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My daughter (our only child as of now) just turned 2 and we've been having a terrible time with her throwing temper tantrums. They are always in response to something that she doesn't want to do (hold hands to walk across the street, ride in the shopping cart, brush her teeth, etc.). Once the tantrum starts, she becomes inconsolable within seconds and usually ends up screaming at the top of her lungs and lying on the floor (or stretched out like a plank if she's in a stroller or cart) while hitting and kicking anything within reach. I've tried everything I can think of (distraction, talking softly, talking firmly/loudly, ignoring it, etc.) to both prevent the tantrum and calm her down once it starts, but so far nothing has worked.

I'd love to hear any suggestions that other parents have to offer, both for tantrums in public and in the privacy of your home. I dread taking my daugther out in public right now for fear of how she'll end up acting. :(

Thank you!

 

I saw Dr. Kevin Leman being interviewed. He has a book called "Have a New Kid by Friday".

Everything I saw in the interview sounded good.

Blessings

 

 

 

You can't actually stop a tantrum.  If that is what she chooses to do, that's what she's going to do.

Given that you can't stop it, then....

At home, tell her calmly that you understand she is upset, but what she's doing isn't all right, and if she is going to throw a fit she needs to be in her room.  Then put her there.  If necessary, tell her again put her there again.  Don't respond to ANYTHING she says if she's screaming.  Don't answer her questions, nothing.  Don't say anything except "mommy can't hear you when you talk to me like that".

In public - I know it can be hard for a parent to admit - but I think the real problem with a tantrum (or at least, a large part of it) is that WE, the parent, are embarrassed by it.  It draws unwanted attention.  I know what *I* think when I see/hear someone else's kid throwing a fit, and I don't want people to think that about me or my child. You can perhaps find some reassurance knowing that any parent witnessing the fit understands completely and isn't judging you.  At most, they are quietly praying "Thank you God that it isn't *my* kid this time."

Again, you tell her that what she's doing isn't all right.  Don't respond to questions with anything other than that you can't hear her when she screams at you.  Of, if you prefer, that you aren't going to talk to her when she talks to you like that.  Whatever you're comfortable with.  The point is that she should get absolutely NO reaction or satisfaction or demands met when she's screaming.

We read a book once that suggested - to help deal with the parent's embarrassment - that you have a sign that says "Temper Tantrum in Progress" and you take it out in the grocery store or wherever you are.

This might not sound loving - but it really is a matter of will.  You need to remain calm, not give in, don't allow her to "get" *anything* she demands while throwing a fit or screaming.

Whenever possible, do NOT let her tantrum change your plans.  Go ahead and shop or run your errands.  Don't give her that power.  Of course, if it's something like church or a small waiting room or whatever, then you need to be considerate of other people.

You said you've tried lots of things, and no doubt you'll get different types of advice here.  Regardless of what you try, i think the keys are to remain calm, don't let her get you aggitated, keep normal tones, make it perfectly clear that her tantrum will NOT get her anything - it serves NO purpose whatsoever.

It is a matter of wills.  And a two year old can be an incredibly stubborn nut to crack!

Did you know that there are a LOT of simularities between a child in the 2-3 year old range, and kids in the 12-15/16 year range?  In terms of the extent and complexity of the transitions they are going through, and them having to learn to deal with changes, and how they can respond (like, tantrums), the two phases of life are very similar.

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Love God; Love people.

Seek first to understand before you seek to be understood.

Step 1: Toast the Poptart.

Holten:

Did you know that there are a LOT of simularities between a child in the 2-3 year old range, and kids in the 12-15/16 year range?  In terms of the extent and complexity of the transitions they are going through, and them having to learn to deal with changes, and how they can respond (like, tantrums), the two phases of life are very similar.

Having one child in each of those age ranges at the same time, I agree completely. The difference is though that usually the teen's tantrums can have far more devistating consequenses on their life.

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Chaz345

Holten makes some interesting comments. But Temper tantrums are very simple - they are a test. Your child is testing his/her boundries to see what can I get away with and what do I have to do to get what I want.

I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old (both boys). We worked through the temper tantrums stage with our 4 yr old and he no longer does them at all. He has learned that they do not work. And we are now working through it the same way with our 18 month old.

I think about 15 month (sometimes earlier) is a very normal developmental time for a child to test the waters with a temper tantrum when he doesn't like your answer to his request. The key is how will you respond and what does that teach him.

What we do when they fall on the floor and start the fit is to gently pick them up to a standing position while saying "We don't throw temper tantrums in our family." Say it calmly, matter of factly - it's not up for discussion. If at home, I might have to say that a couple of times while moving the child to a different toy or area to interest them in something else to do. Depending on what the tantrum is over, I might have to remove the item from sight or remove the child from the area to be able to direct them to an appropriate and approved activity. While doing this, if he is still crying or fussing I continue to say. No or Calm down, we don't throw tantrums in our family.

Remember, to a young child their world is only what exists in front of them. If they do not see a toy/item, they very soon forget about it. If you leave the source of the tantrum in their sight, the tantrum will continue because they still want it.

It won't go perfect the first few times, but if you stay consistent and firm that this is the way it is, everytime then they soon learn that the tantrum is pointless and if they do it, it is for a shorter time until they no longer try it at all.

In public - a store or recently the local pumpkin patch - I continue to say no, we do not throw temper tantrums in our family. If it does not stop then I say. If you continue to act like this we will go to the car. Do you want to go to the car? (most often they will say no) Then I say okay, you have to calm down or we will leave.
Stay calm and firm - you are the parent, you are in charge. If the child does not calm down, we leave. That might mean we don't buy groceries that day, but I make it very clear that tantrums are not acceptable behavior and we will not do them in public or at home.

If you find the public tantrums are because they want you to buy something for them and you won't, set the ground rules before ever leaving the car. Let them know what is expected. Park, stop the car and say "okay, we're going grocery shopping. You can look at the toys but we will not be buying any toys today. Do you understand?" Wait for the yes before you go to the store. Then have a fun shoping trip - take the time to show them the veggies, touch the fruits and look at the toys but remind them of the agreement in the car.

It takes time, but my 4 year old is proof to me that it works.