FamilyLife Forums

I just found this website/group.  I am a born again Christian experiencing what I would consider very near hell on earth in my marriage and family. Yes, things could be worse, but I honestly can't imagine being able to cope with more than what is happening right now.

My husband and I have been together for coming on 13 years, married for 10 the end of this month.  We have 3 beautiful childeren: a boy--6yrs., a girl--4 yrs, and another little girl--2yrs. We have been consistently fighting for the last 1 1/2 years.

There are so many facets to the problems in our relationship, it would take 10 + pages to type it all out.  A summary:  I am a Christian--my spouse is not,  emotional affair by my husband, consistent verbal and emotional abuse to me, extreme moodiness by my husband, dire financial straits, children beginning to show physical signs of stress due to the situation.  There really are so much more details which I hope to explain later. 

I should probably end this post now, he definitely wouldn't be happy to find me "opening my big mouth" about our situation.  Hopefully I can write more later--please pray for us.

I am not sure that I really know enough about your situation to give any good, informed feedback.  But, I do want you to know that I will be praying for you.  Is your husband open to counselling?  It sounds like you may need a third party to help you out.  Some counsellors are more effective than others, so if you've tried it once and it hasn't worked, don't give up! 

Also, be sure you are working on your relationship with Christ first and foremost.  This is difficult with little children, but perhaps there is a Bible study you could get involved in nearby?  Take time to pray for your family and especially your husband.

I don't know that I've said anything you don't already know and do.  But again, I will be praying for you!

Thanks so much for the reply.   I really haven't given enough details--my husband is gone for the night, so maybe I can type some more!

I would absolutely love to do couples counseling, but he is totally opposed.  He is very secretive and refuses to involve others in our situation.  I think he personally needs a tremendous amount of therapy, as he has so much bitterness and anger in general.  I have a wonderful Christian mother who is helping me through the situation and I have also talked to a couple different pastors about our situation.

I just feel like I don't know him anymore.  I know we all change, but it's as if the man I married has been lost in this new person that he is.  He is not a Christian, although in the past he has went to church with me several times and up until recently, has lived as though he was a Christian.  He knows how to get right with the Lord, and I know he had a brief "experience" before we were married.  It really seems like he is going through an early mid-life crisis--he's only 31 years old.  But almost as if he is questioning if he wants to be a husband and a father anymore. 

In his eyes, I do nothing right and do not put "effort" into our relationship.  I can say with 100% conviction that I am trying my heart out.  We all mess up, but when I do, he blows it completely out of proportion.  In the past he has told me that I'm "worthless" and I "can't do anything right".  Things have happened in our relationship that angered him so much that he has told me "I f----g hate you" and that "you're f----g stupid".  I have recieved various heart felt apologies from him for his behavior, but he can go from being "happy" to something small happening and him doing a complete 180 to cussing me out and being so hateful. 

I feel as though I cannot let myself be too emotionally vulnerable with him in order to combat these mood swings.  As a result, it's hard to completely throw myself into the "happy" times in preparation for the next time he becomes irrationally upset.  Intimacy is another related issue to allowing myself to become emotionally vulnerable.  As his wife, it is my duty to take care of his "physical" needs, but sometimes find myself almost nauseous because my emotions are not in tune with what my body is experiencing.  Not that I don't love him, but that it's hard to "make love" when you don't feel loved.

We have tried temporary separation, with me taking the kids 8 hours away to my parents, but the arrangement was cut short after about 2 weeks due to an outside conflict that ambushed our relationship.  My husband and brother in law got into an extremely awful verbal argument and since my sister and brother in law live in the same town as my parents, I was given the choice to come home "now" or "not at all"---he was taking the kids and I would have to be without them if I didn't come home.  Of course, I chose my family.

Our 3 precious kids are such innocent vicims in this whole thing. Our 6 year old son idolizes his dad.  He has felt the stress of this situation more than his sisters.  He is a wonderul, loving kid, but I got a call from his principle the other morning that he had bitten a fellow student.  They were not fighting or playing, and he could give no explanation as to why he did it except that he "felt like biting something".  He was so upset, crying and very remorseful.  The whole situation really broke my heart.  He is having regular visits with the school counselor to hopfully help him deal with this stress.

