FamilyLife Forums

I kid, but I'm having some mental issue's that I'm struggling to deal with and I was wondering if anyone else could relate or had insight on what happens next. Long story short, my wife and I had a major talk about us not "being in sync" for a few weeks and so I asked her about it. She brought to my attention that I'm not the strongest spiritual leader...I've got my moments, but I've got plenty of room to improve. She said that was one reason why we haven't had our adult time lately. She also admitted that b/c I have a very conducive schedule to being at home during the day, I had been doing a large majority of the house work and that she liked it and let me do more than my share...and so here's my mental block. I'm working on improving my leadership skills...not very easy, but I'm working hard at it and I know that she is noticing. BUT, I still feel like when I get home from work, she takes off to take care of some things she wants/needs to and I get to do a lot of the work. I feel like at times, I'm having to work for time with my wife, both casually and physically. Almost like I'm digging out of a hole that I didn't know I was in. There are unfortunately MANY factors that make me feel like this and I don't have room to talk about them all. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm starved for intimate time with my wife or if I'm taking things too seriously and I just need to relax and let things come in stride. Thanks for the insight!

First off, if she's going to withhold sex until you meet some standard of spiritual leadership, I'd ask her in as non-confrontational way as possible exactly what being an "acceptable" spiritual leader looks like and what verses or general principles she bases that standard on.

You could also ask her where she gets the idea that such withholding is an acceptable response to your "failure". That may be diffucult to do without comming across as demanding your maritial "rights" though so if you go there, go VERY carefully.

I'm not saying that it's wrong of her to want you to be the spiritual leader, I'm just saying that many people get a picture in their mind of what that looks like that has nothing at all to do with any Biblical standards or principles. If you look I think you'll be hard pressed to find anywhere that the performance standards for an "acceptable" spiritual leader of the home are laid out.

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Chaz345

Fact:  In every marriage there is a high drive (HD) and a low drive (LD) spouse.

Fact:  In every marriage the LD spouse controls the sex whether they want to or not.

KW

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

Ky Wildcat:

Fact:  In every marriage there is a high drive (HD) and a low drive (LD) spouse.

Fact:  In every marriage the LD spouse controls the sex whether they want to or not.

KW

True, but it makes a HUGE difference if the LD spouse works to try to "step it up a bit" or if they take a  "well that's the way it is deal with it" attitude. Even if the efforts to increase frequency only result in a very small change, the fact that they are trying makes all the difference in the world.

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Chaz345

I found that learning to stand with Christ and becoming more desirable and appearing less needy helps as well.

KW

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

Thanks for the insight! Good ideas and thoughts!

sanderson28025:

I kid, but I'm having some mental issue's that I'm struggling to deal with and I was wondering if anyone else could relate or had insight on what happens next. Long story short, my wife and I had a major talk about us not "being in sync" for a few weeks and so I asked her about it. She brought to my attention that I'm not the strongest spiritual leader...I've got my moments, but I've got plenty of room to improve. She said that was one reason why we haven't had our adult time lately. She also admitted that b/c I have a very conducive schedule to being at home during the day, I had been doing a large majority of the house work and that she liked it and let me do more than my share...and so here's my mental block. I'm working on improving my leadership skills...not very easy, but I'm working hard at it and I know that she is noticing. BUT, I still feel like when I get home from work, she takes off to take care of some things she wants/needs to and I get to do a lot of the work. I feel like at times, I'm having to work for time with my wife, both casually and physically. Almost like I'm digging out of a hole that I didn't know I was in. There are unfortunately MANY factors that make me feel like this and I don't have room to talk about them all. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm starved for intimate time with my wife or if I'm taking things too seriously and I just need to relax and let things come in stride. Thanks for the insight!

Another thing you might consider,

Do you understand your wife's love language?

Also, my wife(now my exwife) hated it when I kept a log of how often we had sex.

In her eyes, I was not being romantice when I thought I was.

I was doing the whole "means to an end" I could not see it then. She did sex out of duty, because I was not giving her what she needed.

I understand that all relationships are different. This may not apply.

I believe that I know how you're feeling, I have been there myself. The hardest thing to really understand is that a womans desire to have sex with her husband usually has nothing to do with wanting sex, rather it comes from being content, and feeling secure with her husband. When we husbands drop the ball in the Spiritual leadership area, we pay a high price in the bedroom. A woman feels most secure when she knows that she is being covered by her husband spiritually, as well as by the Lord. I have a very thick hard scull and the concept that still evades me is the understanding that for a woman, sexual intimacy is the desired object, and that can only come when all the bases are covered. That's it in a nutshell. That does not diminish your physical need for closeness and sex with you wife, and it should not preclude her from extending these things to you even when you are not perfectly fulfilling your role. It's a balance issue. One book which my wife found to be particularily helpful in helping her understand my needs as a husband is "Is that all he thinks about" by Marla Taviano (harvest house books) 2007

You cannot earn sex with your spouse, nor should you have to.  A lack of sexual intimacy in marriage is an integrity issue.

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

What is your definition of "Integrity Issue"?

I am by no means the perfect wife, but what struck me in reading the post is that she is calling him out for not being the spiritual leader, yet withholding sex on her end.  This is not a good biblical example either.  We must remember we don't know all the details or underlying issues, but sounds like both husband and wife need to communicate better about alot of different things.  I recommend watching Jimmy and Karen Evans in order to get some great marital advice. 

I have been through quite the ordeal in the last few years and studied marriages big time.  I am more aware of my h's needs and don't say no as quickly as I used to even when tired.  Withholding sex for a period of time is not biblical unless agreeable between the two for fasting and praying.

Oops sorry.  I just realized I posted in the men's forum.  I was just searching active posts.  So sorry for invading guys.

No problem, I am not in favor of this segregation bit, is Christ divided? We are all to be the Body of Christ, every joint supplying. Sometimes we can only get a balanced insight by hearing from both parties. How could a woman posting in the womens forum possibly get the whole picture of how a man and a husband thinks and feels without hearing from them?

hoplon:

What is your definition of "Integrity Issue"?

Having the integrity to face the normal issues found in every marriage.

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

I asked because I don't remember seeing anything in Sanderson's post which would indicate an integrity deficit. I agree that he, as well as all of us need courage and faith in and through the Lord Jesus Christ to face the day to day issues of marriage, but I do not see that he has an integrity issue, based upon the definition of the word integrity. To the contrary, I see in his attempt to understand what to do, and how to act he is displaying quite a bit of integrity.