just a couple nessecities. I still dont know if he will stay, will he forgive me, yet again...
I am no closer to knowing for sure any of the questions I have and ask for prayer.

Healing from sexual sin

bestillandknow7 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:26:19 GMT

I've been dating a man for about a year and half now.
When I met him, we were actually working together, and our work relationship grew into a romantic relationship.
I learned early on that he was not a virgin, which I suspected even before we started dating. However, I thought I would be capable of forgiving him and moving on in a healthy manner.
I had no idea what was in store for me. I learned he was still friends with his ex, which I proclaimed was completely unacceptable. I could not and still do not understand why he was still friends with her! Well, their friendship ended, but she still proceeded to pursue a friendship with him, even after he had been dating me for two months, then three months, and it finally stopped about 6 months into our relationship. He was not responsive, but the pursuit, even still, angered and infuriated me.
I still have a lot of anger and hurt from what happened early on in our relationship and what he gave up before being married-his purity. Our relationship has become a lot stronger now than it was during the beginning of our relationship.
Even still, I am finding myself haunted by his past. I frequently compare myself to his ex, her abilities to mine, nearly anything you can think of-I have compared it. I have even had several dreams in which she is present- trying to steal him back. He doesn't want her back and I know he admires me and loves me so much. With all that knowledge, I just cannot seem to shake away my anger and hurt. I desperately want to heal and I understand healing takes time, but I feel like there must be something I can do or some advice I can listen to that may be helpful in a way I have not experienced thus far.
So, my question for those of you who may have experienced something similar is, how do you heal or how are you healing from the sexual sin of your boyfriend, fiance, or spouse?
I am desperate for your wisdom and advice.

Pre-teens/Teens and technology

Holten — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:51:53 GMT

Hey all. Just curious what some other parents have dealt with and decided to do.

Our oldest child is a 12 year old daughter. We let her have an email account a few years ago... we know the password (she knows we know) and we do keep tabs.

We home school, but she does attend a home school "academy" once a week that is a "regular school" experience - mass of kids in a classroom, single teacher, projects, homework, etc. Between that and church youth group, she knows quite a few of her peers have cell phones and Facebook accounts.

She's been asking for a cell phone for over a year, to which we've responded "who would you call?" She wants to be able to text friends, and I think a big part of it is that she wants to fit in, to not be (in her mind) the "only" kid without a cell phone.

She's also started asking if she can get on Facebook. She has several friends on FB, including some she doesn't see anymore since we moved.

Currently, we're leaning towards the phone, but against FB.

I'm not asking for specific advice about what my wife and I should decide about our daughter. I just thought this all seemed current, important, and especially timely given that Christmas is almost here, and no doubt some of you have kids asking for phones or computers in their room or whatever.

It really is amazing how quickly computer and communication technology has changed life the past 25 years. I work in wireless telecom, and still almost daily find myself thinking about just how cool it all is, and being amazed that it all actually works!

Something's got a strong hold on me...

ashamed2callmeHisown — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:58:35 GMT

Earlier this year, I re-dedicated my life back to the Lord. Prior to that, I was on a 10-yr stretch of basically destroying my life - personal destruction of it anyways. The first few months after the rededication, my life for and with God was amazingly beautiful, as I saw the change that was happening inside and outside of me!

The last, i'd say month, however, my past has been coming back to haunt me. I really feel like Satan has a very intense strong-hold on me and will NOT let go.

Can I first say, I am a member on this site, but due to the details of this post, I want to remain unknown. I know it's probably silly, but, I know that some posters on here may look up to me, and my feelings are that, if those particular posters knew the "truth" of me, they may not view me the same. Please do not judge me, I've had plenty of it from my past, present, and again the past coming up!