My husband is really into motorcross and cars and car audio.  He has a ton of magazines on these hobbies that also happen to have occasionally very raunchy and inappropriate pictures of women in them.  My son likes to cut out and paste different pictures of bikes and cars from these magazines and I have found some very small and inappropriate pictures of women that he has cut out and pasted on little pieces of paper.  I have also "caught" him and his sister looking at the "sexy girls" in daddy's magazines and my husbands reaction is to get mad at them.  My opinion is to not even have those stupid magazines around in the first place--even if they are mostly about cars and dirt bikes.  It is beyond my reasoning why on earth you would even allow that kind of stuff in your home to "tempt" your 6 year old?!?!  My husband refuses to get rid of them, instead saying that the kids should not be looking at them in the first place.

I have had a talk with my 2 oldest about how Jesus views those girly pictures.  How He doesn't like them and it makes Him sad and that if they ever come across them, they should look away.  I try my best to keep the magazines away from them in the first place, but tried to instruct them what to do "just in case".

There really are so many facets to this "problematic" relationship, it would probably take me 10 + pages to type out all the details.  Maybe through future postings, more will be addressed, as I am sure that these issues will not just "go away".  I know so many people's and my own prayers are sustaining me.  I also know that if my husband will let God change his heart that all our other issues can be dealt with and resolved--just trying my best to hang on until then.

Wow!  I wish I had some good insight to give to you, but I honestly don't.  I will be praying for you.  It is difficult where he is not a Christian.  My husband and I recently attended a Weekend to Remember.  If your husband would consider that, I would highly recommend it.  It is rather pricey, but it would be worth it... especially for the sake of your children.

One thing I would recommend is seeking ways to not allow your husband to use your children as pawns.  I truly do not know the answer to this, but you should not have to decide between separation for the good of both you and your children or having him take the children without you.  Yes, you should choose your family, but I wonder if maybe a separation would be best - with the intention of eventually reconciling, but NOT before things change.  However, you need to secure having your kids with YOU (at least primarily), because it sounds like there are some very negative influences he is having on them.  I'm not sure how that works, either legally or in reality. 

It does sound like your husband might be bipolar... I'm not a medical doctor, but I have known a few people with this disorder.  Does he have any friends that might be influential in helping pursuade him into visiting a counselor or doctor who might be able to investigate that?  It might come from a friend better than from you.  Just a thought.

In the meantime, I will be praying!  My heart goes out to you!

Dear rm3chavez,
I read this thread last night and tried to reply but got interrupted by a computer problem followed by other circumstances.  But I'm back.   Your situation touched my spirit and I prayed for you and your family!  Prayer is Powerful and God is working-- be assured of that! 

When I came to this forum nine years ago, I had been struggling intensely, trying to set boundaries as my husband's abusive ways kept escalating over 17 years, especially the last 10 ...  I learned that God is definitely in the covenant with a Christian wife and HE is our #1 Husband!!!   With GOD on your side, there is nothing He can't get you through!  He will provide the way for you no matter what your husband chooses to do.  I hope and pray in agreeement with you that your husband will choose the way God has for him!! (my husband chose the wrong path, unfortunately).

Not even a sparrow falls but God knows of it!  He is trying to bring order from chaos!  Partner with HIM in the work He wants to do in you, in your husband, and family.  God's goal is to redeem sinners, heal, restore and bring us all into His design and purposes.  Through a Godly wife, He wants to be a "sanctifying influence" to an unsaved or immature husband!  Many will tell you that you have no influence, that you can only change youself--  Of course you and I need to change, but we have a God living through us that wants to affect change around us too! 

An abusive situation tries to shrink us to nothing through guilt-tripping, shaming, blaming, etc. and to a sense of powerlessness, but don't accept that!  Your identity is secure in Christ and you can walk in His strength daily!!  Let God's spirit speak to you with specific directions day by day that fit exactly to what HE knows is going on and how He wants to work with your husband's heart.

