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I have a daughter who will be 18 in a couple months, and we are having some issues with her. She was dating this guy and from what we found out about him, he was into drugs, dropped out of school and got his g.e.d in and out of jobs, etc.. then she found out he cheated on her, and she broke it off. Her dad and I told her she wasn`t to see him, or talk to him on the phone, computer, etc. She stayed away from him, and then recently we find out she was talking with him again. She is going by her FEELINGS ONLY... we told her he is no good for her, and is bad news! And what in bloomin world does she see in someone like him.
We have talked to her, warned her about him, name it. We grounded her. To try and make a long story short, (I know I`m skipping some stuff) she stayed home from school today, not feeling good. She wasnt feeling good yesterday either, and something was bugging me about her being home while everyone was at work. So I popped in by surprise this afternoon on my break, and she had all the doors locked, shutters closed, and when I got in, I saw the back sliding door open, and that is what was SO obvious. Had the back door not have been open, I would have given the benefit of the doubt. She acted panicky, then defensive. When I confronted her about the back door being open, she acted like someone may have gotten in, and that the dogs were barking earlier. I told her I wasn`t born yesterday, and that she needed to be straight with me. That was the stupidest thing I`ve ever heard. I guess my ultimate question is, where do you draw the line with someone who will be 18 soon? My husband said if she isn`t going to follow the rules, then she can get out. Do you agree with him, or do you think he is being too harsh? I am just tired, and don`t know what to do. We have prayed about it. Any advice??
I wanted to say that my husband has a good relationship with our daughter regularly. H had a good talk with her this evening. A few of the things he told her was that he would lay down his life and die for her, and how much he loves her. He said his job was to love and protect her, and that is what he does. We have a good relationship with her, take her out to lunch etc.. She is brought up alot better than I or H was, so I know there has to be hope. I just don`t want to see her go down the tubes.
My question still remains, do you think H is being too harsh to tell her to leave if she doesn`t want to follow our rules? Thanks in advance.
formerlyalpha:Hi Cherina, The raising of a child is a process whereby they are readied for independent living. Ideally, the parents gradually release control over their child as he/she goes through the teenage years. If too much independence is given too soon they may not handle it wisely, but if it is delayed too long they fail to learn how to stand on their own feet. And some may rebel if they are kept in a straightjacket.There comes a point when the parent can no longer direct their daughter's life. The training period is over, and they have to learn to fly solo.You don't spell out exactly what is worrying you about your daughter. Is she sleeping with her guy? Is that the behaviour you refuse to allow in your house?FEELINGS are huge in a teenage girls life. So it will be hard for her to discount those. Where does she stand in relation to the christian faith? Is she regular at church, or in the youth section? How much leverage does the christian faith have in her life? Because the way you handle her issues may be determined by the degree of her faith. Are you able to appeal to christian teaching as the basis for her living?Check out these books at a store or online. Could you or your husband give her a suitable book? And would she read something he or you gave her?" Choosing To Wait"; by Laura Gallier." Maybe God Is Right After All"; by Cynthia Heald." Thirsty: Meeting Jesus At Your Deepest Need" by Amy Nappa." Kissed The Girls And Made Them Cry: Why Women Lose When We Give In"; by Lisa Bevere." Nurture: Give And Get What You Need To Flourish"; by Lisa Bevere.
Thanks for your words of wisdom. Raising teens can sure be a challenge. Thank you for the book resources too. I will try and answer your questions the best I can. I still haven`t learned how to dice the quotes on the new format.
I don`t know if she is sleeping with him (I pray she`s not) but what worries me is, he is (she says was) into drugs, he got arrested a few years ago for burglery, he is in and out of jobs due to lack of motivation, etc.. I just feel he is bad news.
As far as her christian faith, she is saved, but I feel have back slidden. We go to church every week. We talk to her about the Lord and her choices. But right now, I think she is so far into her feelings with this guy that everything else is faded. If you don`t mind me asking you, if this was your daughter, would you allow her to see this guy under your roof if you felt he was no good for her? Would you tell her she has to get out if she was going to choose to see him? This is where I`m stuck.
