FamilyLife Forums: Unanswered Threads

What Makes a Marriage and What Keeps it Healthy?

formerlyalpha — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:20:46 GMT

What makes a Marriage? How Healthy is your Marriage?

That title does not do complete justice to what I have in mind, but it will do for an entry point.
The reason I think this is pertinent to all married or intending to be married people is that there are various definitions about marriage. Some say it's a contract, others that it is a covenant, and yet others define it by it's function.
Some say it's a relationship of love, and if the love slips away then there is no marriage left.

One only has to read the continuing cries for help that keep getting posted on these forums to realise that it's an incredibly important topic. And given the divorce rate, the cases that do come to our notice are just the tip of the problem.

I think most would subscribe to the view that a marriage is more than just a business arrangement, more than a legally defined relationship. Granted, both those elements may be part of the married state, but they are not it's essence.
It is, for want of a better description, a loving connection of a man and a woman who have pledged their loyalty and love to each other. At it's core, it is love that provides a marriage with it's heart. That could be called romantic love.

But, as soon as that word "romantic" appears, there will be the detractors that are really uncomfortable with too much of that kind of lovey stuff. The prefer the business style relationship, with just enough physical connection to have basic needs met.

When one looks at the vows, the laws of the land, and complying with those requirements, it should be obvious that those factors exist to give a framework in which the marriage can develop and thrive. Too many of us, I fear, have a propensity to see those laws as the thing that makes a marriage. In fact, those laws exist to protect and ensure that the marriage does survive. But the things that make it flourish are not to be found in legal definitions.

Now, if the laws that deem a couple to be man and wife are the supporting framework, what is it that is meant to be within the frame?
Take a bucket as a picture of marriage.
The bucket is a certain shape, it has a handle, and it is sufficiently robust to enable it to be filled without collapsing. But the important thing about a bucket is that it is meant to be able to hold or transport it's contents. The bucket is not an ornament. It has no purpose or reason to exist except to carry something like water.
Without a bucket water could not be carried to the plants that need it. So the bucket is not an end in itself, it is designed to protect the contents from being lost. The bucket is important, but if it is not used to carry something it becomes a white elephant.

Marriage is a love relationship. I know that concept has come in for it's share of criticism, because a perceived loss of love has been used to justify divorce. But as I read on these forums and see failing marriages all around, it's a reminder that all married couples need to focus on building and strengthening love in their marriage. I can only conclude that so many of us enter marriage not understanding that, or not knowing how to go about it.
Especially if we were raised in a family where our parent's marriage was held together as a business partnership would be.

Trying to keep the faith

needhealing — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:28:59 GMT

Hi Ladies,

I just joined tonight as I've read posts before and believe this is a good start to hopefully getting some additional help/insight to deal with personal and marriage matters. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now, no kids. This is my 2nd marriage as my first husband and I divorced after 2 plus years, and we were both Christians. My husband now was used to being on his own until he was about 29 or so, and although we go to Church together and have devotionals when we are not arguing (I use that word loosely as they can get loud and we've both said and done things that were not appropriate. No physical abuse just to be clear, however we are both emotionally killing each other), things keep getting worse. I must also mention that things started getting worse for us about 2 years ago, and then even more so last summer when I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Panic Disorder and general anxiety in addition to dealing with depression at times. Having all of that to deal with along with family, friend and work issues has just got us to the breaking point too many times. I cannot say for certain that it was God's will for me to marry my husband b/c even though I prayed about it, I was in a different place in life after my divorce. That said, I know it's NOT God's will for us to divorce (even though I have before, it was wrong then as well). What I'm hoping someone can tell me is how to keep hope and faith and be respectful even when he yells at me so much. On one hand he does not think his anger is normal, but he also suggests that it's b/c of me, he said I cannot be pleased. He's only ever had one other somewhat serious girlfriend before me and that was years ago, so I don't feel he really has any comparison. He gets angry with me and therefore associates it with me. By no means is this all his fault. I've said things I wish I could take back, and although I am seeking God in this, there are plenty of times..like tonight I just don't know why God is allowing me..really both of us to go through this, I get upset with God and want to just leave b/c I feel sad and alone. I know I'm supposed to trust God, I just get to my wits end all too often. I don't know if any of this has made sense, I'm just pouring out my heart and hoping someone our there much wiser than myself has some words of hope.