I know that with Mark Schultz lyrics to Broken and Beautiful come into mind. But there are things from my past, which I sit there and think, "how can God love me, even call me his child, after knowing the things I've done...the things I allowed to be done to me...the things forced upon me, etc, etc." I really need a girlfriend (a bosom friend) to talk to - something I've never really had. I had my best friend, that passed away about a year 1/2 ago, and he knew EVERYTHING about me - the good, the bad...but now he's gone, and I feel I have NO ONE to talk to...and even if I did, I feel (due to past so-called friendships)that they will judge me for my past!

Our sermon/message in church yesterday - pastor said, YOU are the one who chose to go down that path, no one MADE you do it - - you only have yourself to blame, NOT God...and I'm not trying to blame God. You know, they have ways of blocking particular websites on a computer - why can't there be a block to put on my memories in life. Here it goes...

Prior to my relationship that I'm in now (with a wonderful God loving Christian man, which I'm so thankful to have in my life! I thank God daily for bringing us together!), I was in two previous longterm, serious relationships, both of which were what I like to call "sexual viruses"!!! My previous longterm relationship, was with a boyfriend, and the one previous was with my ex-husband, and that's where I will start...well, actually I'll back up to when I was a pre-teen.

I was sexually abused by my father. Sometimes in life, a person will have something so traumatizing, that they will bury the pain so deep, that they tend to forget about it, until later on in life (when sometimes it will come out in counseling sessions - that's my story). That started the spiral, though, after "burying" the pain, and forgetting basically, my father died. Well, from the age of 21 and on, I let guys do whatever to me - cuz I wanted to feel some sort of feeling of love and affection, even if it was the bad kind! When I was 22, I met my now ex-husband. We dated for a year, before we got married. That's when it really all started for me. I've tried explaining it to my fiancee, that prior to him, it was almost like i was a sexual virgin, though, I was sexually active. The things that happened and that I was exposed to in that relationship ruined my outlook on sex between a husband & wife! Where sex between a married couple should be loving and tender, was, in my marriage, diseased and made me want to vomit. First off, my XH was abusive, physically. But during that time of my life, I was young, so I blamed it on myself. I thought that there was something I wasn't doing, so he would beat me up! I was young, stupid, I was on so many types of anti-depressants, to help me deal with my past, which had come back to haunt me, from a counseling session I'd had, while dating my XH. I was really messed up, and then having to go thru what I did with my XH made it even worse. Some examples of what my husband forced on me, to the point that if I didn't do it, which, at first, I refused to and got yelled at extremely, or beaten...

* prostitution (his friends paid him 2 have sex with me)
* the swinging lifestyle (i refused to do it, but was forced to watch him participate)
* pornography (watching, and almost forced to make them!)

and the worst...
* beastiality

After going thru all this emotional stuff, and then finding out about the affair, & recieving a gift from my XH - the kind that keeps on giving & doesn't go away, I left the marriage and got a divorce, upon my mothers' advice (but she didn't know the half of it!). After divorcing, my mom kept in close contact/friendship w/my XH, which to this day, has been something that's always bothered me.

Ok, so to help me thru the pain and disgust of my marriage, I immediately jumped into a new relationship. I'd say about 5-6 mnths after my divorce was final, I started dating my XBF. I told him about "some" stuff when we first started dating, but really didn't dive into details until about a year after we were dating. We were together for a total of about 6 years. So, yeah, about a year into our relationship, after we had moved in together, I told him details. Maybe if I hadn't told him some of the stuff that I went thru, things would've turned out differently.

I told him about the prostitution and the swing lifestyle, and the latter of it turned him on. Can I also say that, not only physical, but mental and emotional abuse as well, went on in this relationship. I think the mental was the worst, because for 6 years, I stayed in the relationship, made to feel like I was a pc of crap & that no one else would want to be with me!

