FamilyLife Forums

Please pray for us. I feel as if I am in a hopeless situation. There are too many things to mention but I will tell you one issue.  I left my husband for three years  mainly because he had an affair. We had no contact with each other(including our children) which I now regret. In July he wrote me many letters saying that he was sorry about everything and that he wanted us back. It is now October. We are   all back together and the honeymoon is so over. I am a stay at home mom again to our four boys and am expecting our last child. I should also say that we both had extramarrital affairs during the separation. I had two one-timers. He had a series of affairs over two years. We discussed these relationships and I've repented. I know what God wants for us. A complete turnaround. I'm not so sure where my husband is.  He claims that he had a another affair since we've reconciled because he thought I up and left with the kids again(our phone wasn't working and we couldnt reach each other ).  I forgave him but I don't trust him. We both know that we need counseling fast.. We have arguments about our rocky past and  his ongoing affairs. I have expressed my anger in negative ways. I've sworn and have thrown things. Now he says he doesn't like the person i've become and the way I'm handling things. So I'm on the couch a good part of the week, torn to pieces. I'm appologising to him but I don't get any in return. Last night I went to our bed. I pleased him sexually to express that I am still here for him and that I'LL DO  anything to keep him in our bed. We didn't say a word to each other.  I was dissapointed he didn't verbally respond to me at all but I am patient enough to wait. There are a slew of issues. I have a history of depression and am going through one now. I have no transportation so I am homebound. My husband doesn't have me on  his car insurance so he must drive me.PLEASE PRAY FOR A BREAKTHROUGH.

Dear Jarandle,
Welcome to FL forum. It has been quieter than usual here lately and weekends are the slowest, so I apologize that it has taken a few days for you to get a written response.  I hope you are still here. I care about you!

Are you both born-again believers and do you have a church home that is supportive of your family?  Your kids need the Christian environment with good activities and friends and possibly the love of extended family, especially when their parents are struggling. 

Perhaps someone at church or from the extended family could provide childcare too while you get the personal counsel you need. You may have to use public transportation to get to a doctor, pastor, and Christian counselor. You need this help. Your kids also need their mother well. 

Depression is a symptom, and you must find the cause(s) and deal with them effectively. Your doctor should give you a complete physical first because depression can be due to other health problems. Be sure to test the levels of Vit. B12 & Vit. D, and other nutritional values and supplement accordingly.   Any trauma in your history and now, should also be dealt with by an appropriate therapist.

Whenever there have been marital affairs, the possibility of spreading disease is possible and dangerous.  You and your husband should be medically tested before coming together sexually. And both of you must recognize that personal and marriage problems are never solved by affairs. Affairs only create more problems. God created each individual in His image and that dignity must be preserved for ourselves and others.

Yes, you're right, God does want a complete turn-around for your marriage. There is no situation too hard for Him!  All of the issues may look overwhelming right now, but focus toward the beautiful design God had from the beginning!  He wants that joy for you and your husband. Have you two seen Dr. Emerson Eggerich's DVD seminar, Love and Respect?  www.loveandrespect.com.  Some churches host it, and there is a book by that title too.  It is excellent. Another good resource is Jimmy and Karen Evan's "Marriage on the Rock" and their weekly program on TV/online at www.marriagetoday.org.  The more you and your husband hear the truth of how a healthy, Godly marriage works, the more likely you both will want to leave the broken, dysfunctional ways behind.

It would also be helpful to read a Christian book about the steps needed to heal and rebuild trust and recover from affairs, such as Torn Assunder by Dave Carder, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, etc.

God bless you with restoration and abundant life and health!

Jarandle,

A warm welcome to the forum! I am so sorry
that you are going thru a rough marriage. I
am in complete agreeance with everything that
Renae610 has written. And my 1st thought was
as to whether both of you were born-again
Christians as well. I think it is VITAL that
the two of you find a church you can call
"home". Within a home-church, you will find
endless supply of resources that can help you
and your husband/family.

