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I have been married for 10 years, and my husband has never been sexually interested in me.  I am not significantly overweight, and actually was quite thin when we first married.  But, he never does the things most women say drive them nuts... he never comes up behind me and grabs me while I'm trying to cook; he never tries to steal a kiss; he never initiates sex ... it makes me feel as though he does not want me.  But, he says this is not the case.  I also know that he is NOT involved with another woman.  After 10 years, I would have found out.  While most women would complain because their husband seems to only want them for their body, I would be grateful if he would want me for my body right now... I've never experienced that before!

While recently at a conference, I asked about Christian materials on intimacy with a husband who never initiates, and was told that there really isn't anything out there right now.  However, I was also told that this is becoming a seemingly increasing problem.    Additionally, I recently heard on a Christian radio program that approximately 20 percent of women have a higher sex drive than their husbands.  So, I was wondering if there are other women out there in a situation similar to mine.  If so, can you tell me how you deal with it?  I struggle with feeling very hurt and neglected (and undesirable or ugly).  What comforts have you found with this?  Has anyone found any scripture references that have been especially comforting?  What are they?  Thank you!

atgatg,
Welcome to the forum.  Someone here recently expressed dealing with the same issue.

First of all, it is very important that you recognize where your worth really comes from--  the answer is your first Husband--God.  He created you in His image, in His likeness, just exactly the way He wanted you to look and be!  So you are beautiful!!  He breathed into you the breath of LIFE and gave you a personality and abilities that noone else can duplicate. There are so many people in the world now, but God wanted you to relate with in a way He can't relate to anyone else. You are truly special!!!   Yes it is nice to have a husband who thinks we're stunningly gorgeous and treats us like a queen, but that is not a consistent reality for us.

With that said, I do know that most women need to be held.  Does he hold you?  Have you told him how wonderful and loved it would make you feel to be in his embrace?  Men can't know what we need unless we tell them, not in a complaining, nagging way, but say it in a way that you can both feel loved and respected. 

Was your husband raised in a home where they hugged one another and his parents were affectionate with each other?  Was he ever abused, neglected, abandoned?

It's possible that he has low hormone levels.  This can be tested and fixed with natural supplements. Many people today are suffering with less than optimal hormone levels, both men and women. Some of the foods we eat and products on the market are causing hormone imbalance!  It is a serious problem an very important to learn about this and take action to protect our health!  With age, we also experience some decline in levels, but we should be doing what's necessary to maintain the right balance.

Both partners should care to fix whatever is hindering them from experiencing the fullness of marriage that God designed it to be. If we aren't growing in all areas, the Enemy can tempt us into despair and unfaithfulness.  Are you two doing Bible devotions and prayer together? That creates spiritual intimacy that can enhance your sexual relationship too. Is there any root of bitterness that is blocking you and your husband from emotional closeness? Are you his recreational companion too?  Is he depressed about his job or is there another reason for his lack of interest?  Is he communicating with you well otherwise?

The way to get free of problems is to seek for truth that can be applied to your life. Is your husband willing to read or attend a Christian seminar or conference?  Of course Family Life has great events.  I like Dr. Emerson Eggerich's Love and Respect seminar.  Also Jimmy and Karen Evan's have a great ministry to strengthen marriages; you and your husband could watch their weekly TV/online show and get their resources like Marriage on the Rock, Return to Intimacy, etc.

I believe you can find the exact thing that hindering your sexual intimacy! Do not give up hope!  If the two of you can't seem to communicate to resolve this, then please get professional counseling.

((hugs)) to you, sister,
~Renae

Thank you, Renae for your input.  I have actually tried many of the things you suggested.  Some of them are helpful, but probably the most helpful has been learning to accept that he will not be the initiator in our marriage.  This has been quite a process! 

I was really looking to see what other women have struggled with and whether or not this is a problem that women would be interested in gaining more insight about.  You helped me with that by suggesting a recent post.  I looked for it and found it.  Thank you!  My heart is in ministering to women with this similar problem, and I would like to know what helps and what does not... I only know what has helped in my own situation so far.  You seem to be an encouragement to many women on this site, and that is quite a blessing!  Thank you for allowing God to use you!

You're welcome. <smile>

I know that in marriage, there is often one partner who has a stronger sex drive and more affectionate than the other. I think this is by design, because it requires both of us to grow. We learn to self-sacrifice and love the way our partner needs it. The process shapes us to be Christlike, though it may not feel great in the short-term.  I have often admitted, that I learned more from a bad marriage than I could have in a good one. That is a hard thing to say considering the extent of abuse & neglect I experienced over 17 years, but it is true nonetheless, thank God. 