So after telling him that, he wanted to find out more about the swing lifestyle, so much that we got into doing it. We would go to "parties/events" almost every wknd. I've lost count of the couples that we "played" with...it's sickening, I know, you don't have to remind me! Maybe about a year into that, I broke down and told him about the beastiality that was forced...and what'd'ya know, it turned him on so much, that he insisted i do things w/his dog! Can I barf now? He gave me a bloody nose when I told him no. He gave me a black eye when I refused him a 2nd time. He caused my lip to bleed badly, amongst other bruising, when I refused him the 3rd time, and was forced into doing things with his dog...while he sat back, pleasured himself and laughed! Finally, after 6 years, and with the help of my mom (she only knew about the mental/emotional abuse, but didn't like what she witnessed!), I was able to leave the relationship. It was a month after moving back home, in with my mother, that I rededicated my life back to Christ. Up until that point, I hated who I'd let myself become. I wanted to die. And my self-image had become broken, like a mirror. That all changed the day I got baptized. And it was truthfully a joy-ride up until now...

All these things have recently come up, because I've been having trouble with temptation. I've withstood the temptation, and haven't fallen into it...but since I've done that, it's like the devil has so much of a strong-hold on me...and I can't get away. I want my slate wiped clean, and my memories to go along with it!!! But that's the things with memories - it's like once you've seen something, it's forever stuck in your memory, unless, the slight chance happens that you're in a bad enuf accident, that you lose your memory. I wouldn't want to be in an accident...but I wish there were parts of my memories that I didn't remember! Why can't God, when he wipes your past clean, also take away the memories of what was!?

Yes, I'm extrememly upset! I'm crying as I type all these words. I'm worried. I know that some of you will read this post and immediately judge...let you who is without sin, cast the first stone! I only say this, because, I've told someone about what I went thru, and then quit attending their church, and now when I see them around town, they talk about me to other people. People I don't really know, know what I've gone thru!

I've read books, but I don't feel different...I've read, and re-read "when godly people do ungodly things"...and books on temptation and pasts that haunt...

I'm just not sure what to do. I know one thing though, having to go thru all this alone is really starting to take its' tole on me!

For those of you who have/haven't...thanks for listening to me with an unjudgemental heart!

Marital Mental Blocks...

sanderson28025 — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:27:27 GMT

I kid, but I'm having some mental issue's that I'm struggling to deal with and I was wondering if anyone else could relate or had insight on what happens next. Long story short, my wife and I had a major talk about us not "being in sync" for a few weeks and so I asked her about it. She brought to my attention that I'm not the strongest spiritual leader...I've got my moments, but I've got plenty of room to improve. She said that was one reason why we haven't had our adult time lately. She also admitted that b/c I have a very conducive schedule to being at home during the day, I had been doing a large majority of the house work and that she liked it and let me do more than my share...and so here's my mental block. I'm working on improving my leadership skills...not very easy, but I'm working hard at it and I know that she is noticing. BUT, I still feel like when I get home from work, she takes off to take care of some things she wants/needs to and I get to do a lot of the work. I feel like at times, I'm having to work for time with my wife, both casually and physically. Almost like I'm digging out of a hole that I didn't know I was in. There are unfortunately MANY factors that make me feel like this and I don't have room to talk about them all. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm starved for intimate time with my wife or if I'm taking things too seriously and I just need to relax and let things come in stride. Thanks for the insight!

Is "Tough Love" right for our relationship?

confused555 — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:37:21 GMT

I have been reading the theory and principles behind “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson. The principles seem appropriate for our situation. She feels hurt by me for the years of control, lack of appreciation, and lack of support. I am taking the steps to change. She has acknowledged that she sees the changes yet says she does not feel them. She has mentioned moving out several times and I have said I am not going to stop you, but have also begged her to give it time before she goes. She says she wants to move into an apartment, but the ones she found all had year leases, and she wanted something shorter. I have begged her not to on two occasions.