No one can know what the experience of
infedelity is like, until you go thru it
personally. If both parties make an honest
effort to rebuild the shattered trust and
communication that results from an affair,
with Gods help & direction, the new people
who emerge can be even better than they were
pre-affair...together or separate. I can say
this from being on the hurted end. I got
married in my mid-20's, and within the short
amount of time we were married (divorced with
in 6 months of marriage), my husband managed
to have an affair with a young man, subseq-
uently, our neighbor downstairs. There were
quite a few books that I read during the time
I was going thru all of my heartbreak, and
afterwards as well. At the time of my life,
when going thru all this, I attended a
church who had me read the suggested
book, "Surviving an
Affair". The book gave the suggestion that it
was all my fault for the affair, if I'd be a
better spouse, things of the sort wouldn't've
happened to begin with. Overall, I didn't
like the books approch - discouraging guilt
with my husband, but encouraging me to
tolerate his actions. At the time it made me
feel like it was an effort to justify my
husbands actions...it left me feeling even
more depressed and disappointed that I was
already feeling due to his infedelity.

Getting thru an affair is a long road - the
wound isn't just going to heal overnite...
there is no quick fix. A book I would suggest
reading is, "My Husbands affair became the
Best thing that ever happened to me" by Anne
Bercht. I'm not sure if it's a Christian book
or not, but it did help me thru & afterwards.
The book tells of the authors' personal
experience of infedelity. I liked how the
book told sides of both stories, but mainly
focused on Anne's daily struggle on coping
with an affair, and how to get thru each day-
one at a time. Reading the husbands' point of
view can prepare you for what may be with-
drawl symptoms, after the affair has ended, &
helps you become mentally ready & willing to
offer the comfort & acceptance that he
desperately needs from you, his wife. This is
not only a excellent book for those going
thru infedelity, but also good insight for
those, so they don't have to experience what
you are going thru.

Another excellent book to add to your library
- buy a copy, is "Power of
a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.
It will encourage you to put
your trust in God on reconciliation for your
marriage. Not only helpful for your growth,
but helps you pray for your husbands'
Spiritual walk, his emotions, his role as the
Head of the household, father & leader, to
find security in his job/finances, Health,
his/your faith and future. When the author
tells you to pray for your husband, despite
the fact that he's been hurtful towards you,
she's right! This book helped me to cope,both
during and after my marriage was over. I kept
praying for my husband, even after our
divorce was final, that he may find God (he
wasn't a Christian). Simple point - there's
nothing as powerful as prayer!

In addition, though it may not be directed
towards infedelity, "The 5 Love Languages",
by
Gary Chapman, is an excellent book to read.
There is also an edition of this book that
targets males - it's titled "The 5 Love Lan-
guages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment
to Your Mate" (is your hubby open to reading
books?). We, in relationships, speak
different love languages. Gary identifies the
5: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time,
Receiving gifts, Acts of Srvc & Phys Touch.
This book not only works in marriages, but
life as a whole, I believe.

Lastly, I will suggest two things:
1) Familylife's Weekend to Remember
- I'm planning on attending one in a mnth,
with my fiancee. I've seen it change
ppl's lives & change broken marriages
times over.
2) Fireproof/Love Dare
- I suggest perhaps you sit down to watch
the film alone, and next with your spouse
to witness a possible reaction. The Love
Dare is explained in the movie, but can
be purchased at any (Christian) book-
store. I highly recommend doing both -
as a close friend earlier this year was
to the point of getting a divorce from
his wife. After watching Fireproof & both
attending the Wknd to Remember, they
were baptized, and re-newed their vows.

Depression, as Renae610 mentioned, is a
symptom, that can be cured AND without the
use of prescription medications. I suggest
seeking out information on alternative
medicine/homeopathic cures.

I am also in agreeance with her, noting your
sexual togetherness with your husband. This,
in my own marriage, was something I never
considered. I now have a "present", if you'd
so like to call it, that I will live with the
rest of my life (no cure, but i've learned
how to live with it).