Is the spouse willing to receive when a the other initiates?  If a spouse can't receive, why are they unresponsive, stuck, etc.?  Has the person been abused in the past?  Is he/she carrying guilt or false beliefs about intimacy? 

I hope others will add some valuable insights to this thread.

God bless you, atgatg and your marriage!

You are not alone but I was starting to feel like I was until I read your message.  I have been dealing with a similar issue in my marriage of only 4 months.  My husband and I only had sex a few times before we decided to abstain and wait until our wedding night.  At the time we weren't even engaged but felt it was the right thing to do as christians.  We got engaged and married about a year later and it was the longest 12 months of my life.  I had a really difficult time not being able to express myself in a sexual way but he somehow didn't have any issues at all.  I was very surprised considering most men can't go without a sex for 2 days but it was smooth sailing for him.  I asked during the months of our engagement if he was truly sexually attracted to me and he said yes without a doubt.  He said he couldn't wait to be my husband and was looking forward to an active sex life.  He was very aware of my high sex drive and my desire to have a marriage full of passion.   It's been 4 months since our wedding and I feel we are anything but "newlyweds" when it comes to our sex life.  My husband and I are great friends and I understand that is the best foundation for a good marriage but I don't want to be in a passionless marriage.  We are both in our late 30's and have a number of activities we do as a couple so we are connecting in many other ways.  We are active in our church and both came from families who showed love.  My husband often gives hugs and kisses but that's as steamy as it gets.  I have spoken to him about my wants and concerns but I feel I am getting nowhere.  It seems now when we do have sex he is just doing it to make me happy.  I don't feel any real connection.  I love my husband and I want to make it work but what I want more than anything is to understand where he's coming from.  It's not like I feel we should have sex 24/7 but I would like to feel wanted and desired by my husband.  I will continue to pray for guidance and understanding in this situation.  Thanks for sharing your story. 

Hearing your story makes me want to sit down and chat with you!  I do want to encourage you... the fact that your husband gives hugs and kisses is a definite plus!  I have had to train mine to do this, but I usually initiate it still.  I'm not sure he ever hugs.  Hmmm...

I also want to encourage you that at four months, you are just at the starting point.  Marriage takes more work than most people realize, and I have hope that our husbands can grow and change.  However, I have also learned to recognize that (after 10 years) it is not happening now (when I want it to).  Here are a couple of things that I have learned over the years that have helped me...

1) Realize the other things he does to demonstrate his love for you, and recognize those as demonstrating love.  If he's like my husband, he was appalled when, after taking out garbage and doing other household tasks, I told him I didn't feel like he was demonstrating love to me.  Have you ever read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Smalley?  I would recommend it.

2) You may have to be the sexual initiator in the marriage.  This took me a LONG time to accept.  I still don't really like it.  But, I do it... and it really helps both of us.  It has taken an even longer time to learn not to hold this against him.  In some ways, I am realizing that this is very much like having a disability.  This is how I explained it in an email to someone else earlier just today... My husband has a paralyzed right arm.  This happened due to a car accident when he was in his freshman year of college.  Nevertheless, he has learned to compensate for the paralysis and has chosen ranching as his lifelong aim and desire.  He can throw down a 200 pound calf better than most men I know who have two fully-functioning arms.  Did he choose this disability?  Not at all!  Would he change it if he could?  Absolutely!  Does he have a choice to leave that arm and get another?  No way!  When we married, we became “one flesh” …disabilities and all!  I don’t mean physical…  I mean, our marriage has a disability.  Somehow, although I’m beginning to recognize that I will never understand it, my husband is as incapable of initiating intimacy with me as he is incapable of lifting his right arm.  Does he love me?  I’m convinced he does because of other things that he does for me.  Why can’t he LEARN to initiate intimacy?  This is the question that I cannot seem to answer… and maybe he eventually will.  In the meantime, however, he is the husband God gave me and, just as he learned to compensate for his paralyzed arm, I need to learn to compensate for his inability to initiate intimacy.  There may be different issues that different women (and men) have to accept, but I am realizing that sometimes “fixing” the problem is either not an option or may take longer than one or the other spouse can reasonably wait on.  That doesn’t mean we should leave!  I have a disabled marriage.  Now I need to learn how to compensate for that disability so that we can flourish and grow in love just as any couple with normal functioning does.

Unfortunately, that may not be real encouraging right now for you.  And, at only four months into the marriage, I'm not sure I was ready to accept that.  I will pray for you, because I know this is not an easy time.  Be assured, though... just because he does not initiate sexually does not mean that he is not attracted to you!  And certainly does not mean he does not love you!  I don't understand that, but I'm learning to know it in my heart.  Again, I wish we could sit down over a cup of coffee and just talk.  I will be praying for you!

