c816:Four years ago I married my husband and as I walked down the aisle I had doubts. Part of me wanted to run the other direction, part wanted to keep o going, another thought 'hey there is always divorce.' In the first couple weeks of our marriage I was unfaithful, and a couple months later I found out I was pregant. I can not be 100% sure that my daughter is my husband's and this doubt has haunted me since I looked down at my pregancy test. I kept this silent. During my pregnancy and almost the fist year of my daughters life I was angry. I was mad that he was not as doughting as I wanted, or transitioned to fatherhood as I thought he should have. I was mad that I did walk down the aisle, and I was mad at what I had done.
I began to find false happiness by joining chat rooms, particularly those of unhappy married people. I felt connected and understood. Flirtation began with online "friends" and email / txt corresondance began. Although I was not physically unfaithful, this time I was emotionally. My husband on a couple of occasions found my emails/txt. Sometimes he would keep quiet others he would confront me. I usually wiggled my way out. A year ago my marraige almost ended and he almost walked out. We decided to work it out and we have done strides.
I am afraid of him, not because he is violent or abusive (he is not) but because he bottles things up and I fear one day he will explode. My biggest fear is that he would fight and win custody of our daughter. This comes from last year when he dicovered my emotional infidelity he left with our daughter and threatend not to come back. He did not go and did return but I have been truamitzed and wake up in the middle of the night fearing that he has left w/ her.
I want to stop you right here.
Are you insanely selfish? All you've written here is it's all about you. Very little about the hurt you may have inflicted upon your husband and your daughter.
Your concern is mostly about the pain you are going through and the potential pain you might have to suffer if your innocent husband gains custody of your child.
From where I'm sitting, him having custody of his daughter, if it is his daughter may be the best thing for her in the future. If the alternative is to be faced with a mother so self-absorbed that she is unable to look at the pain she inflicts upon others.
So why not look outward, instead of looking at all the pain you personally might be experiencing?
c816:
As I said earlier i have paternal doubt and I finally had enough, i dont know what to call it, to purchase a DNA kit. When it arrived I chickened out and hid it. This weekend he found it and as you can imagine his disappointment, hurt, pain etc. He asked what happend but all I could do was sob, I could not even abmitt clearly what had happend. I would begin stop, skip a couple words stop. Hoping he understood with out me actually having to say it aloud. He walked out to let out steam I presume and returned late that night to sleep on the couch. And again last night. We have not spoken, just a couple nessecities. I still dont know if he will stay, will he forgive me, yet again...
I am no closer to knowing for sure any of the questions I have and ask for prayer.
Sure, I will pray that you have the strength to see how selfish you are being right now, and the will to overcome your personal selfishness.
I'm not saying your husband is perfect, or without sin. I really don't know anything about him.
However, you come across in this post and 100% self absorbed. Let's see, you married your husband even when you had doubts. Well we all have doubts, but now you are second guessing yourself. You married with the idea that if you didn't like it, you could just break your vows and divorce him. You had an affair shortly after getting married. You may have had a child as a result of that affair.
Now you are unwilling or unable to be 100% honest with him about what happened.
My prayer is that you will pack your bag, tell him what happened and if he doesn't want you there, that you will leave and let him raise his daughter. If he chooses to have you in his life after you are 100% open, transparent and repentant, then that will be great.
However, there is NO WAY to build a solid marriage on lies, half-truths and things that are kept from your spouse.
You have to be 100% open and honest and accept responsibility for your actions for this marriage to have a chance. That means being adult enough to tell your husband everything, without shifting the blame to him or anything other than your own choices.
He should not have to suffer losing his child simply because you are so selfish that you would betray him and then take his child.
It is illogical to argue logic with someone unwilling to examine more than his/her feelings on a matter.