Thank you.

Healing from sexual sin

bestillandknow7 — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:26:19 GMT

I've been dating a man for about a year and half now.
When I met him, we were actually working together, and our work relationship grew into a romantic relationship.
I learned early on that he was not a virgin, which I suspected even before we started dating. However, I thought I would be capable of forgiving him and moving on in a healthy manner.
I had no idea what was in store for me. I learned he was still friends with his ex, which I proclaimed was completely unacceptable. I could not and still do not understand why he was still friends with her! Well, their friendship ended, but she still proceeded to pursue a friendship with him, even after he had been dating me for two months, then three months, and it finally stopped about 6 months into our relationship. He was not responsive, but the pursuit, even still, angered and infuriated me.
I still have a lot of anger and hurt from what happened early on in our relationship and what he gave up before being married-his purity. Our relationship has become a lot stronger now than it was during the beginning of our relationship.
Even still, I am finding myself haunted by his past. I frequently compare myself to his ex, her abilities to mine, nearly anything you can think of-I have compared it. I have even had several dreams in which she is present- trying to steal him back. He doesn't want her back and I know he admires me and loves me so much. With all that knowledge, I just cannot seem to shake away my anger and hurt. I desperately want to heal and I understand healing takes time, but I feel like there must be something I can do or some advice I can listen to that may be helpful in a way I have not experienced thus far.
So, my question for those of you who may have experienced something similar is, how do you heal or how are you healing from the sexual sin of your boyfriend, fiance, or spouse?
I am desperate for your wisdom and advice.

seeking God's will with starting a family

melaney25 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:21:31 GMT

My husband and I have been married 1.5 years and are positioning ourselves financially to start a family and hopefully can welcome a baby into the world sometime next fall or winter.
Over the last few months I have also getting myself ready, going to the doctor, taking vitamins, reading prenatal books etc.
I have always considered that being able to have a baby a gift from God. I believe as a mother I am called to raise His children in a godly home and I pray that we can plant the seeds in our children so they will be children of God through out their lifespan.
In the business of life and preparation it has suddenly dawned on me that I haven't checked in with God about His will for me. Even though the bank books check out, my health is in order, my husband's and my hearts are ready, is this something God wants for us, and is this His timing for us. I've been in prayer about this question and am praying to hear God's will for mine/our lives. In the mean time do we go along with our plans, perhaps God will reveal it by me getting pregnant or not. Do we wait until we hear something?
Have other women gone through this wondering? My ultimate desire is to seek and follow God's will. My desire is to know His will for us. However I am not clear, perhaps what I think is His will isn't and I don't want to make this big of a decision without knowing what He wants.

Needing wise advice from SEASONED mommies of toddlers-my 2 yr old won't pray out loud or at all

Proverbs31girl — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 13:27:18 GMT

my 2 yr old won't pray out loud anymore at all-with anyone. It doesn't matter the time, place, he just says he won't, and wants me to do it for him.He's normally not a strong willed child, but this issue is troubling for me. I am not wanting to make a a mountain out of a mole hill here, I just need wisdom on how to deal with this correctly. I lead by example, and make sure my children don't just hear, but see me as a good example in prayer. His 3 yr old sis, has never gone through this, so it's new to me. I can't think of anything that's happened to cause this.
I know this might be just a phase he's going through, but I guess I am just a little concerned.It's been a couple of months, so I am a bit concerned. I haven't pushed/forced the issue, but I have just consistently "prayed" out loud for him/with him at bedtime, mealtime/whenever, because I want him to know how much God loves him, and that He wants us to talk to Him. I just don't want this to become a habit-him letting me pray for him. I know he's got very good communication skills/ verbal skills for his age, so that's not the problem. I am a bit confused as to how to deal with this situation. Do I continue to encourage him to pray, and continue to pray little prayers out loud with him at appropriate times, and not "push them" until he decides? I know forcing him would only make it worse, so I would like some advice especially from seasoned moms of toddlers who can give me some advice. Thanks so much.:-)