The Holy Spirit's goal is to guide YOU through these waters to produce in and through you something very important:

Proverbs 4: 7-9 NIV "Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her and she will exalt you; embrace her and she will honor you. She will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor."

Keep that in mind, my dear sister!   This trouble in your life isn't meant for harm ultimately, but to give you understanding, compassion, and wisdom to help others in a Biblical way, so learn all God reveals to you!! 

In this trial you have a choice:
(1) to simply be reactive based on what your husband does and how you feel or (2) choose your actions based on the Word. 
We have to do the second!!!   The Bible is full of sound instruction in how to deal with this.  I can't possibly type it all here. I read many marriage books and resources related to abuse too, but sister, God knows you and your husband's hearts and how to bring change!

The Matt. 18:15-19 process is a good guide when a marriage has gone far below Biblical standards with huge offenses.  Yes, get your pastor's support. Will your pastor or someone your husband respects confront him and attempt to start accountability?  Need to bring to light what the sources of his anger are and get him growing!!   In some cases, an intervention can be planned, in which a group of people (family/friends/pastor, etc) confront and expect him to become accountable, get therapy, etc.

One of the biggest concerns, is for your kids. You must protect them from emotional trauma.  I struggled with this decision because it would be hard for them if we separated from their dad or if we stayed!  I think you are at the point where staying is worse.  Is there a shelter near you for women and children??   Since my husband was away often, I was able to keep some (not enough) boundaries when he was home or I left for short periods (hours or day).  There came a time when that was not enough at all.   This is where you need to be informed of Scriptural guidelines and the laws in your state. In some instances, by law, if you leave (abandon the home), you can legally be at a disadvantage so that's why I think it is better to find a "plan" where you and the kids can stay in your home (to keep stability for the kids) and send the misbehaving husband out (because he has lost his God-given position of authority in the home by his unsafe ways)!  Perhaps your pastor would confront and get him to see that he needs to stay somewhere else and get personal help. Especially since he is frustrated being husband/father, he needs "out" time.  If that won't work, in my state, we can get a legal protective/restraining order or even a legal separation (a step short of divorce).   If he didn't change through normal talk and short separations, won't do counseling, then now he is out of the home and pays financial support.
Such a crisis may make him face himself.   God's #1 goal is to bring your husband to a realization of his sinful nature so He will accept Christ's salvation, get a renewed mind, and grow into maturity spiritually, emotionally and relationally.  

Is this helping? 
 

