FamilyLife Forums

 Looking back over the information you have posted about your wife, there seems to be a definite pattern of progression towards this present moment where she is asking for divorce.

In your very first post almost 6wks ago, she had been indicating that her distance from you was due to her grief for her parents. Then she told you she did not know what she wanted, and that you had hurt her. She then asked you to move out for 2wks. Prior to that you had no idea she was so unhappy in the marriage.
But she was willing to try counseling. She also suggested she needed to talk more to other friends about her life.

This progression towards divorce talk has taken place despite your endeavours to deal with the controlling issues she highlighted, and also your working on yourself. One would have thought, based on what she had said to you back then, that she would now be much happier about the marriage, and especially pleased that you were willing to work on those issues she raised.

However, her present move to quit the marriage seems out of kilter with that earlier stance. Does that mean the things that have happened in these past 6wks have propelled her to divorce? I can't see that in what you have posted about what you have been doing. That leaves other explanations to be more likely.
One that does fit the facts is that she had planned long ago to quit, and what has happened over those 6wks is not that she has encountered sufficient new reasons to divorce, but that she has been drip feeding what she already had planned. That would also explain how she keeps shifting the reasons, first giving you a glimmer of hope by being willing to try counseling, then going back on that, and using a different set of excuses for opting out.
Back then she said she loves you, but 4wks later she rephrased that to say she loves you but is not in love with you.

You say she used to tell you about her day, but it is clear she has been intentionally been hiding things from you. Her earlier comment about needing to talk to friends was misleading because it is now known that she was already talking to that other family about her marriage. You were also kept in the dark about her connection to the other guy.
But as all this has been gradually revealed, she has become more insistent that she wants to separate, and now that has morphed into divorce. It sounds very much like an orchestrated pattern. Note that 6wks ago, according to her,  it was you that had done all the wrong things, and she was the victim of your wrong. Now she openly declares that she has been a b**ch in the marriage. Is that a new self-understanding that she has just arrived at? Not likely! So why did she not admit that b**chyness 6wks ago, when she was highlighting your sins?
 
Because if she had admitted that, it would have put her on a more even footing with you re marriage counseling. But she didn't include her failings, leading you to believe that all the wrong was on your side, and that justified her wanting to separate.

She has now abandoned her over emphasis on your sins. Any old reason will suffice for quitting. The 2wks she wanted you out for have now grown to a year long absence by her as she plans apartment living.

What can you do? A person can't be forced to stay against their will. Marriage is the willing union of a man and a woman. When one spouse decides to renege on that willingness, there's not a lot you can do.
A couple get married because they love each other. They then formalize their union in a marriage ceremony that includes vows. It's clear that the vows etc are included so the marriage can survive those periods when love alone would not hold the couple together. That allows the marriage to get back on an even keel. But if one spouse opts out when the going gets tough, it flies in the face of those vows. But when one partner is prepared to thumb their nose at the vows, and the God who witnessed them, what options are left for the other spouse?

 There is intervention, not by you, but by christian leaders and the people who have been part of her life. That is a biblical method of getting the wayward person back on track. She has already shown signs of distancing herself from all the people who could feasibly be able to do such an intervention.

Whatever reasons she has for opting out, she is in a state of deception. It is chosen deception. It's principle in the bible, that when a person rejects the truth, they lose the ability to know the truth. She is also using deception on you. If you were to challenge her on that count, she would not admit to it. The nature of deception is that the deceived person is unaware of it.

Your options seem limited: Make a direct appeal to her to return to her marriage. Ask others to intervene in her life. Call upon the Lord for help. Gather your friends to pray.

I certainly choose the right screen name when I started this whole ordeal.  I struggle with what to do every day.  I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and can’t get back to sleep.  The conversations I have with her are always a mixture of hope and hopelessness.    

 

It is good that this has been drawn out over several weeks because I am able to not react to some of her statements and actions.  She signed a 1 year lease and is suppose to move in Dec 1^st.  She told me that the manager told her she could cancel anytime before then.  She seemed relieved when the apartment manager told her that.  Then on the other hand she was talking about how life would be living in the apartment and how she sees her life in a year and it never includes reconciliation.  She has talked how she wants us to get along well after the divorce for the kids.  She said I still want to plan their birthday parties together.  She said things about how everything we have has been my dream.  She said it was me who wanted the house with the yard, and this and that.  She said all I ever wanted was to stay married to the same man for the rest of my life.