Favorite Songs

TimD65 — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:40:38 GMT

Do you have a favorite song that you would like to share? Post a link to it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJXCSM3Wg5I is one of many of mine.

i miss everyone of my critics here. :) can you guess who?

picme — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:51:19 GMT

just saying hello to everyone and missing all of my critics here. lol i'm not new here, but in case you're interested to know my kids and i are doing fine. we moved to a new house and i'm in my second year! praise Him!

how's everyone doing these days?

Needing to find support materials or the name of a woman I heard on a Christian radio station

mkmerryman — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:56:23 GMT

I am trying to find information about a woman that when surfing the radio recently I heard on one of the Christian stations on the lower end of the dial. She was participating in a discussion, kind of a forum, about relationships - their developement, young women & the changes on how aggressive they have gotten, and how relationships are supposed to work - especially when the participants have a relationship with God. I think that they said she was a teacher at some university (sociology I think) - am looking to find her name so that I can provide information to my young daughter & help her make choices regarding facing relationships with young men (she is a ***).

To be honest, at the time I was going through the stations just looking for something to listen to when I happened across their program. There was an announcer talking and then the woman was a guest. Unfortunately I don’t even know for sure what station it was and at the time it caught my interest because of the topics but I didn’t catch her name or the announcers. I did think to myself, man – I need to see if I can’t find out who that was and see if she has any materials out there or is giving any lectures anywhere close that I can go to, but I honestly just was interested on my own personal note & didn’t even think about maybe needing it for my children. This would have been at least a couple of weeks ago – maybe in the last month or 2. I am sorry that I can’t give anyone a better time frame.

But what caught my interest was:

Her actual voice – very soft and soothing, she sounded very young like a teenager, but as I listened I found out that she had something to do with a college or university – so she had to be at least in her twenties & I thought (I could have been wrong) but I thought they said she taught sociology – but again could be wrong.

She was talking about several issues all relating to relationships & the way they are developing as opposed to the way they are supposed to develop. For example, she talked about how aggressive the girls have gotten & how physical they have become & why that isn’t such a good thing; she spoke about the woman empowerment movements & their developments; she talked about Christian men trying to find Christian women to date & the problems they are facing & what they are actually looking for in a woman; she talked about how the aggressive nature of young women has taken the “romance” out of the dating act and how in reality the man is supposed to woo you, how the promising of yourself is the greatest gift a woman could bestow or how her favor is sacred and that it is worth the man working for it & that is what the women have removed from the relationship; she talked about how her husband would never tell her that he loved her until the time he proposed, which was a very funny story because she said here they were engaged but were almost uncomfortable saying that they loved each other because they had never uttered the words to one another.

I hope maybe this description could possibly help someone remember the program I’m talking about & maybe that can help in tracking down who she was.

I am sorry that I can’t give you more…I just know that she was very intelligent, had very concise ideals regarding the topic, and I think she would be very easy for my young daughter to follow along with & understand as opposed to some of the other teachers out there & how confusing they can come across as.

Only Appropriate Anger is Appropriate!

BcauseHeLives — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:46:12 GMT

Only Appropriate Anger is Appropriate!

Fresh Manna 2009© by Pastor Tim Burt

There was a time in my life many years ago, that I would occasionally erupt like a volcanic eruption. I am ashamed of those days. I do not and have not let that happen in my life in a great many years.

Anger is a valid emotion but one that has a boundary and whose line can too easily be crossed. We are instructed in Eph 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin…” This verse is instructional and insightful. God clearly teaches us that, anger in itself is not sin, that it can be carried to the point of sin, and that it can give the devil a foothold. That literally means “giving the devil occupancy – a place to dwell.”