We tried marriage counseling. We had two meetings with our pastor, and after the second one she felt like her feelings were not being taken into an account and that the years of hurt and pain can’t just go away. We meet with a different marriage / grief counselor last Monday and when she asked the counselor what do with all the feelings she was having towards me the counselor asked her to write them down. My wife did not see the benefit in that and right after we left the counseling session she exploded on me. She has since said she is not ready for marriage counseling, and she needs to focus on herself, and she just wants to be happy. She does have an appointment next Monday for an individual grief counselor. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. However, her actions are not all negative. Sometimes she says she wants to work on the relationship. Her feelings can change 3 times in one hour. She started texting this guy a lot and I confronted her and she admitted to it being inappropriate, but only the start of an emotional affair. She said it was wrong and she would stop. According the “Love Must Be Tough” principals (very simplified) I should tell her she is free to go and open the cage for her.

However, there is one thing that is holding me back from all this. Her dad died in July after a year long battle with lung cancer. The year long ordeal took its toll on my wife. She was an emotional wreck for a year. When he died her grief went through the roof. I know everyone grieves differently, but for her this was a major loss. Also on her plate 2 weeks after her dad died she found out her mother has terminal cancer and has 2 years to live. The breakdown in our relationship occurred shortly after her mom ended up in the hospital from side effects of chemo, and seeing her mom for the first time without any hair. She has not had any grief counseling. This next Monday will be her first appointment. I have not been a good husband for the last 14 years all and my recent attempts to change and help out more have been meet with resentment and anger. I know this is normal, and there is no timeline to be followed.

She asked for space the other day, and rather than her move out and really disrupt the children’s lives I suggested I move out for a while. I am staying in a hotel for now.

Her family has called me and asked about her because she has ignored their calls and has not confided our relationship problems to them. She used to confide every detail of her life with her sister and mother. Now they are asking me what is going on. Early in this her sister told her she could not believe she was going to give up on our marriage. Her sister encouraged her to work on our marriage. After that conversation my wife said she was tired of her family controlling her also. She has abandoned all her old friends she says that her friends are trying are trying to control her and only want from her. She is tired of giving to all of them. She has not confided her feelings about our relationship to her family or old friends. She has started a new friendship with a lady 30 years older than her. They have only been friends for about 3 months (right after her dad died and her mom was diagnosed) my wife says this lady is like a mother to her, and the lady says she is like the daughter she never had. This lady has given her a job at a business she owns. My wife was a stay at home mom until 1 month ago. This lady has taken my wife out and bought her clothes. They are planning a trip to Jamaica together. She spends 4 to 5 nights a week with her. She also works with her so they are together all the time.

So with all that should I follow the tough love guidelines and set her free, or is this not the time for tough love? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Theological questions

TimD65 — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:44:07 GMT

Since there isn't a proper forum for this, I'll post it here.

I think we can all agree with the verse that says if we confess our sins, He will forgive us. The question I have is: Does this apply to future sins? If we know we are about to sin and ask for forgiveness immediately prior to committing the sin, are we forgiven? As in "God, forgive me" a split second before you pull the trigger. or run the stop sign or what ever.

seeking God's will with starting a family

melaney25 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:21:31 GMT

My husband and I have been married 1.5 years and are positioning ourselves financially to start a family and hopefully can welcome a baby into the world sometime next fall or winter.
Over the last few months I have also getting myself ready, going to the doctor, taking vitamins, reading prenatal books etc.
I have always considered that being able to have a baby a gift from God. I believe as a mother I am called to raise His children in a godly home and I pray that we can plant the seeds in our children so they will be children of God through out their lifespan.
In the business of life and preparation it has suddenly dawned on me that I haven't checked in with God about His will for me. Even though the bank books check out, my health is in order, my husband's and my hearts are ready, is this something God wants for us, and is this His timing for us. I've been in prayer about this question and am praying to hear God's will for mine/our lives. In the mean time do we go along with our plans, perhaps God will reveal it by me getting pregnant or not. Do we wait until we hear something?
Have other women gone through this wondering? My ultimate desire is to seek and follow God's will. My desire is to know His will for us. However I am not clear, perhaps what I think is His will isn't and I don't want to make this big of a decision without knowing what He wants.

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED-FOR COURT CASE NOW IN PROGRESS....