 

Her sister told me that my wife told her I was confusing her.  My wife told her sister that she was originally set on divorce, but now with all the changes I am making she does not know anymore.  I am so afraid that if she moves out it will be over.  I can’t do all the nice things I am doing now if she is not in the same house with me.  I will do everything I can, but it won’t be the same.  I never thought our relationship would end up like this.      

 

My wife said I could go look at the apartment if I wanted.  I told her no thank you.  It was her decision and I trust her.  I don’t know if I should have gone to look at it or not.    

 

My counselor gave me a list of 25 things to decide and work on during a separation to make it more conducive to reconciliation.  She read it, but when I asked about certain points she got defensive and said I was being controlling.  Some of the things were like agreeing to reevaluate the separation every month, agreeing not to date other people, deciding how frequently you will see each other during the separation.  List your goals for the separation.  I asked her for her thoughts on some of these, and she said I was trying to control the separation.  I don’t know what to do.  It’s like she is going into this blindfolded and has not made any decisions about what she wants out of the separation.  I asked her if she wanted me to contact her during the separation and at first she said I don’t know.  Then she said something about no contact other than kid exchange for a month.  Then later she said something about getting together at least once a week.    The next day she talked like she would still come over to the house to decorate for Christmas and stuff like that.  She even said stuff about me staying in the apartment with her.        

 

The “is it loving” is really helping me to be a better person.  I am also going through personal counseling and realizing how I got to be the way I am.  I have major issues with my father and working on them is painful.  He was a controlling abusive father and husband and while I tried as hard as I could to be different than him I ended up controlling my wife in more passive ways.  I started to listing to an audio program called “Light her Fire” it is really opening my eyes to what a woman needs from a man to feel loved.  I am trying the principals in hopes that she will feel all the love I have for her.  Do you guys have any other recommendations?

You are doing great Confused555! You are doing everything you can. Continue doing everything you can to maintain your sanity as well. Continue praying for strength and guidance, because in times like these only God can help you see clearly.

As far as resources, there's one called For Men Only. I bought it for my husband (who never read it), but I snuck and read a few pages and it was right on. I wish every man would read that book, it tells them a lot about women and how we think and why we do certain things. It's only about 50 pages too.

(Your situation has really troubled me and I finally know why. I thought this is what was supposed to happen in marriages. I thought in a situation like this, when the man or woman has realized their wrong and decided to change and be better, the spouse was supposed to take them back. The spouse was supposed to keep their guard up until they knew for sure their husband/wife was changing. That everything would be fine once all was reveleaed and a pledge was made to never do that again. The only time the spouse would leave for good despite the "bad" spouses efforts was when they had been asking the person to be better for a long time, but that person rejected it. That "bad" person decided not to change and work on their marriage. You only left after you were "fed up" from years of trying. Or if they've found someone else to replace that spouse.)

(But that isn't happening here, she's planning to leave anyway, despite your noticeable attempts to change. Why? Was it THAT bad before that she just doesn't trust you wont go back to being that controlling husband? I'm not expecting a response or anything, I'm just confused. Your life experience has really made me think. Really made me wonder about why people get married and why people stay married or get divorced. This has changed my outlook.)

 

Mzjh20,

I agree completely.  I read all these message boards where one spouse is doing wrong an affair, and addiction, bad treatment, or whatever, and the other spouse calls them out on it.  The wronged spouse is usually trying to convince the other spouse that has done wrong to do the right thing.  I see countless posts where that exact thing is happening.  Usually it only leads to separation when the one doing the wrong fails to change or is blind to the wrong doing. 

I am not trying to say I am a great person, but I have realized the wrongs.  I did almost immediately upon her telling me what I was doing wrong.  I have made changes, and continue to learn more about myself and how to be a better person.  Yet things keep getting worse.  I don't understand at all.  I think it has to have something to do with grief or something other than me.  She says that when she asked me to leave 6 weeks ago she was already done.  She says stuff like she just does not know if she can forgive me.  I don’t know if I should ask her to talk and explain why things have deteriorated in our relationship even through she acknowledges my changes are for the better.

I am curious how and it what way this has affected your outlook on marriages and divorced. 

 

It seems that your wife had decided on divorce long before you had any suspicions about the true state of your marriage, and of your wife's view of the marriage. This is evident in what her sister told you.
"Her sister told me that my wife told her I was confusing her.  My wife told her sister that she was originally set on divorce..."

At what point in time was she originally set on divorce? Was it prior to that event 6wks ago when she indicated her true feelings to you? Or was it months ago, or even years ago? The confusion she feels is probably because you wanted to work at improving the marriage. It may be that your wife thought that once she told you of her desire to quit that you would have accepted the inevitable.