For some people, their anger not only crosses the line of inappropriateness into sinning but they practically inviting the devil to sit down at their table and sign a long term lease to live with them. How does that happen?

Anger unrestrained will lead to all kinds of outbursts that cause regret. People that sin in their anger seldom stay on the issue they are angry over. They often draw past offenses and hurts to the scene. This causes anger to swell. Then begin to mull over these extra offenses which will start to cause internal swelling to the original anger. That can become the early stage of rage which always leads to irrational thinking. Eruption is now brewing below the surface. Unbridled anger or rage leads to irrational thoughts that then lead to thoughts of every kind of evil. James 3:16 says it like this, “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”

As words begin to erupt from this anger, they begin to flow like lava and the devil now has a foothold. The words will be destructive and do damage to anyone in its path. In many cases, those words do long term damage that people may or may not recover from.

Gods wisdom tells us the danger in letting our anger ever cross the boundaries of inappropriateness.

Proverbs 27:4 says, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming…” Prov 14:17 says, “A quick-tempered man does foolish things….

You need to take on God’s temperament. Psalms 103:8 reveals, “The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.” God isn’t expecting people to meet His perfection. He had Jesus come and do that. Jesus was the only one who could. God is driven by love to help people make progress with great patience.

To keep anger from turning to rage, limit yourself to how much you think about or mull it over. Speak few words about it as words cause anger to grow. Pray to ask God to help you forgive – seek forgiveness for your own personal faults at the time of your anger toward someone else. Finally, pray for that person from a spirit of love and faith with the sincere desire to help them.

Eph 4:26-27, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

In His love,
Pastor Tim

Published by Pastor Tim Burt
Copyright© 2009 Tim Burt, All rights reserved.
http://readfreshmanna.blogspot.com/

Our Weekend to Remember

sonar69 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:22:16 GMT

My wife & I just returned from the Weekend To Remember event in Park City Utah. We are members of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) and I would say we have a good marriage. My wife was hesitant to attend because of the religious differences. I wanted to go because I am feeling the need to take our marriage to the next level, mostly wanted to get closer spiritualy.

All I can say is how awsome this event was for us. I dont want to bore everyone with all the details but I got exactly what I wanted... and that was the steps to taking our marriage to the next level. I was so proud of my wife. She learned so much. We are committed to revisiting the material every two weeks, increasing our Bible & scripture study and setting wonderful examples for our son.

I commend this organization for the good that they do.

How do you physically deal with the tension you feel when your wife challenges you?

sernoa — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 03:27:57 GMT

So I've been reading an amazingly insightful book Becoming Heirs Together of the Grace of Life by Jeff and Marge Barth; I have a personal testimony of how the Lord led me immediately all the way to the back corner of a thrift shop store directly to this book in a desperate hour of my marriage but I'll save that for another time. The very next day after that divine encounter at the thrift shop my wife and I received an email out of the blue stating my mother & father in-law wanted to buy us tickets for the Weekend to Remember conference by Focus on the Family. It seems our marriage is on God's radar and I'm thankful.

My question is to mature Christian husbands in this forum that have learned how to channel the tension you feel when your wife speaks to you in a tone that is challenging - especially spiritually challenging?

For example, my wife and I were driving home from a movie tonight discussing two churches we are focusing on to become members of (we recently moved). During our conversation my wife stated, "the first priority of going to church is not to worship God, we can worship God anywhere." While I agreed with the latter part I disagreed that it was not our first priority to which she responded in a challenging tone, "lets see what the Bible has to say about that." Whether either one of us is "right" it is that tone in your wife's voice that says indirectly "your wrong and I'm right" that stirs up tension in a husband that I'm seeking clarity on.

We've had conflicts way worse than this where words were much more sharply spoken but we are trying to grow individually and together into the marriage God wants for us. Which is why I'm posting this thread. I would just like to know a few things you guys do when tension is stirred up. Do you pray? Do you call upon the scriptures...slow to speak, slow to anger, overlook an offense for our glory? I've let other small arguments like this ruin my/our day/weekend before and I'm trying to break out of that cycle of defeat by seeking skills that have been effective for you when dealing with tension stirred up by your wife.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Deleted Post

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:14:19 GMT

This post has been deleted.