Twinkleeyes07 — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:01:44 GMT

I am asking everyone who reads this to be in deep prayer for this little girl (Caroline) & her mom (Amie). They are fighting to keep this little girl away from her perverted father who has lots of money & clout in the town he lives in (in SC). Please pray for the Lord to take the blinders off of the judges eyes so he can see the true man this little girls father is. I am not sure how long court will go on,..so please keep this at the top of your prayer list for this week. I know they are in court at this very moment(Eastern time). Thanks & God bless!

Please pray for Carla

Renae610 — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:43:21 GMT

Some of you know my 21 year old daughter's history of severe chronic illness over the last 10 years. There are not words to express how deeply grateful I am to all of you who have been praying!! Your prayers resulted in a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH diagnosis in June 2007. PRAISE GOD!!!

The good treatments she has been on over the last year produced a little improvement for a while but now for many months -- nothing more. I have researched and thought I was going to have to take her out of state for further help, but last week, God put a professional in our life who does EXACTLY what is needed now and he's only 20 miles aways!! PRAISE GOD!!
I also need God to reveal when other professionals and methods are needed to.

I ask you all to continue praying fervently, BOLDLY, that God would heal her!!
I declare TODAY in full faith, that with your prayers and mine in agreement, that Carla is an Overcomer through Christ who strengthens and heals her!! I trust that the Holy Spirit WILL give the daily guidance, wisdom, strength, finances, etc. that are needed in my whole situation.

God bless you and your loved ones too!!!

In Christ's love,

~Renae

Pray for me and my family

jarandle — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:22:00 GMT

Please pray for us. I feel as if I am in a hopeless situation. There are too many things to mention but I will tell you one issue. I left my husband for three years mainly because he had an affair. We had no contact with each other(including our children) which I now regret. In July he wrote me many letters saying that he was sorry about everything and that he wanted us back. It is now October. We are all back together and the honeymoon is so over. I am a stay at home mom again to our four boys and am expecting our last child. I should also say that we both had extramarrital affairs during the separation. I had two one-timers. He had a series of affairs over two years. We discussed these relationships and I've repented. I know what God wants for us. A complete turnaround. I'm not so sure where my husband is. He claims that he had a another affair since we've reconciled because he thought I up and left with the kids again(our phone wasn't working and we couldnt reach each other ). I forgave him but I don't trust him. We both know that we need counseling fast.. We have arguments about our rocky past and his ongoing affairs. I have expressed my anger in negative ways. I've sworn and have thrown things. Now he says he doesn't like the person i've become and the way I'm handling things. So I'm on the couch a good part of the week, torn to pieces. I'm appologising to him but I don't get any in return. Last night I went to our bed. I pleased him sexually to express that I am still here for him and that I'LL DO anything to keep him in our bed. We didn't say a word to each other. I was dissapointed he didn't verbally respond to me at all but I am patient enough to wait. There are a slew of issues. I have a history of depression and am going through one now. I have no transportation so I am homebound. My husband doesn't have me on his car insurance so he must drive me.PLEASE PRAY FOR A BREAKTHROUGH.

Did He Think About Sex Every 7 Minutes Too?

pooh girl — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:00:24 GMT

If a great percentage of men can't help the way they are made meaning they were made to think about sex every 7 minutes and made to be tempted day in and day out sexually, then does that also apply to Jesus?

What I mean is that if Jesus was a man and was tempted in every way, then did Jesus think about sex every 7 minutes too?

Was he as tempted sexually constantly considering he was a man and must have been just as visual as any other man?

2012: The movie....what's your thoughts?

GloryBPhotography — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:00:08 GMT

My fiancee got us tickets for the movie coming out this friday 2012.

I know it's only a movie, however, it seems everyone i know is talking about how the world is going to end 12/21/12...it's scary to think about it. My fiancee and I talk, that if the world did end, it sucks, cuz we've only gotten to enjoy 2 years of marriage together (silly, yes, i know). Again, I know that ONLY God knows when the world will end...

But, what are some thoughts from everyone else on the forum here?