But when you tried to get your marriage back on track, that threw her, resulting in the so called "confusion". Her confused response to you has taken the form of half-heartedly agreeing to counseling etc. The reason your hope of reconciliation through counseling  confused her is that she really wanted divorce, but was afraid to spell it out so bluntly. So she adopted a slow release policy, of gradually letting you know her intent.That would explain why she is becoming more determined as each day passes. She is gradually letting you become accustomed to the idea of permanent separation.

In your last post you said, "She says that when she asked me to leave 6 weeks ago she was already done."

It appears to me, from what I know of wives who want to quit, is that they make their mind up without telling their husband. This has often been a lengthy process stretching back even years. By the time they get to the point of divulging it to their husband, their plans are already carefully laid. At which point they are not in the mood for reconciliation, and resent any attempts by the husband to improve the marriage as being stalling tactics by their husband. They will then react in anger, and respond by fast-tracking their departure.

In referring to the list from your counselor, you say your wife did not agree to it all. You highlight :    "Some of the things were like agreeing to reevaluate the separation every month, agreeing not to date other people, deciding how frequently you will see each other during the separation. "

Are those the things she objected to? If so, does it indicate that she does not want to agree to reevaluating the marriage? And has she already got in mind someone she wants to date?

As for advice? In my last post I gave what options seemed feasible. It would be good if she would agree to be under the counselor's supervision during her time apart. At the moment she seems to have divorce on her mind. To get her to reconsider that is the challenge, because that is what is standing in the way.

Formerly,

She did want to discuss any of the lists from the counselor.  Here lately she has been thinking about the guidelines because she has talked about her opinion of a few of them.  I would like a commitment on all of them before she moves out but don’t know how to ask for that without her accusing me of being controlling.  Telling someone they are controlling really takes away all their power.  If anything I say upsets her she can just say I am being controlling.  Her family is coming down for thanksgiving and I pray that they try some sort of talk.  Although she has taken all their power away by saying they are trying to control her, and they don’t understand the 18 years of pain I have caused her.   

     

Holten,

If you read this can you check your mail. 

 

We had an argument this morning.  I think it was a good thing.  She said she was going to take the kids to a movie this afternoon.  I asked her if she wanted me to go.  Rather than just say no she said something like well I want to take them because you keep taking them without me.  I told her I had only taken the kids to one movie and she argued.  She said I had taken them to “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs”.  I asked the kids to tell her who took them to that movie.  They told her it was grandma, and she finally realized I was not lying.  She then started telling me that she did not want to spend time away from the kids but was forced to because I would not give her space.  She said I asked you to move out and you would not.  I told her that I was not the one that wanted to be away.  I wanted to be with her and the kids and I wanted to work on our relationship.  She said that is why I have to leave to get my space.  She told me she looks at this as me being controlling I asked her if she just wanted me and the kids to set and home and wait for her.  She said no.  I also said you could of taken the kids with you when you went to the older ladies house.  We went back and forth about how that she is the one that needs space that is why I am not leaving.  I told her I want to work on the relationship and not run away and stay in a hotel.  She got defensive and said now you are telling me I am running away.  I told her that she was the one who felt like she needed space and she was the one who got the apartment.  I was staying and fighting for our relationship.  Somewhere in the discussion I said something like “So You don’t want me to go to the movies with you” Later as things calmed down she pointed out that I was controlling when I said that.  I was trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting me there.  I agree that saying that could be seen as controlling.  I don’t know how exactly to feel about it because it is simply a fact.  She does not want me there, but she feels guilty saying that.  She said that it was good for us to have the discussion.  I told her I agreed. She mentioned that she should of just told me “No I don’t want you to go to the movies” She calmed and I am not sure what she took away from the argument. 

 

Through counseling I have realized I have this overwhelming fear of loosing her.  I had issues with abandonment from my mother.  She did not come around a lot when I was younger and I had this fear that she did not love me and if I said or did anything wrong she might not come back.  Now I cower and don’t speak up when what I say might push my wife away.  On the other hand my father / step mothers’ relationship was one of extreme control on my father’s part.  I know that many of the statements I made in the past were controlling.  For example if she wanted to go see her dad in the hospital before he died  I might of said sure you can go see your family, but then on the other hand at a later time I would say things like it costs $100 every time you go in gas and food.  I would tell her that the kids need a normal routine and fun in their lives and you keep going up there and spending every weekend in a hospital.  I would try and guilt her into not going. 