Books mentioned/suggested:
1) "My Husbands affair became the
Best thing that ever happened to me" by Anne
Bercht.
2) "Power of
a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian
3) "The 5 Love Languages"
by Gary Chapman
4) "The Love Dare" by Stephen & Alex Kendrick

I would like to keep you in my prayers, and
if you need someone to talk to, feel free
to msg me.

May God show you that there is hope, though
you may not be able to see it.

---

Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12

Thank you both, Renae and Gloryb for your advice and prayers. I take all of in for use. I'm praying to be cured of depression.  I'm sure it puts an added damper on our life.  My husband should be examined for depression as well.   To answer some of your questions abt our church life, we are born again believers and do attend church on occasion. My husband will be working on Sundays til Christmas so our children and I will have a Bible study.  I'm also praying for time to be able attend bible study and a conference like A Weekend to Remember. God bless FamilyLife.com for their resources.

Glory b, that was an excellent post.

Hi Jarandle! I'm glad you're still here and familiar with the great resources through FamilyLife. 

I'm glad too that you are both believers. Jesus is definitely the way, truth, and life for you and your situation.

During difficult times, journaling and prayer is a good way to process through grief (including anger), as well as feelings of betrayal, shame, guilt, etc. As you cast your cares on the Lord, His Spirit will comfort and teach you truth that will heal and transform your life.

I agree with Gloryb, if you can financially afford alternative healthcare, that is the best way to cure depression.  I have years of experience with my chronically ill daughter and more, and the testing and remedies work.

Love to you, my sister,
~Renae

Thanks to all of the replies. I am seeking counseling for the issues in our lives. I have been reading books abt cultivating Godly relationships and Agape love. i've stopped lashing out emotionally and and started praying throughout the day. We are able to talk more effectively. I should tell you that When I left my husband three years ago my intention was to see if he would change his ways; emotionally abusive and having affairs as well as not meeting my needs to go on dates. Well that backfired. He said since I didn't come back he needed to have his sexual needs met. Now he does claim to be a Christian. However he continues seeking other women and smokes pot to handle pressures. He says he doesn't trust me because I left abruptly and feels I could do it again. I assured him that I wouldn't leave and that I'd work through our problems, whatever they are, instead of running

I also miscarried our last child. The experience was very painful physically and emotionally. My husband did not even hug me or console me. That was the hardest. I think that us marrying was a mistake and that everyone who was against us was right. But I wanted us to be a family.He doesn't know how to be a family he admits.When he was 6 his mother kicked him out of the house.He remembers seeing his mother with multiple men. He was physically abused. His father was away alot. He went into foster care til he was 16. He had no relationship with his dad or any other positive males. so I can understand his disconnect. But God has something better for him. An abundant life! Does he want it? Does he think he deserves it? I don't know. i'm praying without ceasing.

Jarandle, I send my heart-felt sympathy to you related to your miscarriage. I lost my one-month-old baby son due to a heart defect. My husband (abusive) was caught up in his own grief. I depended fully on the Lord day by day. 

One of the most positive things you said in your first post is that you and your husband both know counseling is needed, soon. Keep faith!  I'm glad to hear you're getting counsel and praying! 

You assured him, but he needs to give you some assurances too. Need to be submitted and accountable to each other.

For your husband:  (I got some of this from the man in my life to share with yours!)  Is there a Christian men's group in your area, maybe at a large church, a group that is compassionate, grace-based to restore the weaker brother in a spirit of love, guys that all have struggles but appreciate someone speaking truth and encouragement into their life.

Men who come from an unstable past can grow as a Christian, husband, father, and friend as they are in these groups. It would be empowering to him in a way he didn't get from his father. He needs Godly men to be accountable to and the safety to admit where he's at and get the support to grow.  We all have to be submitted to someone like this. It's like reparenting himself. He can't make excuses but will be trained to be responsible and he will get the tools to rebuild himself, your marriage and family life. He will realize what choices he has and the decisions that must be made, plus get the support to stick with his commitments. Affairs don't solve marital problems and cause more problems for everyone involved.