Needing some wise, seasoned mommy advice with a toddler issue--My 2 and a half yr old son WON'T pray out loud, and wants me to do it for him.

Proverbs31girl — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:24:17 GMT

my 2 yr old won't pray out loud anymore at all-with anyone. It doesn't matter the time, place, he just says he won't, and wants me to do it for him.He's normally not a strong willed child, but this issue is troubling for me. I am not wanting to make a a mountain out of a mole hill here, I just need wisdom on how to deal with this correctly. I lead by example, and make sure my children don't just hear, but see me as a good example in prayer. His 3 yr old sis, has never gone through this, so it's new to me. I can't think of anything that's happened to cause this.
I know this might be just a phase he's going through, but I guess I am just a little concerned.It's been a couple of months, so I am a bit concerned. I haven't pushed/forced the issue, but I have just consistently "prayed" out loud for him/with him at bedtime, mealtime/whenever, because I want him to know how much God loves him, and that He wants us to talk to Him. I just don't want this to become a habit-him letting me pray for him. I know he's got very good communication skills/ verbal skills for his age, so that's not the problem. I am a bit confused as to how to deal with this situation. Do I continue to encourage him to pray, and continue to pray little prayers out loud with him at appropriate times, and not "push them" until he decides? I know forcing him would only make it worse, so I would like some advice especially from seasoned moms of toddlers who can give me some advice. Thanks so much.:-)

Needing wise advice from SEASONED mommies of toddlers-my 2 yr old won't pray out loud or at all

Proverbs31girl — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:27:18 GMT

Favorite Songs

TimD65 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:40:38 GMT

Do you have a favorite song that you would like to share? Post a link to it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJXCSM3Wg5I is one of many of mine.

Talking to child about sex

WZN23Q — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:56:46 GMT

This is my son's second year in a public school. He is in the 5th grade. I have just learned a few days ago that the school system begins teaching sex education as part of the health/physical education curriculum. I am blown away. My son is 10 years old. I feel as though I'm being pushed into this now and want my son to understand our views and religious beliefs.

Does anyone have any advise of some CD's or books that we could review with our son?

Lonely in my marriage - confused and need advise

utsb13 — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:08:37 GMT

I have only been married for about a year and a half but we are on a fast down hill skid. I dated my husband for about 5 years prior to getting married. I have grown up in the church and he got saved his senior year of college. We dated on and off for a long time. WE did finally work it out and it seemed as though only we knew each other the way we did. We were affectionate with each other but did not have sex prior to marriage. I was a virgin but he wasn't. I knew he struggled with porn while we were dating and i often tried to encourage him to stop. He always said he couldn't bc it was a hormonal thing. He would try but just couldn't. Well, he promised to stop after we got married and it wasn't too bad at first but it has gotten bad again. I coach a sport and so it is demanding and God is working with me to teach me how to properly prioritize my time. He also is involved in the athletic world so our schedules get busy. My point, i am not a confident person so it is hard for me to "initiate" things. i know he has mentioned he would like me too. They few times i have tried i have been turned down occasionally. He tells me sometimes he just isn't in the mood.... but i also know he looks at porn.

About three months ago i caught him getting close with an employee. He told me he would never cheat on me and i believe him but he was emotionally engaging himself with another person and flirting while i was getting nothing at home. When he wants sex he will just roll over and say "you want to play?" there is zero romance. I also can't help but think that anytime he is home by himself or stays up late after i go to sleep... he is just getting please through the internet. It hurts and i don't understand why i can't be enough. I am reading and praying as much as i can but i notice i start to get very hard hearted now. I don't want to contribute i want to be the best wife i can be but i just don't know how to go about it right now. I feel like nothing i do will please him or question when we are intimate if he is thinking about me or something he has seen???? We rarely hold hands or have more than a pop kiss between us. I feel like we are just two good friends living under the same roof and often wonder if he loves me as a wife or just as a best friend .... i am seeking Godly wisdom and advise. Thank you!