Children's book teaches salvation

nurs4@isp.com — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:09:53 GMT

Check out "The Eager Bunny", the only story out there that links a little bunny to Jesus and what Easter is really all about. 64 full color illustrations help little ones understand what the Love of Jesus did for us. The Eager Bunny Blessing Blog tells all about the author's near death experience and how there really is life after death with Jesus! Wholesale at outskirts press . com. Everyone family should have one of these books!

Matter of perspective...

BcauseHeLives — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 20:25:39 GMT

I think this place has become refreshed. There are still posts everyday. There is a lot of wonderful encouragement being given to people especially in the Women's & Family forums.

No there isn't the controversial, spirited debates going on anymore...if by stale you mean we don't have threads going on for pages in a matter of hours then I guess it's stale.

It's all a matter of perspective.

In all honesty...I find this place to be refreshing again. I don't have time to go through all the threads that were started in the last week or two...so I know that there is activity. But I sure do feel encouraged each & every time I log on here...and not so much discouraged as I used to.

I pray it continues this way & does not return to the days where the threads that got the most action were the ones where people were out to prove something...myself included in that absolutely!

I'm not saying this has necessarily happened because of who was banned but because their even was a banning. Like FL sent a message to us all...stop the madness! And so far they seem to have accomplished getting our attention.

Prayer support for teachers, anyone?

Hot Ice — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 05:13:31 GMT

I haven't posted much lately--in part, due to the fact that school has started back up, and I need to get my feet (claws) hooked in.

I'd appreciate prayers from everyone, but would like to hear form other teachers, as to what you're doing to navigate secular waters in the schools to keep unspotted from the world, but nonetheless effective for Christ.

Are you putting together prayer groups at the school?

Taking your Bible to school?

Are kids asking you about salvation?

Are you weaving spiritual principles into your lessons?

I don't know how soon I'll be back in, but anything you put out here is appreciated--especially the prayer.

God's Amazing Grace

BcauseHeLives — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:36:06 GMT

I spent a tremendous amount of time separated from God (in my mind) because of the inability to accept His Grace. I guess I didn't understand His grace. I wasted so much time feeling disconnected from Him because I wasn't able to be perfect. I lived under self imposed condemnation. I would then turn away from Him thinking I had or even could get my act together biblically.

It wasn't until it finally sunk in what Christ died for! And that I could ask for His help in being a daughter after God's own heart. That I couldn't do it on my own and that I would fail when I took on His work & He would be faithful to pick me up & carry me forward.

It's so sad to me but I think a lot of believers are caught in this destruction. I guess it's gotta be ignorance of His ways.

My brother is one of those. He told me not long ago that he would get back to God & church, etc when he was able to give 100% to Him. He said he felt it had to be an all or nothing sort of thing. Recently I shared with Him God's been revealing to me about His grace. I sent him an e-mail after he asked me for some support. I never heard back from him on that portion of the e-mail but he did mention he was going to talk to his son about something I was concerned about so I know he got it.

I'm praying for him.

But it makes me wonder how many others are stuck in the same rut?

This is one of my favorite songs by Chris Tomlin...

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind but now I see.

Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved,
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.

My chains are gone, I've been set free,
My God, my saviour has ransomed me,
And like a flood his mercy reigns,
Unending love, amazing grace.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His word my hope secures,
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.

My chains are gone, I've been set free,
My God, my saviour has ransomed me,
And like a flood his mercy reigns,
Unending love, amazing grace.
(repeat)

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine,
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine,
Will be forever mine,
You are forever mine.

Deployed and grateful...

jscrivenjr — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:41:02 GMT

I love listening to the podcasts during my time here in Iraq. This sure makes me feel like I'm home and I have specifically been benefiting from these. I especially have really been able to analyze my conduct and selfishness in our relationship.