formerlyalpha:You need the wisdom of Solomon!. I know there are parents who would ask their son or daughter to leave if he/she did not kowtow to their rules. The potential downside to you expelling her is that it could drive her into his arms and his bed. At least the risk of that would increase.When my daughter was 17 she had a boyfriend who was not ideal. Because my wife had a closer relationship with her than what I did, she handled that more than I did. Our daughter came through that alright, and their relationship discontinued. But she was not the kind of girl who enjoyed a lot of physical touching, so that was a help in keeping her safe. Some girls are very physical in their dealings with a boyfriend, and that puts them at greater risk of crossing the "line".The difficulty when their emotions are intense is that it skews their ability to move in a different direction. Meaning, that if you take too heavy handed a stance it may backfire and push her into danger.It can be like walking a tightrope. It's important to keep your relationship with her, and your communication lines open. A harsh action could make her deaf to anything you may subsequently say.So it's not easy. I would be loathe to advise you to take either a harsh or a lenient course of action. Every case differs depending on the personality and nature of the girl, and also the level of her relationship with her parents. The better that is, the more a parent can get into her space and give her direction, and the more likely she is to listen.I don't know the history of her relationship with you and your husband. Does she easily confide in you? If a foundation of good parent-daughter interaction has been laid, it will be easier. In the final analysis, you have to do what you can save her life from going down the wrong track, so that may mean some straight talking. While she is still under your roof you have that opportunity, once she has gone, that will diminish, the more so if she leaves in acrimony.P.S. Ideally, that calls for a lot of prayerful dependence on the Lord.
Thats what I`m afraid of, if she were to be kicked out, then she would just go ahead and do whatever. I don`t want that, but I also don`t want her thinking just because she is almost 18 that she can disrespect us, and just do what she wants. etc.. Thats great about your daughter, that gives me hope. My daughter was humble last night when h was talking to her, she was in tears. I talked with her today too, and she seems to be sorry. I told her I hope she didn`t do anything with him, ( like sleeping with him) and she said they just watched a movie.. I hope thats true. As far as I know she is still a virgin. Who knows, I may have come home just in time yesterday! All I know is she won`t stay home from school again, UNLESS she is litterally throwing up, or a fever. We let her stay home because she was feeling pretty lousy on Monday, and Tues.
H and I do have a good relationship with her. She does confide in us, especially during those alone times, bike rides, laying in bed with her, that sort of stuff. We will go out to lunch with her, (separately too, so we have alone time with her) go on bike rides, watch movies, etc.. She is pretty open with us. Infact, when she and "Biff" broke up, she told us everything about him. She really is a great gal, smart, and full of spunk and energy. She is alot of fun to be around.
Thank you very much for your encouragement! I appreciate it. I hope this will help others reading who may be going through a simular situation.
Well, since she is 18, legally she can do what she wants. My uncle had this same problem with his oldest son when he turned 18. His solution? Booted him out. After about 3 weeks of having no place to live (cause all those friends that he thought were so great did not want him to stay with him) he came back with a different attitude.
Girls seem to have a bad habit of being crazy about the "bad boy" type; why, I don't know. I have never seen a boy with a "bad girl". My niece went thru a spell like like this to a point to where she got into drugs as well and both wound up going to court. Hopefully, it won't come to that here.
I think, as already posted, probably trying and giving her some reading material is a good idea. If she refuses, tell her to leave. She is 18 after all, so if she wants to act crazy, tell her she'll have to do so somewhere else.
formerlyalpha:The "wisdom of Solomon" has become a cliche, just as the "patience of Job " has. Solomon was given special wisdom by God to settle very difficult situations where normal human wisdom would have come up short. ( 1Kings 3:7-28.)So when I used that term I was indicating that the answer to your situation was beyond me, hence my reticence to be too directive in my post.The fact that you do have such a good relationship with her is great. (But respect is a two way street, meaning you also have to respect her.) That is the challenge of progressively letting go of control over her life. Hopefully, she has taken on board the things she has learned along the way.Seeing as you have such a close relationship, it would seem that giving a suitable book would not be out of order. It looks like she would be open to that. You would need to select it carefully to make sure it was appropriate, addressed her current need for guidance, and was written in a style that would appeal to her. It's like you still have a window of opportunity.
c pruitt: Well, since she is 18, legally she can do what she wants. My uncle had this same problem with his oldest son when he turned 18. His solution? Booted him out. After about 3 weeks of having no place to live (cause all those friends that he thought were so great did not want him to stay with him) he came back with a different attitude. Girls seem to have a bad habit of being crazy about the "bad boy" type; why, I don't know. I have never seen a boy with a "bad girl". My niece went thru a spell like like this to a point to where she got into drugs as well and both wound up going to court. Hopefully, it won't come to that here. I think, as already posted, probably trying and giving her some reading material is a good idea. If she refuses, tell her to leave. She is 18 after all, so if she wants to act crazy, tell her she'll have to do so somewhere else.