 

So I am struggling to know which side of the fence I am on now.  I don’t want to burry my feelings just because she might run away and on the other hand I know I can be controlling.  I think the abandonment fear is why I can’t focus on anything else.  I can’t focus on work.  I can’t just have fun.  My mind always wanders to the relationship and weather we are going to end up in divorce.  I end up in the funky haze where I just stare at the wall and think about it.  I have even had suicidal thoughts and if it weren’t for the damage I would do to my kids I think it would be a lot worse.

 

I was sleeping in the basement and I had been rubbing her back (she told me she wanted me to) when she went to bed and then I would go downstairs and sleep down there.  Then one night she asked me to sleep in the bed with her.  Since then she has told me to sleep in the bed with her for the last 4 nights.  I told her that if she wanted me to sleep downstairs that I was fine with that.  She said if you don’t want to sleep in here you don’t have to.  I told her I wanted to sleep with her.  She even asked for sex last night.  I took this as a positive, but I wander if she is doing it to try and make me happy. I can tell she still cares about my emotional state (sometimes too much).  The other day I told her that I wanted her to be happy but I was sad about her moving out and she felt bad and started to cry.  She said she did not want to hurt me.  She has bent over backwards in our relationship to make me happy.  I know she has done this, and she feels like she has sacrificed her own self in the process and that is why she wants out.  She feels like she can’t escape the need to sacrifice herself for my needs.  She is afraid if she stays with me she will end up in the same situation again and that is why she feels like she needs to move out.  So wants to move out so she can see for herself is she can meet her needs first before worrying about mine.  She is so passive that I can’t even make a statement or ask a question in any manner without her trying to figure out what I want.            

 

     To all of you that have been through this does it just take time.  With me in limbo and constant mixed messages I don’t suppose the healing is going to occur anytime soon.  One minute she seems happy about getting an apartment, but then she seems relieved to find out she can cancel the lease at anytime before she moved in.  It was also a 1 year lease, but she was relieved when the manager said that she could move out after 6 months and only pay for 2 more months.  Then on the other hand she talks about getting a better job and buying a house.  My counselor said I need to keep an even keel and not hold on to the positives or negatives because the next one might be the exact opposite.  That makes sense, but I am just so hopeful she will change her mind.  She will see something in me that give her a reason to keep working on us.    

I think I have already said that I'm reluctant to give you a definitive answer as to just how to go about getting your marriage improved. It may be that others posting here can give you something like that.
It seems that while there are broad principles that have universal application, each specific marriage has it's own particular nuances of interaction, and what may work for one, may not for another.
e.g. Backing off may work in one marriage, but in another pursuing may be the thing to do.

That is why seeking guidance from God is important. But even that can throw up another problem: if the person now praying desperately for his marriage has not previously developed a close relationship with God, he may struggle to gain any sense of connection with Him, and may feel that his prayers are not even being heard. And listening to God's voice seems even more difficult.

I can see from your last post just how confusing it can be, when she sends you varying signals. It underlines how hard is is for husbands to really understand how their wife functions. ( James Dobson has said that after 46yrs of marriage he still does not understand his wife!) That argument is an example. You never know just what  miniscule thing you said will be latched onto and magnified. You end up wondering whether you should have bothered to say anything at all!
That's why some husbands have come to realise it is better not to win an argument with their wife, because even if they technically win the argument, it won't be long before they realise they actually lost, because they paid for it later.

I wonder if the forthcoming visit by her family members may give an opportunity for some positive input into your marriage situation?

One path of action you could consider is for you and your wife to think about the things you like about each other. Sometime when she is allowing you to cuddle her, you could mention that. Some counselors have recomended couples focusing on the positive features of their relationship instead of continually mulling over the things they don't like about each other. The reason being that what we think about affects how we behave.
If you and her could even jot down what you like about each other. Then for, say a week, repeat that list everyday day, each praying for the other as you do.

This does not mean that the negatives will disappear as if by magic, but it helps to diminish the overwhelming sense of doom that thinking of all that's wrong engenders. If you both think about what you like and love about each other, that will translate into feeling better towards each other. At the same time there will be at least two beneficial spin-offs: the things that are wrong could well seem less overpowering; and because you now both feel better about the marriage, that good feeling will give you both the strength to tackle those areas that need improvement.
Sounds simple. But will it work? Who knows! Anything is worth a try. It's up to you to make whatever decisions you have to.

 

Alpha,

I don’t know that there is an answer.  The whole situation just boggles my logical mind and leaves me staring into space trying to figure it out.  I am also hopeful for the thanksgiving dinner and what might come of it.  I can see my wife storming out and heading to the older ladies house if things go the wrong way. 