It would be helpful for him to find a Celebrate Recovery group to get free of any addictions too. That is a great group that has supported many people to move from their past into a new future. This program has even been taken into prisons!  He will learn a better way to handle his emotions and stress.

A man needs to learn to take instruction. He will be broken until he cries out to God, repents, and takes God's correction and grace. He must know that he needs to change and want to change and know that God wants the best for him! Yes he does deserve the best. He will find his worth in God. There's something at stake with his behavior, a problem that costs him something, so find help to adjust behavior, get accountability, because if he doesn't get it, he will lose out on a great future and lose what is precious (his relationship with God, self-respect, his marriage & family, etc.) and not receive what's best of life.  Most men do not want many relationships that are empty and not real, so he's got to find God's design for your marriage.  What's at stake is not only marriage and family, but growing into being a mature man. Sooner or later your husband must become a mature man and all he can be. He will not be satisfied with less. The ultimate responsiblity and joy is to become leaders and be able to feed truth into others. When he finds that his obstacles can be overcome, he can use that to help others. It's about our ability to affect the world around us. If we lack integrity and maturity, how can we step up to the positions God called us to.  Men need to grow into leadership and servanthood. They need God to lead them and pour love through them into their marriages and family.
He needs a true understanding of his gifts and purpose. He can be an overcomer through Christ and the support of "brothers in the Lord."  

If your husband wanted you two back together, and it is right to want his marriage and family restored, then he needs to have a plan to move forward, and you both doing what it takes to make the relationship flourish.

Jarandle, because you are a praying wife who is seeking God, you are the BEST wife for him!!!  Don't let the Enemy get you to focus on the past, regret, and say that you married the wrong person. I think most of us need to go through some kind of brokenness in our lives to become the best we can be. When we are at the bottom, that's when we have no other way but to look up and find that God is the Way to LIFE!!!  God chose you and your husband to grow together into knowing God!!!  He wants you both and your marriage to grow into greatness, your hightest potential that He planted in you!!  Keep that vision in your heart, stir up your faith in Him, and grow!!  Yes, read books that teach you about Agape love and a Godly marriage!  Plus find the other resources we've already mentioned in this thread and go to the Family Life events too. Feed as much truth and Godliness into your lives as possible and see what God will do to restore and bless you and your marriage!!!  Where much is forgiven, much love can grow. God has victory for you two-- go for it!!!  He is your strength to overcome!

Love and prayers,
~Renae

Yesterday he told me that it was his first day back from backsliding. He got a wakeup call when his job was at stake.The boss is getting very strict about arrival time. He was using pot to self medicate himself and thought if he was going to lose his job he needed to get clean. I am praying that my husband will really see the dangers of using pot and give it up.Hopefully one day he'll be receptive to going to "A weekend to Remember" conference.

Jarandle,

Good to hear that he's committing himself to move forward!  See, it is when guys start feeling the threat of losing important things, they start to see the need to make changes!

I have been learning much about healthcare, especially alternative. One reason many people "medicate", as in try to feel better, by using drugs, alcohol, caffeine, overeating, even act out with immoral behaviors, etc...is because something is deficient in the body and they don't know what it is and aren't seeking to find out.  Men especially tend not to get healthcare, so wives need to encourage them in that direction when we see bad habits forming. For example, many alcoholics really have adrenal gland fatigue. If your husband's stress response is out of whack, this could be his problem. That needs to be treated (www.adrenalfatigue.com).  Medical tests aren't always sensitive enough to pick up on the deficiencies.  I think many Christians don't know about this and accuse one another of having spiritual problems when there is first a physical issue to be addressed that ends up causing spiritual, emotional, mental, relational, etc. problems!  Once the nutritional deficiency/health is taken care of, the person has much better self-control. Make sense?

