FamilyLife Forums

http://www.davidclarkeseminars.com/articles_view.asp?articleid=3813&columnid=

Has anyone read this article?

I have also read his book. "I don't love you anymore"

I'm throwing it out there because in my experience it seems that tough love would
have been the better way.

Are there any testamonies of husbands getting their wife back by them being extremely nice to their wayward spouse? Just curious.

What a wonderful article.  I just called the 800 number and got the info for a therapist in this area... Thank you!!!

Your welcome.

 The book is about confrontation, something I did very little of during the worst times. He encourages anger and confrontation so the wounds won't fester and pop up somewhere else later on. Then he lets the chips fall where they may and in my case I was divorced anyway. It would have been great to say what was on my mind. Who knows if I would have been years ahead of where I am now. At least the blame would have been placed where it should have been.

In the first chapter of the book he says the woman can be the wayward spouse, but to avoid switching back and forth he uses the husband example as the one who is wayward.

I've skimmed through it all. I'm about 1/2 way through reading it.

 

WOW, that is very different from what happened in my counseling.  She was never confronted directly like that with her sin.  She blamed me for her affairs, almost all cheaters blame the other for their sins.  I do think we had very good counselors, yes had several.  She never blamed me in front of them, just in private.

I had started sometime ago reading "winning her back" which states that it is nearly impossible to win her back if she's in love with someone else.  So I stopped trying on the book's and her counselor's advice... I put it in God's hands.  She broke up with the 4th love of her life... so I get hopeful and then get crushed when I talk to her....  she still bitter and resentful. 

This must be done live otherwise they'll read it and forget it.  My ex went through Boundaries which I just started.  She totally did not get it....

My theory is that every hardened hearted wife has someone else in mind, even if it is a "somewhere in the future I am going to find a man better than my husband", which she will also totally deny.

I have been trying to work out things in my own mind, please bear with me.

Tim, you wrote

"Winning her back"

I'm thinking focusing on God is much easier than trying to figure out a woman(i've been looking in on Alpha's post)

Why should any husband try to win back their wife? I've tried. There are all kinds of frustration and failed expectations tied to this. My wife was driven further away and I expended a great deal of energy/stress and wasted time. Doing the "Love Dare" falls under trying to win someone. If you are walking in Christ, you will automatically do the love dare.

When a person gets close to God, they automatically start resembling the Holy Spirit... love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, gentleness, goodness & self control. If my wayward ex wife cannot see the change in me, how in the world am I going to convince her by persuing her?

At the start of my whole marriage mess, a counselor told me that all I could do was to change myself. She was right. If I would have only accepted that back then.

Maybe the answer is to have secret training seminars in the high school youth group where the males, unbeknownst to the females, are taught a few "action and reaction", "do's and don't's" skills.

It sounds like an episode of "According to Jim" or the "Red Green Show".

This post has been deleted.

PhyiG,

I see where you posted, I can't see what  you posted.

I did not mean to offend if I did. Deep down, I know it's as much the men's fault at times. I know I have failed my ex many times.

Yeah I was here 5 years ago for my marriage to be restored and it was or so I thought. My wife never ever admitted what happened in her affairs and I have proof of the contrary of what she said. She constantly lied and never told the truth about any of them for 15 years and I let her crap on me. Even after getting back together 5 years ago we had problems and I could not get close to her because of the lies and it caused more problems. I caught her messing around on the internet last year and 2 months ago with a second cell phone and at least 4 boyfriends and its my fault because I told her to leave.

I hope God has something out there better for me.

joey,

I know when I was standing for my marriage, every so called positive event would get my hopes up only to be dashed again.

I am so sorry, I can't imagine the pain of going through that more than once. You take care of yourself.

hang in there, praying for you. Christ's blessings to you.

 

New International Version:

joey,

I know when I was standing for my marriage, every so called positive event would get my hopes up only to be dashed again.

I am so sorry, I can't imagine the pain of going through that more than once. You take care of yourself.

hang in there, praying for you. Christ's blessings to you.

 

Thanks, even though I dont believe in divorce, theres a freedom in knowing I will have a choice from here on out and that eventually I'll find someone who will truly know what love and commitment is.

This scripture came to my mind while reading this thread (I haven't read the article yet).

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.~James 1:13-15 (NIV)

So much for blaming someone else...

Blessings Brothers!
KW

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In marriage you either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.