 

 

And more ramblings by a confused man…

 

 I hope this makes sense… My wife got really mad last night.  One of her friends call her “A” told friend “B” that she was acting strangely and seemed to be spending a lot of time with the older lady and her son and did not seem to care about our kids anymore.  My wife never really talks to friends “A” or “B” anymore, but friend “B” told my wife this information.  My wife was very upset with “A” and went on and on telling me about it and my wife said I am surprised that “A” did not say something to me.  I admitted to my wife I had asked “A” if she had any idea what was going on with my wife and that “A” had told me the same story that my wife had heard from “B” My wife lost it.  She said it was over.  She went off about how she thought I was changing, but obviously I had not.  She was mad because she did not think I believed what she was telling me and so I asked someone else.  She felt like it was an attack on her that I asked someone else a question about her.  She said why didn’t you ask me.  I told her I had, but all she gave me was I don’t knows.  She thought it was another way of saying I don’t care what you are saying I want to here what I want to here.  That’s not how I meant it at all, but of course me saying that did not do anything.  It was late at night and she packed some clothes and left by herself.  That was Friday night.  She mentioned coming to see or get the kids today (Saturday), but I’ll I got was a text message around 5pm that asked what are you and the kids doing.  I replied that we were at the park what are you doing, and never got a response.

 

She does not know this, but I have been talking to her sister.  Her sister has been the one initiating it.  Her sister really wants to help us work things out.  She has provided me with how my wife truly feels, things my wife has never told me.  A lot of this helps me to understand my wifes anger and frustration.  Her sister has told me things my wife has said to her that my wife has never said to me.  One of them was her saying I refused to sign something for her to get an apartment.  I was in shock when her sister told me that, because I never refused.  I remember my wife saying something about needing to get something signed, but her older lady friend already said she would sign it.  I didn’t even ask what it was about or think much of it.  So the next time my wife said something about the older lady singing something jumped in and I offered to sign it.  I know I should be reading between the lines and figuring this out on my own, but I am a relationship idiot.  That is what got me in this situation.  I know that is probably not the best way to get my information, but I need someone telling me what my wife is really thinking, because she is truly not saying things to me.  I think she is being so passive / codependent that she is afraid to come out and tell me and ask me things because she does not want to make me sad or angry.    

 

I know I have controlling tendencies so I have to double check my motivations and why I do certain things.  I really feel like I was asking her friend (and her sister) so I could better save our marriage out of love.  Is what I did wrong?  Should I stop talking to her sister?  Her family is truly concerned for her because for the most part she won’t talk to them either.  They call me sometimes to ask if she is ok because she won’t return their calls. 

 

 

Everything you say makes perfect sense. Your wife's reactions are predictable. Predictably unpredictable, that is!

When you say you are a relationship idiot, I think many men can identify with those sentiments. Men generally don't understand women, so don't beat yourself up over that. It truly is mind boggling for men, the way women connect the most unlikely of dots.

It pays to be extra careful who you talk to about your marriage. It is especially dangerous for a man to discuss it with another woman, even more so if that women has any connection with the wife.
You asked woman "A", who then told woman "B", who then mentioned it to your wife. Even if it was "A's" opinion that "your wife was acting strangely", nevertheless it will get credited to you.

It is advisable to confide in men only, and then only in men who are trustworthy, and who won't talk to others, (such as their wives) the things that you tell him. Stick to your pastor, counselor, and any men you can trust. Ask them not to divulge to anyone.
The moment a wife gets wind of the husband talking about her it will send her ballistic. Even in a good marriage.
It would be  prudent move to get your wife's sister to agree to never tell your wife that she has been talking to you.

Once again, it's a case of you being dammed whatever you do.

When your wife says she thought you were changing, - but obviously you are not - that response from her is just twisting the knife she already has plunged into your back. It's rather like erecting a straw effigy in order to have something to knock down. When it suits her, she says you haven't changed, but now it suits her to say that you really were changing, but that it was a deception on your part. She has to keep justifying her exit, so she will clutch at any straw to support her position.
According to your sister it was your changes that were causing her to have 2nd thoughts about quitting, thereby "confusing" her. So if she can get rid of your "changes", she can clear the way to quit.

It seems that anything that brings home the responsibility to her has to be rejected. She cannot bear the thought that people will see her as the villain. She can't stand to be made to feel guilty for what she is doing. That is what makes her so angry. That is why she is putting distance between her and her family. She suspects they will not approve, and will judge her, so if she can sideline them, all the better.