Editing my group page

cgearhart — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 20:39:45 GMT

How do I edit my group page? In the past is was right there now, I don't know. Where did it go. I don't know.

copy on 2 sides

divorce in church — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:42:05 GMT

Obama discovered paper has two sides. Part of the 100 million in savings has actually been highlighted as mandating 2 sided copies.

Thank goodness they have big ideas on the savings side too!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,535613,00.html

Update

GettinBye2day — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 15:31:06 GMT

Its long post and I been writing this somewhere else so I forget what I said about Franklins shingles and Marsha had her baby early Jay did have two nights in jail but hes out and Marsha and him and the baby is home now and doing good. Jay come in here with a huge pack of diapers and I just know he stold them somehow. He is not making enough at the parts store and he says he fixes cars on the side but all he knows to do is change oil and maybe a break pad. I just wish Marsha had done better but maybe it will be fine. Franklin had to get one of those electric things he wears on his belt that make shingles not act up so bad and they put that on him over in Sorderville. They was nice and let him use it but he has to find the adaptor and its not charged right now so he can barely work.

I need advice Marsha could have to lose a bunch or weight. She can't afford to buy machines or special food off the TV so I dont know what to do. She is at least lots of pounds over weight after the baby and the baby is *** feeding and eating a lot and its making her eat a lot and sleep all day and its just getting worse. I see how Jay is looking at her and its makes me mad because he is a skinny man and he dont look any better. I pray the baby dont start his life with extra weight but its way to soon to tell.

I keep telling Franklin at least we are healthy and happy and all we got all our new family here safe with us even little Jay is healthy and thats a good thing. Jay needs to carry out the trash bags filled with diapers that are laying in the bedroom they been staying in because the whole hallway is starting to smell like dirty diapers. Franklin dont feel like carrying that down the hill when he goes to the parts store and he shouldnt have to. Baby makes 15 of them a day and it adds up to a whole lot of diapers in trash bags. There is an old trash compacter in here that dont work and I been trying to get Franklin to fix it but he said it would be a bad idea to stick those diapers in that and I guess he is right but we could smash all the other trash anyway. He is getting more and more lazy. I feel bad we left a bad example on Marsha by not being healthy and now look whats happened. If anyone has a chance you best teach your kids to not get heavy. I think its part why she had her baby early.

They are yelling for me to come outside I think they want me to run over to Sorderville with them to the Sack and Save and they really just want to use my gas and me buy the groceries. I am not going to put my grandbaby without anything so Im going to go.

Interesting Calvinist rebirth

divorce in church — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:26:09 GMT

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article6633558.ece

Calvin: still hot at 500

Meet the New Calvinists, a generation of young Evangelicals thirsting for back-to-Bible basics

div#related-article-links p a, div#related-article-links p a:visited { color:#06c; }

He’s 500 years old today, but he’s still hot. Especially for a brand of youthful US-based evangelicals. The 16th-century reformer John Calvin, perhaps unjustly famed for dourness and an elitist doctrine of pre-destination, is enjoying a huge revival in the Protestant world.

Time magazine put The New Calvinism at No 3, in its 2009 list of the Top Ten ideas Changing the World, calling it “ Evangelicalism's latest success story”.

Time points out that "the Calvinist-flavoured ESV Bible" sold out at first printing, and exalting the reformed blog Between Two Worlds as among "cyber-Christendom's hottest links."

A 2007 survey found that 30 per cent of all new pastors who graduate from the influential Southern Baptist Theological Seminary profess themselves Calvinist, and thus subscribers to his five key “doctrines of grace” - the depravity of man (enslaved by sin), unconditional election (God's choice of whom he will save is grounded in mercy not works), limited atonement (Jesus atoned once and for all for sin), irresistible grace (those God chooses to save cannot resist his grace), and perseverance of the saints (those God chooses to save will remain in faith eternally).