Good that you have FAITH for the day you and your husband will attend the FL conference!!!   In the meantime, you might want to use The Power Of A Praying Wife book (by Stormie Omartian) to help focus your prayers for your husband! <smile>

Looking forward to miracles and a better life unfolding for your family!!
Love & prayers,
Renae

Hey Renae,

I appologise if I seem selfish in periodically updating my issues. My husband as well as myself are focasing on God's purposes for our lives in having devotionals appart and watching Daystar. I am thrilled about this! A week ago he wouldn't even pray at the dinner table. He's been coming home earlier from work and has been casually communicating. He also has been more affectionate to me which I crave. However I upset him today because He said he was getting out of work early and planned to help me make dinner. I was looking forward to that. Soon after he decided to do some extra work for a store that he doesn't work for( he's a independent contractor)as a favor. Now he will not get paid for this and I confronted him about it saying I felt hurt that he'd rather spend his free time working then with me. He said that I was nagging him. I felt justified because this has been an issue throughout our marriage. Him being away from us and not doing family activities outside the home. My hubby and I haven't been on a real date in 15 years. Believe me, Im not kidding! His excuse is that he doesn't know how to be a husband and father. None of us were given a handbook either, but we try.

Jarandle,
I know how it is not having had dates or a vacation in many years and little or no affection and communication.  I had that too. The past cannot be changed so we have to leave it behind.  Many men in the early years of marriage are so busy trying to get established and grow in their careers to have self-respect and provide for the family they love.  Wives often feel neglected during that process, but hopefully we can come to appreciate what good they have done for us and respect and be proud of what they have achieved and become.

Focus on today and the future that can be full of better things!!   Find what you both enjoy, agree to do it, put it on the calendar, and follow through!  This is the time to build some good memories for the two of you and the family! 

I want to emphasize here too that you are "the blessed one" whose marriage is starting to change for the better!  Celebrate that in your heart!!  Let your husband see your joy. A marriage going through restoration is a true gift from God!  Every positive step forward now is reason to rejoice and thank Him as well as being grateful to your husband for partnering with you in this effort!

I think your husband's generosity, wanting to help others, is a very special trait in a man, as compared to the selfishness and self-absorbed nature some guys have. He loves to serve, give of his giftedness, and make people happy. That is a mature attitude. Yes it can be done too much to where your marriage and family is totally neglected, but there can be a proper balance if you two plan to make that balance happen.  Spouses must let each other have some personal hobby or else resentment will grow and you don't want that!  But also, Dr. Harley says a spouse should have the enthusiastic agreement of the other spouse for what they do, so that means you both must express your wishes and negotiate, compromise, and come to agreement about how time is spent and shared.  But your expectations can't be unreasonable to want all his free time.  I would add, that if you can join him in helping others, that would be a joyful thing. Marriage is certainly about what you two enjoy as a couple and family, but it also becomes a bond that God uses to minister to and bless others.

Speaking of traits, be sure to express respect and appreciation to your husband for his good traits and the good things he does. A man needs that kind of positive motivation from his wife. Then he is more likely to want to build on that!  I would avoid expecting too much too soon. Show your happiness for what he is doing well now!!  Avoid voicing complaints that could cause him to withdraw and give up, feeling like he never measures up.  A man does not respond well to what he perceives as neediness, nagging, or complaints. You have the creativity that can combine with his to shape a fun and happy life together. He will want to join you in that!  What does he love about you that he wanted to marry?-- let that shine through!

Can you do the devotionals together as well as watching Daystar? That builds spiritual agreement and oneness in your marriage, which is a strong foundation that is needed!

Sister, your updates are welcomed here! It helps us to know specifically how to pray for your situation, and of course we rejoice in answered prayers!  I praise God for the progress you and your husband are making!!!   I'm soooo happy for you both!!  Keep your relationship as positive as you can!!

God bless you and family!

In Christ's love,
~Renae

Just want to add that this forum is for your encouragement as well as for you to be a blessing to others!  You are welcome here! <smile>

Thank you Renae!

 I have been reading the FLToday articles on marriage because I can't afford any of the books suggested. Let me tell you the bits that i've read are paying off! Praise even for the little things goes a long way in a man's life. I've been praising him daily and my H's mood has lifted! I've also been hugging him more as opposed to waiting for him to hug me and he softens up nicely!I encourage everyone to read the fltoday articles if you don't already. God bless!