The facts are that she has deliberately kept you in the dark about her plans regarding the marriage. She has only recently drip fed you with her real intentions, that earlier she was set on divorce.. She never told you that she was done 6wks ago.It was only the other day she told you that. There's a clear history of keeping you ill informed, and misled. But trying to tell your wife that is a no-brainer. Whatever you say will be taken down as evidence and used against you.

Your sister has given you more evidence that your wife has been deceiving you, and that justifies you seeking answers elsewhere. But you can't even let your wife know what you've discovered from your sister because she will hit the roof.
She tries to twist it to mean that you don't believe her. It's not a matter of whether you believe her, it's that she has withheld from you the exact nature of her plans. She has not told you the full truth of what she intended. It was partial truth she told you. It was not a lie, but it could be argued that half the truth, if it masquerades as being  the whole truth, has the same effect as a lie would, in that it misleads you.(But don't try telling her that, it will only get you deeper into hot water.)

But it would be  prudent move to get your wife's sister to agree to never tell your wife that she has been talking to you.

And to make it as difficult as possible for you, she adopts a raging out-of-control, over-the-top response of anger. That anger will act like an impenetrable wall. She does not want any explanation from you, because explanations will weaken her case. She wants to get away from confusion so she can single-mindedly pursue separation. It suits her to be able to say you have blown it completely, because she can then justify closing the door on you.

Just how you can get your wife to be willing to try working towards a better marriage, is hard to say. You really need to be in prayer about just when the opportune time would be. It could be within a day or two, or it could be after a week or two. Depends on how long it takes for her rage to subside.

 Dr Debbie Cherry is the counselor I referred to who believes in focusing on the positive things  a couple has going for them. This is from her book "Discovering The Treasures Of Marriage".
""Dr. Cherry says that many couples find marital therapy a very negative
experience. In fact, therapy can make troubled marriages worse. Why? It too
often focuses on problems, hurts and other negatives.

Unless I first help them (the troubled husband and wife) learn how to like each other again,
they will not feel connected enough to each other and the marriage to work
on the negative aspects.
If a couple can find what they cherished in their
partner and genuinely like each other again, then they can reconnect and
"being to look at being able to resolve and forgive past hurts.""

Read more at
www.thewritertoday.com/2009/09/guest-post-treasure-in-your-marriage.html
http://www2.focusonthefamily.com/focusmagazine/marriage/A000001291.cfm

 

Sunday she came to get the kids today to take them to the park. At first she was very mean about everything.  The kids look tired how late did you keep them up. (My daughter started crying about something shortly after my wife got home) Did you go to early church (yes) it’s no wonder they are tired. The funny thing is I got them to bed on time and they woke up before me. They got more sleep than they usually do. That is why we went to early church. Then my son told her that I had bought them each a small toy while shopping, and she said well that’s your dad he can afford to do stuff like that for you. He is not on a budget. I just listened and then she said you’re mad at me because I was not talking to her. I said no I was just trying to give you space. After a while she calmed a bit and said she was really angry the other night and before that she was unsure, but now she wanted a divorce.

It must be incredibly stressful for you to be faced with your wife being so intransigent. Her behaviour is copybook stuff when a wife is angry. A wife lives by the state of her emotions. Clearly she is angry. While that anger is white hot, there's not a lot you can do to get through to her.
I get the impression that she does not know how to deal with her anger. It has taken control of her, and it is calling the shots.

Note how she is using her anger as the justification for divorce. I can understand why you were quiet when your wife came around Sunday. You were afraid to open your mouth, fearing that whatever you said would get used against you - early church, bedtime, toys, etc. She was 2nd guessing again, expecting you to be mad at her.
 And you were right. She latched onto every possible tidbit to use against you. She concluded that being angry with you made her move from being unsure to now being sure she wants a divorce. Until she can deal with that anger she won't be able to move towards you.

It may be about you, at least in her mind, but it's the anger that is in control of her. That is why scripture commands to not let anger fester, because if it is allowed to simmer it gives the devil a foothold. It is in interacting with you that her anger gets activated.
God has made us emotional creatures and usually feelings are present in us as a response to guide us. But since we are sinners, those emotions can become perverse. Scripture urges that anger be dealt with quickly before it gets distorted and distorts us. That translates into her being unable to say one complimentary thing to you on Sunday.