Thank you for your encouraging words and feedback.  It is greatly appreciated to hear your point of view and in such excellent terms.  My husband and I both took a class on the 5 love languages before we were married and it was a great help in determining each others needs in showing love.  I know it's very early in our marriage and this is just the first of many challenges that we may face in the years to come.  I am going to make every effort to adjust my thought process and try to see things from the perspective you mentioned above. I understand marriage is a work in progress and with God I know we can overcome any trials. Thanks again for writing me back.  It has felt so good to get this in writing and off my chest!!  BTW....I am always up for a coffee :) 

DEAR  ATGATG,

i just want to say that im soooo sorry. i am  TOTALLY in the  same shoes as you. WOW!!!!!!!!!!  i thought i  was in the same shoes as you. in fack i AM. my franklin doesn'T EVEN  at all approaches me ever!!!!!, even when i do approach him.. i feel he doesn't care because of his past.(up bringing,)

In a way I am in the same situation as you - my hubby and I have a very active sex life and he is definitely interested in me, but he doesn't initiate very often and he isn't affectionate outside of the bedroom. We've also been married 10 years and I've had to learn to accept my role in the marriage. I know that if I initiate, Hubby will gladly participate and our marriage is better when we stay active. We communicate better, we get along better, our home is happier if we're connecting often on a sexual level.

At the same time I hurt often because Hubby doesn't reach out to me affectionately outside of that. Hugs? Kisses? Holding Hands? Doesn't happen. I talk, I ask, he tries and it just doesn't happen - but he does come from a very reserved family who isn't openly affectionate and we live close to them instead of to my overly affectionate family. I keep praying, keep talking, try not to nag and try to find solace in the knowledge that God knows and maybe someday Hubby will learn to give me those things I long for. In the meantime - I always feel cherished during our intimate times so if I make sure that happens often I feel better and Hubby feels better too.

Wow.  I'm wondering whether I wrote your opening post myself.

I have also been married almost 10 years and our sex life has been a battlefield for most of that time. 

That said, prior to marriage, my h was enthusiastic, so it was an actual "loss" of something rather than "never there." 

I have also had the same frustration on the lack of information and help out there.  There are so many marriage articles and books where the wife is encouraged to fuflill her husband's needs, and yet so very, very few that are addressed the other way around.

Over the years, I have tried every approach with my h, but it was difficult to talk to him about it for a long time.  About 3 years ago I did discover that my h had a problem with porn, and that this problem dated back to when he was 15 years old (he was then 37.)  With God's help, he did find healing from that addiction, but our sex life was not renewed as I had hoped it would be.  So porn was not the baseline.  I have my own thoughts and ideas about what gets in the way of our intimacy, but I think it something very specific to my husband so I won't waste my time detailing it here.

I have more or less come to terms with the lack of intimacy.  As it happens, this came about more through the changes I have faced as I went into early menopause over the last few years.  At last, my sex drive has decreased, and so a lot of the time, I don't hanker after sex as much as I did.  There are other physical changes that make sex more uncomfortable so, oh well, it's just not THAT important any more.

In general, my husband is a good husband.  He's a good dad too.  I love him dearly and would not want to divorce or be separated from him, even though sometimes it crossed my mind in the early days!  (Being totally honest here.)

My h and I are currently studying Gary Smalley's other book - The Four Seasons of Marriage - at our church as part of an adult group, and it is pretty good.  The best part is that there is a section at the book for the couple to work on some questions together.  We didn't do it last week, but last night my h suggested we go to the local Jim's and work on it, and we did, just over a coffee, and it was very, very nice.  Some of the exercises about writing about the good things about your spouse are very illuminating and definitely encouraged us both when we read them out to each other.  I was thinking "I have taught him about compassion?"  And when I said he was generous, he was taken aback too.  These are just two examples.  We felt so much more unified after that 20 or so minutes spent together saying and thinking good things about each other.  :)

So, I look for the good in my h, and try not to focus on the past, and on the not so great ...

Atg, I first would recomend the Book " The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is a wonderful book explaining all different ways we need our Love Tank filled and how Empty most of ours are, but in very different ways. Another book is "Intimacy Ignited" by Joseph and Linda Dillow and Peter and Lorraine Pintus. One More is "Sexual Intimacy in Marriage" by Dr. William Cutrer and Sandra Glahn. I would also recommend going to the " Weekend to Remeber" it was the best way to get started and they cover all kinds of topics that could get in the way of Intimacay!!! Hope this helps, I really will pray for you and your husband!!!!