But the trend is divisive, inflaming rows in the Southern Baptist Convention, America's largest federation of Protestant churches. “Calvinism has generated a lot of interest in recent years in Southern Baptist life,” notes Danny Akin, head of the South Eastern Baptist Theological Seminary. “Unfortunately we have often talked at and not with one another. Unhealthy rhetoric and misrepresentations from all directions have led to confusion and even ill will among brothers and sisters in Christ."

The modern version, propelled by dynamic preachers such as Mark Driscoll in Seattle, and in Minneapolis, John Piper of the Bethlehem Baptist Church, the founder of the Desiring God movement, offers a vision of the abundant love of God in all situations, even the toughest.

Dr W Robert Godfrey, President of Westminster Seminary in California, and the author of John Calvin, Pilgrim and Pastor says Calvin viewed himself primarily not as a theologian but a Christ-centred Biblical pastor. For Calvin, trust in providence was key, meaning that “in the circumstances of our lives our heavenly Father is overseeing and directing all things. Even in the bitter times we can have comfort in the advancement of his kingdom.” Albert Mohler, the head of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, asserts that any Christian seeking to define God biblically will be “drawn to conclusions that are traditionally classified as Calvinist.”

Such back-to-Bible basics strongly appeal to a generation broken by “divorce, drugs or sexual temptation,” claims Collin Hansen, the youngest religion editor at the magazine and website Christianity Today.

His book Young, Restless, Reformed: A Journalist's Journey with the New Calvinists, was the result of his two-year quest to discover whether the trend for Reformed theology he had spotted with College contemporaries was a one-off or part of larger movement. After all Yale University had recently published a major biography of the popular 18th-century Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards, a “number of Calvinists” were occupying top positions in US seminaries, preachers like Piper sold millions of books and had vast following at events like the student-based evangelical “Passion Conference”. In “locales as diverse as Birmingham, Alabama and New Haven, Connecticut,” he set out to discover “what makes today’s young evangelicals tick,” and thus the shape of tomorrow’s Church.

He found a generation “weary of churches that seek to entertain rather than teach, longing after the true meat of the Word” and Calvinist pastors concerned at evangelical mega-churches seemingly modelled on businesses.

However, not all evangelicals are happy with the New Calvinist trend. Hansen interviewed Steve Lemke, the provost of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary, who in a 2005 talk on the future of Southern Baptists asserted that Calvinism was "potentially the most explosive and divisive issue facing us in the near future. It has already been an issue that has split literally dozens of churches, and it holds the potential to split the entire convention."

His concern was essentially that Calvinist churches are not committed to evangelism. Why bother, if God has already selected those who will be saved? "For many people, if they're convinced that God has already elected those who will be elect … I don't see how humanly speaking that can't temper your passion, because you know you're not that crucial to the process," Lemke explains.

Whatever your take, it’s a debate that’s here to stay

Answering the hard questions

gracefordivorce — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:48:11 GMT

All of us have questions about relationships, as many of us have already been married once... Or twice... Or we've been independent for a long time... We often don't get easier to get along with as time goes on... And we often have trouble feeling bonded as a couple the second or third time... Does this mean we shouldn't consider marriage with a new, special someone?.... I think it's possible to have correct servant-based courtships and marriages, but it requires making good, servant-based choices day upon day upon day... I think it is a crying shame when we allow the hasty relationship decisions of our difficult past to repeat themselves into our future. I also think it's possible to not do that...

Pastors should encourage single people.

gracefordivorce — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 15:41:58 GMT

I just think; with the Lord "Shaking what can be shaken" and with people becoming more willful and leaving their homes in record numbers; and with newly single adults becoming much more prevalent in the church... That pastors should possibly recognize that these people need affirmation from the pulpit... That they need to be educated in the process of having quality, Christ-centered relationships, both within their gender and outside their gender... Because, I believe, the root cause of many repeat divorces is the lack of knowledge in the church, of how to live correctly as a single adult; of how to choose friendships and relationships properly, and how to date and bond as a couple before a new marriage. That's what we do in our ministry...

This is a good read...I know I needed to read it!