Basically, I see little difference between your wife's anger and that of  road rage. In both cases the anger has taken control leading to irrational responses. (Of course you can't tell your wife she is out of control, or irrational - that would only cause her to fly into an even more uncontrollable rage against you. (I know women hate  men telling them that their emotions are irrational. That's because women live by their emotions, that is their world, their reality.)
But it is when the emotions prevent them form looking objectively at the problems that the anger itself becomes the barrier.

It seems, judging by the books written about anger, that women face this issue more seriously than do men. A couple of christian books that I'm familiar with are , "Be Angry But Don't Blow It", by Lisa Bevere; and "A Woman's Answer To Anger". by Annie Chapman.
But just how you get your wife to even consider her anger problem is another matter. After all, you are the problem, not her or her anger, and her anger is justified so she tells herself. Any approach from you will be seen as more of the same old same old from you, a sneaky way of making her seem to be the problem, when she knows that it is you.

That is why Joe Beam says that before a marriage can be helped the partners have to be calmed. Calming does not solve the problems, but is allows the couple to be calm enough to look at the issues properly.
Have a look at www.joebeam.com/Intervention.htm#whydoesnt

Your son expressed joy about the toy you had bought for him, and instead of sharing in his joy as a mother should do, she is stuck in her anger at you and venting that on the child. This is confusing for him.  Is she doing this continuously???   She is out of line!  And she shouldn't be speaking negatively about their father to them. 

What I'm saying is, her angry nature is producing an emotional conflict for the kids.  It is similar to having an alcoholic parent who when sober treats the child nicely but when drunk the parent is ill-tempered.  The child is confused, wonders if it is his own fault, and this pattern goes into adulthood where the person still can't figure out what is normal (Adult Child of an Alcoholic.)

If she can't relate positively with the kids, then it were better she gets some counseling about her attitudes and anger before spending time with them.   Alpha, how could Confused put his foot down about this and protect the kids emotionally? 

Renae, I don't know. I'm not an expert in this field.
But confused's main aim has been to get his marriage back on track. It's been often said that the best thing a couple can do for their children is to love their spouse. The problem he faces is that she is not taking any notice of anything he says. Whatever he suggests gets rejected.
Even if he were to tackle her about what she said to the children it would not go anywhere near dealing with the issue, but would likely only aggravate her and cause her to be even more derogatory towards him in front of the kids.
If he as much as raised it in conversation she would interpret it as condemnation, such is her current mindset. She would see it as an underhand way of him trying a different tack to get the marriage healed. At the moment, she does not want it healed. That much is clear.

The real issue for her is the anger she feels. It is that which is driving her. Once her anger is dealt with, the attitude that causes her to badmouth him will decline.

Incidentally, on yesterday's FotF Dr Julie Slattery was discussing with guests Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham how "unresolved anger eats away at a person’s soul. And in marriage, it can tear a couple apart."
She added that there are a lot of hurting marriages due to anger. And it is a much bigger matter for wives.It is the BIGGIE.

Julie Slattery said anger affects a wife in marriage differently than it does a man.She said not being loved in marriage makes wives angry. ( The husband does not realize that she is not feeling loved, because he is quite happy, but she easily feels that neglect if he takes her for granted.)
Once she becomes angry at her husband she is unable to love him, because it drives out love and actually occupies that part of her heart and soul where love for her husband once resided.
As long as his wife has this anger she is blinded by it.
That unresolved anger eventually poisons the soul and emerges as hatred. In the grip of that hatred anything is possible, and anything is justified, and the children will get used to help her achieve her objective of dissolving the marriage.
The children will then become pawns in the standoff, if not by both, by one spouse at least. Confused has already said that amicable divorce is out of the question, and I agree with him on that score. Divorce is a violent action directed at the most intimate of human relationships, and it carries it own inbuilt destructive outcomes that fan out through the entire family.

Whatever confused does it likely to be wrong. The only action that I can think of is intervention by other people, who will bring her to her senses. She may reject that, and the indicators point to her doing that. Which is why she has been moving away from church and relatives - all the people who might hold her to account. That is a carefully laid intentional action by her.  She does not want to be held to account.

I've been following this thread off and on, over the past weeks.  It's so reminiscent of my experience with my ex-wife. 

Factor in legal complications and such to what you've shared here, and it really is a big mess.

I hope you're keeping documentation of interactions you've had with her (email, texts, etc.).  Send copies to yourself, and put them away.  Don't bring them up to her at all.  Just listen to what you hear God saying through the Word, and focus hard on responding to your wife as He does on the foundational level.  But realizing that your wife has "free" will, she may never pull around to the reconciliation that you so despereately crave.  Be ready to respond (not "react"!!) in a godly-but-firm manner to everything she does--even in court.