Dear rm3chavez

I am so sorry for the hardship you are going through of which seems to be an unending spiralling situation no matter what you do. First of all I want to share with you that "For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37)  which indicates that there is indeed Hope for your marriage. Secondly you are not alone though it may seem like you are for God is with you walking with you in this "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me." (Ps 23:4) also "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (Ps 46:1)  "... my saviour; thou savest me from violence." (2 Sam 22:3)  The Lord knows what you are going through and is ready to be your help in your marriage.      You indicate that your husband is not a believer, "He is not a Christian" "He knows how to get right with the Lord, and I know he had a brief experience before we were married." If he gave his heart to the Lord and had an experience in doing so I would have to believe He has in part tasted of the truth, though perhaps was not able to fully commit his life completely, especially considering all the anger, frustration he is still experiencing and displaying in his life. Also in regards to what you said "as his wife, it is my duty to take care of his physical needs......" in light of this I would really like to recommend a book to you to give you a more Godly centered outlook on physically loving your husband, for me it was by far one of the most Biblically centered books regarding loving our husbands physically of which I found to be liberating in my life and outlook on loving my husband. "Is That All He Thinks About?" by Marla Taviano.  You also said "but sometimes find myself almost nautious, because  my emotions are not in tune with what my body is experiencing" Indeed when our husbands treat us unkindly or in your case in anger and hostility verbally we lose all ability emotionally to respond back in love or respect for them, because of the fact that we as women respond in love as we are shown love, tenderness and care by our husbands it's our make up, how God created us. God created Eve for Adam as a gift to him, to care for her also and thus it is his responsibility to Eph 5:25 "Husband, love your wives even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for it." vs 33 "..... love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverance her husband." This is so hard to do when our husbands are not fulfilling their part that God commanded them to do. And in response to our husbands bad treatment towards them the "reverance", respect, love, willingness we would normally give... totally breaks down. I would also like to say that it is possible that your husband is under great stress in his life, perhaps an addiction to pornography that causes him to feel such great guilt and shame that it flows out in how he treats you, His guilt from his own sin and he does not know how to find release from it. This is a possibility, not saying that he does. Obviously his magazines have some influence as "soft" as it may seem, not the real outright porn magazines, movies etc...  Some of this, the stress, anger, and possible involvement in pornography may all be what's at the root of his actions especially considering the change that has taken place in him from what you knew him to be. I would like to let you know there is hope in your situation and that God can bring the change needed. My husband fell away from the Lord for 10 years due to certain circumstances as well as having an addiction to pornography but Praise God the Lord brought him back. Yes it was difficult on me and now I had to learn how to stand in and through it all, as lonely as I did feel, but I will say it all drove me on my knees crying out to the Lord for His help and intervention, and "I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and  he heard me out of His holy hill (Ps 3:4) and the Lord helped me, He became my strength and source of supply in and through it all and He will be yours as well. You are not alone, the Lord indeed hears your cries and knows your heart and what you have been going through, He cares for you and wants to be help you in and through this also. There is a scripture that says "A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievious words stir up anger." (Prov 15:1) It may be most difficult to not respond to your husband in anger when he lashes out at you but God can give you the strength to hold your tongue when your husbands speaks forth hateful, hurtful, angry words. Even as Jesus did not retaliate to those who mocked and scourged Him but rather prayed "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" I would also like to recommend the Christian movie on dvd "Fire Proof", this by far is probably one of thee best movies for marriages I have ever seen and is fairly new, a must for any couple who are going to be getting married as well as couples who are already married and experiencing a break down in their marriage. That which is depicted in this movie is life changing. I recommend it be something that both you and your husband sit down to watch together by yourselves without your children present, choosing a time without interruption. I encourage you to pray first before watching the movie that God will allow the movie to minister to your husbands heart and open his eyes allowing it to not only bring about a change in his heart towards you his wife, his children but also his marriage as a whole, and the change needed regarding his Christian experience.  Again I say to you  "FOR WITH GOD NOTHING SHALL BE IMPOSSIBLE" there is hope in your situation, your marriage and your husband as God specializes in all these areas things thought impossible. His plan is for us to have the marriage He designed it to be but we have all lost our way in it.  If we bring it all to Him in prayer allowing for God to be at the helm and are willing to lay it all down before Him, trusting Him with every detail completely, believing also He "will perform it" (Phil 1:6).  We will see the results we need in our marriages. For if God can bring about the change in my marriage, I know He can do it in others also, for He is no respector of persons, He loves us all the same and has all of our best interest at heart. We must not loose heart or hope in this, even though we may feel like our whole world seems to be crashing down around us. Remember to cast your cares before Him. It may not happen right away for our timing is not His timing, but if we are willing to wait and trust into Him then we shall not be disappointed nor defeated. Your husband too is sanctified through your prayers, "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife" (1 Cor 7:14) God will indeed move on your behalf as you continue to be faithful and committed to the Lord doing all that the bible instructs us to do as wives as God enables you, as futile as it all may seem, though it is not. Pray that God will help you to love your husband as He loves him, because we can't, even during the times he is verbally hostile towards you, that is unconditional love even when we don't receive love back, love that never fails. It may not always be easy for you but again the Lord will give you strength and equip you in it by the working of the Holy Spirit in you. It is all a work of the Holy Spirit in and through us allowing for Christ to shine through us in our marriage. Another helpful book you might like to read is "How To Pray for your Husband" by Stormie OMartin.  Be encouraged today in this journey of healing and restoration in your marriage, keep your focus on the Lord He will not only see you through the storm but able to calm the storm. He will not fail you and will be to you right now the husband you have need of. Hope this helps you, don't hesitate to e-mail me if you need to ask anything regarding what I have shared with you or anything to help you through.    His blessings to you and yours.