BcauseHeLives — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:54:47 GMT

Do You Need Mercy? Do You Give It?

Proverbs 11:17 “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.”

I often need to refresh my attitude when working with people. I guess we occasionally and I’m sure unintentionally, wear each other out. There are many verses that help adjust our heart attitude including James 3:17-18. “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.” These verses help us discern our own words, attitudes, and actions to see if the place we are coming from when working through issues or conflict are from an ungodly or godly perspective. A key word that will help us get the entire context of this verse is “mercy.”

Are you absolutely aware that almost every offense that ticks you off about other people, you yourself have violated? Proverbs 20:9 says, “Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin"? We may not easily admit this but we often act like we’ve never committed the violation we are presently upset at someone about. Chances are huge that we have! Psalm 143:2 says, “Don't bring your servant to trial! Compared to you, no one is perfect.” What this verse is saying is that in your eyes you will always be justified but the offender will never measure up to your standard. The truth is, not one of us would survive without mercy. Mercy is one of the most powerful forces in the world and the one that God used to bring you and I back to Himself through Jesus Christ.

If we learn to imitate God, we can bring mercy into our daily living experience when and wherever possible to help soften or remove offense and conflict.

God extends great and continuous mercy toward each of us. Psalms 86:5 says, “For you, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive; and abundant in mercy unto all them that call upon you.” As our character matures and is shaped by His Word in us, He wants that merciful heart to flow from us. Proverbs 11:17 “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh.”

If God continually has mercy on us, then it should also be given from us to others - often. It has the power to instantly soften and reunite our hearts with someone we’d otherwise be offended or upset with.

I realize it doesn’t always solve the problems that cause conflict. It does give space and time to work out and work through conflict with the Heavenly wisdom spoken of in the verses above from James. We are all a work in progress and therefore all desperate for God’s mercy. As liberally as we would want or need it, let us give it out. Are you in conflict? Remember your own shortcomings and God’s continuous mercy toward you. It will help you instantly adjust your attitude. Then the mercy of God can flow without interruption from you.

In His Love,

Pastor Tim Burt

http://readfreshmanna.blogspot.com/

Understanding Your Fear Dance

BcauseHeLives — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:28:24 GMT

Understanding Your Fear Dance

To make sure you understand the dance, let's take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.

1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.

2. You want. When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just … Or, If only my friends would … The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

Our Wants

ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.

GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don't deserve.

CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.

COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.

SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.

SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.

UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.

LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.

VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.

COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.

RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.

WORTH—I want to feel important.

HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.

COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.

SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.

ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.

COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.

SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.

APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.

WANTED—I want to be sought after.

SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.

AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.

TRUST—I want to have faith in others.

HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.

JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.

3. You fear. Through thousands of marriage intensives, both at our counseling centers and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you're not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you're not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won't be fulfilled, you experience fear:

We can't live without ________. So we fear ________ (You fill in the blanks)

Acceptance	Rejection
Grace	Judgment
Connection	Disconnection
Companionship	Loneliness
Success	Failure
Self-Determination	Powerlessness
Understanding	Being misunderstood
Love	Being scorned
Validation	Being invalidated
Competence	Feeling defective
Respect	Inferiority
Worth	Worthlessness
Honor	Feeling devalued
Dignity	Humiliation
Commitment	Abandonment
Significance	Feeling unimportant
Attention	Feeling ignored
Support	Neglect
Approval	Condemnation
Wanted	Feeling unwanted
Safety	Danger
Affection	Feeling disliked
Trust	Mistrust
Hope	Despair
Joy	Unhappiness

Even though we have listed twenty-five wants and fears here, Greg and Bob's team found that all of our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You react. If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You'll do anything to soothe your hurt. You'll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You'll do or say anything to calm your fear.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it's not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It's how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.

» Read the Explanation

Found at this link:

http://www.smalleyonline.com/assessments/feardance.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did the fear dance last night. I am so glad I found this. I followed the "Read The Explanation" link & printed it out to read over lunch.