I am so sorry, brother--...........

Making sure that you are not badmouthing her to the kids is really helping.  The kids are not stupid:  They will have no choice but to notice whether or not you are doing that.  Could you ask that the two of you talk outside the room where the kids are, even when she's "just asking a question"?  I ask that becuase it would seem that even "casual conversation" is a gateway to another barb, dart, spear, or bomb in front of the children.  You could protect them somewhat that way.  If she refuses, or pretends not to understand what you are asking for, you could gently insist on not answering that in front of the kids.

It is becoming very difficult for me.  I am maintaining my composure and my patience on the outside, but on the inside I am falling apart.  I am filled with fear inside and can’t make it go away.  She has becoming very distant.  Any question or comment or action is scrutinized. 

When she left two weekends ago (Friday night to Sunday noon) she came back and criticized me for what I told the kids.  They had asked where she was and I told them I though she was at the older ladies house.  Apparently my son had asked her why she was gone all weekend, and where she was.  This upset her because she wanted me to tell them we got into a fight and that is why she left.  She did not want to look like she was the bad guy.  I am trying to paint her as positively as I can for the kids, but they don’t understand why she is gone all the time. 

Another time she told me how unfair it was that I got to spend all the time with the kids.  I told her she was welcome to take them with her when she went, but she chooses not to.  That just made her mad.  She said I was making her look like the bad guy.  She left again this past Saturday to go to the older ladies house for the afternoon.  We were not fighting or anything she said she was just going to watch movies.  Our son asked if he could go and she said no she wanted to spend time with her alone.  When I put the kids to bed she was still not back.  The kids asked and I told them I thought she would be home later.  She never came home or called.  Sunday around 2:00PM she came home.  The kids and I were playing and they never even acknowledged her.  Our 5 year old actually called her by her first name (that’s not normal for her) She was angry with me wanting to know what I told the kids.  I told her that I had not said anything negative about her.  I told her they asked me why she did not come home Saturday night, and I told them you must have spent the night with the older lady.  She even said something like well next weekend I’ll take the kids so you can see what it feels like.  I did not say anything, but was extremely confused.  Then yesterday she tells me she wants to go out of town shopping this Saturday.  I did not ask if she was going to take the kids, but I highly doubt she will.

We are having her family down for Thanksgiving and I was planning on cleaning the house on Saturday and Sunday.  I want the dinner to be everything she wants, but when I asked her questions about this or that she just says I don’t know.  I tried the question a few days later as describe what the day would be like if everything went perfect.  She told me she does not care about Thanksgiving at all the only person she cared about is dead (her dad). 

My son is having a very difficult time with everything.  She is being negative to him and he thinks she hates him.  I tell him that she really does love him, but she is angry at me and for her dad passing right now.  I tell him I love him and let him talk about anything he wants.  He has a lot of questions about her behavior and I just tell him he needs to ask her about these things because I don’t have the answer.  He told me she just gets mad when he asks her.  My counselor suggested some exercises (painting drawing making faces and screaming) to help them get their feelings out.  I have been doing that with both of them and it seems to help them work through their sad feelings. 

She is seeing a counselor, but I don’t think it is helping her.  She told me the counselor does not think she is having any problems with the grieving process, and that she is not depressed.  Her counseling appointments are now once every two weeks. 

I don’t think there is anything I can do or say to her about the kids.  Putting my foot down or even expressing my feelings almost always results in a disagreement.  She passes every thing I say or do through a “is it controlling” filter.  Almost any statement can be turned into a controlling statement if you look for it.  When in actuality it’s the persons motives that need the questioned not the statement itself.   Alpha is correct that anything I say or do won’t help the issue.  He is also right about her anger.  It is dominating every relationship she has.  She had abandoned her old friends and family.  He mom is dying of cancer and she has not called or seen her in 4 weeks.  Normally she would talk to her at least once / week.  She even skipped a family event because she was too “busy” to attend.

I am working on me right now.  I am trying to get fear out of my heart.  I don’t know how to do it.  I joined a celebrate recovery group and it has been helping.  However some days all I think about it the relationship.  I am so afraid I am going to loose her.  The logical side in me says “accept the things I can not change”, but the emotional side of me can’t make it happen.  I have read countless stories on here and other sites were people are struggling with the same acceptance.  I know it takes time, but it sure hurts now.  I never thought I would be in a one sided relationship, but here I am and I want so badly for it to all work out. 

Thank you all for your support and advice.